Name: Joey Diaz on Conor McGregor vs. Tyron Woodley & The UFC
Uploaded: 2017-01-03T03:40:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz on Conor McGregor vs. Tyron Woodley & The UFC' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz on Conor McGregor vs. Tyron Woodley & The UFC' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-03. Transcript available.

Joey Diaz on Conor McGregor vs. Tyron Woodley & The UFC

Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day
January February March April May June six months then the heavyweight division
needs them
John Jones first heavyweight fight Brock Lesnar
You're welcome
Yeah, imagine that fight the only problem is do you think so yes
Even Merckham in the grappling. I think you're just completely done. I think
fucking steel pink with fucking right here
you
Pissed that
And he'll fuck
Cuz they'll say it you better do the fucking steroids the open is crazy
Me I love that motherfucker. Oh chick. I love him. I got the immigrant
mentality bring him on
Give him more fucking steroids what's that you are in America? Yeah, whatever
the fuck
Got that fucking crazy blood in them and he don't give a fuck really proved to
listen
He proved it with fucking ovary
You don't give a fuck put him in there with
I dare you the Brock that fought Mark Hunt
I don't whip his fucking head off
Yeah, that juice to the guilt fucking Brock Linder who just
Ragdoll poor Mark Hunt
Yeah, but Mark Hunt's never been the kind of grappler that Stipe is
Stipe's way better at defending takedowns
Oh, no, I think Stipe beats him
If he punches Stipe in the face
It's gonna get more steam out of his fucking ears
And you saw what Stipe did
He won't land a hit on Stipe
Well, he's not gonna come back and fight for a world title right away
No, but he ain't gonna come back
Nooo
That was the biggest embarrassment of the fucking year
That was the biggest fucking embarrassment of the year
Why would that be?
Embarrassment, bro
What was embarrassing?
Just embarrassing against Mark Hunt
They knew he was on the juice
He went in there loaded to the gills
It was just an embarrassing fucking thing
It was an embarrassing thing for everybody
And Mark Hunt had every fucking right to be mad
They put him in there with a guy
That's coming off rocket fucking fuel
That dude just don't eat D-ball
Look at the size of his fucking head
He's taking shit that makes your fucking head grow
Okay?
That's what they give the fucking pitbulls
I hope they put him against Mayochik
I will fly to fucking Cleveland
That gum is climbing out of your mouth
He's so fast
I found this knot in my nose
It was bigger than this gum the other day
I had to take the gum out to eat it
Anyway
You ate a booger?
Oh, it was so long
It was like a coke booger
I got a flashback from the 80's
Oh, stop
I inhaled that motherfucker
Anyway
Why did you eat a booger?
Cause I love him
Ew!
I love him from time to time
I have a little pimple
What the fuck is wrong with you?
And I squeeze it
And it just comes out like a stream
Oh, no, no, no
And it's got like a little clam
Dude, I was on board with you
With all the stevenay talking shit
No, no, no
Do you really eat boogers?
Listen
From time to time
Oh, Jesus Christ
When you do coke for 30 years
It's a habit
You wake up in the morning
Pick one out
It's like a fucking candy cane with coke on it
You inhale that motherfucker
It's like going to the dentist for free
Oh
I will throw up on this fucking table
I swear
Do you ever do this?
I feel lightheaded
While you're eating boogers
Let's be honest with ourselves
We're all friends here
That was the most embarrassing fucking thing I've ever seen
I agree
They knew he was on it
And they put that fucking animal in there, okay?
And you know what, man?
Go ahead
Keep doing those steroids
Put him in there against Spiel
Whatever
I love that Cleveland motherfucker dude
Stipe
He'll kill him
He'll fucking kill him
I don't think they would ever be able to
Have him come off a suspension
And fight for the title
That's not how it goes
They've done it before
Bro, four billion dollars
They'll eat a scab off an Iranian's head right now
Four billion dollars
Right now they're fucking sitting there going
We lost Ronda
Take the gum out of your mouth
You're driving me crazy
We lost Ronda
Give me a tissue
Give me a tissue
We lost Ronda
And the only other thing we got is fucking Conor
He's having a baby
He don't want to fucking come back
No, you know what you got him
He's talking about he might come back
Right after the first of the year
Yeah, but they don't want to give him who he's supposed to fight
Who's he supposed to fight?
He's supposed to fight that fucking Khal Habib
End of story
No more fucking around
No more fucking around
They would give him that
No more fucking around
Well then let's do it
Let's set it up
No, that's not a money fight
Yeah, I'm with Joey
Let's fucking do it
Let's fuck that shit
You don't need to fight Aldo
You don't need to fight nobody
He's number one, right?
Or is your boy number one?
Tony?
Khabib's number one
Hey, then that's the fight
Enough!
Enough!
Enough!
That's the fight!
Tony was number one
And then Khabib became number one
Why did Khabib leapfrog Tony?
I don't know
Who knows the rankings?
Those two should really fight
But he's only fought a couple times
I don't know if he's
What is he?
Is he number one brother?
Khabib's number one
Well that's the thing he did
Listen, he's fighting now
He's available today
He's available today
Right
He's available for Brooklyn
Okay
When he fought
Against Michael Johnson
He's available for fucking Brooklyn
Number one
Okay, he's available for Brooklyn
Interesting
Let's get Eddie against Raphael
That's a good fight
Let's get Edson back in there
People like watching him
Eddie and Raphael just fought
Let's get Eddie and Raphael just fought
Let's get
We got some fucking people here, okay?
Yeah, a lot of good guys here
We got a lot of fucking good guys here
We got a lot of everywhere
Where the fuck are they?
Why aren't they fighting?
This guy here, this kid here
He sells pay-per-views
Donald Cerrone
Not 300,000
But he's always right
But he's fighting at 170
Robbie Lawler, that guy there is good
Fucking
They got it
They got it
Joey needs to be the matchmaker
They fucking got it, okay?
Well, no, he
Yeah, man, it's an interesting situation, isn't it?
They got plenty of good fucking fighters
They got a whole shitload of them
They just don't want to give us the fights
We want to see
No, they don't
That's the fucking problem
What fight don't they want to give you?
I want to see Khal Habib
That's the fight
Habib
That's it
End the story
There's no Aldo
There's no Tony Ferguson
There's no babies
There's no nothing
But he has a baby
But he's got a baby
But it's also not a big draw for him
It's not a big draw for him, Joey
It's not a big draw for him, Joey
You got three babies
I throw 20 million on you
The babies wait six weeks
But Conor's already got 20 million
That's the difference
He wants to take time
He cannot
The birth of his life
That's right
His life is more important
Than what the UFC wants
Okay, I agree with you
He's running the show
He's running the show
I agree with you
But right now
Then May 5th, May, Memorial Day weekend
Let's call Habib and him
Habib
Give Ferguson
Say it
Habib
Habib
Give Ferguson Saron
Let's have some fun
Give Ferguson Saron
Let's have some fucking pun
That's a fight
No, no, no, no
Saron is not fighting 55 again
I didn't say that
But we're all mixing
We're all mixing weights right now
Did we not say that before?
No
They want to put Aldo against Khabib
But no, Aldo's thinking about moving up anyway
Moving up anyway
So who gives a fuck?
It seems like he's kind of chasing
Like a chess move
He's chasing Conor
He wants that Conor fight
He wants that fight
That's what everybody wants to see again
Whatever the fucking order is
But the order that they're trying to put together
Is the order that I don't want to see
Because they have to sell pay-per-views, Joey
But no, no
They're going to do this, okay
This is the route, you fucks
The route they want to do
Is they're going to bring him
Tell us Uncle Joey
They're going to bring him back
Against fucking the black dude at 170
That's the fight
Tyron Woodley?
That's already been made at the thing
Wait a minute
That's going to come together
Slow the fuck down
Watch it, watch it
But we just said that
Woodley's going to fight Bisping
In a catchweight fight
I know, I know, I know
That's all great
They're going to fight, watch
You think that Tyron Woodley is going to fight
Tyron Woodley
That was already established in New York
Tyron Woodley
Tyron
Tyron Woodley is already going to fucking fight him, okay?
That's the first fight
Then they're going to try to
That's the fight they're going to put there at 170
Maybe in May
What happened to Khabib?
Then they're going to
This is what
So you think he's going to go to 170
And fight for the title?
This isn't my decision
This is beyond you
This is beyond me
How do you know this?
Because I've already seen this set up at the fucking New York
Where you fucking blind
Because you didn't see what I see
But I talked to them
I know you talked to them
But they don't tell you dick
But I'm talking to the people behind the scenes
You didn't know they were getting sold
You didn't know until they fucking owned it
His best friend owns it
I love it
I love it
I understand
But the problem is here
That that was all
The seed was already planted
In New York
It was already planted
None of you motherfuckers saw it
What are you guys watching?
What seed?
The seed of him talking back and forth with Tyron
Tyron
Oh I did see that
Woodley
Okay?
That's the fucking seed
Jesus Christ
That's the fucking seed
Jesus Christ
It smells like a zoo
It smells like a zoo
He's gonna look away
He's gonna look at Khabib
He's gonna look at Khabib
Already at the press conference
Khabib again
Already Khabib
He said
He doesn't fight enough
What's going on here?
That's Khabib
Wayne's talking shit to him
That's the seed you dumb fucks
That's the seed
What's happening here?
What is he saying?
He's just talking shit to him
He's talking shit to him
Can we hear what he said?
I don't think so
It went on
And then afterwards
Tyron said some shit
He might have said hi
Did it come out?
That's what he said
He said something like
You're lucky I don't come to 70
Hold on
Watch
Look at him
Trying to be cute with him
There's a moment here
See?
Hey bro
Between Tyron Woodley and Conor McGregor
It got set up right there
Okay?
So that's the next fucking fight guys
It's Conor saying
We can do it at 70
We can do it at 70
Damn
Who the fuck
You people don't see dick
Because you see what you wanna fucking see
That's the next fight
He already planted the fucking seed
He's not gonna fight Tyron
He's gonna fight Tyron
And killed more time for collar beam
Like they threw Dennis Siever on him
When Frank Yeager was fucking lurking
When Frank Yeager was fucking lurking
They threw Dennis Siever on him
Poor Dennis Siever
Dennis Siever's available
Dennis Siever's available
You know
Look at the color of his skin
So now
Look how red he gets
Look how red he gets
Hey he's talking some truth here
It's in between fucking
He doesn't wanna fight Ferguson
He's not gonna fight Tony Ferguson
Why not
It's not just bro
It's it's too much height
And Tony Ferguson don't give a fuck
He's a barbarian
He's backstage again
Who fucking farted
That is a horrible fart
That was me
It's a tremendous fart
It's a tremendous fart
Smells like a zoo up in this bitch
Oh look at this
They are going up
Don't fucking tell me guys
Let's get some volume on that
Can we get volume on that?
What back there?
Let me hear this
Go all the way back
Way back
Here we go
Crank it up
He's setting it up
He's setting up the 170 belt
There's eight guys there guys
He said it's like a woman with that phone
Whoa
You know it's crazy?
He's calling him out
There's ten guys
Look how drained Tyron looks
Right?
Let's rewind it again
We want that
We want that
Not much
We need your assistance
You hear that lady terrified?
He just said what's up
And he stared at him down
Connor said what's up
He said not much
But meanwhile you look at Tyron
Tyron looks so drained there
When he made that weight
It's like right after he made the weight
I'll tell you what's crazy
I like Connor's chances in that fight
He's going to go for three fucking bouts
How crazy is that?
I can't believe nobody ev