Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2019-10-02T02:30:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-02. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir

Ari Shaffir, we're here. It's Sober October.
Are we allowed to smoke cigars?
Yeah, we're allowed to smoke cigars.
Let's smoke a cigar. Let's fucking bend the rules a little.
I have three in my trunk.
I have two right here.
Yeah.
These are good. I was smoking cigars with Burr on the show.
People are going to be mad at us.
This is tobacco. You're using tobacco products. You're totally cheating.
Well, they can suck my cheese.
They can or it can?
They can suck my cheese.
With their fucking stupid rules. It's already hard enough.
Okay. Jeez.
Do you remember one time you weren't masturbating for a month?
Yeah.
You remember that?
Yeah.
And all those people were like, yeah, but you're having sex. Don't do it with
sex.
And you're like, dude, I'm not playing your game. I'm doing a thing for myself.
Doing my game. Yeah.
Everybody wants rules. I start working out. Oh, what are you doing? I'll just
bench.
Yo, dude, you got to do legs or you're not doing anything.
You're like, can you give me two times?
Yeah, well.
Are you doing ISO?
Isn't that the problem, Joe, with just interacting with people online?
There's always going to be someone that's upset at you for something.
Yeah. Mad at you.
Yeah.
For trying.
For anything.
You'd rather I don't try.
Anything. No matter what you're doing, there's someone pissed.
Yeah.
What are you going to do?
It's such a crazy place, the internet.
Oh, it's so crazy. And that's where we make our home. That's what's really
crazy.
It really is nuts.
Are you on that light phone now?
No, it hasn't come yet. It's coming at the end of October.
Oh.
I'm trying a regular phone this month.
A regular phone?
Yeah. So I got a new number.
Spark that.
Oh, yeah.
Like a cell phone?
Yeah.
Like a real cell phone? Like a smartphone?
No, I got a new number due to a regular flip phone.
Okay.
But the old number, I'm keeping it on on a smartphone.
I'm seeing if I can handle it for a month.
You can handle it.
I don't know. Signs are not great already.
It's the fucking being alone and just kind of flipping through, watching
Walking Dead and then flipping like double screens.
My daughter has a phone now, but she has a little thing.
My middle daughter, not like the older one. That would be ridiculous.
But she has a screen limitation. She can only use a screen.
Could she turn it off?
Can she?
Yeah. It's not just when an alarm?
No. She doesn't get to. We do it. So she got an hour.
And then what happens after the hour?
It stops working.
What stops working?
Everything except phone calls. You can get phone calls in.
An hour of total use.
See, I need that, but I can't find anything like that. So how does she not be
able to turn it off? Because you have the passwords for it.
Yeah.
Oh, so I just got to get to my...
Well, just don't give yourself the chance to do the passwords.
What do you mean?
Just put it on an hour. And when the hour's on, over, just accept it in your
head.
That's not going to happen.
Wow.
That's crazy talk. Jamie, explain to him that's crazy talk.
It doesn't work.
I know.
An hour?
Well, for a kid, maybe.
No matter what the time limit is, as soon as you see it, like your time's up,
you just go,
oh, well, let me finish sending this one thing.
I'm hoping that Bert and Tom both say that we cheated already because we're
smoking cigars and we're good.
Dude, the first year...
I'll take everybody to dinner somewhere.
Somebody said kombucha. They were like, kombucha already cheated. I was like,
guys, you tell me right now if this is cheating because I'm done.
Yeah.
It's cool. I'm out.
One of the great things about our contest is there's no real ramifications
other than talking shit.
You know, like Bert came in last, but what happened to him?
What happened to him?
Nothing.
Nothing.
He just talked...
Fuck him.
All he did was talk shit and then dealt with no repercussions.
We all knew that we couldn't lose to Bert. That was a massive motivating factor
for everyone, including Tom.
Remember when Tom came back and he ran 13 fucking miles?
He was done. On injury, he was done.
Well, he's sick. He got really sick. He got the flu.
Yeah.
And he came back and the day back, he ran 13 fucking miles.
To try to catch up.
And he did catch up.
He did.
Catch up and pass him.
Bert was like, what are you doing? I thought I was winning. I thought I was
going to win.
Let's hip-hop dance.
What are you doing?
What are you doing? I thought I was going to win.
What about the... Is there a belt this year?
No, the belt stays...
A second belt?
A new belt?
I feel like there's no belt because it's not a competition this year.
This is the problem.
We're going to explain this, folks, on the Sober October podcast, which is
right after this.
But the problem is, none of us have the time for the competition.
I can't go crazy.
Why?
What's different from this year to last year?
I'm too busy.
Question?
Yes.
Is your schedule not exactly the same as it was last year?
It's more podcasts, for sure.
Oh, you're doing more podcasts.
Yeah, more podcasts and other various activities outside of the podcast.
And then the heat that I took from my family.
Like, my kids didn't see me for a month.
Yeah.
That's why I thought I had some sort of chance.
Because you guys had to be home.
But I forgot that you guys also have gyms in your home.
Yeah.
I have a full gym.
I had that 24-hour gym I would go to.
That's pretty dope.
Yeah, on the way home from the cell, that's where I got some nice points.
Yeah, that's a good move.
Well, when you first figured out that you could just watch a movie and that
that distracts you enough to do cardio and you can get some pretty good numbers,
I was like, oh, that's pretty smart.
Because that does distract the shit out of you.
It makes it way easier.
Yeah, I would just post my workout would just be the movie that I watched.
Dude, I'm already high from the cigar.
I feel like we're out.
I'm just hoping Tom and Bert come in and they're like, wait, do you guys smoke
cigars?
Are you guys smoking cigars?
I didn't know we were doing the cigars as well.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You guys are out.
Oh, Tom and Bert win.
We're going to do cigars.
Let's just win one.
We'll stand on the platform together.
First place.
We don't have to compete.
Yay.
Let's have a dance-off for first place.
Come on.
Dance-off.
When he was talking dance-off, I was like, he's just going to take his pants
off.
I know what he's going to do.
And then he did that video.
And that's exactly what he did.
That's exactly what he did.
He took his fucking pants off.
That was what Big Jay did fucking first two years in a comedy when he said he
was terrible.
He would do the pants-off thing.
Good move.
And now it's what Bert's doing now, 28 years in a comedy.
Yeah, you should stop that.
But people get mad if he doesn't take his shirt off.
I know.
He's in a trap.
I would be mad too if I went to see Bert Kreischer, his final time doing stand-up
in my city.
What's the matter?
It's loud.
It sounds like there's a fucking tornado in here.
Does it?
I can hear it through the headphones.
Is it because we're smoking cigars?
Yeah, I know.
Damn, I got a head rush off this cigar.
That's what I'm saying.
We're high, dude.
We're cheating.
We're fucking for sure cheating.
I don't know what I'm going to do, dude.
This whole fucking...
The Yankees are going all the way.
I'm going to have to fucking go to Yankee games.
We're out.
Well, I'm already out.
On the show's podcast.
We're getting hot.
We want to take a drug test right now.
Elevated levels of nicotine.
We should be doing so, Bombed October.
We really should be going for it the other way.
We could switch it up.
We could talk those guys into it.
Let's just switch it up, you guys.
Some whiskey meals.
Really go hard.
Yeah.
Mushrooms every other day.
Yeah.
Can you imagine what kind of a person you'd be at the end of the month if you
did mushrooms
every other day?
Can I tell you a story?
Sure.
So, I went to a music festival, and there was this guy who had...
A lot of my camp had never done any mushrooms.
And this guy did mushrooms for four straight days.
Four straight days.
The second day, he was like, can we do mushrooms again?
I'm like, they're not going to work.
You really have to do twice as much.
He just kept going.
Third day, kept going.
Just munching mushrooms.
Four days.
Didn't touch his phone at all.
Didn't touch it.
He had like 4% battery the whole time it was off.
And then he turned it on, and he texted, and he had to tell work he wasn't
going to come
in the Monday, you know?
He'll work from home.
They gave him some shit.
He just looked at his phone.
After being on shrooms for four days, he looked at his phone.
He could just see it rush into his head.
Like, this thing brings me such fucking misery, and I had such a good time
without it.
And you could just see all that said in his head.
He just goes...
He fucking launches it.
Whoa.
He just chucked his fucking iPhone as far as he could.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was such a great moment.
You can't do mushrooms too many days in a row.
You get fucked up.
Yeah.
Did he sober up after that, and then call his job and apologize and get a new
phone?
His other friend went and got it and held it and pointed it out.
I'm like, no, I'm holding this for you.
It wasn't broken?
No, it didn't break.
That's amazing.
Where were you guys at?
Was it dirt?
You threw it on?
It was on a dirt slash rock path.
Yeah.
So I could easily hit a rock.
Yeah, easily.
Do you have a case on it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I think one of the points is that he threw it.
The new ones are supposed to be way more resistant to drop it.
I love how as soon as they came out, they're like, oh, and if you drop it from
more than
a foot away, it's going to break.
This grand new design, the iPhone 2010.
It is a weird thing, right, where guarantee you're going to drop it.
Guarantee if you drop it, it's going to break.
I had Neil deGrasse Tyson on recently, and he's always got no case on his phone.
That's the thing.
He marvels about the design.
It's amazing design.
And what you do is you get, Jamie rocks no case because of Neil deGrasse Tyson.
He's a big old cop.
You got to listen to him.
Yeah.
Why?
What did he say?
But anyway, he came back, and his fucking phone was broken.
Really?
He had dropped it because he pulled his pants off, or his jacket off, or
something like
that, and it was in the pocket of his jacket, and it fell to the floor when he
pulled his
jacket off of the couch.
Oh, yeah.
He didn't account for the centrifugal force of his pants coming down off the
torque.
Yes.
Of all that, it didn't account.
So he has this starry night Van Gogh painting.
It's all shattered.
A thing on his back, the back of his phone, and little bits of glass were
coming off it,
and he realized that it was cracked.
Like, uh-huh.
I've got a case on mine.
You're not smart.
Uh-huh.
So smart that you don't have a case.
But it is weird that we have this super expensive thing that everybody carries
around with them
that if you do drop it, it will get fucked up.
Yeah.
What, Mick?
What?
Did you see that new Fold phone that cost, like, $2,000?
I heard about those years ago.
You can't even use a pen, or you can't use your fingernail or anything.
It'll scratch.
Oh, what?
That's crazy.
Does it have a Galaxy Fold?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you use a pen, like-
Like, you can't use, like, that S pen.
You can't barely-
Not even a fingernail.
That's dumb.
How do you use it?
I don't touch it softly.
Well, it's so flexible, you know, because it has to-
The screen has to flex.
So what do you just finger tip?
Like-
It's not durable enough.
It's not ready yet.
This is the second design.
Right.
This is the second iteration of it, and the first iteration, like, immediately
started breaking
as soon as all those-
You know, those influencers, those YouTube guys, like, Unbox Therapy and MKHD.
MKBHD.
What is that?
You want to take the B out, MKBHD.
Is that right?
Yeah, I got it.
You got it.
It's just a lot of letters.
Marcus Brownlee.
Anyway, he's awesome.
These guys, these Y