Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1000 - Joey Diaz & Tom Segura
Uploaded: 2017-08-18T23:54:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1000 - Joey Diaz & Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1000 - Joey Diaz & Tom Segura' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-18. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1000 - Joey Diaz & Tom Segura

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We're live ladies and gentlemen.
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1,000 episodes Tom Scora Joey motherfucking Diaz we're delayed and starting
ladies and gentlemen
We did not have a lighter that was a real panic set in that's embarrassing
Yeah, I thought I thought some shit was really gonna go down, but thank God. I
am petrified of earthquakes and situations
I don't put slippers on I sleep with sneakers on
Generator dog store water water tools. Yeah, I got two weapons
I got an AR-15. Have you been out here for an earthquake?
One of them that didn't scare me. Yeah, but I was just sitting by the computer
and I was looking at the cat bowls
Yeah, yeah, you get high and I was looking at the cats and I was looking at the
cat bowls and all sudden the whole building tipped
I saw the cat bowls up in the air spinning and the cats running for their lives
They acted they were acting weird a couple seconds before that and that's why I
go why are they so fucked up?
Well, they were acting weird before the earth for the earth they say yeah
They sensed it
They sensed it. Yeah, heard that a lot
So I started looking at the cat bowls dogs do crazy shit
What the fuck is going on that they're doing that and all sudden dog
I just saw the cat bowls. It's like a cartoon up in the air spinning the
earthquake and the whole building shifted
I heard the bricks the whole thing I thought about it being at night sleep apnea
You got to have a conveyor whatever fucker and they saw they sell like for 600
you get one with everything lights an iron
It fucking cleans your water
It's scary as shit when you shit you panic about what earthquakes are like if
you mean you before you move here
Yeah, and then you like I remember the first week I was here
I was in an apartment in Sherman Oaks and I was standing at the kitchen counter
of this person's apartment on their laptop doing like sending an email
And I felt a little and I go in my head. I go. Oh, that's the subway
And I kept typing and then he could you feel that and I was like, yeah
He's like crazy, right? That's the earth shake underneath your feet
I was like, oh, and it's like a panic sets in you're like, oh my god
Like I've actually experienced yeah the earth moving now
And then the next step is like when you are you don't you like if you're asleep
and then you hear like you feel the dresser
You hear the dresser, you know or or something that's hanging on your wall bumping
You're like fucks going on it takes you that extra beat to figure out
You're going through an earthquake that extra beat is fucked. It's how many
have you been through?
Nothing big but like fives 5.5 a couple of those the first one
I was in was an aftershock of the Northridge earthquake
I was staying in North Hollywood and I was in this shitty apartment
It was made out of like fucking the same boxes that they used like to ship
refrigerators and like literally the walls when the earthquake hit the wall
Just went like this. I mean like the whole thing was just like a giant was
pushing on the house scary as fuck, right?
Yeah, well, it's humbling. Yeah, cuz you realize like this is nothing. This isn't
chewing up the street. This isn't knocking over any houses
Imagine what it felt like when that big one hit and it hit for 30 seconds
Yeah, 30 30 seconds is so long to feel the ground moving. That's why those
people move to Boulder
Well, that's why I was just gonna say that now when you have that experience
There's some people that because app for a few days after Northbridge there was
Aftershocks. Yeah, and there's people that one day look at their kids and go. I'm
not going through this again. Yeah, I work in Wilshire
Yeah, I work on Wilshire. Yeah, big building. What if yeah?
What if you live in a thousand oaks?
What if so a lot of people just a bad that's what everybody's waiting for an
earthquake here because then people leave and they sell their houses for dirt
cheap
Yeah, but we're out. It does happen. We're out. We're gone. They don't ever
want to experience it again
but then I see a guy like my uncle who's lived here since 55 and
I've asked him were you ever scared because you know you're feeling but
Dude when I first moved here before I first moved here
I was out here for meetings and I went by a section of the highway
I think it was the 10 that had collapsed and they were moving cars around it.
Yeah, and as we're is this what happened?
What is this an apartment building that collapsed? I just Northridge earthquake.
Oh, this is the Northridge one. Yeah, dude, that was a
Fucking serious earthquake man. Yeah like fucking serious and when I was
driving by this one section of the highway
It collapsed on the lower section and I remember thinking that's just shit luck
like this right here
Yeah, yeah, like you could be there and that is just shit. Love is really blam
that thing lands on you and that's how you go
That's I'm sorry. I am a hard-working individual. I really try to do anything I
could to help myself
But when people call me and tell me they want me to go to a meeting in Santa
Monica
You have to like three unless I'm picking up an envelope
I tell him no remember that kid won the Oscar from Modern Family and he said I
was always the guy that went to Ocean Avenue at five for those auditions
Yeah, you deserve an Oscar because
When you switch from the 10 to the 405 you got to wait on that ramp
Yeah, that is your first world privilege right there if you're fucking high and
you're in the middle of that ramp
Yeah, your mind starts playing. I'm telling you. I've been stuck on that ramp
and I've gone never again. Oh, man
I want to go through this ramp. I don't ever want to be in the middle of that
ramp. That's not good
Not good your mind starts playing with you and you remember that those images
and you go fuck that
Okay, let me let's plan this right now if the shit hits the fan this thing
shakes to the ground. Yeah, where are we going?
Cuz listen one of the main reasons why I like being in LA is cuz I like you
guys
Yes, so we're gonna all go like I like a for real like a hundred percent like
that
That was the thing that bothered me the most about Colorado. I
There was a lot of nice people out there, but I didn't know you you guys weren't
out there alone
It's a real feeling I see I see when we work together on the but there's
something fun about running into you guys all the time
Yeah, like it makes life better. We do sets at the store
Yeah, the factory and wherever we're at. It's more fun. It makes life more fun.
I would do this podcast a hundred percent
I would do a group move to Colorado. Fuck. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
I love that state
That's what we do the group move to Colorado is the right way. You gotta
remember guys
It's not our decision in that it could be you go home. Mrs. Rogan sits you down
and go. That's it
I'm not living. Yeah, this again. Yeah, yeah, that's what that's how and I'm in
fact I packed the bags
Without you. I'm going to a hotel like yeah people it affects that way. Oh,
yeah, but they know like this ends
Right today. Yeah with that with that earthquake. Yeah
If you feel it if you feel that motherfucker the ones that take down highways
if you feel that you like oh my god
This is not even a really big one. Yeah, really big ones change the shape of
continents true
I mean, that's the real fear. The real fear is there's a giant one like a 10 or
an 11
Part of you by the way always feels kind of crazy
Like when I was growing up in Florida with hurricanes that like after a
hurricane you're like are we staying after this?
Yeah, it happens all the time that's Florida's mentality like we're just bored
up get beer
Yeah
Yeah, but there's something about a hurricane that like for whatever reason I
feel like if you're just in the basement
The top blows off the thing and you just fucking strap your something like a
wild ride at Disneyland
But but now they give you these warnings. They're like you're definitely gonna
die
And people still are like fuck it. Yeah, like oh for sure my friend's mom his
mom is like 70 something years old
And this big one was coming. They're like this time. We're not fucking around.
This is a category five. This is going to absolutely
Devastate this area and she was like absolutely not I've been here 40 some
years
Nothing ever fucking happens and he begged her and she was like no
And it's like, you know, those are all those reports are always rolling the
dice cuz they they'll say it's gonna be this bad
And then it'll you know it'll turn or it'll land different. Yeah, and it turned
into like a tropical storm
She was like see
But she was like the only person that stayed
Like everybody else we would always bail
I don't know if you were ever there for a hurricane. No, but like we would
always book it man
As soon as they were like this thing is gonna land we're like no, there's no
way and even driving in those tropical storms was
Unreal men like you can't see an inch in front of the car. It's like you're
driving through a carwash
We had a stop once were you with me when Eddie did that seminar in Miami when
we were working at West Palm
Did you go down with us? No, we went we Eddie is doing a seminar in West Palm
or in in Miami
We are in West Palm. It's like a half hour away
So we left to go to the seminar and we were stopped dead on the highway
You could not see an inch in front of the windshield. It's amazing. It was
fucking crazy. Yeah, it lasted for about 15 minutes
But it was just
Dude that the sky opened up the time there all the time
We don't even know what rain is no
We don't even know and I never knew growing up like in Boston growing up
growing up in Boston
I never saw that. Yeah, we saw it rain. We never saw that like that's some next
level
I haven't really seen it duplicated since leaving
I saw it's pretty crazy as a child. I saw one bad rainstorm in Jersey
Where the clouds got dark. Yeah, it started hailing
Have you ever lived through hailing? Yeah, I don't know that's
Did you ever see videos of what people's cars are just going to sound it?
Yeah, and there's one one guy had a film of a lake they were watching it and it
slowly ramps up
It's like one yeah, one two and he's like whoa look at the size of this hail
and then all of a sudden it's fuck
It's literally like we're being attacked with rocks from space. Like here watch
this look at this
Who's this fucking guys pool? Yeah, there's a gang of these man, but like look
at this one
Look at that. That's rocks! Those are ice rocks. It's hysterical. It fucks
people's cars up. This is insane. Oh, destroys
destroys cars. Whenever this happens in Colorado, look at the fucking water
dude
A thousand roofers moved to Colorado because there's work for two fucking years.
Yeah, but you get KO'd. Jesus Christ. Yeah, look at it. It's getting worse
This is insane. Dude, you get KO'd
Okay, especially if you're like a little kid. Oh, definitely. Imagine being a
five-year-old out in this you get fucking pummeled to death
Has anybody ever died from hail?
Perhaps has to have happened. Seems like it. The first week I moved to LA
That's insane
Tom Segura
The first week I moved to LA on a Monday and that Friday was the North
Hollywood shootout
Oh really? I'm not sure if this is the place for me. That was that week?
That Monday I came in I was living with Stanhope. Yeah, I went to find a job
that Friday
Yeah, and there was a bunch of traffic and they were like now there's a North
Hollywood shootout. I didn't know what North Hollywood was
That shootout changed policing nationwide. You know that that incident changed
the way they viewed
Having weapons changed their training. They've never even
like
Contemplated that people would rob a bank with like fully automatic machine gun
Do you remember the scene of the guy coming out with the body a