Name: Tom Segura Shaves Bert Kreischer's Beard
Uploaded: 2017-01-04T09:27:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura Shaves Bert Kreischer's Beard' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura Shaves Bert Kreischer's Beard' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-04. Transcript available.

Hello, freak bitches
You ready to get a puerto rican beard?
Yeah, I mean we could do a five-hour podcast and just keep drinking. I don't
mind.
It's up to you, dude, but it's about 2:15. What time do we start this bitch? 11:30?
Yeah, did you really bring a barber's thing?
I got a little tweezer thing, or a little clipper right there.
You ready to do this shit, Tommy?
Hold on, Tommy.
Tommy's just decided this is happening.
There's a bunch of attachments to that jammy depending on how close and if you
want a sculptor or contour or anything along those lines.
But are you going to try to do the prints, do you think, Tommy?
Here's what I want to do. I want to bring all this out and then bring the
bottom out.
Okay, right, right. Put a nice line.
Okay, you're going to sculpt it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to be a pro job.
Okay, what about the stash?
That's what I'm saying. I want to bring this one.
No!
This down.
Oh, what is this?
Oh, there, that's great.
That's what I want to do, a version of that.
Oh my God, it might have to be this.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
But then, but if you do that, he's just going to shave that off.
Hold on, John.
Shave that, it looks good.
No.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Please, people.
That's what I'm going for.
Just know that that's what I'm going for.
Oh my God.
No.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
All these fucking pictures.
Pictures of dude's beards are so ridiculous.
It's a better burger.
There's nothing better than the Jaguar guy, though, or the leopard guy.
Yeah, that was unbelievable.
The leopard guy's off the charts.
All right.
I got to put this on my phone, too, because I don't want to show my daughters.
Hold on.
Hold on.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hold on.
I'll just put it.
Jamie, you going with a wide angle so I can move over there?
Okay.
I'm going to move over here.
With you guys.
With a beard.
With my on it total gut health and.
Oh, shit.
You ready?
I feel like I put it, I should put it in like a ram.
Want me to hold it?
No, I'll get it left.
I'll figure this out.
Yeah, but I want you to be a part of it.
I don't want you to.
I'm right here, though.
I know, but I don't want you to have to focus on me on you holding it.
Give me that fucking thing.
Shut up.
I'm right here.
I'm just going to rest it right here.
Am I getting hair all in me right now, Tom?
You're going to get a little bit of hair on you.
Hold on.
Let's tighten this up.
Oh, you got your password, son.
Oh.
It's 448777.
Jesus Christ, Bert.
Good luck finding my phone.
Well, now it became a challenge.
Just like the weight loss challenge.
That's what you want to do.
Just find your phone and challenge the internet.
A bunch of syphilis dicks to everyone on your contact list.
Don't fuck with my hair.
Like my actually hair.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Do you want to go portrait or landscape and which one is which?
Landscape.
Landscape.
Flip it this way.
Now I'm going to have to do the fucking editing on this.
Okay.
Hit stop record.
Now hit record.
Okay.
We're recording right now.
Okay.
Hold on.
I'm putting this here.
I'm going to take a sip.
Okay.
Bert Kreischer, please explain to the people what's about to happen and why.
My beard's getting shaved because I challenged Tommy Buns on a beard challenge
on who lost most weight.
And he lost a collective like six pounds more than me.
I failed.
Go ahead.
But you did succeed in losing a ton of weight.
I lost 35 pounds I think.
So I'm happy that at least I'm not as fat as I am.
Just start.
What if you look better?
Before we do this.
I will not look better.
What if you look better?
What if you decide like I like the new Bert?
Maybe the new Bert.
I doubt it.
Maybe the new Bert doesn't sabotage things.
Maybe the new Bert with this new beard.
I'm already uncomfortable with this.
Here we go.
So Tommy Buns insisted in shaving a beautiful pattern into Bert's face.
I've worked so hard on that area.
You worked hard?
What did you do?
I just grew it out and I sculpted it.
This is all sculpted area.
This is vulnerability.
How's it sculpted?
What I do is I went to a black barbershop and I taught them how to cut my beard.
You taught them?
I asked them.
I asked them.
It sounded really...
How presumptuous is the white man?
Why are you going so high?
Just as ridiculous.
What are you laughing at?
I'm not laughing.
Where's the microphone on these things?
I might have had my fucking finger over the microphone on your cell phone.
It's okay.
I hope I don't.
No, I don't.
I don't.
I'll steal the audio from the podcast and it seems like you're going really
high.
No, I know.
It looks good.
So you're sculpting it.
You're not entirely shaving it off, Tommy?
Well...
Talk into the microphone, please.
I made it so far.
Hold on, hold on.
Go ahead, Tommy.
Tommy, why have you decided to...
Why are you going so high?
That's really high.
That's not even jawline.
Tommy, why have you decided to sculpt it and not completely shave it off?
I just...
This is a guy where, like, I see so much potential and I just want it...
I want it to maximize, like...
Oh, where are you going?
Where are you going?
People, your phone is exploding with text messages while I'm holding this up.
I can barely look at it because the screen keeps filling up with text messages.
He's giving you a Hitler.
I'm not.
He's giving you a Hitler, son.
Oh my god, this is so stupid.
What's wrong with us?
We're all adults.
What the fuck is wrong with us?
It looks so cool.
Oh my god.
Burr, can I please see it?
Wait, hold on.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
So you're doing the prints.
Hold on.
Now.
Oh my god.
Oh my god, I can't breathe.
It's going to hurt my mouth.
It's going to hurt my mouth.
Oh my god.
This is so stupid.
Oh, it's really high.
It's really high.
Tom, is this the first time you shaved another man?
Yeah.
But I've thought about it a lot.
What are you doing?
Why are you cutting that area out?
I still feel the same right now.
There's all this hair in my mouth.
What are you doing to him?
I've got so much hair in my mouth.
Jimmy, what about cocktails?
What are we doing?
What are we doing?
You can't drink right now, son.
You're in labor.
You're giving birth to the new Bert.
Do I have a rash?
Oh, this is hilarious.
Tommy, you're an artist.
You know what you should do, Tommy?
What's that?
You should once a year
offer you to sculpt a fan's beard.
You're a goddamn artist, dude.
Does it look good, Joe?
It looks amazing.
It looks amazing.
Really?
This should be the new thing that people do.
Go back to like sculpting beards.
Yeah.
That could be a show.
You just brought me a bridge, Jimmy.
That could be a show.
That could be a show.
You say his fucking beard is amazing.
I'm crying out of one eye.
That's all the fluid I have in my body.
This could be a show you do on the Travel Channel, where you all get fucked up
and you get someone
and you shave their beard into a sculpture.
Oh, you're getting in the deep area right there.
Oh, shit.
Wait till you see this.
Don't go too high.
Don't go too high.
You're saying that you're going high.
What is that?
That's vulnerability.
That's vulnerability.
You look really good, actually.
Really?
Yeah.
For real?
Yeah.
You're going to like this.
This might be the greatest time I've ever had on a podcast.
Are we good?
We're pretty clean, yeah.
All right.
So for people just listening, what Tom has done is sculpt Bert's beard in what
could best
be described as a fencer from the 1600s in France.
A fencer?
Yeah.
You look like either that or someone who would lie about being Puerto Rican.
Because they're really from somewhere that no one's ever heard of and they're
tired of people
saying, where the fuck is that?
And they go, it's, yeah, I'm just Puerto Rican.
How does it look?
It looks very Spanish.
Like, but New York City fly.
You might stick with it.
Yeah, you might.
Oh, for real?
He's a goddamn artist.
Imagine if it turns out that Tommy Buns is the premier beard artist in North
America.
I mean, more people are watching this than watch The Way In.
Really?
How many people are watching this?
24,000.
That's so ridiculous.
I feel like you might really be happy with this.
You're getting really gross to me.
Sorry, sorry.
Bert, are you going to keep this or are you going to turn to me please?
Huh?
That's actually not bad.
And I'm not bullshitting.
Are you serious?
I'm not bullshitting at all.
I kind of want to be surprised.
Let me see.
I'm not bullshitting.
You look good, dude.
Oh my god, this feels so fucking weird.
You know what?
And here's the thing, man.
Look at yourself.
Oh my god!
I look like I work at Planet of the Apes.
I look like a fucking monkey.
No.
No, this does not look good.
This does not look good, Joe.
I think it does look good.
Look at all the hair on me.
You get an earring on each ear, a big hoop like a pirate.
Yeah, but I look like I...
I feel like you wrench.
He wrenched jet skis for sure.
I look how quickly you said yeah.
You didn't even think it through.
Like what a good idea.
Definitely, definitely two fucking giant hula hoop earrings.
Oh shit.
Take your phone, buddy.
Oh my god.
Looks pretty good.
Yeah?
Oh, holy shit.
Can you see yourself performing like that?
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, of course.
You have to for a while, right?
What?
No, I'm going to shave it off tonight.
No, no, no.
You should definitely go on stage for the audience.
The people that are going to appreciate.
Wait.
They want to see you knowing exactly what happened.
What can you pick?
The second one.
He's going to fix it.
It's not done.
You know, that's what's weird.
We never really determined when he's done.
So Tom can like step back, look at it, and decide to do some changes.
I see the rash.
Oh, the rash.
Oh my god, he found the rash.
Yeah, man.
Sometimes we have rashes, ladies and gentlemen.
It's not your fault.
I know you feel like you did something naughty that the Lord punished you with
a rash, but
that's just superstitious.
A little better now?
Rashes, in fact, bacterial infections on the surface of your skin.
This feels so weird.
It's definitely better now.
I recommend defense soap.
Let me see.
I say just a mustache.
Fuck all that squirrely little bottom hair.
If you want to make him keep it for a while.
Yeah.
I'll keep it for a while.
I'm a grown man.
I'll go home and shave.
No, no, no.
Mustache.
How about this?
What?
We get rid of all this crazy shit.
Now we know what it looks like.
Give you a goddamn policeman's mustache.
Hey, you look good, man.
You actually look good.
I feel like I look like a monkey for real.
Let me see you.
You look like a top-notch bowler from Wisconsin.
Chris Hardwick's dad.
Your dude is on like World Series of Bowling, and everybody fears you like the
Bill Murray character.
Can you imagine hanging out with me in the dark?
And you're like, what is that on the top?
Oh, this guy must be covered in a beard.
What was that movie?
Fucking Kingpin.
That was great.
Kingpin.
It was so funny.
Holy shit was that movie good.
And he starts flirting with the girl, and he goes, not you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Remember when he had to have sex with his landlord in order to pay for the rent?
Nothing like that to loosen up his shit.
He's throwing up into the toilet.
Remember that he has the planned robbery with the guy?
And then, oh, sorry.
Is my face in it?
Then he throws hot coffee in that guy's face because he has to act like that it
wasn't a scam.
You know, like the landlord comes in.
He's like, what?
You're here?
And he just takes hot coffee and splashes it.
And the guy, like, fucking screams for his life.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
This feels so weird.
I can only imagine.
It feels weird because I didn't know my face would be this close to my bones.
Well, dude, do you guys, if you just don't do it like this, like this craziness,
but just keep going healthy style?
You know, I mean, we've got to figure out a way to get you guys to not...
I mean, let's be honest.
There's no way to do it.
Like, if there is a target weight, you're going to dehydrate yourself, right?
Yeah, of course.
You're going to...
Very seldom does someone go, I'll get below that.
You pose that picture of me.
Is it hard to talk to me right now?
No, we're going to get totally used to it, but I do suggest you keep the
mustache.
I think it's a wonderful accoutrement to your face.
Okay.
It helps your party man image.
And again, you look like a curling champion from Saskatchewan.
You look like a duck hunting guide.
It looks like a totally different person.
It's so wild.
Should I do head shots while I go?
You look like a guy who teaches people how to fly fish.
The guy that knows the difference between a mallard duck.
Exactly.
Well, that's a diver duck.
It's got a totally different kind of meat.
You look like you definitely live in your hometown.
For sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you got a Pennzoil tattoo.
I like this bottom mustache.
How does it look good?
It looks really good.
Really?
Yeah.
You should see it closer.
Let me see your Instagram.
I do think there's something to be said for bringing back a mustache.
There's a few people who do it.
It's a strong look.
No, it looks good.
It looks like the guy.
Look at yourself up there.
I need to get my teeth cleaned.
Jesus, this just looks sad.
No, it doesn't.
No.
It looks like a guy who lost a fuck ton of weight.
Just not enough to win a competition.
Now he's got a mustache.
If you rock this look and you go back up to 256, that would be an interesting
look.

Tom Segura Shaves Bert Kreischer's Beard

Hello, freak bitches
You ready to get a puerto rican beard?
Yeah, I mean we could do a five-hour podcast and just keep drinking. I don't
mind.
It's up to you, dude, but it's about 2:15. What time do we start this bitch? 11:30?
Yeah, did you really bring a barber's thing?
I got a little tweezer thing, or a little clipper right there.
You ready to do this shit, Tommy?
Hold on, Tommy.
Tommy's just decided this is happening.
There's a bunch of attachments to that jammy depending on how close and if you
want a sculptor or contour or anything along those lines.
But are you going to try to do the prints, do you think, Tommy?
Here's what I want to do. I want to bring all this out and then bring the
bottom out.
Okay, right, right. Put a nice line.
Okay, you're going to sculpt it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to be a pro job.
Okay, what about the stash?
That's what I'm saying. I want to bring this one.
No!
This down.
Oh, what is this?
Oh, there, that's great.
That's what I want to do, a version of that.
Oh my God, it might have to be this.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
But then, but if you do that, he's just going to shave that off.
Hold on, John.
Shave that, it looks good.
No.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Please, people.
That's what I'm going for.
Just know that that's what I'm going for.
Oh my God.
No.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
All these fucking pictures.
Pictures of dude's beards are so ridiculous.
It's a better burger.
There's nothing better than the Jaguar guy, though, or the leopard guy.
Yeah, that was unbelievable.
The leopard guy's off the charts.
All right.
I got to put this on my phone, too, because I don't want to show my daughters.
Hold on.
Hold on.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hold on.
I'll just put it.
Jamie, you going with a wide angle so I can move over there?
Okay.
I'm going to move over here.
With you guys.
With a beard.
With my on it total gut health and.
Oh, shit.
You ready?
I feel like I put it, I should put it in like a ram.
Want me to hold it?
No, I'll get it left.
I'll figure this out.
Yeah, but I want you to be a part of it.
I don't want you to.
I'm right here, though.
I know, but I don't want you to have to focus on me on you holding it.
Give me that fucking thing.
Shut up.
I'm right here.
I'm just going to rest it right here.
Am I getting hair all in me right now, Tom?
You're going to get a little bit of hair on you.
Hold on.
Let's tighten this up.
Oh, you got your password, son.
Oh.
It's 448777.
Jesus Christ, Bert.
Good luck finding my phone.
Well, now it became a challenge.
Just like the weight loss challenge.
That's what you want to do.
Just find your phone and challenge the internet.
A bunch of syphilis dicks to everyone on your contact list.
Don't fuck with my hair.
Like my actually hair.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Do you want to go portrait or landscape and which one is which?
Landscape.
Landscape.
Flip it this way.
Now I'm going to have to do the fucking editing on this.
Okay.
Hit stop record.
Now hit record.
Okay.
We're recording right now.
Okay.
Hold on.
I'm putting this here.
I'm going to take a sip.
Okay.
Bert Kreischer, please explain to the people what's about to happen and why.
My beard's getting shaved because I challenged Tommy Buns on a beard challenge
on who lost most weight.
And he lost a collective like six pounds more than me.
I failed.
Go ahead.
But you did succeed in losing a ton of weight.
I lost 35 pounds I think.
So I'm happy that at least I'm not as fat as I am.
Just start.
What if you look better?
Before we do this.
I will not look better.
What if you look better?
What if you decide like I like the new Bert?
Maybe the new Bert.
I doubt it.
Maybe the new Bert doesn't sabotage things.
Maybe the new Bert with this new beard.
I'm already uncomfortable with this.
Here we go.
So Tommy Buns insisted in shaving a beautiful pattern into Bert's face.
I've worked so hard on that area.
You worked hard?
What did you do?
I just grew it out and I sculpted it.
This is all sculpted area.
This is vulnerability.
How's it sculpted?
What I do is I went to a black barbershop and I taught them how to cut my beard.
You taught them?
I asked them.
I asked them.
It sounded really...
How presumptuous is the white man?
Why are you going so high?
Just as ridiculous.
What are you laughing at?
I'm not laughing.
Where's the microphone on these things?
I might have had my fucking finger over the microphone on your cell phone.
It's okay.
I hope I don't.
No, I don't.
I don't.
I'll steal the audio from the podcast and it seems like you're going really
high.
No, I know.
It looks good.
So you're sculpting it.
You're not entirely shaving it off, Tommy?
Well...
Talk into the microphone, please.
I made it so far.
Hold on, hold on.
Go ahead, Tommy.
Tommy, why have you decided to...
Why are you going so high?
That's really high.
That's not even jawline.
Tommy, why have you decided to sculpt it and not completely shave it off?
I just...
This is a guy where, like, I see so much potential and I just want it...
I want it to maximize, like...
Oh, where are you going?
Where are you going?
People, your phone is exploding with text messages while I'm holding this up.
I can barely look at it because the screen keeps filling up with text messages.
He's giving you a Hitler.
I'm not.
He's giving you a Hitler, son.
Oh my god, this is so stupid.
What's wrong with us?
We're all adults.
What the fuck is wrong with us?
It looks so cool.
Oh my god.
Burr, can I please see it?
Wait, hold on.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
So you're doing the prints.
Hold on.
Now.
Oh my god.
Oh my god, I can't breathe.
It's going to hurt my mouth.
It's going to hurt my mouth.
Oh my god.
This is so stupid.
Oh, it's really high.
It's really high.
Tom, is this the first time you shaved another man?
Yeah.
But I've thought about it a lot.
What are you doing?
Why are you cutting that area out?
I still feel the same right now.
There's all this hair in my mouth.
What are you doing to him?
I've got so much hair in my mouth.
Jimmy, what about cocktails?
What are we doing?
What are we doing?
You can't drink right now, son.
You're in labor.
You're giving birth to the new Bert.
Do I have a rash?
Oh, this is hilarious.
Tommy, you're an artist.
You know what you should do, Tommy?
What's that?
You should once a year
offer you to sculpt a fan's beard.
You're a goddamn artist, dude.
Does it look good, Joe?
It looks amazing.
It looks amazing.
Really?
This should be the new thing that people do.
Go back to like sculpting beards.
Yeah.
That could be a show.
You just brought me a bridge, Jimmy.
That could be a show.
That could be a show.
You say his fucking beard is amazing.
I'm crying out of one eye.
That's all the fluid I have in my body.
This could be a show you do on the Travel Channel, where you all get fucked up
and you get someone
and you shave their beard into a sculpture.
Oh, you're getting in the deep area right there.
Oh, shit.
Wait till you see this.
Don't go too high.
Don't go too high.
You're saying that you're going high.
What is that?
That's vulnerability.
That's vulnerability.
You look really good, actually.
Really?
Yeah.
For real?
Yeah.
You're going to like this.
This might be the greatest time I've ever had on a podcast.
Are we good?
We're pretty clean, yeah.
All right.
So for people just listening, what Tom has done is sculpt Bert's beard in what
could best
be described as a fencer from the 1600s in France.
A fencer?
Yeah.
You look like either that or someone who would lie about being Puerto Rican.
Because they're really from somewhere that no one's ever heard of and they're
tired of people
saying, where the fuck is that?
And they go, it's, yeah, I'm just Puerto Rican.
How does it look?
It looks very Spanish.
Like, but New York City fly.
You might stick with it.
Yeah, you might.
Oh, for real?
He's a goddamn artist.
Imagine if it turns out that Tommy Buns is the premier beard artist in North
America.
I mean, more people are watching this than watch The Way In.
Really?
How many people are watching this?
24,000.
That's so ridiculous.
I feel like you might really be happy with this.
You're getting really gross to me.
Sorry, sorry.
Bert, are you going to keep this or are you going to turn to me please?
Huh?
That's actually not bad.
And I'm not bullshitting.
Are you serious?
I'm not bullshitting at all.
I kind of want to be surprised.
Let me see.
I'm not bullshitting.
You look good, dude.
Oh my god, this feels so fucking weird.
You know what?
And here's the thing, man.
Look at yourself.
Oh my god!
I look like I work at Planet of the Apes.
I look like a fucking monkey.
No.
No, this does not look good.
This does not look good, Joe.
I think it does look good.
Look at all the hair on me.
You get an earring on each ear, a big hoop like a pirate.
Yeah, but I look like I...
I feel like you wrench.
He wrenched jet skis for sure.
I look how quickly you said yeah.
You didn't even think it through.
Like what a good idea.
Definitely, definitely two fucking giant hula hoop earrings.
Oh shit.
Take your phone, buddy.
Oh my god.
Looks pretty good.
Yeah?
Oh, holy shit.
Can you see yourself performing like that?
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, of course.
You have to for a while, right?
What?
No, I'm going to shave it off tonight.
No, no, no.
You should definitely go on stage for the audience.
The people that are going to appreciate.
Wait.
They want to see you knowing exactly what happened.
What can you pick?
The second one.
He's going to fix it.
It's not done.
You know, that's what's weird.
We never really determined when he's done.
So Tom can like step back, look at it, and decide to do some changes.
I see the rash.
Oh, the rash.
Oh my god, he found the rash.
Yeah, man.
Sometimes we have rashes, ladies and gentlemen.
It's not your fault.
I know you feel like you did something naughty that the Lord punished you with
a rash, but
that's just superstitious.
A little better now?
Rashes, in fact, bacterial infections on the surface of your skin.
This feels so weird.
It's definitely better now.
I recommend defense soap.
Let me see.
I say just a mustache.
Fuck all that squirrely little bottom hair.
If you want to make him keep it for a while.
Yeah.
I'll keep it for a while.
I'm a grown man.
I'll go home and shave.
No, no, no.
Mustache.
How about this?
What?
We get rid of all this crazy shit.
Now we know what it looks like.
Give you a goddamn policeman's mustache.
Hey, you look good, man.
You actually look good.
I feel like I look like a monkey for real.
Let me see you.
You look like a top-notch bowler from Wisconsin.
Chris Hardwick's dad.
Your dude is on like World Series of Bowling, and everybody fears you like the
Bill Murray character.
Can you imagine hanging out with me in the dark?
And you're like, what is that on the top?
Oh, this guy must be covered in a beard.
What was that movie?
Fucking Kingpin.
That was great.
Kingpin.
It was so funny.
Holy shit was that movie good.
And he starts flirting with the girl, and he goes, not you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Remember when he had to have sex with his landlord in order to pay for the rent?
Nothing like that to loosen up his shit.
He's throwing up into the toilet.
Remember that he has the planned robbery with the guy?
And then, oh, sorry.
Is my face in it?
Then he throws hot coffee in that guy's face because he has to act like that it
wasn't a scam.
You know, like the landlord comes in.
He's like, what?
You're here?
And he just takes hot coffee and splashes it.
And the guy, like, fucking screams for his life.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
This feels so weird.
I can only imagine.
It feels weird because I didn't know my face would be this close to my bones.
Well, dude, do you guys, if you just don't do it like this, like this craziness,
but just keep going healthy style?
You know, I mean, we've got to figure out a way to get you guys to not...
I mean, let's be honest.
There's no way to do it.
Like, if there is a target weight, you're going to dehydrate yourself, right?
Yeah, of course.
You're going to...
Very seldom does someone go, I'll get below that