Name: JRE MMA Show #7 with Brendan Schaub & Bryan Callen
Uploaded: 2017-12-27T02:09:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'JRE MMA Show #7 with Brendan Schaub & Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'JRE MMA Show #7 with Brendan Schaub & Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-27. Transcript available.

JRE MMA Show #7 with Brendan Schaub & Bryan Callen

Man, that PRP, platelet-rich plasma with stem cells is the shit.
Did you do it in Vegas?
Yeah, one week later, my elbow's feeling great.
It's the Brian Callen Show, ladies and gentlemen.
We are live!
The Brian Callen MMA Hour spectacular.
That's right.
Fresh off of Christmas, everybody.
Had a bit of the flu.
Touched the flu, put me on my back for a couple hours every day.
Did you get the flu?
Sure did.
Did you get the flu shots?
Nope, did not.
Who gets those?
I don't get those.
I should and I don't.
Flu's up 70%.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, apparently it's a very complicated thing to try to nail which flu
virus is going
to hit people, and they don't get it right a lot.
Yeah, the CDC will sometimes be like, listen, we just checked, this flu's
coming in, it's
a bitch.
But here's the problem.
A lot of times, they'll even admit when you get the flu shot, it doesn't take,
it helps
a little bit, it'll make the flu you get less.
You also get the flu.
You can get the flu.
That's what they're injecting the flu in you.
Like, I've gotten the flu shot, I got sick as fuck.
It's the dead virus.
Yeah.
It's the dead virus.
No, I got sick though.
But it has, there's a reaction that some people have to it, right?
Yeah.
You can have a, when you're sick, if you're about to get sick or you're feeling
sick, don't
get the flu shot, they say.
Who gets the flu shot?
Yeah, they say don't get it when your immune system's compromised.
Yeah.
That's correct.
But sometimes they can give you the flu shot and everybody will get the flu and
you won't.
So it does work.
Yes.
Sometimes.
Yeah.
But I don't think it's...
I'll do it.
I need to.
I just don't, you know, it's like, do I want to go in there and get a shot?
I'm a pussy.
I'm like, ah, I'll just get sick for 10 days.
I just don't want to do it.
I'll tell you what, if I'm Francis or if I'm Steepi, I'm trying to give fucking
Francis
the flu.
Yeah.
A little segue there.
No, it blows some fucking poisonous.
Something.
There you go.
Some North Korean just...
Oh, yeah.
Anything.
They found that North Korean soldier that defected.
He had been vaccinated against anthrax.
What?
Yeah.
And they're like, wait, what?
I don't know.
Yeah.
He's the second guy that defected in a month.
Oh, yeah.
That guy.
Oh, yeah.
Because the first guy they found like crazy parasites.
Yeah.
He was all fucked up.
He had kernels of corn in his thing.
He was eating raw corn.
Like tapeworms and everything.
Poor guy.
They're starving to death over there.
North Korea.
Well, communism works, especially.
It doesn't turn into...
It's a monarchy.
Yeah, communism is the best.
All you fucking freaks out there.
All you young millennials wearing beads.
Jesus Christ.
Look at North Korea.
Read your history.
Look, I'm not exactly a history major,
but I know enough about history to know about Marxism.
Especially after talking to Jordan Peterson about it.
I dove deep into it.
Just because it was like, what is the history of this stuff?
It's all terrible.
Of course it is.
It doesn't work.
No.
It's like, it's not human nature.
Because you need a central power.
You need someone to keep the ones that are getting...
I talked to an academic the other day.
I said, so what are you saying?
He kept talking about the Scandinavian system of government
and how great it was.
I go, when was the last time you bought something made in Scandinavia?
I like Scandinavia.
Isn't it like Ikea?
Sob's an Ikea?
Ikea's a good car.
Ikea's kind of...
Yeah, we're talking about an Ikea.
I mean, Sob's a good car.
Sure, there are certain things.
But we're talking about an iPad right now.
Everything was made in the marketplace.
It's like, oh, fuck yourself.
Well, it's definitely a smaller place, too, right?
You're not dealing with vast numbers of people.
Yeah, it's called 7 million people, 8 million people in Sweden.
What's the last good thing Russia made?
It's a good point.
The Kalashnikov.
They had the Kalashnikov in the 50s.
Yeah, they made some good rifles in the 50s.
I think it was the AK-47s.
They had some good strides they made in rocketry.
You know, they were the first guy to put a guy into orbit.
Although they absolutely did fake the video footage that they released of Yuri
Gagerov.
Is that his name?
Yuri Gagarin.
Yuri Gagarin in space.
They've proven that there's no way you could get the kind of camera that you
would need to record that.
Which film in that small capsule that he was floating around in space in.
And then there's light coming from two...
So they have lights on him, these dumb fucks.
They have lights on him.
He's in a cabin and he's faking.
He really did do it, but they didn't really get footage of him doing it.
So they faked the footage, but he actually did it?
They faked the footage, yeah.
I'm cool with that.
The Russians bummed me out because Russia...
Well, it's just propaganda.
They all did it back then.
The Russians are amazing at anything they put their mind to.
The culture itself, they work so hard.
If you look at them, they're like, we want to be great powerlifters, great
wrestlers, anything...
They're all doing steroids.
Even that.
Dude, did you watch that movie?
The Brian Fogel movie?
It agrees.
How fucking crazy is that?
Everybody doing them.
Everybody.
Aren't they banned from the Olympics?
Did they just get banned?
They banned them, but here's what's really squirrely.
It's a weird band.
One of the things they did, they took medals away from a couple of people.
But the people that take medals away, they say, you can't compete in this sport.
And now they've pulled them out of a couple sports that nobody gives a fuck
about.
And here's the other problem.
The IOC and WADA, the World Anti-Doping Agency, they're completely
interconnected.
People work for both of them.
They go back and forth in between each other.
They have an incestuous relationship.
And that was all exposed by Brian Fogel in that movie.
It's a fucking great movie.
Icarus, if you haven't seen it, you want to know the depths of doping.
I love that guy.
I love that Russian guy.
It's Netflix.
Yeah, amazing.
That Russian guy was fascinating to me.
And he had been an athlete.
And then he's in a witness protection program, right?
I mean, he's basically afraid for his life.
Yes.
Look at this.
Russia is banned from the 2018 Olympics.
And the athletes are told to compete under the Olympic flag, not representing a
company.
A country, rather.
So now the Olympics are a country?
Olympics are going to get their own country.
That's going to be the new America Olympics.
It's going to be all Russians.
They're the country that did.
They had state.
Most of these states, it's a lot of it's state-sponsored.
And the anabolics were coming out of China, I think.
They're coming out all over the place.
You're crazy if you think Russia's the only one doing that.
Crazy.
You're crazy.
China did the same thing.
Brian Fogel pointed out that China did the exact same thing in Beijing.
They won all these fucking gold medals.
Like crazy they were winning gold medals.
And when there's a disproportionate amount of gold medals that are being won in
your home country,
you're going to go, okay, okay, skeptical hippophage.
Why am I a little concerned here that the financial gains of making that many
Olympic gold medals
are so fucking irresistible?
Dude, look what it did for Jamaica.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Jamaica doesn't have the fastest runners in the world.
Brandon.
They're not known for that.
Before that.
No.
It kind of burst onto the scene.
Now.
Now.
It's a national sport.
Now.
Right, but there's no denying that there's an extreme and rampant abuse of
performance. No, he's been caught!
No, they have been caught. Okay, one guy's been caught. They took the relay
gold medal away from the stand-balt. The guy they called the Beast? He might
have been. I think they're all called the Beast.
Well, when I was talking to Victor Conte, who is, by the way, as balls deep
into that world as possible. The ultimate snitch of snitches. The snitch. He
fuck Barry Bonds over. Snitches. First team all snitch.
The guy who was the head of Balco, who made that clear shit that was undetectable
for a little while until they figured out how to detect it, which is what they
always do. He said, all of tracking feels dirty. Of course. All of it.
Yeah. So if you get some dudes coming out of Jamaica or France or Spain or
whatever, and they just burst onto the scene, they start fucking running fast
than anybody else, they're doing some shit that no one knows about yet.
I know a woman who's going to compete for a country. How big's her dick?
And she had a, she had a dick on her and she had a dick. But the steroids didn't
help. But she was training to be a triathlete. And she was going, she was
American, but she was going to represent the country of her origin.
And I started training and she was a phenomenal athlete and everything else.
And her coach said, so now, of course, we got to talk about getting to the next
level.
Whoa.
And she goes, I'm a triathlete, which I want to say, we, we got to, we got to
start talking about messing with your endocrine system because you're not going
to, you're not going to get these times until we.
You can't even compete.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then when she saw that everybody, he's like, well, no, no, no, he's a
famous coach. He's like, no, no, no, no, this, this is just a reality.
Yeah.
She was like, God, that's so disappointing.
She didn't do it.
That's the Lance Armstrong story.
Yeah.
Like Lance Armstrong realized when he was young that everybody is doing drugs.
Yes.
All of them. And so he, who competed clean when he was young until he got to a
certain level and he's like, fuck, like, this is just how this goddamn thing
works.
It's just this weird sort of three card Monty game of hiding your dirty piss.
And he was better than everybody else.
He's not a bad guy.
State sponsored.
Yeah. It's just part of the game.
What, what do you think?
Like, so, so my feeling is, uh, like, so, so if weightlifters are going to move
world record weights, it's really exciting to see them do that.
And obviously powerlifters and stuff like that are, are not going to be lifting
as much with testosterone.
My question is, are we ever going to be beat like the inexorable advance of
technology?
Are we ever going to really be able to stop as we are able to gene dope and all
that stuff?
Like, where are we going with this?
And, and is, it's always going to be a cat and mouse.
Are we going to, yeah.
Are we going to police this?
No, everyone's always going to look for an edge.
But in powerlifting, yeah, I don't give a fuck what they do because powerlifting,
you know?
So when it comes to fighting, fighting is the number one.
Yeah.
Those are the two.
Number one.
Fuck yeah, football.
Yeah, for sure.
Football and fighting are the number one element of two.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Brain trauma.
Football's a combat sport.
It's just got rigid rules.
When you're running full clip at each other and literally like knocking each
other unconscious
because you're head-butting each other.
Yeah.
I mean, which is what a big part of football was until they stopped people
doing that.
Yeah.
It's a combat sport.
100%.
It just doesn't have kicks or punches.
But I mean, take downs.
But the juice is worth the squeeze in football.
It's worth the squeeze financially.
Same in a lot of the guys.
Financially, educationally, there's the fame.
How about baseball where your bat speed stays the same through your 30s?
I don't give a fuck.
Hit all the home runs you want.
You can throw farther.
Baseball is, it's a good argument for steroids.
It's because it's a boring fucking game, too.
And the only time it's fun was when someone hits that ball.
When was it fun?
When Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds and fucking Sammy Sosa.
Mark McGuire.
They're cracking him out of the park.
That's when it's fun.
Correct.
Not only that, you get to-
Juice him up!
You're playing 160 games and you break down through the season.
Oh, 100%.
It keeps you injury-free.
Simply too many games.
Sim