Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1280 - Michael Yo
Uploaded: 2019-04-09T23:05:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1280 - Michael Yo' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1280 - Michael Yo' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-09. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1280 - Michael Yo

Will you go through all three of those?
No.
Oh, okay.
No, one other one is for you.
Oh, okay, good.
Just in case you wanted to.
Good.
That's a beast.
You're a fucking beast going through three coffees.
Oh, we're live.
You're a beast.
We're trying to figure out how much.
I think these are 270 milligrams of caffeine.
If you drank three of these.
Jamie, that would kill you, right?
That would kill you?
No.
Wouldn't kill you.
It would fuck you up.
I thought you walked in with three coffees.
I was like, ah, damn, Rogan.
You're going to die.
Like, straight up, die after the show.
One is for you, and hopefully we won't need both.
Well, I don't know.
I've drank both of them before on a show, which is like 500 plus milligrams.
I'm addicted to coffee, though, man.
I will just drink it.
I don't even need a high.
I'll just drink it.
I love the smell of it.
It's so good in the morning, man.
Oh, it's the best.
And I love it with cream.
I love it black.
I love espresso.
I love it all.
See, I got rid of drinking the whole coffee.
I'm now an espresso drinker.
Really?
Two shots in the morning.
A double shot.
A double shot, and then like a couple hours later, another double.
I'll do like eight double shots throughout the day, because to me, that's
better than drinking
one coffee.
Yes.
Yeah.
But it's not.
It's not.
It's actually, apparently, espresso has less caffeine in it than coffee does.
Even though it seems like it has a lot, it doesn't.
But you have to drink more acidic acid.
It just tastes like shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It doesn't taste like shit, but it's definitely an acquired taste.
I enjoy it, but it's one of the rare things I drink that is that big, and I'm
holding my
finger up like-
Yeah.
Two inches.
Two inches.
Yeah.
It's that.
It's two inches, and it'll take me 10, 15 minutes to drink it.
For an espresso?
Yeah.
It should be like a slow.
Oh my God.
Why are you drinking so slow?
I like it.
I like the savory.
Like this.
Like a gentleman.
Pinkies out, bro.
Pinkies out.
There's only one way to do it.
With these fat Neanderthal fingers, if you're holding that little tiny handle,
you can't
get your whole hand in there like a man.
You can't look like a man drinking an espresso.
Right.
It's not like a beer stein made out of a rhino horn.
It's a tiny little thing.
You cannot look tough drinking an espresso, but I drink mine in like three
seconds.
Do you?
Just throw it down.
And then I go to the gym.
Well, I do that too.
One time I drank five.
I have a Nespresso espresso maker, and I put five capsules in there, and I
filled a mug
up with it, like a coffee mug, and I drank it, and I ran four miles like a
fucking animal
through the hills, like I was being chased by wolves.
You're just howling.
What the fuck am I doing?
Wolves are chasing you.
I was like, why did I drink so much?
So what is espresso?
What does it say there, Jamie?
Okay, coffee brewed.
See, but it all depends on the company, because Starbucks is extremely caffeinated.
Yeah.
See, Starbucks is way up the chart.
Look at it there.
What?
Starbucks tall is like closing in on 200 and what does it look?
It looks like about 270.
Yeah, I think that's about it.
Somewhere in the range of 270 milligrams of caffeine.
But that's a coffee.
That's not espresso.
So a coffee, it would be better to go to Starbucks and get a tall coffee then.
There's an espresso.
See how low it is?
It's below 100.
Yeah.
So that's why I'm drinking so many of them.
So when I drank five, I guess, I think I had five.
You did 500.
I think 500 milligrams, which is basically less than drinking two of these
things.
See?
Yeah, these caveman nitros.
These are the shit.
Yeah.
I live off these goddamn things.
They're responsible for half my productivity.
Basically, I'm too chicken shit to go on Adderall.
So I just drink this stuff all day.
Well, yeah, it's a good move.
Good move.
There's nothing wrong with coffee, man.
I'm scared of Adderall.
But people admit they're addicted to coffee and everyone's like, ah, me too.
If you go, dude, I am so addicted to Adderall.
They're like, okay, Joe.
Dude.
I'm not calling you anymore.
You're going to think I'm lame, but until five years ago, I didn't even know
what Adderall
it was.
No, I think you're smart.
Good for you.
All my friends in Houston, they do it.
And I asked my friend, like I text him and I go, hey, man, what's your Addy?
And he goes, yeah, we got Adderall.
I was like, what are you talking?
No, your address to go to your house.
Like literally, he thought I was talking about Adderall.
And then he explained to me, like when you're in a club and you want to stay up
and you want
to stay like energized, you take Adderall.
And I was like, oh, okay.
But I don't drink, so I can stay up till three, four o'clock in the morning and
be fine.
What's fascinating about Adderall is what they've essentially done is taking an
amphetamine and made it so that if you prescribe it for a condition, right?
Like they give it to people who have, what, ADD is one of them, right?
Whatever the fuck that means.
And it's very debatable whether or not you have it or don't have it.
Everybody has ADD.
I have it for sure.
If it's real, if it's real, I have it.
But they give you Adderall, which is fucking speed.
And because it's a medication that you give to somebody who supposedly has a
condition,
and by the way, I'm not diagnosing you.
If you're out there, you're getting frustrated with me right now.
Just listen to me.
It's fucking speed.
Maybe you need speed.
Maybe you're that person that needs speed.
Maybe you do need it legitimately as a medication.
There's a fuckload of people that are just doing speed.
So by somebody giving you speed, it's supposed to slow you down so you won't
have ADD?
Is that the reasoning?
They say legit, if you have the legit ADD.
Look, I am not doubting that some people have whatever the fuck I have worse
than I have it.
Yeah.
There's a spectrum, right?
With everything.
But for some people, when they take Adderall or similar type of substances, it
actually lets them focus.
And they can actually be on track.
So by speeding it up, somehow it focuses in.
I don't get it.
I think their system, I think the idea is that it's proof that their system is
wired wrong,
which is why when you give them that speed, they can center out and mellow out.
My friend's a doctor, and I was talking to him.
And I used to just pop by to say, what's up?
And he goes, hey, man, just to let you know, the more you go to a doctor, the
faster you'll die.
And I go, what?
Yeah.
He's like, I just want to let.
No, yeah, yeah.
He says, the more you go to us, you come to us, the faster you'll die.
I was like, what are you talking about?
Because a lot of doctors are crooked, and they'll give you something for what
you think you got.
And then after that wears off, they have to give you something else.
So now you just keep filling yourself with stuff to fix the other thing that
was wrong.
And he goes, some doctors are not good people.
And he goes, the more people go to doctors, the faster they die.
Put it in point.
My mom beat breast cancer twice, right?
And my dad's never been to the doctor.
He's 75 years old, never been to the doctor once.
Because he's like, well, as soon as you go to the doctor, they tell you
something wrong.
You die.
You know, literally.
Yeah, but if you have cancer, you should go to a fucking doctor.
Well, he didn't have cancer.
My mom did.
Right.
But if he had cancer, he should go to a fucking doctor.
But I don't think he would go, even if he hadn't.
What?
Yeah, he's just like.
But your mom beat it twice, and she's still here.
Yeah, she is.
And the second time she beat it, she didn't even tell me she had it.
Doesn't your dad want to beat it if he gets it?
Nah.
My dad is kind of dudes like, hey, I've been through a lot.
I'm fine.
Like, he hates going to the doctor.
The only time he went to the doctor, he had a back problem.
And that's it.
I feel like if you met a good doctor.
What if you met a good doctor?
Like a doctor that he likes.
Like a guy he plays golf with or some shit.
Does your dad play golf?
My dad is not social.
He's not?
No.
No?
No, I'm totally.
It's weird.
You're so social.
I'm totally opposite.
Like, my dad's story is crazy.
Like, he went through segregation.
He got a PhD in nuclear physics.
Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
My dad's a genius.
Oh, shit.
And you're out there talking shit and telling jokes.
Telling jokes.
I'm a failure.
But you're not because you're a success at it.
So, he's got to go, all right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He knew.
He's the one that told me to drop out of college.
Really?
Yeah.
I played football for the university.
How did he say it, though?
He said, you need to drop out of college.
You're not smart.
See, that's not supportive.
It's not like, Michael, you need to drop out of college and chase your dreams.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
He was like, my dad's whole thing is, I got a PhD in nuclear physics.
I know what wanting to be in school is.
And you don't want to be in school.
And you got a personality.
Go do that.
But you're dumb.
Like, literally.
Oh, no.
He would say that.
My parents were not supportive, though.
They were just not supportive.
Like, my mom wanted me to be a doctor.
But she knew I wasn't bright enough to be a doctor.
So, like, my dad said, you got to drop out.
See, I don't think you're not bright enough to be a doctor.
I think you're not interested in being a doctor.
Yeah, no.
See, because I see how you pursue stand-up and show business.
You're a bright, ambitious guy.
Oh, 100%.
You just don't want to be operating on people that are on
anesthesia with fucking headlamps on and shit and rubber gloves
covered with blood.
Get the fuck out of here.
I don't want nobody dying on me.
That would be the worst.
Having somebody die while you're working on them?
And then you got to go tell their family, hey, man, sorry.
My bad.
You know, ugh, the pressure of those people.
Jamie, was it you that was telling me yesterday about the guy who's the EMT?
Tell me what you told me.
He said he was listening to the podcast we did with Luis J. Gomez about people
getting
head injuries.
And he has been doing, I believe, for like 15 years or so.
Like, doesn't do it every single day because you don't work every single day,
but on a
three day basis or so, every day he works, he sees at least one person dead
from a head
injury, whether it's an elderly person that slept on ice, something.
People fall and hit their heads.
Oh, yeah.
Like, that's why, please, folks, if you're listening to me and you want to
punch somebody
and knock them out, please don't do it.
Just go to a gym.
Get your frustrations out.
Don't fight on the street.
You could kill somebody or you can get killed, even accidentally.
Even if you really don't hate the guy that much, you punch him in the face.
They go unconscious.
Their head hits the ground.
People die all the time.
I mean, I've told the story about when Kevin James used to work as a bouncer in
Long Island,
a guy that he was working with punched a guy and killed him.
Really?
Yeah.
Kevin wasn't there, but he knew the guy.
And the guy accidentally killed a drunk guy.
Drunk guy's coming at him.
He punched him, I guess.
I don't know the whole story.
But that shit happens all the time.
I've seen guys get knocked out.
And it's not about the punch, though.
It's about when they hit their head after the punch.
You're getting hit by the world.
Yeah.
Think about that.
Think of the world just dropped on your head.
That's what it's like.
Your body mass bouncing off a completely, especially concrete.
There's no give.
So your head just cluck.
It sounds horrible.
Listening to someone's head bounce off concrete is one of the scariest fucking
sounds.
It's horrible.
Even if you do it to somebody and you wanted to hurt them,
when you hear their head bounce off concrete, you're like, oh, shit.
That's not as simple as you punch them.
You punch them and then whatever they weigh, 190 pounds with all their mass and
gravity
pulling them towards the ground with n