Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2018-06-25T23:47:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-25. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir

Are you sure fear speed wrapping in five four three two one go
Yeah, it's that we were talking about how impressive Mac lethal is but then are
he goes
Yeah, but you got to read the words otherwise you have no idea. Yeah, so I'm
gonna be making everything up
So in that sense he's gone too far. He's like triple F tits. You can't sing
along with that. No triple F tits
Yeah, it went crazy. We're like I like big boobs. Like do you like this much
big boobs?
All right, those girls who crush beer cans with their fake boobs
Yeah, I've seen those
It's like the most unsexy thing ever it's like this hypersexuality gets morphed
into this weird distortion
It's a sexual version of when your dad catches smoking. He's like that's what
the whole pack if you like cigarettes so much
Look at this one. What is this gal? She's got a tits and she's smells like I
got your cans. Oh
Could you imagine? Of course their foster is fucking bogan. Of course
Australia
She's straight from Tassie. Look at those fucking hey, look at Steve. Oh, it's
not us Harvey show
They just went with Foster's. Hysteric cuz she's got to be Australia. That's
what it was Foster's that kind of behavior
Maybe they just wanted a big can big can smash big cans. Yeah
Oh, yeah, maybe
Foster's those are giant cans. Yeah, they are maybe Budweiser didn't want any
part of it
So they couldn't get a bud tall boy. By the way, you know nobody in Australia
drinks Foster's. No, they don't right
I don't even have available most bars
Really? Yeah, it's not even like Bud Light where nobody really drinks it. But
like sneaky. It's just marketing everything's marketing
What is a beer like our beer is
Pabst Blue Ribbon is kind of fun. Uh-huh cuz it's so white trash. Yeah, pull
out a can of Pabst
Like I'll drink a can of Pabst at the store sometimes like at the store. Yeah,
yeah
What do you mean like at the supermarket? No, kind of like the company store
Garbage white trash
I go in with flip-flops on boxer shorts fuck it wife beater drinking a gigantic
Pabst Blue Ribbon
That's normal Australian life though dude. That's a quarter of the men would do
that kind of shit like while I'm shopping for other snacks
Yeah, I love it over there. I really do. They're great people there
If you were gonna ask their beer like that is VB VB. Yeah, if there was another
country that I would live in besides America or besides the United States
It would be Canada and if there's another country I live in besides Canada
It would be Australia for sure and Canada because it's right hand is too cold
not Vancouver
Vancouver is too cold as well. Yeah, you could handle it son. I could handle it.
You're a traveling man. Yeah
I skipped the fucking winter so I could go traveling. Oh, you're oh, you're
saying yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right
Because if you're just out there in the rainy season, which is like nine months
Three months are amazing
I was doing the math on New York the other day of like saying how many actual
months of nice it is and it's really a six and six
Yeah, not even nine and three. No, it's not six and six. Yeah, fuck
Yeah, it's there's there's some rugged days in those nice months - you know,
those like those six
Yeah, like the if you go like it's really probably nine, but there's three
months. They're super sketchy
Super sketchy it snow in April. We got snow in April this year. Yeah. Yeah,
that's annoying
I was in Australia and I was there were like it's snowing in New York. That's a
print song by the way
Snow in April. It's not sometimes it snows in April. Is that about one of his
more sensitive ones? No. Oh, it's not about sadness
I used to listen to it when I was delivering newspapers
He was great, you know, Mark Norman had a theory is proven wrong
I guess that a prince when he died he died of the last of the 80s AIDS
Yeah, he said he's been fighting at heart because of the money
He died from fentanyl man, they all died from that fentanyl shit that stuff
kills everybody they're testing drugs now at music festivals
They should you're that and they did it in Australia when I was there
They do it in UK in some places where you just come in they chip off the
smallest amount and they text you
If it's okay, your stuff is safe or not
And then it's way safer to do it than just fucking pass it around god damn it.
They need deregulation
They just do they just need deregulation. You're not saving anybody by making
drugs illegal. You're just making it difficult to get good drugs
That's all you're doing. You're not stopping people from doing drugs
And in fact when they legalize things often teen use goes down because it doesn't
become so attractive anymore
People are stupid. All right. We're wired fucked up and you tell us we can't do
something. That's the thing we want to do
That's just how it is. I will say to be fair. I will say
Legalization of drugs would make more people do it. I would have to think it
would
Psychologically they say no when they've done studies. There's nobody though.
There's some people that wouldn't normally do it
But like well, there's a store right there. All right, I'll get some
I don't know about that man. I think it normalizes after a while
I think it starts off like that in the beginning
But I think what that is is the residual effect of making it pro prohibited
The residual effect but then once it becomes legal like alcohol if you're 21
You don't walk by CVS and go I could just go buy it why don't I just go get
some whiskey dude
I mean, but people way more people drink than do drugs, right?
But they don't do it because it's like a new thing
It's so easy to get that it's just there
I'm saying you gotta think some people that would never would have done it
I have conservative friends from high school that never would do it
But if it was on the same level as alcohol in 20 years, they'd be like, you
know, I guess my friends are doing it
I don't know if it's worse. I really don't not worse. I won't say it's worse
I'm just saying there's some people who would but I think overall you end up
getting a lot less people like total numbers to do it
Well, I think things would normalize I really do I think we have a real there's
a there's a responsibility
That I think society has to this fucked up
Prohibition that we know is ridiculous. We have too much information now
We know too much about people to make things prohibited when you make other
things that are just as dangerous legal, right?
So it's all fucking farce. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense when alcohol is
legal and marijuana isn't or alcohol legally mushrooms
Aren't you're talking nonsense people drink themselves to death every day their
liver effects every day
Not just liver effects alcohol poisoning thousands of people every year die
from alcohol poisoning
Dude, you can't do mushrooms that much. You can't die from it. You can't but it'll
just stop working on you won't do anything exactly
You have to keep doubling the dosage. Yeah by the end of the week. You'll be
doing like a pound of mushrooms and that's fine
Yeah, exactly. I would do that your shits will be crazy
Well, Dennis McKenna who I had on last week his brother Terrence had that
theory about human evolution and it's a very compelling theory and
The mushrooms make human evolution they might have caused it but might have
been one of several factors
There's several factors
One of them was climate change like the monkeys had to move down from the trees
because there was no food left and the grasslands had taken over where the
Rainforest had been just because of climate change, but that was the same
period where all these undulates lived
So all these cow-like creatures shit all over the place the mushrooms grew out
these monkeys that were experimental the human monkey started eating these
things
And then started developing language skills more sophisticated hunting better
visual because the visual perception especially in low doses
It actually increases acuity been proven in scientific double-blind placebo-controlled
studies. Yeah. Yeah. It increases your vision
Increases your ability to recognize when things are shifting like say if you
have two lines and one of them slightly shifts
Like maybe a half of 1% angle the people that were on mushrooms could see it
You ever see a clock and be able to see the minute hand move like get zoned in
where you can like slowly sort of see it move
I've done it a couple times, but it's when I was little whoa, but yeah, that's
what that kind of acuity
Yeah, where you can like my vision sucks now dude when I look at a clock
I look at like vague numbers like that that clock right now
Like I look at that that little one right there. Yeah, I look at those are
vague numbers. You can't see those. I can see them. I know that's 12
That's so close that's yeah, but now look at this bam now. I could see all the
dots
I could see everything get the surgery. No, it's not that it's it's it's close
It's it's nearsightedness. It's what happens when you get older. It's just macular
degeneration. This is too near for you
No, no
Things that are near don't look as good. That's that's like a good medium
distance, but farther things look exactly the same
Yeah, it's a slow degeneration of your eyesight due to age my friend is not
remember my friend Steve Graham. Mm-hmm. He's an ophthalmologist
He's like there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Dr. Steve with it
with the skier. Yeah. Yeah
I didn't know that from the US ski team. He told me some great advice
I will share with everyone we were talking about on my podcast we were talking
with him about um
The hours they put in and I was like if you're putting in 10 hours
You can't be as good at 4:30 as you are because oh, there's you should never
make a doctor appointment in the afternoon
They're tired. They're not giving you the best work
Yeah, he's like always make a morning appointment when they actually like just
had their coffee like alright, let's start dude
I had this guy dr. Matthew Walker on a couple weeks ago. He's a sleep
specialist
He was talking about how important sleep is and one thing in common with a lot
of people that suffer from
Alzheimer's is they were getting like three four hours sleep at night. They
were those get up and go type people
Yeah, and their brains wind up short now
He's saying that really sleep is unbelievably important. It's one of those
podcasts you listen to it and it literally would change your behavior patterns
I don't know if it would change my behavior
Sleep so fucking much it might I just stay in bed for like five hours sometimes
after I wake up. I'm like, what's the point?
You live in the life of fear in a lot of ways
If it's cold out, I've told everybody man at all my friends that you know quote-unquote
made it
It became successful. You went the full whole hog
You're like the one who never got caught in any of the trappings you got snipped
you've said fuck it
I want to live in New York. You said fuck it
I want to disappear in Asia for three months
They tell you to do something with your TV show and you're like fuck you. It's
over
I mean you're really doing what everybody wants to do
I have one fuck you moment ever like that really is when I had a book deal and
I gave them the money back
I didn't like they were trying like I don't want to fuck with it too much. I
was like this is annoying
Does it feel good to do that felt great
Yeah, you're excellent at it. I feel more free than anyone around I look around
on this matrix level of like
Why don't you guys have more freedom for yourselves? Yeah, you've got the most
freedom out of all my friends
We were talking about with Burton Renazisi
They were like we were talking about what we envy of each other's lives
You know their family life was my whatever life and they were like Burt was a
what do you think I envy about you Ari?
I'm like, huh, that's like it's my freedom and he was like I have just much
freedom as you and I was like
Just started laughing. I was like, what are you talkin