Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1231 - Matt Braunger
Uploaded: 2019-01-25T01:12:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1231 - Matt Braunger' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1231 - Matt Braunger' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-25. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1231 - Matt Braunger

Five, four, three, two, one, boom.
Matt, you're the first guy to ever bring homemade cold brew to the studio.
I think we should enjoy some of this.
Okay, let's have some.
Yeah, it's pretty much kerosene, so you want to sip it.
Be careful.
Is it really?
Yeah, I usually dilute it with a little bit of water.
Yeah, I found out about this guy, this company called Tristero, or it's a guy,
and he just roasts all these beans from all over the world
and drops them off at this one bicycle cafe.
You live in Venice or something?
No, no, I live in Los Feliz, close second.
Cheers, buddy.
Cheers.
Thanks for having me.
My pleasure.
I had a coffee expert on the podcast before.
Just started, I mean, I don't know anything about coffee.
Just out on a whim, I had this guy, Peter Giuliano.
That's his name?
Giuliano or Giuliani?
I'm avoiding the word Giuliani, like specifically.
I'm sure he is too.
Giuliano.
Giuliano, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he's like a legit coffee expert.
He explained to us that all coffee comes from Ethiopia.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
All of it came out of there.
That's where it originated it.
Oh, okay.
And then they started growing it in Latin American countries and all over the
other place.
Colombian, you know, we're always, as a kid, Colombian coffee was like the
thing.
Like Juan Valdez.
Juan Valdez.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's still, I went to Colombia over the summer and you still see pictures and
drawings of
him everywhere.
Really?
Yeah, because he brought kind of fame to Colombia and differentiated it from
out the other South
American countries, you know.
Well, this guy, it was really, this is actually a very good cold brew.
Oh, cool.
It's very tasty.
Nice.
Interesting.
It's a different flavor.
Yeah.
I mean, cold brew coffee, you take at least 70% of the bitterness out and it
makes it smoother
and there's no acidic and you don't get that, that's the stomach sourness you
get when you
drink a big pot of hot coffee.
Yeah.
I usually don't get that.
I'm okay with coffee, but I do like the flavor of this.
This is really good.
Oh, good.
So this is Ethiopian?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just, I'm no expert.
I just go, what's the best one to make cold brew?
And they pointed a bag and I buy it and that's all, you know.
Smart.
Yeah.
Just defer to experts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's kind of the key to life, I think.
But he was, Giuliani, Giuliano, Giuliano, sorry, Peter.
He was explaining to us that the reason why they all have these different
complex flavors
and how they would take care of the beans because Ethiopia is a very dry
climate, whereas
South America is very hot.
So they developed all these problems with coffee rust.
Have you ever heard of coffee rust?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They developed like weird molds and stuff.
That's wild.
So they had to figure out different ways of processing and wet processing as
opposed to
just leaving them out and drying them.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Did he talk about the illegality of coffee in its kind of earlier stages when
it would
go out into different regions and cultures and religious areas?
Well, Bourdain actually was the first person to tell me that, that they were
outlawing coffee
shops and coffee houses back in the day.
See, there's a clip somewhere online of Bourdain explaining to us how coffee
shops were being
outlawed because at the time everyone basically was drunk all day because
people just, all they
did was drink booze because a lot of times if you had water sitting around,
that water would
probably have some funky shit and it was still water and you'd get sick
drinking it.
But you could be, you know, if water had the alcohol in it, you wouldn't get
sick.
It's a preservative.
Yeah.
Like monks would only drink beer.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
It's not.
I can't imagine if you've ever had like Belgian ale.
It's like, I have three.
I'm just like, okay, Jesus.
And you'd think those guys just pacing themselves all day to stay somewhat
hydrated.
Yeah.
I think they just got used to it, but it must have been terrible for their
bodies.
Yeah.
That's what I was thinking.
It's like, oh, I was just thinking about like life expectancy and how like now
I feel like
we're going to see people living well into their hundreds and stuff and like
our generation
and younger.
But back then you're just like, you're 30.
All right.
You should make a whale man because it's.
Well, it's just, if anything went wrong, you were done.
Whereas like, I have a lot of friends that had their appendix taken out.
Right.
Or they broke a leg hiking and they managed to get okay.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But like back then that was, the wolves ate you.
They just leave you.
Yeah.
So the wolves don't come after the rest of us.
You just take one for the team.
If your appendix went, you were just possessed by demons.
No one knows what the fuck happened.
Yeah.
You just struck dumb and like just fall down.
You just rotted out from the inside and no one knew why.
And the amount of, the amount of, I've read the statistic that like something
like 80%
of medieval land battles were fought drunk or something.
Some insane ratio.
Of course.
It would have to be.
Yeah.
I would have to shotgun a bottle of Jack to pick up like a battle axe and just
run into
a crowd of guys and just start swinging away.
Well, the Vikings were famous for waging war while they were on mushrooms.
Yeah.
They would eat psilocybin mushrooms and just fucking go banana.
Maybe Amanita muscaria too, I think was the other mushroom that they ate.
And they would just go fucking crazy with axes while they were, who knows what
they were seeing.
Well, it's that, the legend of the berserker, where we have the term berserk
from.
You're obviously familiar.
You're a warrior philosopher.
So, you know, that is, but like, yeah, that's probably what you just go into a
trance and
you're just killing everything in sight.
And you're basically like a, an insect on cocaine.
That's just chopping everything down around you.
Yeah.
You remember when we were talking about that new Viking show that's on Netflix?
We missed it.
It wasn't the comedy one.
There's another one.
There's another one.
That's like a serious Viking show on Netflix.
that's supposed to be like the show Vikings, but way better, which I kind of
liked the show
Vikings.
Yeah, it was good.
Pretty good.
It was good.
I thought it's funny though, how, uh, you don't image.
The Last Kingdom.
That's it.
The Last Kingdom.
I heard that's amazing.
That's it.
Where I'm so, you know, we, we, we, we focus on one thing where it's like, you'd
look,
you watch Vikings.
You're like, where are the hats?
Where are the helmets with the horns?
Yeah, what the fuck?
Where are the helmets with the horns?
It's with all these braids everyone has.
You know, I don't, these are normal people.
Head tattoos.
They all, they, they should all be monsters.
But it's like, Vikings were all sizes, you know?
Right.
Well, they were all big.
Like these, the problem is like, there's not that many giant actors unless you
want to
recruit football players.
It's so true.
You know?
Yeah.
But if you go to Holland or something like that, one of the things you walk
around, you
go, God damn, everyone's big.
That's a good point.
Yeah.
Uh, in, in Norway and Norwegian countries, they're very tall.
The median height is like six feet, which is insane.
Well, Iceland has a disproportionate number of strong men competition winners.
Those guys who win the strongest man in the world.
You know, those dudes who throw barrels over the top of them.
Oh, I love it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those guys, a lot of those guys come from Iceland.
Mm-hmm.
Well, the guy who plays the mountain.
Yes.
Who took the strongest man in the world.
Yeah.
Title.
Yeah, he's from Iceland.
He for sure is.
He's fucking huge.
He's huge.
Like, if you saw that guy coming over a hill on a horse, slinging a sword, you'd
be like,
oh, fuck.
It's over.
This is the day.
Yeah.
This is the day we stop existing.
We're done.
This is the day my clan gets wiped out.
Or that thing where to save lives, they'd be like, our champion fights your
champion.
And then that person wins.
And then that guy comes out and you're like, ah.
Yeah, fuck.
I was so good back in the knife gym that we train in.
But this guy.
Well, that was the saddest part about Game of Thrones, was the cocky bisexual
guy.
Oh.
He was winning.
The Red Viper.
He was ahead.
Dude, I was broken up with my now wife and was just back from a weekend on the
road and
was hung over and was just like, I'll watch Game of Thrones.
And I just tweeted, like, I'll watch.
I still have it.
Don't tell me what happens.
You know, blah, blah, blah.
Just to have some connection with the outside world, you know, in my one-bedroom
apartment.
And people were like, don't watch it alone.
I was like, what?
And I watched it.
And it just ruined me because it's so fucked up.
He's screaming about how he raped his sister and he's crushing his head.
And I'm just like, oh, man.
The way he did it, too.
He just grabbed his head and it killed him like you would kill a chipmunk or
something.
It's like the worst death I've probably seen on screen.
And I've seen a lot of bad, horrible screaming deaths.
You know, like it was worse than like the guy in Saving Private Ryan where he's
like, wait,
wait, wait, no, no.
And the guy's just stacking the knife in.
Yeah, there it is right here.
Oh, God.
Brutal.
Yeah.
It's also looks possible.
Yeah, well, I think it's something you write in a fantasy novel.
Like, I don't know how someone could have hands that strong.
Oh, he has hands that strong.
Yeah, you're right.
What am I saying?
He's the strongest man in the world.
If anyone has hands that strong, it's him.
Yeah, I mean, he's going through the eyeballs.
He could pop a head.
Yeah, for sure.
Eyeballs first.
It's a grip.
Grab your head.
Yeah.
Like, don't you think you could do that to a baby?
Oh, I thought.
I mean, you couldn't, but you could physically.
Right, yes.
Yeah, you could morally.
If a demon took over my body.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Or meth.
Wait, what did I say?
I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was telling me that her dad had been
hospitalized.
And while her dad was hospitalized, he was in, like, this care home for older
people.
And a guy who was schizophrenic freaked out and tried to eat him.
Oh, God.
While he was there.
Whoa.
Yeah, and then he said, fuck this, get me out of here, and he wound up dying at
home.
He wound up dying at home rather than die in the hospital because a guy tried
to eat him.
Imagine, like, your last couple days of life are escaping a schizophrenic guy
who got out of his room and tried to eat you.
This is why I worked so hard all my life and raised a family, and now I'm here.
I mean, that's already your worst fear is to die away from your loved ones just
around strangers, to be back at the first day of high school, basically.
But you're old, and everyone's old, but then someone's trying to kill you.
Yeah, and eat you.
We don't get rid of people like that quick enough.
Like, you know, you get rid of bad dogs.
Dogs bite people.
You put them down.
Put them down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I got to tell my mother that because she works with this group called The
Village, which creates a network in any given neighborhood where, if you're
young or you're old, you register it.
It doesn't cost anything, and basically this person can live out their final
years in their home because they have a network of neighbors who check on them,
like, every couple hours, or call me, here's my cell.
That's nice.
It's like, I'm having a chest pain.
Okay, cool.
Let's just get you to the hospital.
Because it's like, I think people deserve to, you know, as long as they're not
eating people and killing them, they can die in their homes.
Yeah, that's a concern that you really don't ever want to address until it's
too late, the concern of when and how do I go.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, you have to accept that you're going to go, and some people
just have a really hard time with that.
Sure.
Even deep into their old age wh