Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1012 - Brendan Schaub
Uploaded: 2017-09-15T22:06:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1012 - Brendan Schaub' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1012 - Brendan Schaub' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-15. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1012 - Brendan Schaub

Oh, false flag.
Five, four, three, two.
Yes!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen!
Yes!
We're here.
I'm sorry we didn't go live earlier, folks.
I tweeted it 20 minutes ago.
We just said a bunch of shit we could never talk to you about.
Gossip.
A lot of it had to do with dicks.
As usual.
Well, of course, when Shob's on, it's about dicks.
Got to do what you got to do.
Dicks and gossip.
Speaking of dicks, that fucking thing you're driving around?
Yeah.
You're driving around a kid's toy all around L.A.
That's so crazy.
Mr. Fuckboy toy.
Dude, I was, because I came straight from the airport.
Tell everyone what it is.
It's a slingshot, so it's, you know, it's three wheelers.
So it's two wheels in the front, one in the back.
It looks like Bruce Wayne's, like, Batmobile, like, weird toy.
It looks like you shouldn't be able to drive in the street.
You're like, wait a minute.
How do you, you could just drive that around?
I know.
How does that work?
That's a car.
Is that a car?
Like, what is that?
I don't know what it is, but technically it's considered a motorcycle.
And, you know, I have the helmet.
I wear the helmet sometimes.
Kids, if you're listening, definitely wear a helmet when you have it.
But I was, I parked at the airport, because I don't want to park my Porsche at
the airport.
You parked that at the airport?
Yeah, I parked that at the airport.
And then I went, I thought I'd have time to go home, because I landed this
morning from San Francisco.
I thought I'd have time to go home and change the cars out and then come here
and, you know, take a shower or whatever.
But I didn't.
So I was like, ah, fuck it, I just drive all the way down there.
Go on the 405, over the hill.
Wow.
Dude, it's lovely, though.
The wind's in my face.
I got fucking 80s rock on.
It's fucking, I was feeling myself, man.
And I thought, I mean, people are looking at me like, that's either the coolest
guy I've ever seen or the biggest tool in the world.
It's fucking, hit me with your best shot.
I'm just fucking flying, man.
That's hilarious.
You were listening to Pat Bennett talk.
Yeah.
Just wild as shit, too.
Oh, my God.
I love it, man, because, again, I would never get on a motorcycle, because this
thing's so big, so it's a little safer.
Little?
A little safer.
But people can see it.
Like, motorcycles get fucked up, can't see it.
That's a big part.
But this thing, I mean, wind's in my face.
I can see, like, everything, man.
Like a car, you're showing clothes.
This, I love it.
And the stick shift, like, I feel like I'm one with the road.
Oh, it's a real stick.
Oh, yeah.
With a clutch.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't that much better?
It is and it isn't.
It's way better for driving.
Yeah, I feel more, like I said, with the road, I feel like Paul Newman or some
shit, like a race car driver.
Especially with that thing.
That seems like the sweet spot between a motorcycle and a car.
Exactly.
That's why it makes sense.
And the gas mileage on it is super beastie.
It's awesome.
Oh, it probably weighs nothing, right?
Nothing.
A little engine in it.
It's fast.
What do you think it weighs?
Can you pick it up?
I don't know.
We should try after this.
Yeah, we should try to pick it up.
You and I can definitely pick it up.
If it weighs somewhere around, like, a really light, light car is supposed to
be the most fun to drive.
Let's say, like, a 1973 Porsche.
Because they're not that powerful, but they don't really need to be.
If a 1973 Porsche has, like, 200 horsepower, it's like, wow, this is a fast
little car.
Because they weigh, you can get them down to, like, 1,900 pounds.
That's insane.
My GT3 is 3,000 pounds, so think of that.
Which is nuts, though.
It's very light.
That's why when you're buying a Porsche, if you get the Targa, they're so much
heavier.
Because they have that glass, and they're heavy as fuck.
Yeah, all that bullshit going on up there.
They look sick, though.
They do look cool.
But I don't think they are, especially the old ones, I don't think they're the
most rigid.
I don't think they had that down.
Like, I used to have an NSX that had a Target top.
What do you got here?
1,700.
What year is that?
No, that's a new one.
Oh, that's the slingshot?
That's the slingshot.
Oh, I thought you were saying Porsche.
Wow, that's light.
That's, like, lighter than probably one of the lightest cars you could get.
Now, here's the stickler.
No airbags.
So, if someone were to hit me.
That's no bueno.
I live life on the edge, though, fellas.
You're living on the edge.
Look at that thing.
How do you get away with having no airbags?
How does that work?
I'm not sure.
It's basically a motorcycle.
It's considered a motorcycle on the street.
But they say cops, if they see you without a helmet, they will pull you over
and pound the car.
I just, these things are so new.
They think I'm, like, some low-budget Alley Cat Bruce Wayne or something like
that.
They thumbs up.
I passed seven of them.
And if you don't have a helmet on?
Yeah, and I go in carpool.
I go in carpool like an asshole.
Just blaring 80s rock.
Wait a minute.
You go in carpool because it's a motorcycle?
Yeah.
I'm like, well, classically, it's a motorcycle.
Wow.
You could go in the HOV in that?
I'm not sure, Joe.
There's really no rules.
I'm kind of in no man's land right now.
So, you're allowed to go in the, how funny is that?
You're allowed to go in the carpool lane in a fucking motorcycle.
That's the opposite of carpooling.
Isn't it weird?
It's so stupid.
Like, if you're carpooling on a motorcycle, you're putting somebody at risk.
Correct.
You know, if you get somebody on the back with you?
Super dangerous.
Every time I, I see a guy on a motorcycle, I see one person.
I see, like, well, it's dangerous, but it's a guy on a motorcycle.
I see two people on a motorcycle, I go, well, this is, this is, like,
exponentially more dangerous.
And usually it's this girl on the back with, like, she has Daisy Dukes on or
something.
Right.
And how much, how good are you at adjusting with that extra 125 pounds in the
back?
And her.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
That extra 125 pounds or whatever she weighs.
Let's go 140.
Let's make her a real woman.
Let's say she's thick.
150 pounds.
So, if you've got 150 pounds behind you, how good are you at correcting for
that?
Have you really practiced that?
Are you good?
In the moment, when the shit hits the fan, do you make good decisions?
Do you even know if you do?
I think it's one of those things where, does it matter if you're both on a
motorcycle
and you have Daisy Dukes on and you crash?
Who gives a fuck?
Meat goes everywhere.
Super meaty.
Oh, just chunks of meat hit the gravel and rip apart.
That's such a terrible way to go.
Barefoot in shorts.
No shirt.
Riding a motorcycle.
A real motorcycle.
And you could do that in Colorado.
You don't have to have a helmet.
I think Nevada has no helmet, too.
There's a bunch of places like that.
Arizona, no helmets.
I saw these dudes riding around in Harley Davidson's, no helmet, and I was like,
what?
It's kind of fair, though.
Like, if you're going to ride a motorcycle, how are you going to tell them to
wear a helmet?
If they don't want to wear one, who gives a fuck?
Because that's the only thing that could save their life.
I know, but if they're on a motorcycle, you know what I'm saying?
Like, ah, whatever, man.
Yeah.
This is how I like to live.
Well, there's an argument there, man, for sure.
I don't think you should be able to tell people what to do, but I think
guidelines for young
people are very, very important because they make impulsive decisions, and you
could protect
more of them if you made a mandatory helmet law.
Maybe you should say up to age 30, and over age 30, you do whatever the fuck
you want.
Well, that's why they do it, because you can't have all those loopholes, can
you?
Yeah, probably.
That makes sense.
I think the reason why they do it is for insurance.
I think insurance policies don't, they don't want to pay out for injuries and
death and
all that shit.
That's why they make seatbelt laws.
That's why they make helmet laws.
I don't really think it's to protect people.
I think protecting people is a consequence of protecting their money.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Insurance on it.
How gross is that?
I'm pretty sure that's true, though.
That's life, son.
I mean, they realize how people, how many people get injured and how much they
have to
pay.
So they factor it in.
They say, well, just lobby for more protection in the cars, more airbags, airbags
mandatory, seatbelts, all that different stuff.
Like, a lot of that is really under the guise of protecting us.
It's really protecting insurance companies' money.
It's nasty.
They say your odds of getting in a motorcycle accident, your first year of
owning a motorcycle,
are 99%.
Oh, my God.
99% of people get in some sort of, they wreck it, they do something, their
first year of
driving a motorcycle.
Wow.
That's why you don't buy a super fancy motorcycle your first year.
Did you ever see Dean Del Rey when he wiped?
No.
He wiped back when he was fat, Dean.
Dean got off sugar.
Completely, really impressive, actually.
He was always, it was never fat, but he was a guy who was not taking care of
himself.
Sorry.
Not going to the gym, and he got real thick, and he was on a motorcycle and
some crazy meth
head cut him off.
Some lady, it might have been a stolen car.
It was something like super sketchy, but she crashed into him.
He wiped.
She never stopped.
And he just got toe up all of his side, his legs, his arm.
He just got severely jacked.
Yeah, there he is.
God damn.
Yeah.
Dean Del Rey, living life.
There's a picture of the actual wound, if you could find it.
He put up the actual wound on his, especially on his back and side.
It's really bad.
I mean, he fucking wiped.
I mean, if I'm going to crash, I want it to be because of my air, not some
random lady
not seeing me on meth.
Yeah, man, it ain't.
No, it's not in there.
There's a picture of it.
I know, I don't see the picture of it right now.
Oh.
Well, no worries.
But anyway, all that white shit all over his side, those bandages, I mean, that's
how
big the fucking giant tear is.
It goes, his skin is fucked up for like a good solid foot and a half.
How funny is this?
And so in the NFL, NBA, NHL, motorcycles are illegal.
Once you sign that contract, you cannot drive a motorcycle.
I'm sure there's guys that have them, but legally it will void your contract.
In the UFC, you can win a motorcycle.
They give you motorcycles.
That's because of the deal with Harley.
I get it.
Isn't it weird?
Yeah.
Well, they're also like, I don't know.
I mean, you got to think of who was running the UFC, right?
It was owned by two guys, the Fertittas, that were independently.
Mavericks.
They were very, very wealthy already and very wise businessmen, and they were
fans.
So they just decided, fuck this.
Let's just try to make this work.
Let's try to make it real.
They hired Dana fucking White to be the president, who's crazy.
Yeah.
And it all worked.
It was beautiful.
In a good way.
It was a good...
It's great.
It's great.
Like, his craziness is part of the reason why it's so appealing.
Like, when Oscar De La Hoya was talking shit about the Mayweather-McGregor
fight, and he goes, what?
He was like, LOL, is this guy sniffing coke again?
I love that.
Such a roast.
Such a roast.
Meanwhile, he didn't...
Did he even go into the cross-dressing?
No.
Yeah, you're right.
See?
Not at all.
That's a jab.
It could have gotten nasty.
That's a jab.
It could have came with that straight right.
The sniffing coke.
A lot of people sniff coke.
All right, buddy.
Don't fucking...
But don't make me fucking cross-dressing.
Don't make the UFC with the whatever 10 million followers blast a picture in
high heels, bitch.
And it went out without even him having to do it.
Because if it's one thing, too, if it's an obvious second thing, and you say
the first
thing and be real mild, everybody else would pick up the slack.
They assume.
Did you see Dosprack?
Yeah, at Dosprack.
