Name: Joe Rogan Experience - 2017 Year in Review
Uploaded: 2017-12-31T10:19:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience - 2017 Year in Review' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience - 2017 Year in Review' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-31. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience - 2017 Year in Review

I don't want to believe shit. If it doesn't hurt me, it shouldn't be such a big
deal.
I want to know right now, on this podcast, who is running this country?
There's a bunch of different factions that you call the government.
History, science, education, energy, everything has always been controlled by
the government since day one.
Oh, look at the time.
Illegal aliens in the workplace as recommended by the commission headed by
former congresswoman Barbara Jordan.
If you look into the experiments to prove that the earth is spinning, all of
them failed.
Look into it. You just haven't looked into it.
If you look into it and you have proof that it is around, instead of going, oh,
some scientist figured it out.
Somebody figured it out. Somebody figured it out.
But you figure it out. You try to figure it out.
No, because when they look into it, it's common sense.
And when you look into it...
Ladies and gentlemen, black helicopters have been spotted.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Holy shit. Shut up. Yeah. That was
the goal weight.
Man, I'm never going to do it. Get the tape measure for tomorrow.
Get the tape measure? What's the fucking tape measure?
Wow. Wow. What a cheap piece of shit.
Jesus. What a cheap piece of shit are you.
220. Fuck me. 220 for Bert.
For one pound? One pound less.
One fucking pound?
You fucking dick!
216!
Tom gets it running away, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to do the Puerto Rican beard.
I'm going to fucking shave it up anyway.
Oh, the prince! This is the prince!
Puerto Rican guy beard.
Yeah.
That's so racist.
Come on, Puerto Rican!
That is so racist.
It came up first.
It said Puerto Rican facial hair.
Oh, look at this guy!
Look at this guy!
That's what's up, dude.
You're getting that.
Doesn't sabotage things.
Maybe the new Bert with this new beard.
I'm already uncomfortable with this.
I don't know!
I'm not!
He's giving you a Hitler, son.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
This is so stupid!
What's wrong with us?
We're all adults.
What the fuck is wrong with us?
It looks so cool!
Oh, my God.
Bert, can I please see it?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
So, you're doing the prince.
Oh, my God.
Now.
Do you need another cop now?
There's so much hair in my mouth.
What are you doing to me?
I've got so much hair in my mouth.
You look really good, actually.
Really?
Yeah.
For real?
Yeah.
You're going to like this.
That's actually not bad.
And I'm not bullshitting.
You look good, dude.
Oh, my God.
This feels so fucking weird.
You know what?
And here's the thing, man.
Look at yourself.
Oh, my God.
I look like I work at Planet of the Apes.
I look like a fucking monkey.
No.
No, this does not look good.
You look like you definitely live in your hometown.
For sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you got a Pennzoil tattoo.
We can start another contest.
I'm totally comfortable with that.
It seems like Bert wants to start another contest.
I want to start another contest.
I want Ari to be involved, too, because I like Ari's belching.
What does that mean?
Well, there was stakes, man.
Like, you're supposed to...
No, you're 100% right.
You lose your beard.
Listen.
You had somebody welch on a bet.
I did not watch on a bet.
You know God damn why I did not watch on a bet.
You told me I was a welcher when I just asked for a measurement of height.
And when they got the measurement, he was clearly lying.
No apology.
No, oh, it took me out.
Oh, it was right to ask for this.
How many tweets did you get calling you a welcher?
A hundred!
A lot of them!
I know welch!
Boston.
It'll keep you alive.
I want to say, like, five hours.
You would have to really prepare.
No, you don't have time.
No, no time for that.
If he's willing...
I want to see what he's in shape right now.
So, wait.
You'd have to really prepare to do five hours.
I think you could do it.
I'm not saying you couldn't do it.
No, we're not giving you a year, idiot fuck.
You're going to do it.
When's the next marathon you can get in on?
What city are they going to be in that you're going to be in?
San Diego, L.A. included?
Idiot fuck!
Idiot fuck!
Because, like, say, next weekend, if I had a girlfriend, she might say,
it's Friday, what are we doing?
I'm like, oh, watching me write for four hours?
And so that's not the way to be.
You can't do that.
And so I can't be a good person's other half,
because the work has always attracted me more than coming home to someone.
Wow!
Like, I can't stand the idea of someone, of living with a person.
I can do it on the bus, because it's Das Boot,
and we're, like, you know, going down the road.
But I never would want to, like, wake up and she's there.
And I have no aversion.
That fucking expression that you just made,
where you, like, look to your right, she's there.
Well, it's every day, here we are together.
And I'm just not wired that way.
So he's the main figurehead, right?
He's the main guy, like, right up with Miscavige, right?
And then John Travolta is somewhere in that?
I think John was given a designation called Kakan.
Kakan't?
Kakan, not Kant.
Kakan.
Yeah.
Kakan, okay.
K-H-A-K-H-A-N, Kakan.
Okay.
Okay.
He's given this designation of Kakan,
which there's a policy that basically says
you can kill another human being.
If you are Kakan'd, you're going to look the other way.
And he was given that, he was given that by L. Ron Hubbard.
Don't make me laugh, because you're going to make me pee.
So imagine, thousands of emails come out
with them talking about, we'll have the kids ready,
6, 7, and 8, in the hot tub at this time, and they're, you know.
He didn't see anything like that.
Oh, it gets really crazy.
Where did it say that?
It was in the emails.
There's freaking thousands of them.
But it said, get the kids in the hot tub?
Yes.
I never saw that.
Can you see if you can find that, Jamie?
That seems like, I go, it's so confusing.
The libs, you confuse everything.
Nobody knows what bathroom to use.
And I go, I was at a nightclub the other night.
Here's the ladies room right here,
and the men's room was right next to you,
and there's a pile of shit in the middle
between the two doors
with a tampon stuck in and a fake mustache.
And it won't last long.
Hold up, immediate head rush, by the way.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
By the way, don't inhale it, just puff it.
Too late.
Well.
I'm a pot smoker, bro.
Well, you don't want to inhale that.
There's no filter on that.
What are you, pussy?
But often it's mind-blowing when you learn
that some infinities are bigger than others.
Joe Rogan just leaned two feet away from the microphone.
And the properties of each of those regions,
whether they're conducive to forming galaxies
and stars and planets and people,
may be different.
So we could say, logically, in that picture,
that the reason the universe looks like the way it does
is because we're here to measure it.
Oh, my God.
We should leave it at that.
Okay.
We should close with that.
That is the mind blower of mind blowers.
Good, good.
And you know, Iron Man has that blue thing in his chest?
Yeah.
I don't think women are evil.
I like Iron Man.
Women are like Iron Man.
They're magic, right?
But by ripping out that blue thing,
you're ripping out their ability to have children
and be mothers and everything.
And then you put in a piece of shit
into Iron Man's chest.
That's what feminists and like this woman are.
They're shit chests.
And they're malfunctioning robots.
And they're like,
kill him.
Milo wants genocide.
Kill him.
Fuck him up.
So do you think that they're imitating
what they think are patriarchal societies?
They're doing their version of it?
And that's what they're doing with this,
the whole matriarchal posturing?
Yeah, it's like Clark Kent.
I want to write an article.
I'm writing.
No, you're not writing it.
And you go, Clark, simmer down, dude.
I look at the things that I went through as a gift
because I have gotten the gift of feeling
retired during my career.
Who else gets that?
Some people retire for five years,
lose their freaking mind,
end up in the bar and come back
and try to fight again 10 years later.
With a weakened body.
A mess.
From abuse.
Why?
Why though?
Why are they doing that?
They're not doing it
because they're physically capable.
They're doing it
because they never dealt with their life
away from fighting.
Fighting was their life.
Fighting is who they are.
Fighting is their persona.
So take away fighting.
What are they?
They're in the bar
drinking away what they're not.
Instead of drinking,
putting the booze down
and knowing what you are
without fighting,
being happy with that chapter of your life
and being able to live who you are,
I've gotten to feel that.
And now I can fight
with a peace of mind
knowing how good I am
without fighting
and how great I am with it too.
And that's what this thing's about.
All these fights,
all these...
Me attacking those challenges,
coming back and winning
and getting my belt back,
that could only happen
because I let go of control
of the things I couldn't control.
Yeah, chatty would be the first, man.
I think about that kind of stuff.
Like if a plane crashed,
I already know I'm playing ahead.
Dude, I'd eat a Vietnamese guy.
Why?
Because that's easy.
It's a starter move.
If you attack somebody bigger,
if you eat somebody bigger
in front of other people,
it's going to alarm people.
But you...
You got to eat a small person
so stature is important.
I think if you gum down a Viet,
people aren't going to be
that upset at you.
Well, the Vietnamese people
are going to be super upset.
What are you talking about?
Somebody's dad.
Yeah, they're more...
understanding of things, dude.
Is this a character you're playing?
No.
But if you eat a black...
Dude, you eat a black lady
and her family's there,
they're going to be pissed.
So you think a Vietnamese person
will let you slide?
I think that they'd be
much more forgiving
over a couple of day period.
I think...
Like their relatives.
You don't think so?
Honestly.
Well, one thing...
No, I don't think so.
I definitely think
they'd be super pissed at you,
especially modernized ones.
But what is interesting
is like Vietnam
is one of the few places
where Americans
can go back to Vietnam
and they don't seem
to hold any grudge at all.
Exhibit A.
Exhibit A, man, honestly.
Do you realize
87% Gallup poll
came out last year
and said 87%
of the people on the planet
are unhappy
with what their life
is all about?
Unhappy.
And 10% in addition to that,
87% to 97% hate what they do.
So that leaves 3% of the planet
enjoy what they do.
You're one of 3%.
Fuck, I'm one of the
100 millionth of a percent.
I'm so happy,
I don't know whether
to shit or go blind.
Yeah, so...
I end up going to the restroom
and looking,
there's shit caked all over.
Everywhere.
And I'm like,
how did I shit myself?
And I was like,
it must have been
in between rounds.
This is disgusting.
There's no trash can.
It's like silk and gold
in this beautiful palace
and stuff.
So I just take my panties off
and just roll them up
and shove them
behind the toilet.
I know.
Seriously.
Black lace thong.
Vladimir Putin.
That was mine.
I want it back.
No, I don't want it back.
It's gross.
And it was, you know,
in 2000.
It was 10 years ago.
That's crap.
Wow.
Yeah, so,
and then I just go back out there
and it's like Berlusconi
was like hitting on me
and like trying to pick me up
and he was like,
hey, can I be your boyfriend tonight?
And I'm just like, what?
But he's saying it
through a translator,
so it was so...
And I'm like,
I smell like shit.
Like I was as cleaned up
as I could be.
I was like,
you are a dirty motherfucker.
There was a war on drugs.
We started a war on drugs.
Turns out we're bringing it in.
Then there's a war on terrorism.
Turns out we created Al-Qaeda.
You understand why I'm crazy?
I'm crazy because of that shit.
I'm like,
if that's real to you, man, shit.
You don't think it's real?
With fish-eyed lens.
You guys are fooled
by the fish-eyed lens?
Come on, man.
Is that...
What the fuck is going on?
I don't know.
I don't know.
What, do you think
there's a conspiracy
in the consp