Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1407 - Michael Malice
Uploaded: 2020-01-07T20:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1407 - Michael Malice' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1407 - Michael Malice' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-07. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1407 - Michael Malice

and booyah so what are we saying about tarantula hawks tarantula hawk wasps
yeah they're like that
big fucker that mayner sent me so this is one of the there's a guy who made a
scale right and he
got stung by all the different insects and this is i think five there's also a
five plus they're
very hard to get you to sting them there's a guy who online goes through and
gets them all stung
but the reason they're so dangerous or or so venomous what they do is they
sting the tarantula
lay their eggs inside the tarantula and then tarantula is eaten alive by the
offspring for
weeks right and then when this was discovered this kind of stuff in the middle
ages they were like
this is a big theological dilemma because god why would god make this happen
yeah why would god do
that nature is i mean i could go down this rabbit hole for hours please do yeah
i mean you've seen
that gigantic flower that they found that smells like shit so one of the uh one
of the cousins to
that flower is called something infanticida so the insane thing about that
flower rafflesia it's the
largest flower in the world it only lasts two weeks yeah but the plant parasite
right so the plant that
it comes from has no stems roots or leaves yeah so you can't keep it on display
because it is entirely
inside another uh species of vine yeah it's completely parasitic right yes it
just sits there and it's
fucking huge look at that thing yeah and they smell uh they smell they're
called corpse flowers because they smell
like rotting flesh too weird and they don't know why it's so big it gets to
trap rats that's what i
would imagine no it doesn't it's not carnivorous it's the flower it gets sneaky
yeah they're adapting
bro that's what it is they get ready to eat people look how big they are they're
gorgeous they are
beautiful oh wow look at that one where the guy's got his hand on it before it
blooms so that's what it
looks like sitting on the ground and then it pops open that's some fucking
avatar shit right there so i have
something from the island of socotra which is an archipelago near the coast of
yemen called duvalyandra d u
and their flowers look and smell like meat whoa because you want to attract
flies and the hotter
it gets in the house the more the flower smells it's really cool when you get
it so it's actually
heat activated just like rotten food would be yeah to trick the flies because
flies are going to be
attract there it is that is bananas there number seven that one's just right
there james you see
that in this in the second the third one on the left there that's it you can
look at the texture
wow and it even has hairs to replicate a wound
it looks like a blown out butthole yeah but from an alien oh there is a little
little dot in there oh
there is a butthole that smells like shit if you look up white slonia white s-l-o-a-n-e-a
it smells like an asshole and has hairs that wriggle in the wind oh and it's it's
to replicate
an asshole to um
uh w-h-i-t-e-s-l-o-a-n-e-a white slonia named after white and sloan it's from
somalia
oh yeah look at those flowers
oh god how weird just the the sheer variety and that smells like a butthole and
has hair on it
yeah and the hair moves my friend calls it god's mistakes but with the sheer
variety of nature so
weird isn't it great i mean we're just i mean that's not unusual if an asshole's
not unusual and
every animal has an asshole why is it unusual to have a plant that looks like
an asshole and we have
the expression you attract more flies with honey than vigor but it's also like
like a pig to shit
a fly to shit you're gonna have flowers that smell like shit yes and there's a
lot of them there's a
whole family of them and they're gorgeous yeah they smell and when they pop
open they fart it's like
a fart because it's contained and then it pops open oh so like the gases come
out of it when it pops
open yeah it releases a dose yeah look up uh the biggest one stapelia s-t-a-p-e-l-i-a
are there any
plants that have the same effect on people that like um you know that one well
not it's not even a plant
actually it's a fungus so there's one branch of the cordyceps mushroom that
infects ants
gets them to explode yeah so that they spray the spores everywhere they die it
grows inside of them
then literally explodes out into the air so the spores will infect other ants
well when ants find
out that one of their members has been infected they'll take that ant way out
of the community
like wait they'll take them on a walk yeah because they know somehow or another
that this thing's gonna
blow up on all their family they took they had found footage of this and
literally like the mushroom
grows out of the aunt's head and then it pops out it's there's a lot of things
that they're learning
now about nature controlling the minds of other beings which is really a recent
kind of discovery
and really fox news right yeah fox news am i right that's more like phone news
am i right
yeah that that sort of um parasitic relationship we one of my favorite ones
ever was the um the
grasshopper that gets infected by this aquatic worm the aquatic worm gets it to
commit suicide so that
it can give birth to this worm it literally gets into the wiring of the grasshopper's
brain and
convinces it to jump into a puddle what about the louse that eats fish's
tongues and then becomes a
functional tongue and becomes a tongue yeah fuck so there's there's a lot of
this this kind of crazy
stuff i my understanding is the majority of species are actually parasitic
really yeah there's because
it's so much easier to be a parasite you latch on you're getting nutrition you
don't got to do
anything you don't have to hunt you don't have to graze and you're just set
well that's also just
obviously parasitic if you want to think about it most organisms are semi-parasitic
and that we need
other organisms in order to survive you know like if you're a farmer i don't
want to say you're a
parasite if you're a beef farmer there's a headline beef farmers are parasites
says joe rogan 2020 is
going to be living off that organism well yeah and but the other thing is if
every species has several
parasites think how many we have lice and oh yeah it makes sense that the
majority are going to be
parasitic even at the micro level you get down to our gut oh yeah all the the
different bacteria
that's on your skin we're filled with stuff yeah it's it's really fascinating
how clever
uh many of these organisms are yeah it's a trip it's a weird thing to be a
person my friend
i wouldn't know no i'm kidding yeah yeah i agree it's it but it's just also
weird how we're finding
out things that are even crazier and crazier like right now they're doing a lot
of deep sea exploration
and the things at the bottom of the ocean are just like what is this you saw
that deep staria thing
the the jellyfish that looks like a lava lamp yes so it's just like what is
this pull pull up that
fucking thing yeah deep staria yeah there's a that's a that's one of the more
amazing things
about the bottom of the ocean right is a bioluminescence we see oh yeah these
creatures
that have a light source they give off light well there's also dragonfish use a
red light source
because red doesn't show off show up for others so they can see with it but no
one else can it's like
night vision oh yeah this is the one crazy you saw this yeah this is just
amazing oh it's so cool
and this is so pretty what's amazing is how they're freaking out the scientists
are watching it they're
like what is going on oh i love this thing look at that thing and it's also has
a parasite on it
or a symbiotic relationship there's a copepod living inside resident isopod
yeah is that what
that is yeah oh look how pretty that is now this thing has never seen light for
millions of years
it's the bottom of the sea so the fact that it knows how to react is or is
having a reaction is is
uh um uh pretty cool just the fact that that's a real thing that exists if we
found that on a planet
somewhere we would freak out this is the overlord this is the overmind of the
planet and it's in a
gelatinous form and it communicates to you with vibrations this is why um my
autism wouldn't let
me watch star trek as a kid because i knew about all this stuff and then i'm
watching star trek and
they're going to another planet it's like a guy with a blue face and i'm just
like this makes
it's stupid it's just a guy it's just a guy whereas look at earth look at this
right look at
an octopus yeah look at that you've seen the video of the octopus taking out
the seagull oh yeah what
about the blanket octopus but what's interesting though is they saved an eagle
an octopus took out
an eagle in vancouver yes an eagle and the fisherman pulled it ashore and
removed the octopus from the
noble eagle but a seagull they were like yeah sorry bitch that's a wrap well
they're nasty they're
thieves well they are thieves but i think that uh and they smell eagles are
thieves too we're talking
about a company that has uh raises organic chickens that lost 2.2 million
dollars in chickens to eagles
they they killed 160 000 eagles or excuse me the eagles killed 160 000 chickens
oh yeah yeah okay
so here it is the octopus a bald eagle why does that octopus hate america well
he doesn't he's in
canada huh bald eagles live in canada too they're expats they go over there to
party and to have sex
with underage eagles they were draft dodgers yeah for sure there's no rules up
there in that wild land to
the north but look at that they decided to save the thing isn't that weird oh
my god wow if you're
going to save it i think you should eat the octopus too because you win yeah
the crew estimate the
octopus could have been as large as 4.5 feet good everybody gets to eat yeah
that's that's a lot of
let it go don't let it go there's plenty of them things jack that get lunch it's
only got a year
long lifespan anyway does it oh yeah you know the octopus life cycle that big
oh yeah it only lives a
year yeah oh i definitely would have eaten it then yeah zero remorse zero fucks
i would have been zero
remorseful if i found it only lived a year yeah like look at him he's got to be
11 and a half and
they don't really feel pain they can cannibalize themselves well they let their
arms go when the
female octopus tries to eat them yeah yeah female octopuses this is one of my
favorite parts about the
the animal kingdom they pretend sometimes that they want to have sex with a
male octopus then they just
jack them and eat them what about the cuttlefish where they pretend to be
female so they oh yeah get laid
yeah they're like beta males that are male feminists yeah they pretend to be
something
they're female they pretend to be female and then they the females female
mannerisms and characteristics
just like these beta males and they sneak up next to them as an ally it's like
they get their rocks off
it's like every washington post reporter in mollusk form you said that not me
well you're the
one who said that farmers are parasites but you do have uh you have an excuse
because you claimed autism
which is a good move yeah that's why you should listen to me about climate
change also yeah you're
already right i was saying that earlier first podcast that a friend of mine who
actually used
to work with autistic kids thinks that girl is autistic she is autistic she
says it's on her twitter bio
oh well there you go yeah i didn't know that's how little i'm paying attention
to the news these
days yeah yeah i'm so happy so we should definitely listen to the 16 year old
college high school dropout
about science so she is autistic it says that on her it says i am autistic yeah
asperger's which is not
a diagnosis anymore i am autistic plus how dare you yeah 17 year old climate
change environmental
activist with asperger's oh was that always there with asperger's yes really so
my most successful
tweet ever was i said there's how many tweets how many excuse me how many
followers did you have jamie
on