Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1182 - Nick Kroll
Uploaded: 2018-10-09T23:35:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1182 - Nick Kroll' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1182 - Nick Kroll' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-09. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1182 - Nick Kroll

Five, four, three, two...
Hello, Nick.
Hi, Joe. How you doing?
Sorry for the delay.
We had a failure, ladies and gentlemen.
A catastrophic failure of Windows updating.
It's sort of updated and hung on the TriCaster, but we're back.
And it seems to be fine. Everything's working.
Allegedly. Allegedly. We'll see.
There's that fear when you're like, fuck, I'm turning off the update.
I'm going to start again.
Yeah.
You lose everything.
That is the one annoying thing.
We were talking about this before the podcast.
I've been using Windows to write on, and I like the ThinkPad.
I really like it.
I love the keyboard.
It's great to write on, but Windows updates like two or three times a day
sometimes.
Not just Windows, but like Lenovo will update,
and there's some sort of firmware update, and a BIOS update.
Adobe Acrobat's checking in.
Yeah.
Wanted to know if we can...
Bitdefender updates.
Yeah. I haven't used the ThinkPad.
They still have that little clit right in the middle?
Still got that little clit.
I don't use it, but it's there.
I guess it's for people that have been using it forever.
Right.
It's very accurate if you do use it.
Right.
It's like one of those things where you're just sort of used to muscle memory.
You're used to doing it, and then they touch the other buttons with their thumb.
Right.
They can still do shit, and it has the mouse at the keypad.
It has both.
It's so weird how quickly you become accustomed to some new version of things.
Like, I've been using my iPad, and then I've gone back to my computer, and I
have, like, a little MacBook, and I find even that weird.
Like, I find myself just wanting to touch the screen.
Yeah.
And I have my muscle memory is immediately shot.
That's one thing that's very odd about Mac computers.
They still haven't embraced the touchscreen laptop, whereas the ThinkPad
actually has a touchscreen.
Oh, you can straight up use the screen on it.
Yeah.
It's an option.
Right.
I have one that has a touchscreen and one that does not.
But that's a lot of Windows computers have touchscreens, and they even have it
so you can turn it into a tablet.
You flip it over, and I think they call it the yoga, the ThinkPad yoga.
Right.
And then Microsoft has one, the Surface or something like that.
Yeah.
Apple's like, no, we want to sell you two different things.
That's exactly what it is.
Yeah.
We're not combining that.
They're dirty people.
Yeah.
They really are.
That fucking battery thing really pissed me off.
Did it come out?
Did it finally get officially...
Oh, yeah.
They admitted it.
Oh, yeah.
They said they admitted it, and they said they did it because the old phones,
they were trying
to preserve the battery.
The fuck you were.
You were trying to piss people off, so they got a new phone.
Yeah.
We all know exactly what they were doing.
It works on me.
It works on me every, like, year and a half, where I'm like, why isn't my phone
fucking dying every
10 minutes?
And I'm like, I gotta get a new phone.
Dirty people.
Yeah.
They're dirty people.
I got the new one.
I got the newest of the Mac, the whatever, the iPhone XS Max.
Yeah.
It's too big.
I fucked up.
Is it too big?
Yeah, I fucked up.
I've never gone to the bigger one.
I've always gotten this size one.
I had the X.
It was perfect.
I was happy.
Yeah.
But I got greedy.
I want to go back.
They have some of those now, the smaller, like the four or the five, that
little size
one.
The tiny one was a little.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Someone had one the other day and I had it in my hand.
I was like, ooh, this is nice.
Yeah.
You could text with one hand.
Yeah, exactly.
And I think they now make that one with a higher power.
Yeah.
It's like, it's that size, but it's like, I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't fucking know.
And it fits like in your hand.
It's square and the edges are hard.
Yeah.
It fits in there perfect.
Yeah.
It's not like a slip.
This one feels like it's going to slip out and you can't quite get around it
the whole
time.
Yeah.
The four one, that one, it also has a headphone jack.
It's like the last, the Mohicans.
Yeah.
They got rid of all of it.
Although now, yeah, I guess it's still now the, there's the converter.
I don't know.
The dongle.
Is that what it is?
Yeah.
They fucking, they got me though.
I'm in.
I'm in.
I haven't used a non-Apple product in a long time.
Well, I got to think that, like I was said, and I, like I said, and I also got
the Samsung
Galaxy Note 9, the new one, and it's very good, but the fucking iPhone's better.
Damn it.
I wish it wasn't.
Yeah.
I wish it wasn't.
Yeah, man.
They figured it out.
They figured some shit out.
Or, and it's also just like, it's, they figured out the lifestyle of something
where you're
like, I'm, I'll take this branding.
I'm a creative.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Remember those think different ads, the fuckers?
Fucking worked, man.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, because I remember used to getting like that Apple, the MacBook
Pro and be like,
I'm going to edit.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm going to get this Apple.
I'm going to fucking, I'm going to start editing my own shit.
Well, I remember hearing that Louis was editing his show with a 13 inch MacBook.
He edited his whole show.
Yeah.
And he liked doing it on the little MacBook for some strange reason.
On a plane or doing whatever.
I get it.
I never edit anything.
I can never fucking bring myself to do it.
Do you ever do it?
Nope.
Nope.
Does your brain work that way?
Are you good like with a manual and shit?
I feel like your brain works that way a little bit.
No?
I mean, I could, but I just don't have any desire.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like your brain has, at some point decided like my, I have a certain
amount of capacity
in my brain and I don't want to use any of that for anything that I don't, I'm
not interested
in.
That's a good point.
Yeah.
And sometimes some people like that stuff.
It's just like, it's, I've never been drawn to anything like that and I'm just
not
interested.
Like as soon as I could have someone else like do my taxes, I was like, yep, I
don't want
to think about that.
Yeah.
I don't want to do it.
It's all about bandwidth, right?
Yeah.
Like what, what are you spending your thinking on?
You could do all those other things, but how much would that be annoying?
Yeah.
And how much would it fuck up the things that you like to do?
Yeah.
And some people love that stuff.
Like I have a buddy, I have a buddy who's a successful actor who still does his
own taxes,
pays his, writes out his own residual checks.
He, he fucking, he likes it.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, all right, good for you.
Like enjoy, if that's, if that's joyful, if that brings you joy.
Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about getting ripped off.
That's, I think that's part of it.
Chuck Palahniuk was here and his agent stole all of his money.
No.
Yeah.
Millions.
Really?
Yeah, he's broke.
It's crazy.
And what happened to the, is he going after the fucking agent?
The guy's going to jail.
Yeah.
Fuck.
The guy stole millions.
Stole millions from him and a bunch of other people and they don't know where
the money
is.
He's hoping he can get some of it back.
They might be able to find some of it.
But the agent stole from several different clients.
Whoa.
He's just some madman.
And Chuck writes, like, Chuck writes books about like, watch out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He writes books about creepy people doing creepy shit.
Yeah.
Someone did it to him.
Fuck.
Yeah.
Dane's brother-in-law.
His brother.
Stole his money, right?
Yeah.
I think it's his half brother.
His half brother.
Yeah.
Stole like $7 million and wouldn't tell anybody where it is.
Still.
Fuck you.
I'm going to jail.
Yeah.
And I think, I think he might be out.
I think he might be out of jail.
Is he looking for new clients?
Find out if that's the case.
Is he looking for new clients?
Yeah.
I think, uh, I think he like put it in coffee cans and shit and drove across
the country and
buried it in holes.
Yeah.
I mean, if you have a, they would be able to find it.
If they got ahold of your GPS unit, but if you got like a Garmin GPS unit that
people
use when they go hiking, you can, you know, mark where your camp is, but you
could, you
could do some like geotagging shit.
You could totally do that.
You could go to the fucking woods and go to a tree and dig a hole next to that
tree, deep
into the ground, drop a coffee can with a million dollars in it.
Geotag, put a little tag on it and come back to it.
I don't know why I keep going to coffee can.
I don't know.
Well, there's something about, yeah, there's something about a coffee can that's
very pleasing
in the idea of like rolls of money and like a, yeah.
In like a chock full of nuts or whatever that coffee is, like a Folgers
crystals.
Yeah.
It was probably garbage bags.
You know, Fargo was just on the other day and it's like Buscemi hiding that
money and
then he like, he's, it's like he, he, he takes a, like he's got his window scraper
and he's
in the, you know, far, it's just like desolate snow for miles.
And he just like stick, he sticks the, like the window scraper into the snow to
mark where
he's hidden the money.
And it's like, oh, this guy's fucked.
He's never getting that money.
He's just like, there's no horizon line.
It's just snow and fucking sky.
Screwed.
Did you ever watch the new version of it with Billy Bob Thornton?
Is it good?
I heard it's great.
Season one's good.
Season two is, I think for my money, like the best television, like season two
of that
show is unbelievable.
And season three is very good.
But season two is un-fucking-believable.
It's like in the seventies.
Who's in it?
Kirsten Dunst in it, but like Jesse Plemons, Kirsten Dunst, who's the fucking,
I don't
even remember, but it's great.
It's great.
I liked that.
I liked all three seasons of that show, but season two to me is like
unstoppable.
Are they still making it or are they done?
They might go make some more in a few, in a year or two.
I think they might, they were talking about making one.
I think Chris Rock might be attached to do.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
I saw something like that.
I saw something like that.
But I don't know, I don't know what the deal is with it, but, and season three
is great,
but season two is fucking.
Dane Cook's half-brother and sister-in-law must repay 12 million.
Is this new?
That's just from 2010 when it happened.
He got, he got six years in jail and 16 years probation.
So he'd be out by now.
Wow.
So he's out.
Whoa.
Six years in the pokey in 2010.
Yeah.
He's out.
I think he just got out, dude.
Cause I remember seeing something about $12 million he stole from him.
Fuck.
Must repay.
Okay.
I don't have it.
Yeah.
What do you do?
How does that work?
Keep him in jail.
I mean, the guy just stayed in jail.
Like he could have, I might be getting this wrong, but I do remember some of
the story
was they, they were offering leniency.
If he gave some of the money back, he's like, nah, I'm not going to give it
back.
A case like that.
That's how much sold it's gold.
What's that?
Some guy that found a bunch of gold.
He's in jail.
Cause he won't tell him where it is.
And he owes people like, I don't, arguably hundreds of millions of dollars or
something
like that because of how much it's worth.
He found the gold.
He like, he found the gold.
And then he got investors to give him the money to like help him go, to go
retrieve it.
Oh.
And once he got it, he's like, ah, I don't know where it is.
Oh, was it like a shipwreck deal?
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a lot of money in shipwrecks.
I was watching a documentary on these billionaires or rich folks rather who
finance these guys
to go hunting for treasure and then there's, they know where some Roman ships
have sunk.
And so they go looking for these Spanish galleons and Roman ships filled with
gold coins that
are worth hundreds of millions of dollars.
And you know, it's like this crazy gamble because the ocean's fucking gigantic.
Yeah.
And also like, I guess gold, does gold maintain its, it's like substance after
it really does.
