Name: JRE MMA Show #46 with Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2018-10-22T04:41:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'JRE MMA Show #46 with Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-22. Transcript available. Joe is joined by comedian Ari Shaffir to discuss some MMA/UFC history.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'JRE MMA Show #46 with Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-22. Transcript available. Joe is joined by comedian Ari Shaffir to discuss some MMA/UFC history.

JRE MMA Show #46 with Ari Shaffir

Bobby Kelly got us.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Can you talk about that on there or no?
Yeah.
Yeah?
What were you going to say?
He got us these knives made.
We went bushwhacking.
Oh.
And this one guy was like, I want to make you guys knives.
So he made me, Joe Liston, Robert Kelly, like custom knives.
Bushwhacking knives, huh?
Yeah.
Like machete type knives?
Yeah, to chop up some wood.
Oh.
What were you guys doing?
Camping, hiking, and then hiking like four hours to a campsite.
Bobby Kelly loves fly fishing, right?
Isn't he a big fly fisher?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe.
He likes doing shit that his body shouldn't allow him to do.
It's crazy.
You know, I knew him when he was skinny.
That's nuts.
I see that picture of him, that headshot, the comedy seller.
I'm like, that's that guy?
Dude, he was like my size.
He was like a normal size person.
It's nuts to me.
It is nuts.
Yeah.
When I met him, we were working together.
Yeah.
And he lived in a home with special needs kids.
And he would like take care of him.
Oh, oh, oh.
He was like a counselor or some sort of a teacher or something like that with
special needs kids.
And he was totally normal size.
Wow.
Like you would see him like, let me compare him to somebody.
He's a fat fuck now.
I haven't seen him in a long time.
I mean, let me just trash him for a minute about his being overweight.
I'm sad because I really like that guy.
He's a sweetheart.
Yeah.
Well, enjoy him while you can.
He has a kid too, right?
Yeah, he has a kid.
Great kid.
Well, why is he allowing himself to eat himself to death?
Okay.
Well, I think a little bit.
In the addict's mind, you don't really have it.
You're not really an addict.
It's like the replacement thing is real.
You gotta replace one with the other.
What was his addict before?
I think Coke and booze.
Yeah, that's a thing, man.
That's a real thing.
And so now it's food.
Every time he tries to get in shape, he does a month.
And then it just falls off for a day and then just keeps falling off.
He's fatter than ever now.
Yeah, I saw a photo from that cruise that Bert went on with him.
And I was like, oh, God.
Yeah, they couldn't let him go anywhere but the middle of the boat.
Otherwise, it would tip.
That's crazy.
Sharks and shit, we're circling.
Yeah, I feel like, come to this side.
Come to this side, Bobby.
We have a chance to eat all those.
Well, you can't be on a boat with those fucking buffets, too, man.
Those buffets are brutal.
I gained 12 pounds on a week on the Joker's cruise last year.
I believe it.
Yeah, buffets are rough, man.
Last time I was in Vegas, I ate that at the buffet.
I mean, they're great.
I ate crepes, all kinds of shit I should never eat.
I'll go for thirds, sure.
Yeah, why not?
A small portion.
Fried chicken and waffles.
And it's like your friends go, do you want to eat?
I'm like, no, I just ate like four hours ago.
I'm like, well, come sit with us.
They're like, okay.
Okay.
And you're like, I can sell some fries.
I'll go get us some cupcakes.
Some cupcakes.
No matter how rich you get.
It's free.
You can just take whatever.
Yeah.
You don't have to open your wallet.
It's such an easy process.
But it's right there.
I can just grab it.
Dude, the best is these fucking Filipino and these immigrant type employees
that are like,
are you guys done with this?
They're like, oh, yeah, I'm done.
They're like, are you kidding me?
This could feed my whole village, what you're throwing away.
I know.
Yeah.
It's like they have to keep their smile on their face.
When you find out the real statistics of like how much people make in certain
countries,
you know, like I was reading something about how much people, like the average
salary of
a person who lives in Thailand.
Yeah.
And it's like $1,000 a month.
Dude, I was on a bus.
It's amazing.
I was on a bus from Indonesia to East Timor to cross the land border.
And some guy was talking about how much people make.
And I told him, he's like, wait, what?
I'm like, cost of living is way higher.
He's like, that's great.
I showed him a $50 bill.
He was like, lost his mind.
Wow.
How many, how many, I forgot what their currency is.
How many is this worth?
And I told him, he's like, what?
Yeah.
I think I'm wrong too, about $1,000 a month.
I think they make less than that.
Less than $1,000 a month.
Yeah, it's possible.
It might be like one quarter of that.
A lot of them also don't use currency that much.
They're like, we farm, we trade with our neighbor for milk.
You know what I mean?
Like, we don't need currency.
Dude, we took these lessons on how to, how to grow, how to like, take rice,
plant it.
And like, they take you through the whole steps in Thailand.
They give you the outfits and everything that all the people that farm rice
wear.
But you realize like, before industrialized agriculture, what a process it was
to actually get rice.
Like, fuck that.
It is a giant process.
Yeah.
It's crazy how much work is involved.
Yeah, you see them up to their fucking waist in water.
Yeah.
I saw a dead dog in a rice paddy once face down.
And we're like, oh, that's just, they're still serving that rice.
I'm sure.
Yeah.
They're not going to waste that rice.
Yeah.
Do you think they wash it off at all?
I don't know.
Like.
Maybe.
They're like, whatever.
You're going to put dead dog on it anyway.
Yeah.
Like, oh, because it's uncooked.
It's so wrong.
Well, the thing about the rice is like, I thought that at least when you get
the rice, you'd just
get the rice off the plant and then you could boil it and eat it.
No.
No?
It's like a husk and you've got to beat it down and break it open and then the
actual
rice is underneath it.
Oh, I'm just finding this about weed.
I thought you'd just pick weed off a plant and smoke it.
And they're like, no, you've got to cure it and dry it.
I'm like, cure it?
What?
What?
You know what's the worst?
Female weed is what you want, right?
Oh, right.
But male and female weed get together and they, if the male weed and the female
weed get together,
it ruins the weed.
Yeah.
Like.
Kind of like, kind of like real life.
Kind of like real life.
Yeah.
Men ruin everything.
I didn't know that, uh, that, that plants like, I don't know jack shit about horticulture
or agriculture, but they, they breed like there's a male and a female version
of these plants.
I was like, what?
Like some guy who was a grower was trying to explain it to me, like how they
isolate the
female plants.
Like, wait a minute.
What?
Pete knows a lot about it.
Of course he does.
But like, yeah, it's like, what are you talking about?
You're a plant girl.
I'm talking about plants.
You're wrong.
Yeah.
No, they're plants.
They don't have vaginas.
You fucking idiot.
You idiot.
You dumb idiot.
Hey guys, this thing I've never researched.
I know way more about than this guy who lives his life in it.
I've never even looked into it.
I was stunned.
I was like, there's a male version, a female version of a fucking plant.
What?
Dude, the more I've researched plants, because I had on this guy who's
fascinating, man.
You should really, if you can get him on your podcast, Paul Stamets.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I heard him on NPR.
Oh, you should have him on.
I'll hook you guys up.
I'll hook you guys up.
Okay.
You would love it.
Especially when he finds out that you invented Shroom Fest.
You know, he would love you.
But when he was explaining to me the system through which plants exchange
nutrients and information
with fungi, and that fungi actually supply these plants with certain nutrients,
and there's
like an information network of these mycelium that's underneath the ground.
Weird.
That's how it is.
I've heard about this, how like what trees will do is communicate with each
other.
Once she's dying, they'll send nutrients to the other.
I guess fungi is the context or whatever.
Dude, it's fucking bananas.
Wow.
Yeah.
And all underneath the ground.
I mean, underneath the ground is this whole almost like information exchanging
network of fungi.
Wow.
And like this one needs help.
Yeah, man.
They know when others need more resources.
They have like a socialist network of allocation of resources.
That's strange.
It's fucking crazy.
And they communicate with each other when they're being eaten.
What do you mean?
Please help me?
They know.
They know that other ones are being eaten, and they'll change their flavor
profile.
They actually make their leaves more bitter to avoid predation.
Because like someone's here eating them, fucking put up your defenses.
It's so crazy that you can have the sound of caterpillars chewing leaves.
You could play it like on a recording next to a plant.
And that plant will change its flavor profile.
Wow.
Yeah.
They become so disgusting that giraffes won't eat them, and they'll starve to
death.
Because it's gross.
Because it's disgusting.
It's like when they're trying to get kids not to eat their nails, they paint
them with that stuff that tastes gross.
Oh, do they do that?
Yeah.
Stupid kids eating your nails.
Stupid fucking kids.
Have you ever seen a kid eat their boogers, and you're like, what the fuck is
wrong with you?
Yeah.
You eat your boogers?
All the time, bro.
Still?
What are you going to do with them?
What are you going to do with them?
Oh, you fucking throw them away.
Throw them away.
Is it a trash receptacle for boogers?
Oh, God.
You put them in a tissue, and you'd be gone with them.
You don't eat your boogers, you savage.
And you'll run out of boogers.
Well, okay.
You do what you got to do.
I have one of these JRE shirts.
Oh, I have this one, actually, in my house.
Oh, nice.
I got one of your crazy mushroom shirts.
Which tour was that from?
Do Mushrooms tour?
I think it was two specials ago, not the last one.
There was that one, and then there was the other one with you with your tongue
open with an acid tab.
Oh, that's the 2012.
That's the 2012 shirt.
Oh, 2012 shirt.
Yeah, that's the coolest shirt.
I might not bring those back since I fucked up and didn't do a shirt this year.
You should bring that back just to sell it.
You should just sell it, period.
It's a cool one.
I like the idea of going, like, because Iron Maiden had that with, like, a
shirt per year.
Yeah.
You can show it off at the next Iron Maiden concert, but you had to be at that
concert, otherwise you're fucked.
That's the one.
That's my favorite one.
I got that one.
And the hot black chick on top.
Ted Park did that.
That's the guy that did the Korean zombie shirt.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Damn, he's good.
He is good.
That's a great fucking shirt, man.
Yeah.
And your eyes look sufficiently whacked out.
Yeah, people are like, why is Marc Maron in your shirt?
Nah, that is not Marc Maron.
Or the guy from Grateful Dead.
Imagine if Marc Maron went the other way.
Super drugged out?
Yeah.
He gave up on sobriety and just went all mushrooms.
Just totally the other way.
I had sobriety going, Marc.
Oh, good you should ask.
I bailed.
Put this on your tongue and then let's talk.
I realized, what the fuck am I doing avoiding all the best parts of life?
Yeah, that's teaching me this sober October thing.
It's teaching me a lot.
Dude, my bartender last night went to O'Neal's wedding, right?
O'Neal's wedding.
And I was like, do you have any?
It's at a brewery.
Right.
And I was like, do you have any non-alcoholic beer?
Like I was saying, it helps us socially.
Because socially, it's like, fuck, everyone's drinking.
And he goes, yeah, yeah.
He goes, sober October?
And I'm like, yeah.
But he didn't know it.
A lot of people know this contest.
But he was just like, I'm doing it too.
Did you know about it before last year?
No, because we were going to do it earlier or later.
But then Bert had an Australia thing.
I'm like, there's no way you're doing it in Australia.
You can't be sober in Australia.
And you can't be sober for the Joker's Cruise.
And that was November, I think, first week of November or something.
And so we just settled on October.
So we just stumbled upon it.
And other people have been doing it for years, apparently.
How long has sober Octobe