Name: Ari & Joe Go On A Hike
Uploaded: 2017-07-18T21:01:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari & Joe Go On A Hike' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari & Joe Go On A Hike' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-18. Transcript available.

Ari & Joe Go On A Hike

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Showing my day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
Good idea.
Right?
Yeah.
Mic.
Mic?
Oh, is that the beat up one?
That's the first mic I ever had.
I might have gotten it from you.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Um, we're off.
Are we recording?
Yeah.
Ooh.
That simple.
Exciting.
It's that simple.
We're on a hike, ladies and gentlemen.
We're on a hike.
You're wearing 45 pounds on you?
Yeah.
The pack's about five or six, and the weight plate's about 45.
Yeah.
Close to your face.
Oh, sorry.
It's okay.
By the way, this is how much, this is what I walked around with.
This is what I walked around with in Southeast Asia.
Oh, yeah?
About this.
This setup?
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I mean, the way it hooks onto your waist.
Yeah.
And then the over the shoulder and over the middle, too.
Mm-hmm.
Over your chest.
Oh, for a backpack?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, and about the same amount of weight.
45 pounds plus whatever else I have hanging on.
Damn.
That was, so you just carried your life on your back.
Carried everything I had.
Did you bring a laptop?
Fuck no.
Wow.
You kidding me?
It's like a couple people did, because they were like, had to upload pictures
and shit.
The two weekers did that.
Right.
But almost anyone who was gone for like more than a month was like.
You could just go to an internet cafe, right?
Yeah, if you have to.
Yeah.
And you would just log into your Gmail?
Yeah.
Exactly.
And then you had to deal with that notification thing, right?
Yeah, a couple times.
Even though I started that Gmail, the new Gmail, just for the fucking travel.
They still fucked you.
It was still like, well, this looks suspicious.
And I'm like, yeah, it looks suspicious.
It should.
I'm in fucking nowhere.
I'm in Indonesia.
Absolutely.
But then they're like, can we, there's no other way.
There's no like, what's your father's, you know, what's your mom's maiden name.
God, this is gorgeous.
Pretty, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, your kids are so fucking big now.
I know.
It's weird, right?
Yeah.
They're little humans.
Yeah.
I couldn't believe it when I saw them.
I was like, I was just like, no way.
Wait till you see the oldest.
Yeah.
Grown ass woman.
It's very strange, dude.
And one day we're going to be old men.
I mean, we're kind of old men right now to kids.
Yeah.
But one day we're going to be old men.
Yeah.
I'm getting grays already.
Dude, nobody rides for free.
Yeah.
What is it?
Ass, cash, or grass?
Yeah.
Everybody pays.
Yeah.
It's crazy, isn't it?
I mean, just, and everybody think, you know, it's the sort of the same feeling
that I
have when I talk to people about asteroid impacts.
Yeah.
Nobody wants to believe it's possible.
What?
Someone smashing into the...
Yeah, a big rock from the sky.
I've been obsessed with it for years.
We saw one.
You saw an asteroid?
In Joshua Tree.
Oh, Jesus.
Dude, it lit up.
It burned for like 15 seconds in the air.
Those are so terrifying.
It was so cool.
It was red.
And we're just like, that's not a...
We were on mushrooms.
But everyone had the same look.
That's a...
I mean, it's a rock.
Yeah.
And it just like burned off, burned off, burned off until it just went out.
But it like lasted for a while.
We were looking for a...
What's it called?
You know, shooting stars and stuff.
Mm-hmm.
The stars out there are so great.
Oh, yeah, man.
Probably out here too, huh?
Nah.
Oh, yeah.
We got some light pollution.
Yeah.
We got a little light pollution.
But it's not bad.
It's definitely better than the city.
But you really want to go out there.
Like in Hawaii.
Holy shit.
What?
The stars?
It's amazing.
Really?
Yeah.
I was in Lanai last week.
Yeah.
And the stars were just stunning, man.
You just lay back and look up at them like, ah, you see the Milky Way?
You see everything.
You see everything.
You see that...
What's that line down the middle sometimes, you know?
That's the Milky Way.
Sort of a thick line.
Yeah.
That's like, wow.
The thick clouds and it looks white.
What's this on?
Yeah.
What's that?
What's this on?
Animal dog?
Shit.
No, that's coyote.
The reason why you can tell is because it has berries in it.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Coyotes are kind of omnivores.
They're weird little animals.
But they don't attack people, right?
Oh, yeah, they do.
They do?
Yeah, they do if they have an opportunity.
It's not like we have some sort of a fucking truce.
Yeah.
What, just like you alone with a coyote at night?
They would go for it?
A woman in Canada was killed a couple years back.
19-year-old promising folk singer.
There's more coyote.
You can see the hairs in it.
It's an animal.
What, from shit they ate?
Yeah.
That's an animal that's been eating things.
Wow.
It might be a mountain lion, but I don't think so.
It might be a bobcat.
Wow.
But, um...
I remember that female Canadian singer.
Apparently, where she was, the real problem is they have a real lack of things
for them
to eat.
And so the coyotes there...
And they start encroaching?
Well, the coyotes there will even take off a moose.
No way.
Yeah.
As a pack or by themselves?
Yeah, as a pack.
They just attack the legs until they can't go anywhere.
Yeah.
They just keep chasing it and biting its legs.
Really?
Yeah.
And some of them get kicked in the head and killed while they're doing it.
I mean, they just take chances.
Because there's no food.
They have to.
There's no food.
So, they found this chick.
Walking by herself.
Whoops.
And it's a horrible way to die, man.
Because they eat you asshole first.
So, you're still alive as they're going?
Oh, yeah.
Like the bears?
Yeah, yeah.
She's still alive.
They're tearing her apart.
They don't kill you first.
They have no interest.
They don't care about killing you.
They just care about eating you.
Start chewing you apart.
And when they got her, she was still alive.
Just torn apart.
And then they took her to the hospital.
She died, I think.
Wait.
Were they found her alive?
Yeah.
Pretty sure.
Damn.
Pretty sure she was just fucked up.
Like half her face.
They eat you asshole first.
It takes a while to eat you.
What do you mean asshole first?
That's what they do to animals.
They kill you by eating you asshole first.
Yeah.
That's what coyotes do.
Wolves do the same thing.
They start at your asshole for some horrible reason.
For real, your asshole?
Because it sucks the most.
Yeah.
For real.
Like they start at your asshole.
Yeah.
It's a terrible way to die.
So, I'm hiking in these Vibram five-finger shoes.
The goat shoes?
They're minimalist shoes.
There's like almost no padding.
Let me see.
There's just some tread.
Let me see.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's like heavy socks.
Yeah.
There's tread, but there's very little padding.
Do they hurt?
Do you get those, um...
What's the thing on your heel when it hurts?
No.
No, I mean, um...
Do you feel the rocks on you?
Yeah, I feel the rocks.
It's just toughening up my feet.
Yeah.
It's making my feet stronger.
The way it's been described to me is that your foot, when you're in a regular
shoe, your foot is like in a cast.
And that, uh...
Just like how, if you ever had a broken arm...
Uh-huh.
You get that cast off, your arm is atrophied.
Yeah.
Or your legs atrophied.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, they'll strengthen it up.
That's the same thing with your foot.
And your foot is walking around, and it's cast all the time.
So it doesn't exercise all the strong muscle groups in your toes, and these
things...
They actually lost a class action lawsuit.
I think because a bunch of people took them, and they started running, and
doing a bunch of shit, and they got hurt.
Really?
Yeah, someone's calling me.
Get a reception out here.
I can't believe I do.
It's like, cool.
This is not important.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Let me turn that thing off.
They lost a class action lawsuit because people were getting hurt trying to run
on fucking boulders and shit?
Well, because they lost the lawsuit because people were suing them because they
said that they made unwarranted claims or something along those lines.
That's what's killing those e-cigarettes.
Really?
Yeah, because they were safer than smoking, and then the FDA's like, wait, why
do you think that?
Yeah.
And they're like, well, come on, obviously.
No, you can't just go obviously on the medical side.
You have to test it.
Yeah.
They don't have years and years of cancer behind them to prove...
I mean, they could easily be causing some new kind of cancer.
I mean, who the fuck knows?
And they could also be way safer, but just like, you got to prove it and then
say it.
So, with these shoes, one of the things that people who are big proponents of
them, like this guy Mark Sisson, who's the author of The Primal Blueprint.
He was a really well-respected endurance athlete and then went on to become his
coach and does a lot of online stuff and writes books about diet and exercise.
He says you got to take it slow because essentially your foot is just not used
to really working.
It's used to being protected by a shoe.
Oh, like your toe basing out for balance?
Especially with these things.
Oh.
These things, your toes are all individually moving.
And essentially it's just providing you a little bit of a thick layer
underneath to keep you from getting cut.
Oh.
But your foot does all the work.
I met these people in Cambodia that had, on this island, there's this parasite
that lives there.
And they just get it and you see this worm inside your leg and shit.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, and you got to go to the hospital and take it out.
But like, or maybe drink some stuff.
I forget how they got rid of it.
But it's just like, everybody was like, it's not going to happen to me.
And then like, yep, it happens to you.
Yeah, I just need a little bit of scratch as you're walking nearby them.
And they're like, we're in.
Yeah, and you can see it inside your skin, like moving.
Like in fucking Wrath of Khan.
I had this guy on my podcast recently, Dr. Robert Sapolsky, and he's an expert
in, well, he's an expert in a lot of things.
But one of the things he specializes in is this parasite called Toxoplasma.
That's the Brazilian one, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he was freaking me the fuck out.
You have it.
I definitely have it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
If it's that anger thing.
Oh, yeah.
The crazy thing, the rage thing.
What, did you just like get mad and fuck all the time?
Yeah, that's basically it.
To get mad and fuck disease?
Yeah, it's, um, he says 50% of the population has it.
In the world?
Yep.
50%.
And nobody in Poland?
No one?
No, I'm just like, I'm just stereotyping.
It's so crazy how it works, how it infects the cat.
And the only place where it can reproduce is in a cat's digestive tract.
And that's how it forced itself to survive.
Yeah, by tricking a rat into going near a cat.
It kills the rat's fear of cats.
See, again, you see the ropes.
You got the hairs.
You see the hairs.
Yeah, that's an animal that's killing animals.
Most likely that's a coyote, but that's pretty big.
That's some big shit.
Are there bears out here?
No.
Not out here, but not too far away.
Santa Barbara has bears.
Are there rattlesnakes here?
Yes.
It's got to be that, right?
Dude, I ran over one.
What?
Yeah, with my dogs a couple years back.
That was a waterfall.
Yeah, where I thought it was a stick.
It was a big stick across the ground.
And as I was jumping over, the dogs already passed it.
Yeah.
I realized in the air I was jumping over a fat-ass rattlesnake.
It was huge, dude.
Was it looking at you?
No.
And what, did you just go, fuck, and try to stay in the air as long as you
could?
No, I pushed the dogs away, because that was when I had pit bulls, and they
were ridiculous.
Yeah, they would go after it.
They got bit three times.
By rattlesnakes?
Yep.
They just have to take them to the doctor, and it's super expensive to get anti-venom.
Damn.
Huge pain in the dick.
Yeah.
Oh, where were we?
Oh, yeah, toxoplasma.
Yeah, it affects the rats, convinces the rats that cats, not only does it take
away their fear of cats,
but it rewires their sexual reward system and makes them attracted to