Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1409 - Joey Diaz
Uploaded: 2020-01-14T04:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1409 - Joey Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1409 - Joey Diaz' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-14. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1409 - Joey Diaz

Get that picture of that fucking monkey I sent you this morning for breakfast.
What's that?
Who sends you those type of pictures anymore?
What? Oh, the picture you sent me? Yeah.
That girl's lovely private parts.
Oh.
That's the best name for a vagina, a monkey.
I send them to everybody, too.
Presidents of corporations, cops, on Monday.
Happy Monday.
You make their day.
Everybody's day is a lot better.
Start the day on the right foot.
Especially presidents of corporations.
Can you imagine if you had to work in a fucking office for your whole life,
as old as we are now, if we were in an office since the time we were like 23,
24 years old,
right out of school, just every day, buttoned down,
trying not to say anything that's going to get you in trouble,
just trying to fucking make it to 5 o'clock,
and then immediately go to a bar and talk shit with your friends,
and then do it all over again on Monday.
I time it so I know you're in a meeting.
I know that you're in a meeting with eight white dudes,
and they're real serious about, you know, numbers have to be, have statistics,
and all of a sudden your phone rings, you fucking open it up,
and it's a picture of a woman's vagina,
and it breaks up the whole morning.
You're like, thank God Joey Diaz exists,
because he understands what I'm going through.
That's tough.
That's tough.
Going to sales meetings.
I used to go to sales meetings, and they'd talk about,
dog, do you know I went to Anthony Robbins' things?
Did you?
When I was a burglar, I went to Anthony Robbins' things.
Did you be a better burglar?
No, and I ended up kidnapping a motherfucker.
He focused me.
I walked on the coals.
I was all in with Anthony Robbins.
You do know that.
You walked on the coals?
You do know that.
Really?
Because I worked for a Subaru dealership,
so Subaru paid for you to go to Anthony Robbins' seminars.
So they would give me like three bills for the day for per diem.
I would go to Denver and do the Anthony Robbins' seminar.
Dude, you should be a Subaru spokesperson.
Who's more loyal to Subaru than you?
Nobody.
You fucking love Subarus.
Love them.
Love them.
I just cannot.
Because you lived in Boulder.
I lived in Aspen.
Yes.
And I saw vans.
I saw every type of high-level car spin around.
And you just lose control.
Did you ever lose control in Colorado?
I didn't, but I did in Boston a bunch of times.
It wasn't fun for her.
It's not.
Whenever you're driving in snow, it's touch and go.
You could get patches of ice.
And in Colorado at night, you got a thing called black ice.
And, you know, I remember being, I worked at the Crestwood.
I was security, and I had to pick people up at the airport at night.
And I fucking did everything I could to get out of that job.
Because one night, I was in a van with people doing the speed limit, no alcohol,
you know me.
And I just hit black ice, and the thing started spinning.
And you don't know where you're going to land.
You have no idea.
I was with McGuire once.
Chris McGuire and I were on our way to the airport in Ohio.
And we crossed over a bridge, and the bridge is where you get it, because there's
no ground underneath it.
So things freeze quicker.
We went over this bridge and just, weee, just got lucky.
Nothing happened.
We both went, all right.
You know, it stopped where we were facing the wrong way, but there was no one
on the road, because it was early.
We were headed back to the airport.
And we just got packing wine, and just like, okay, I remember this.
I remember this.
Like, all of a sudden, you got no power.
You know, I love German technology.
I love the look of a lot of sport cars and everything like that.
But when I, there's been nights, I've been, 10 years ago, I had a gig in Irvine.
And it was raining.
One of those January in California, just coming down.
I mean, you couldn't see in front of you.
And cars are pulled over, and I'm doing 75 in a Subaru.
Why is a Subaru so good at that?
Like, what is the big deal about Subarus?
When I first started with, like, I had never sold a car before.
I was a detailer, and I became friends with a guy at Subaru.
And he would bust my balls every day.
His name was Peter Pinto from Florida.
Peter Pinto.
He was a little guy.
What are you doing?
From Florida, he went all the way up to Colorado?
Colorado to sell cars, and he became a man.
And I got, I was properly introduced.
In those days, they gave you 1,500 bucks the first month, and they trained you
for two weeks on cars.
I knew nothing about the car.
Like, when you had that car and the axle fell off, you got rid of it.
Because you're not a car guy.
You're not going to get up on Saturdays and go to the store and find the piece
from the 1966 converter.
It's just some people have that as a hobby.
Those guys love that shit.
Tim Allen, Jay Leno, Gabriel.
I love them for that.
I don't have that gift.
So when I was introduced to the Subaru, I'm like, yeah, whatever.
It's just another fucking car.
And then I saw snowstorms, and I saw how people reacted to Subarus.
In Boulder, it's either Subaru or a fucking 4Runner.
Yeah.
That's it.
I'm telling you, that's it.
So, you know, once the snow drops, that September snowstorm, it's Subaru.
Subaru's the first car that has an engine sideways.
The engine isn't in, like, usual cars.
That was the secret about Subaru.
The engine's sideways.
I've seen a few engines like that, right?
What do they call that?
Inline?
Inline.
Is that what it is?
Something like that.
No, inline is straight, right?
That's like a BMW.
They have a word for it.
Subaru technology started there.
And then when I started selling Subarus, I had a GL10 that I was really
impressed with.
Because what it let you do is, if you went up Lee Hill Road, okay, and you made
the left to go down into your property,
and there was snow, you could press a button, and the shock absorbers would
fill up.
Oh.
And your car would rise above, so you could go through the snow.
So all those little things.
The only nine...
They had that way back then?
1988, 89, the GL10s.
The only knock Subaru had was that if you had a stick, you couldn't keep your
hand on it.
You couldn't keep your hand on the stick.
Right, so if I'm driving a stick, boom, I'm in two, two, I'm in three, I got to
keep my hand off it.
I could only, the clutch cable, that was the only knock they had.
So the clutch cable would break?
It would break if you kept your hand on it too long.
Oh, I had one of those break on me once.
Yeah, so you have to go one, then two, then three, then four.
I had it actually break on me twice.
Once I got stuck in second gear, and I managed to drive to a parking lot and
get towed.
That was in, I had a 2005 or something like that, 2004, 2005 Porsche.
It just kept breaking.
And the thing that kept breaking was that thing with the clutch and also the
fuel pump.
See, that was a GL10 sedan.
I'm talking about the wagon, the dude-it-up wagon.
It was just a brilliant automobile.
And then I started selling Toyotas.
Those things are still on the road, dude.
They're still on the road, guys.
And this is what I'm saying about the American dollar.
I like the Subaru because I respect what they do with the American dollar.
What do they do?
They give you a dollar's worth for a dollar.
Oh, right, right.
They really do.
For the American who's really looking for a fucking car to last.
I've gone into Douglas Toyota and have seen trucks with a half a million miles
on them, on a Toyota truck.
That says a lot.
When you're an American and you're a construction guy and, you know, you're
putting in bids and blah, blah, blah.
Do you know Matt Farah?
Do I know him?
From the Smoking Tire.
Do you know that dude?
No.
He's a big fan of yours.
He loves comedy.
He's got this great YouTube channel.
It's all about cars.
And they had a car, a Lexus, that they took to a million miles.
He had a million mile Lexus.
Now, who makes Lexus at the end of the day?
Toyota.
What the fuck are we talking about?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
So when you...
I've had three Lexuses over the course of my life.
Never had a single problem.
Zero problems.
They just work.
They just work.
They always work.
They just work.
All cars are so amazing now.
It's like the bar is set so high that if you just get like a...
Like if you get a Mustang GT, just a Mustang GT today, which is like very
reasonable.
Like I think a Ford Mustang GT...
Tell me how much one of those fucking things cost.
But it's got performance that you couldn't even imagine 20 years ago.
And it's probably under $50,000.
It's probably $40,000.
How much of those?
It starts at $26,000.
$26,000.
$26,000?
Is that for the regular Mustang or the GT?
I typed in GT, but it says regular.
Okay.
So that's the...
I think the regular one might have a six-cylinder.
I'm not sure.
I think they still do that.
I might be wrong about that.
Premium Fastback starts at $39,000.
Okay.
And that's the one with the V8, right?
That's the Coyote V8.
It's a five-liter V8.
It's fucking wicked powerful.
Like 460 horsepower.
I mean, the power that you get with $40,000, $45,000 today,
it's just insane.
They keep getting better and better and better.
It's like, where are they going to go with these fucking things?
And the leases are great.
Oh, yeah.
The leases are great.
The deals they're giving you now, I mean,
a buddy of mine just bought a car and he got a point and a half,
whatever, interest rate, whatever, you know,
for a point and a half mediocre credit.
It's a time to buy a car.
Yeah.
And you can get whatever the fuck you want.
I usually release...
All cars are good now.
That's the thing.
It's like, you can't make a shitty car anymore.
Like, America went through a time period where we just made dog shit cars.
And everybody knew that they broke.
And everybody was like,
look, if you buy American cars,
you're going to buy something that's going to cost the same amount,
but it's not going to last as long.
And the Japanese just took it to Germans.
They just took it over.
They took it over.
And then Lee Iacocca brought it back with the K car.
You know what's the most hilarious country, though, for cars?
My people.
The Italians.
Don't get me started.
They never made a single car that's reliable.
Don't even get me started.
Remember we had the conversation about my buddy who had the Italian car?
He went crazy.
I'm going to keep it in my roots.
The car is still in his garage, bro.
Rusty.
Fucking the Bugatti or whatever the fuck.
Apparently the new ones you can drive.
Like a new one, they're actually reliable.
For two weeks.
No, no, no.
The new ones, apparently.
It's like everything else.
They got to a point where they just had to have better electronics.
Do you remember the Triumph?
Yes, I do.
The Triumph.
We grew up on the Triumph, the Thing by Volkswagen.
I don't remember that one.
The Thing by Volkswagen.
Was that their little van thing?
It was a little van thing.
There's like 10 left.
If you got a Thing, somebody will give you a million dollars.
Really?
They had a Subaru made a car called the Justy.
Oh, that's it?
That's the thing.
Subaru made a car called the Justy, a three-cylinder.
Look at that thing.
Just to compete with Hyundai.
When Hyundai came out with the Muttmobile in 87, Hyundai changed the game.
Hyundai came out with the Astana or whatever that little four-door car is.
160, you know, 150 down, 150 a month, busted the car industry.
Subaru had to compete.
Everybody had to drop to those tin cans just to compete.
There was a lot of people driving those Hyundais when they first came out.
Fuck it.
Because they were so cheap.
A buddy of mine got one.
150, 150 a month, you know, all day long.
A buddy of mine got one that I used to drive, deliver papers with, and he was
telling me,
he's like, look, look, these fucking Koreans, man, when they get into something,
they know
what they're doing.
Like, if they're going to jump into the car market, that's a disciplined group
of people.
If they're going to jump into the car market, they're going to make a badass
car.
Well, listen.
They're 