Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1319 - Joey Diaz
Uploaded: 2019-07-02T02:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1319 - Joey Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1319 - Joey Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-02. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1319 - Joey Diaz

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, Joey motherfuckin' Diaz.
What's up, brother?
What's up there, baby?
I'm just on the drive up here.
I was thinking about all the busted assholes that are in the hospital today
from the gay pride parade yesterday.
Can you imagine how many guys went down there just to say hello and ended up
getting fucked in the ass by the stick?
They had a good time.
Bro, let me tell you something.
That was one of the biggest turnouts.
My friend went and he said he had a fucking blast.
One of my guerrilla buddies said he had a blast.
Blast!
Gay people are great in fucking New York.
All over.
Everywhere.
Everywhere.
They're celebrating.
They can be free.
I loved it.
They can be who they are.
I loved it.
Anybody who's got a problem with that is crazy.
But on the dark side, let's talk about the facts here.
A couple confused little young white dudes went down there yesterday.
Sure, I'll go have a drink.
Yeah, some guys who just wanted to be an ally.
An ally to the gay folks.
I just want, you know, I'm not gay, but I am your ally.
Next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire.
What's up, brother?
That's what guys have to remember.
Gay dudes are dudes.
They're all the same rules apply.
All the same rules of scumbaggery that apply to men apply to gay men.
Yeah, there's like three types of gay guys.
There's gay guys that aren't interested.
Yeah.
There's gay guys that are semi-interested.
And there are gay guys that live to convert you.
It hurts my feelings as a 51-year-old man that that's still a big deal.
That anyone cares at all.
It really does.
It hurts my feelings because I thought that by the time I was a fucking middle-aged
51-year-old father that we'd be done with that.
People wouldn't care if other people were gay.
Like, whoa.
Of all the shit to worry about.
Of all the shit in the world to worry about, you're worrying about guys who
like guys?
Like, what do you give a fuck?
And they always go biblical.
They always go biblical.
Like, it's always, uh, if God wanted that, it'd be in the Bible.
Oh, that is, that shit drives me crazy.
Where I lived in my old house in North Hollywood, there was a gay couple across
the street.
Two dudes.
One was a pilot for a major airline.
And he was in the process, and the other guy got fired from Target for being a
transgender.
This goes back to 2010.
And they had cats.
You know me, dog.
I talked to the guys about cats.
There was an old guy down the block that would come over and talk to me like,
you can't talk to them.
Old white dude.
Like, you can't talk to them.
You can't encarise that in that neighborhood.
I don't want two more of those fucking assholes moving here.
And I go, they're out here feeding fucking homeless cats.
What's the, you know what I'm saying?
Right.
To this day, whenever I go to my old neighborhood and I see them outside, I
pull over, I talk to them, say hello.
They're just two sweet people trying to be fucking.
Just being who they are.
Trying to be who the fuck they are.
And we make jokes.
Hey, I make jokes for the whole thing.
But at the end of the day, I learned the hard way.
And I talked about it on stage the other night.
You were there when I said that my daughter invited me to a party.
Yeah.
And she went to school with a kid and his parents are transgender.
And I felt kind of weird.
And I went.
And on the way out, I looked at the kid.
I seen 60 transgender people.
They come from a community.
Yeah.
And I saw this little kid smiling.
I go, I'm adopted.
That kid's adopted.
Look what they're doing for that kid.
They're making him a life.
Like, and I closed the door and I went in.
And like I said in the joke, I hugged the lead tranny.
And now we're fucking tight.
That's it.
I eat the food.
Nice.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
The only time it matters with me is with sports.
Just stop with that.
Just stop with that and we're going to be fine.
But there's some statistic, see if this is true, that someone sent me that out
of the
14 states that allow high school kids to compete as the gender that they
identify with, rather
than their biological gender.
In those 14 states, transgender students are just dominating.
Transgender male to female, they're just dominating.
They're winning everything.
It's crazy.
I know you have problems with the boxer.
I have a problem with all of the sports, all of it, when it comes to like power
sports.
Like, I'm not sure they've done the work here.
I don't, like this idea that every, like they use the excuse of outliers.
And the outliers are there's some like super athletes, right?
Like you can get a regular girl who weighs 145 pounds or you can get, you know,
a Ronda Rousey
who weighs 145 pounds.
You know, there's like, there's extreme athletes that are, there's people that
are different,
right?
Like Serena Williams is clearly a different level of athlete than a regular
person, right?
A regular girl who's like her weight, she's just superior.
And I think that that is what you see with some of these transgender athletes
that come over
to become women.
And they say, well, they're no different than like an Ann Wolfe, who is like a
superior
athlete, female boxer.
You ever see Ann Wolfe knock girls out?
No.
Dude.
Dude.
She haymakers this chick with a right hand.
It's like one of the most brutal one-punch knockouts you've ever seen, men or
women.
Perfect technique.
Boom!
Just waylays this girl.
Timber!
She falls out cold.
And there's not a whole lot of women other than maybe Amanda Nunes, but Amanda
Nunes is doing
it with them little gloves on.
I wonder if she would be able to do it like that with those big gloves.
I think she probably could because she hits that goddamn hard.
But you know, you got to judge each sport by, you know, like we see Pauly Malignaggi
goes
over to bare knuckle boxing.
He doesn't do that well in comparison to say like if somebody like, you know,
like a really
good high-level striker with knockout power with the big gloves on, like if you
put Deontay
Wilder in little gloves, I don't imagine anybody being able to take that.
He's fucking people up at like a heavyweight with those big gloves.
So it's a different thing.
You know?
So who the fuck knows?
But the idea is the outlier.
The outlier.
Like if you get one superior athlete and then you have them sort of commensurate
with a
transgender athlete.
Like a guy who was an athlete who became a woman, you know, in his 30s.
And they just identify as goes through the surgery.
But how much benefit does he take of having testosterone flow through his body
for 30 plus
years?
We really don't know.
It doesn't mean you hate transgender people.
It doesn't mean you don't love everyone.
It doesn't mean you don't want everyone to live their life and be whoever they
want to
be with total freedom.
I don't think we have males compete against males for a reason because we feel
like it's
more fair.
Even though it's not.
Like it's not more fair if I'm playing basketball against Michael Jordan.
That's not fair.
He's better.
He's a better athlete.
There's people that have just got to be way better than you no matter what you
do.
Like if I had trained all my life to be a better basketball player than Michael
Jordan, it's
not even physically possible.
Right?
So there's outliers in males.
But when the outliers, when there's so many, you have to, when you see so many
transgender
athletes that are dominating in sports, and then when you add combat sports,
which is how
I got involved in this, when a woman was doing that, who was a transgender
woman,
just not telling anybody and saying it was a medical issue.
Like, well, that's fucking crazy.
We all, we know, we want to pretend that everyone's equal.
You know, we want inclusiveness and we want peace.
We want everyone to get along.
We want equality.
We want gender equality.
Okay, I get it.
I see where you're going.
But we also have to look at reality.
The reality is there's fucking giant physical differences.
These transgender athletes are dominating against women who are born a woman.
They have to be a woman their whole life.
They never have 30 years of testosterone flowing through their veins.
It's like doing steroids for 30 years and then stopping.
It's crazy.
That's what I think.
You're freaking me out.
You know, I just smoked some reflux.
Me too, man.
How did you get me on this subject?
I don't even know how the fuck we got on this subject.
Transgender people.
But as human beings, I love them all.
I love everybody.
Dude, Eddie Izzard is one of my favorite guests of all time.
He's so interesting.
He's been transgender since 85, I believe he said.
Prefers women.
Likes women.
He's not a gay fellow.
Just likes dressing up as a woman.
And extremely intelligent.
Very interesting.
It's fucking that special on HBO 15 years ago.
It was mind-boggling.
Say what you want to say.
It was up there with the great specials.
Because it had more of a one-man show tone to it.
Yeah.
You didn't qualify it as a special.
But when you look at it as a whole, it was a great fucking performance.
He's a special person.
And he just happens to be transgender.
It kind of makes him even more interesting.
Speaking about special people, I got to apologize to you for something.
For me?
Because I've always had this discrepancy.
Last night I went out for a little while.
I got home.
I had a couple numbers in me.
I grabbed the fucking apple.
I sat on the couch to unwind.
And I put the TV on.
And in front of me was the Blues Brothers.
Ooh.
When was the last time I watched the Blues Brothers?
I don't know.
So the scene that opens up is them at the restaurant when he's trying to talk
to maitre d' and to join the band.
And there's a family next to him.
A husband, a wife, and three daughters.
And the guy's telling them, I'm not going to join the band.
So he goes, really?
You're not going to join the band?
He takes a bottle of champagne.
He goes over to the table and he goes, sir, how much for the little girls?
I wasn't ready for that.
I just lost it, right?
And he's like, sir, how much for the little girls?
And the guy's like, what?
And he goes, for the women.
I want to pay you for the women.
And the guy's like, you know, sir, sir.
He turns around.
The guy comes over, breaks his balls again.
He fucking turns over to the guy again.
And he goes, sir, how much for the wife?
How much for your wife?
I remember the scene.
This is class.
This is class.
This is craziness.
This would never happen today.
Mouths full of food.
And Dan Aykroyd continues eating in the background.
And Dan, we got to talk about Dan Aykroyd.
Because he's been like a hemorrhoid.
He's the silent.
He don't make a bull.
And the guy is phenomenal.
He's still around.
And if you don't believe me, watch a movie named My Girl.
And then watch this.
And then watch him the fucking Liberace movie.
He's outlasted everybody.
You know, he's a serious believer in UFOs.
Well, what are you going to do?
Everybody's got problems.
Right here.
Right here.
When he threatens him, right here.
How much for the wife?
Okay?
Look at the guy choking his shit.
They giving him champagne.
And then watch fucking Dan Aykroyd.
Watch what he does.
He goes, if you don't fucking,
if you don't join the band,
we will be in here every day
for breakfast, lunch, and fucking dinner.
And watch what Dan Aykroyd does at this fancy restaurant.
But Joe, it doesn't stop there.
They get in the car.
They drive off.
Look at him.
Look at him.
That's craziness.
This is the last of real comedic.
If you're going to get into comedy or you want to be,
this is comedy 101.
They walk out.
They get into a car.
That black fucking car.
This is nonstop, Joe Rogan.
Right.
There's not like a hard, like there's no fluff.
They get into a car.
They get into traffic.
The cop comes up to him.
He goes, there's Nazis.
I have a parade.
And he goes, Belushi goes, Illinois Nazis.
I hate them more than anything.
He looks at Aykroyd.
They fucking pull over and they take the car and go right for the Nazis.
The Nazis have to jump off the bridge.
Whi