Name: Joey Diaz - "Laurie Jack" (from Joe Rogan Experience #884)
Uploaded: 2016-12-11T22:12:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz - "Laurie Jack" (from Joe Rogan Experience #884)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz - "Laurie Jack" (from Joe Rogan Experience #884)' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-11. Transcript available.

Hello freak bitches
But that's what VD is, you know VD is a sexual transmitted disease when you
think about someone having VD
When I was about 17 my friend fucked his sister's best friend and he got
something
He got VD. He got VD and we went there the next day and there was a chick with
like fucking like a
Phantom of the Opera mark on her face
Dog, it was fucking crazy. What was the mark on her face?
Like she she had like syphilis or something that started like she had a cut in
her lip and she sucked the fucked up dick
And it ran I'll never forget this. It's not even funny
It was really sad because I didn't know what she had
I just went there with my friend my friend goes you got to go in there with me
dog
I'm scared to walk in there. I said let's go. What's the big deal? They're
gonna give you pills whatever
I didn't know I wasn't sexually active at that age like he was
And we went in there while I was waiting for him dog
This chick came in did paperwork and she turned around and she had gotten
something that started here
Like you know, she had like a cut or what's that when you have chapped lips or
something and all this was like half purple and red
She sucks something bad
And after that I was like whoo, I gotta be careful out there. It's a jungle
That was the thing we were kids like someone has VD. Ah, she's got VD. Be
careful. He's got VD
You know someone having VD was like whoa. You hear do you hear Betty got VD. Oh
that fucking girl got VD
There's a girl on Facebook that's friends with me from high school that a pussy
wouldn't get wet
So they used to call her the dry hump Fairview, New Jersey. They used to call
her Fairview, New Jersey
Where is he the truck?
*laughter*
That was, that was so awful
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
That's so fucked up
*laughter*
People are so fucked up
*laughter*
People are so fucked up
This girl was banging
This girl was fucking banging though
So you'd have to like bring Vaseline or something?
Yeah, she was from Wayne, New Jersey and she was banging
She moved to North Bergen like if she was a sophomore
And she was dating a few guys and shit and things happened like I was friends
with her
I know she didn't like me like she just didn't like me for some reason
I didn't think the world of her either
*laughter*
And one night in 84 I'm at a bar and this bitch comes in
I mean banging
Banging
Banging
Banging
They also said she had some type of VD so they called her Laurie Jack
You know like she's got the Jack
*laughter*
No, what is that?
AC/DC sang her song
Oh
She's got the Jack
Jack
Jack, so they used to call her name and Jack
Like that was her name
Like they just tormented this girl
*laughter*
And she dated like a Rocky, like a rock guy and had like long hair and shit
A rocker
And one night I saw her
Rocky
*laughter*
And she was banging Joe Rogan, right?
Yeah
Banging
And I go you live in North Bergen now?
She's like yeah I didn't go to college
I'm a nanny
I'm a nanny and she told me the guy's name
And I knew that guy
That guy had a massage parlor years earlier
The guy that she was being a nanny for
And I go if she's his nanny
He's just fucking her something's gotta be wrong
She looks so good in that miniskirt
She disappeared like 1:30
And finally at like 3 I'm sitting and I'm like
What am I gonna do tonight?
And I had like a bag of coke
I go fuck it
I'm gonna go get her
*laughter*
So I went
This is how crazy I was
I went to the dude's house
And she told me
I knocked on the door
It was 3:15 in the morning
And he's like
Coco what are you doing
I go I gotta talk to Laurie
There's something missing
He goes hold on
Laurie
And she came down
And she comes outside
He's got a robe on
She's got a robe on
And I look her straight in the face
I go listen
I got like two eight balls in my pocket
Get dressed
Let's get the fuck out of here
And she's like I can't
I go you have to
And we argued there for like 10 minutes
I'm like I wanna suck your pussy
I wanna do dirty things to you
I don't give a fuck about the VD
Or the jack
Or the dry hump
I'm on fire
And she's like
Well give me 10 minutes
How am I gonna sneak out of here
I don't know
So I waited outside for her
She's like I'll put Lou in bed
And I'll run out
About 15 minutes later
I see her running out with her purse
With like a bank deposit bag
She's like fuck him
I can't take him anymore
Fuck him
We were on foot
It's 4:00 in the morning
I'm on Tunley Avenue, North Bergen
There's a bunch of those dirty hotels
So I'm like oh I gotta score here
I got coke
She's got money
I'm gonna fuck her
I'm excited
We go back to a hotel
We finally registered
It's like $30
They asked us if we wanted the jacuzzi in the room
And shit
It was one of those dirty hotels on Tunley
As you go into New York City
We went in there
We walk in
And she goes rule number one
You are not gonna fuck me
It's 5:00 in the morning
There goes my fucking
There goes this night
And all of a sudden she looks at me
She goes well
If you could guess the color of my panties
I'll fuck you
And I'm like okay
Red
And she goes
They're green but good enough
We started snorting coke
Eating ass
I mean it was filthy
I woke up at 5:00 in the afternoon
And Doug Flutie was throwing that quarterback
That touchdown
In 1984 or '83
Doug Flutie
I was waking up
She was naked
Ripped apart
I'm waking up
And Doug Flutie's throwing the touchdown
I got dressed
And got the fuck out
And never saw her again
Never said to
And I even robbed the money
I took everything
She pops up on Facebook
About two years ago
And I'm like
Laurie how are you?
She's like fuck you
You fat faggot
And all this shit
She's like you left me there that night
But we had a good time
Fuck yeah we had a good time
And I hit her back
I go what color are your panties?
And she goes what's that supposed to mean?
Fucking tremendous
Oh hilarious
I knew she gave me something
She had something
But I didn't give a fuck
It was '84
Rock Hudson was dying
I didn't use a condom
I knew the consequences
I'm like fuck it
So I knew I was gonna get something
And I probably did
I got crabs after that
Over the holidays
I was '84
I got crabs
Yeah '84 '85 season
I got crabs
I found out at a bathroom in Port Authority
I went to Port Authority to take a shit
And I pulled my pants down
And I'm sitting there reading the paper
And I see a crab
Like I saw something jump
And I'm like what the fuck
And I had never heard it
I had never heard it
Nothing
I went home
And took my underwear off
And got like a magnifying glass
It was over
It was all over me
They were all over the couch
I had to bring a bomb into the room
Like one of those fucking bug bombs
And leave for 12 hours
Did you really?
Oh I grabbed up the whole fucking thing
It was crabbed up for like a month though
Oh my god
Lady next door knocked on my thing
I was living in Tentafly, New Jersey
Lady next door knocks
"Do you have a bug problem?"
I'm like no
I don't know what happened
Ever since you moved in here
There's been crabs and shit
Oh no
Oh
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.