Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1144 - Doug Stanhope
Uploaded: 2018-07-16T22:04:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1144 - Doug Stanhope' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1144 - Doug Stanhope' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-16. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1144 - Doug Stanhope

Boom, we're live. Here we go.
Douglas Danhope smoking cigarettes.
I was, I swore that, uh, you know what, I'm gonna smoke outside this time.
Last time I stunk this place up so badly.
It wasn't bad at all.
No, afterwards, because you kept saying, no, I got this whole system now.
It's not like the old place.
Well, it's definitely dissipating. It's definitely dissipating.
I see the smoke getting sucked away.
But I remember at the end last time, yeah, that didn't work as good as I
thought it was going.
You really reeked this place up, which I did.
Well, it's not perfect. You know, you're always getting cigarettes, you know?
Douglas, where do you get that jacket?
Sugar-free fucking creamer.
Is that sugar-free?
Yeah, sugar-free.
That can't be good for you.
Well, now I'm gonna put a splash of whiskey in it just to hopefully kill the aspartame
taste.
Kill the effects?
Fuck it.
By the way, I said, I occasionally say this on stage even when there's no joke,
but when I'm just angry about it, stevia is an artificial sweetener.
And it's a big scam where there's no artificial sweeteners
because you hate getting that fucking aspartame taste.
Right.
But then they have stevia in it because it's natural and it still tastes like
shit.
So you're thinking, oh, good.
It's no artificial sweeteners.
That means it's not, oh, it still tastes like shit, but it's natural shit.
Have you ever had Zevia soda?
No, but I'm assuming it's stevia.
Yeah, but they nailed it.
They figured it out.
They really did.
It's good.
Yeah.
It's not Dr. Pepper.
I'm skeptical.
You should be.
You've been burned before.
It's not Coca-Cola, but because it tastes lighter.
I like it a lot, though.
It's good.
I don't think we have any here, do we?
No, we're out.
We're out.
We should get some.
But that's one of the stevia ones that's good.
There's different stevia, too.
Like this stuff stevia right here.
Well, I just generally don't drink things that have sugar or need sugar.
Un-sweetened iced tea is fantastic.
Or if it's just juice.
Like with vodka.
I use vodka soda with just a tiny splash of either grapefruit or...
So there's almost no sugar in it anyway.
I don't drink fucking Coca-Cola.
I'll put a splash in a whiskey, but tiny.
Where if I get fucking hammered on whiskey, I probably drank four ounces of
Coke.
So it's health benefits.
I just avoid just...
Avoid sugar.
Yeah.
It fucks up your whiskey.
How's things in Bisbee?
Are you the mayor yet?
No.
You could run.
We're trying to find someone to run.
That would be the worst.
It would be like doing a cruise ship comedy where, you know, the worst thing
about a cruise
ship would be if you sucked and then you have to be in the buffet line with
everyone who
saw you suck and the whole week you're around people who saw you suck.
That would be the mayor of Bisbee where half the town hates you because you're
not supporting
whatever stupid fucking...
And you have to see them at Safeway.
Does your town have a split?
Is there like a conservative side of your town and a liberal side of your town?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what makes it work.
Oh.
But it's not usually your usual dynamic of conservative and liberal.
It's not we hate queers.
Right.
It's, you know, oh, the plastic bag ban.
Well, you can't tell us we can't have plastic bags, but they're bad for the
environment.
Well, I don't care because I'm used to getting a plastic bag.
Yeah, they split over just minutiae and silly shit that bothers you in a small
town and it's
hilarious.
How many people in your town?
5,000.
Jesus Christ, that's so little.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
Yeah, it's really good.
Do they leave you alone or do people still bother you?
Do people show up at your house all the time?
Oh, yeah, but not people that live there.
Oh, just people from out of town.
I mean, I have my friends that come by.
I know who you are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's weird, too, right?
They just, they know they can go to Bisbee and they can meet Doug Stambo.
Like, this is the move.
Yeah, there's no more of that, like, an open door of football.
We don't even do football parties anymore.
You gave it up?
Yeah.
Is that too weird?
Too many people, just even locals.
I just end up hosting the whole time and never watching football.
Yeah, that's the problem, right?
And fucking clean up.
You know, you have 15 people over and no one's throwing away their fucking beer
cans and shit.
So, yeah, there's a lot of dishes.
Or they'd, you know, worse, they'd bring food.
Everyone would bring food after a while.
But then they'd leave the pan.
So, you have to scrub a fucking casserole pan and then try to remember who
brought it so you can get it back.
Oh, that's small town living.
Is that cave still for sale?
Yes, it is.
You still interested?
Yeah, if everything goes wrong, that's where I'm going.
God, I found another house that's even better.
Really?
Because it's right at the end of the runway of the Bisbee Municipal Airport.
So, if you had your own little four-seater Cessna, fucking Bill Burr in his
helicopter.
It had four airplane hangar parking spaces.
So, you could fly in, park right in the house.
And it was like 2,900 square feet.
They were asking like 400 for it.
And indoors, it had its own giant airplane hangar that goes right up to a bar
where you could make a stage in there.
Is this it right here?
Bingo's.
That's the one.
So, it's right at the airport?
Yeah.
What if you hear other people in the middle of the night smuggling on drugs?
Go back to that picture.
Dude, that's a fucking nice house.
That is the runway.
Oh, wait.
No, that's the highway.
The runway is to the...
Go to the next picture, Jamie?
Look at this fucking house is nice.
Look at this place.
Bingo's dad, they flip houses, his parents.
So, they came down and they went through it.
It's fucking gorgeous.
This is only 400 grand?
You could get it for less.
Wow.
It's been $4.99.
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Dad was saying you could probably get it for $3.75.
The only problem is it's county and not city.
Uh-oh.
So, it's got like septic and shit.
I'm the worst homeowner ever.
I can't do anything.
And you start putting that septic on me.
I had a septic in one of my old houses.
And the pump broke.
And then first the toilet bowl started back up.
And then the tub started filling up with piss and shit.
Fun times.
It's like all of a sudden we're in the bathroom downstairs and the tub starts
filling up.
I'm like, what in the fuck is going on?
And what it was was-
Was this Colorado?
No.
When I was in the hills, I had a house and the septic tank was slightly above
the house.
So, you had a pump to get to the septic tank.
So, you'd pump the waste into the tank.
It's not a good idea.
Ideally, they always want the tank to be below.
So, it's like a natural flow.
So, the pump broke.
So, the tank started backing up into the house.
Fun times.
That's the things that I went- I couldn't do it.
If I did, if I had the money, I would just buy that as, all right, this is our
studio.
We don't live there.
Right, right, right.
Guests can stay here.
We'll make this into a place like this.
That's a great idea.
It would be.
Get a fucking airplane, Douglas.
Can you fly?
No, but I have-
You should learn.
But I know a pilot.
Ooh, better.
Better than flying.
Oh, he actually has a real gig now.
He would come down.
He was a fan.
And he would fly into Bisbee from Tucson just to get his hours.
Because, you know, when he was-
Oh, wow.
To get his, you know, commercial license.
And he came to not a Super Bowl party.
The last special I taped.
He came down, flew down with a bunch of his friends.
We taped it in Bisbee, my last special.
And so the next morning, he flew back over the house.
And he had put Stan and Hope under each wing.
And he buzzed our house.
It was very cool.
That's awesome.
But now he's a commercial guy for SkyWest, the Delta partner.
And he actually picked me up at the airport when I flew back from Hawaii.
So he was learning how to fly?
Yeah.
And now all of a sudden he's a professional?
Yeah.
And that's how you, you know, he had to build up hours.
So he'd take these, you know-
How many hours do you get before you get to fly a jumbo jet across the ocean?
I didn't ask him a lot of questions other than, hey, can you fly me to L.A.
like if I needed to?
You want to talk about underappreciated people.
The people that know how to pilot the planes.
1,500 hours?
That's it?
And they make dick for money.
I know.
You ever read those stories where, like, in New York, where they have these,
like, single
rooms with, like, eight bunk beds?
It's all pilots living in there?
Yeah.
When they have to lay over because they can't afford.
What is this, Jamie?
1,500 for main and 250.
1,500 for hours?
Only 250 for a commercial.
So that's, I think that's non-transporting people, maybe.
250 hours of flight time.
That doesn't seem like a lot.
Yeah.
Remember how bad you drived when you were 20?
How bad did you drive when you were 20?
Uh, pretty good.
It's terrible.
I remember driving piece of shit cars with no worries.
Like, now just to go to the store, I'd go, we're not going to make it.
I'm not going to make it in this car.
I bought, I used to buy a lot of shitty cars to deliver newspapers in.
So I'd buy a car for, like, 300 bucks and just beat it into the ground and get
rid of it.
I would do that when I lived on the road and doing, like, triple gigs where,
I'd have to drive 11 hours from, you know, Arizona to, you know, southern
Wyoming.
And hope the car makes it.
And you can see the ground through the passenger side.
Floor is rusted out.
You can actually see pavement.
And you drive those cars, you know, forever until they died and then hitchhike
to the next town
and hope you know a comic there that can get you to the city for the gig.
Could you have ever imagined when you were 21 or however old you were when you
first started doing the road,
that one day you would look back on those horrible nights with, like, nostalgia?
I knew it then.
I knew it was nostalgic then.
I didn't.
I was shamed.
I didn't, I didn't, uh, I didn't think it was, I just was like, I'm a loser.
Yeah, I wasn't enjoying it at all.
I think there's probably a big difference between doing it on the East Coast
and Boston
and, like, congestion rather than the great wide open of Montana and Idaho.
That's, uh, probably, the shows are probably bleaker, though.
Like, we had shows, like, you would do a lot of road gigs, but they were good
gigs.
Like, they weren't, like, the boom of the late 80s, I started in 88, and I
started doing, uh, gigs on the road,
like, hell gigs on the road in probably, like, 89.
And, um, there was a lot of gigs back then that were really good.
You would go somewhere, there'd be 300 people, it'd be a great crowd, you know,
150 people in a bar,
everybody's there, they love comedy night.
Like, some of them were really good.
But it's just the, the never knowing if you're gonna make enough money to pay
the bills
and the stress of being poor.
Yeah, I didn't have a lot of bills living out of my car.
Well, that's a way to do it.
A lot of downtime and a lot of, uh, you know, uh, questionable choices in
ladies
just because you needed a place to stay for four days before El Paso.
Dangerous gigolo days.
The gigolo days of Doug Stanhope.
Yeah.
You try, the travel on the road thing is so, such a, you get a view of the
country that,
if you really stop and think about it, like, how many different places you've
been
and your, your understanding of America.
Like, you've been everywhere.
You've been all the, all the different spots.
Get a chance.
Okay, this is how they rock it over here.
All right, this is how they do it in Detroit.
This is how they are in New Orleans is different.
Oh, Connecticut's a little different.
And then you put it all together and you get America.
But if you're just like a dude who just like parks it in Columbus, Ohio,
and fucking that's that.
And all you know is CNN and TMZ.
Fuck.
You go, this is what the, this is what the country's coming to.
Fuckin' libs.
These fuckin' libs with thei