Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1046 - Owen Smith
Uploaded: 2017-11-30T01:20:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1046 - Owen Smith' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1046 - Owen Smith' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-30. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1046 - Owen Smith

boom and we're live oh when you go in Australia are you moving there I've never
been B I've never
never been I've never been you would love it that's what they say man I get a
lot of Australians come
to the store and when I perform at the cellar a lot of Australians they fly
over here to see
comedy it's crazy yeah it's crazy they take comedy vacations it's super common
you ever see like a
a hot dog spot and this is like world famous I feel like when I talk to an
Australian I can say I'm
world famous but I've never been over there well I think a lot of them come
over here just like oh
fuck it mate let's go to Australia and you know fucking fly over to Los Angeles
and see what it's
like over there they've got more people in their state than we have in our
entire country there's
more people in the greater LA area then in the entire the entirety what's that
feel like you know
and they're as big as the United States yeah it's huge yeah it's huge so it's
the size of the
contiguous United States I think the lower 48 I don't think it's Alaska
included but it has less
people than Los Angeles I learned that lower 48 term when I was in Alaska I
didn't even know that yeah
they barely are America yeah yeah it was crazy you look at it you're like what
yeah how is this up here
yeah yeah this is America too yeah I was like huh how'd y'all get in
lower 48 yeah I used to have a joke about Sarah Palin I'm like that's a frozen
Puerto Rico that's what
that is
so not America that's barely America that's hilarious those people are cool as
fuck though
yeah man I loved it everything was rustic that was the new word for like it was
a bug on my spoon man
It was rustic
I was in Fairbanks banging on things I became a nerd too I saw like the Aurora
Borealis like
it was beautiful I saw a moose up close and
whales like breaching I got you know yeah resurrection bay I think is where I
went
it's real up there it's fantastic I loved it I went in April so it wasn't too
cold but it was still cold as
yeah it's it's weird up there because the people are just they're so accustomed
to like the trials
and tribulations of nature they feel like they're heartier folk oh yeah
definitely you know what I mean
definitely they're not consumed with like the stuff that we are bothered with
and they everybody has
a plane like every other person had a plane in their backyard bush plane yeah
it's kind of cool
dude this this place is going crazy we lost Garrison Keillor and Matt Lauer
today both of them went down
back down that's what they get crazy like I say man
Garrison Keillor Garrison Keillor look man them low-talking dudes those slow-talking
yeah those little guys welcome to Lake Mobegun those are the guys you gotta
watch out for
yeah yeah the whispery dudes here we are live public broadcast radio could use
your donations
we love bringing you quality content but it comes at a price
yeah the first guy to go down was that John Gomeshi guy who was that is that
the NBR president
Canada the CBC guy that was choking bitches oh
no
who was the Montreal
that's the dude
that's the Montreal dude
yes he was like Mr. Calm and Quiet and Progressive and I'm a feminist
I don't trust it
I call myself a feminist
ladies you can you listen
you cannot trust
I'm not the best human being in the world but I swear to God what you see is
what you get
yeah
all right
you got to be careful with these fucking male feminists that is just
that is a sneaky ploy to get pussy
what was that one
who was it was it
Eric Weinstein that was telling us about
a particular type of cuttlefish
that pretends to be a female
so that he can get in close with the males
because the males don't recognize him as being a threat
what was it
sneaky sneaker male like a sneaker male
hilarious
yeah and he can operate like underneath the large cuttlefish
right
and with all the females
and he bangs them on the sneak tip
that's the dude that's like I understand you
yeah is that it
that's dope
sneaker male cuttlefish of Thailand
there it is
yeah so it literally is like a transgender cuttlefish
it pretends to be a woman
but really it's just trying to get some pussy
that's it
and it's it's strategy is not to be the big
you know uh ever-present dominant male
but instead just slip around
just like the girls
that's like um
that's like the one straight dude in a ballet
and he's like the women complain to me about all the other guys
and then I end up
smashing them all
or like the one straight dude in uh in church choir
yeah you know when you see those guys who they really are
when one of the ballerina's boyfriends show up
yeah
and the straight dude's bitchy to them
yeah
oh yeah
look at you
trying to fuck my girl
you you've been trying though
you've got this whole thing cultivated
you're watering it all
and putting fertilizer
you're setting it all up
you got your moves
you got your calendar
you got your fake books
you're pretending to read that you leave out
yeah yeah
all the shit that we do
all the shit that guys do
everybody has a move
what was Garrison Keillor's
he was he was probably the you know
just the intellect man
he was a professor
he was the
yeah
the professorial crush right
Lake Bobegon he created this whole world
yeah
little talking dude
made money in minnesota
it was prince
and this dude
and Garrison Keillor
yeah
so
yeah
look at him
man look at that dude
that dude was slinging dick
ugh
terrible
Garrison Keillor
Garrison Keillor
I wonder what is the accusations
I don't know
here's the thing though man
all a chick has to do is hate you
that's what's scary
yeah
and then you're guilty
yeah
it's the bucket is so wide
it's like it's the Weinstein of it all
and then it's I don't know
you know
Matt Lauer of it all
I don't know what Matt did
but
yeah I don't know what he did either
but then there's like the Louis CK angle
where he doesn't even touch you
he just jerks off in front of you
like
hmm
what the fuck
like my boys say though
he's like
you don't know what it's like to have a dick
like
because you think about it
like who like
who would put everything in peril
to just
jerk off in front of somebody
like you know
this is going to come back on you
yes
so it has to be something
something with your dick
that makes you go
I have to do this
I think it's
I've been saying this for a while
I think it's one of the things
that like makes people funny too
is that ridiculous way
of viewing the world
you're just chaotic
yeah
impulsive
and you do nutty shit
and the next thing you know
you're like
can I jerk off in front of you
and you're like
what
you push the limits
you start pushing
let me see how ridiculous
I can be
yeah
you want to see
what people's lines are
and it probably worked
it might have worked
for somebody
yeah
that whip it out
like the whipping your dick out thing
like I know dudes
that that was
people tried to get me
to do that in college
they were like
yo you should just
pull your dick out
I'm like that works
yeah
and I was like
I never had the courage
to just
pull my dick out
in front of a girl
but I know cats
that were doing it
all the time
but when it does work
you're like
holy shit
I gotta figure out
what the rhythm is
right
what's the beats
what are the beats
is it a movie first
is it a
because
there's some times
where it can work
and you're like
what
how does that
how is that possible
but then
other times
where you'd pull your dick out
and the girl would be like
what the fuck
and you're like
I'm sorry
Jesus
what did I do
Jesus
you can't bat
baseball averages
with your dick pull out game
not only that
it's a low average
it's a low average
it's a low average
but if you get crazy
and hit that one out of a hundred
it was worth it
it was worth it
until today man
all those 99
are coming out
yes
and if you have like
a freak girlfriend
like when you're in high school
or something like that
and it just ruins your perception
it ruins you
you know what else
fucks a lot of dudes up
the strip club
they hang out there
so they have this false reality
of what
you know
a woman is
so then when they go out
and just try to talk
to a regular woman
they're like
well you gotta get to know me first
like fuck you bitch
they don't even know how to
there's a little bit of that
but there's also
you're just getting used to
dealing with freaks
you're dealing with freaks all the time
they have a different
different parameter
it's not like the lady in the office
that handles accounting
you can't pull your dick out on her
no
but that is nice
when you meet a woman
who has agency over her body
and knows what she likes
that could fuck you up
when you go
and you're dealing with somebody
that's not that free
yes
that could be
that's a problem
where girls just
they're not
free is the right word
right
they're not just
relaxed enough
or comfortable enough
in their own skin
or know what they like
and just can tell you
and you're like
yeah
yeah
and that's when you have to decide
if you really like her
because if you do like
focus on her
and bring that out of her
and you don't like her
it's gonna be hard
to get out of that
yeah
yeah
that's a problem
yeah
I dated a girl once
a long time ago
like way back in the day
I was in my 20s
and I loved having sex with her
but I hated hanging out with her
it's that
I know man
it's that
it's that
how'd you try to like
ghost her
when you were
she got mad at me
that's what they always did
they always wound up
getting mad at me
they just get mad at you
just you're not doing
what they want you to do
you're not marrying them
you're not this
you're not that
you're not
oh man
but isn't that crazy
don't think about that
you got what you wanted
and then you had to
sit through that
moment of her being upset
you knew it was coming
but you already got
what you wanted
you see what I'm saying
well it was
the part of her behavior
was like a game
to try to get me in
yeah
you know like
part of her freak shit
was just like
she knew that
that's what I wanted from her
you know
so she would just
act like the freakiest
like I'll suck your dick
right now
do you want me to
like we're in the movie theater
I'll suck your dick
whoa
Jesus
right
you're like
I didn't know
I was on the menu
but I'll take it
and then when you go
alright I'm good
yeah like what
how could you
I sucked your dick
in that theater
exactly
exactly
yeah
like some part of
like that behavior
is like they know
that other girls
don't behave like that
so if they just
turn this shit up to nine
like whoa
it's dope
and then you think
about them all the time
and then it gets exciting
then after she's mad at you
then that's when I would date her
no dick sucks in the movie
angry
angry
fuck you
she don't even like movies
I don't like movies
how come you don't like
who doesn't like movies
yeah a friend of mine
was talking to me about
this about
like a girl
that has been like
real open
about all the different guys
she fucked
and now she's gonna settle down
but
I was promiscuous in the past
and I'm not doing that anymore
and the guy's like
what
when a guy hears that
you're like
wait a minute
wait a minute
I missed it
I missed
I missed the war
borealis
it's the worst
yes
I could have been here in April
I would have saw the lights
in the sky
yes
yeah I hate born again virgins
man
that's
I get it though
I ain't doing it no more
until I get married
it's like you got
you got two kids
like you have
you used to fuck
it's my turn
it's my turn
you know what I had to do
to get in this seat
but you gotta just let people
be who they are man
when you see that
the thing is like
this is what men do
and also what women do
we try to change the person
we're with like
oh this dude doesn't dress good
but if I just get him
the right clothes
and just teach him
how to groom his hair
and you know
get him to wear
more stylish things
yeah
yeah they'll just
start to change you
then you start looking better
your confidence gets up
you're like
why am I with you
yeah
I wanna get with her
I had a buddy of mine
who would get girls
and get them to go on a diet
he would date cute gir