Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1426 - Justin Martindale
Uploaded: 2020-02-12T20:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1426 - Justin Martindale' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1426 - Justin Martindale' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-12. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1426 - Justin Martindale

I'm not supposed to smoke in my building, so.
They don't let you smoke weed in your building?
What kind of fucking archaic building?
Because it's legal.
Oh, that makes sense.
We can't do things that are legal anymore.
But you can smoke cigarettes in your building, right?
No, no, no.
No?
No.
Oh, you have a smoke-free building?
Yeah.
Health conscious?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I get that kind of, if you say no cigarettes, you kind of have to say no
weed, too.
But cigarette smoke stays, like, that gets in the walls and in the fabrics and
all that stuff.
Like, the weed just kind of...
For us.
Right.
But I think other people that don't smoke weed, they smell it.
Yeah, and those people need to get out of California.
I mean, you smell it everywhere you go now.
I know.
I'm so numb to it.
Everywhere.
It makes me laugh when I can see a tourist.
They're just like, oh, oh, oh.
And I'm like, this is...
It's so funny.
It's so funny.
My wife kind of gets that way, and she smokes weed.
It's funny.
But, like, when we're with the kids, if we go somewhere, she's like, oh, lovely.
Like, she'll smell it.
Like, women are so funny.
Like, when they have kids, all of a sudden, they get, like, real protective of
everything.
They want to...
That's where conservative...
Mama bear.
People...
Yep, yep, yep.
They want to protect that dent.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Lovely.
Out in public.
I was doing it an hour ago.
Yeah.
It always makes me laugh when it's in the morning, and you're like, shit, it's
like 9 a.m.
And someone's just smoking a blunt outside of brunch.
Well, yoga, there's this one dude that I go to yoga with, this old fella, and
he has a van.
And he parks his van right next to the yoga place, and he gets fucking blasted.
Just hotbox?
Blasted.
It's like a Cheech and Chong movie.
He opens up that van and climbs into yoga class.
You could see him just whacked out in class sometimes, too.
Hotbox yoga?
Yeah, you could see him in class just like, he's in the middle of doing his
yoga and like
freaking out, like...
I saw a guy in the steam room at the gym doing that.
He was just like...
And I was like, should I call someone?
Well, he could be on anything.
The steam room at the gym is a dangerous area.
Like, people are half naked and they get weird.
Yeah, that steam makes you do crazy things.
I just close my eyes and just meditate.
And try not to pay attention to the sounds going on.
Also, like, everybody, just like, you're just sitting there, right?
So people get anxious.
They get antsy just sitting there.
And then you get, like, those really aggressive breathers who are just like, oh,
and you're
like, was that a climax?
What was that?
That's annoying.
Oh, by the way, hold on before I get...
Speaking of climax.
Speaking of climax, five years ago, I came and did your podcast.
Was it that long ago?
It was five years ago, yeah.
That's crazy.
It was up and coming.
God damn, it takes a long time to live life.
Out of a tool shed.
Yeah, we were not far from here.
Here we are.
What do you got?
That was last Valentine's Day.
Aw, sweetie.
I got you some Valentine's Day candy.
Oh, hearts.
Because I feel like we have a running theme here, so...
Was it Valentine's Day last time, too?
Yeah.
No shit.
It was.
Wow.
So this is the week of Valentine's, so I get it.
To Joe from Justin.
Yep.
So sweet.
You know, I'm getting more candy in your life.
These are weird candies, right?
Because they only sell them because they're in the heart shape.
Yeah.
Right?
If they were stars, people are like, what the fuck kind of bullshit candy is
that?
Yeah.
And they're probably filled with cyanide and horrible things for your body.
I don't think so.
So enjoy.
I don't think so, because they want to sell more.
Yeah.
Just a good old-fashioned mess.
Dude, did you see that fucking video of China where they're spraying disinfectant
in the streets?
No.
To try to kill the coronavirus?
Jamie, it's on my...
Is that bullshit?
But they do that shit in Arkansas.
Some of it's bullshit.
Some of them are real, but some of them, I think, are not accurate videos.
I don't know.
I've seen it in a couple different spots online.
I've seen it, too.
I've seen various ones.
Some of them look a little more egregious.
Let's pretend we're ignorant and we don't know any better.
But watch the video, because it's fucking bonkers, man.
They're driving through the streets, spraying everything at street level.
The thing I saw going around before, which is you didn't...
They were spraying with drones.
They were using drones to actually do it.
Oh, I didn't see that.
And they're flying around people.
It begins.
Oh, my God.
But see, they do that in the south with mosquitoes.
Yes.
So it's kind of like that.
Fucking terrible for you, too, by the way.
If you breathe that shit in, if it kills mosquitoes, it'll kill you, too.
That fucking stuff is awful, man.
All of our relatives are like, go play outside.
We're like, is this safe?
And they're like, yeah.
It's just off.
Dude, you know, let's watch this real quick.
I got a minute.
Oh, fine.
It's on my Twitter.
Oh, yeah.
Also, along with my man, Eddie Izzard, is running 28 marathons in 28 days in 28
countries.
Good God.
All through the month of February.
God.
All in drag.
I have socks on my floor.
So look at this.
Look how crazy this is, man.
Yeah, this is nuts.
These fucking people, they're spraying shit out of cars.
They're walking on the streets spraying buildings.
It's all disinfectant.
Apparently, this coronavirus, they say, can live outside of a host for three
days.
So if you have, like, coronavirus on your hand, you touch a railing, that shit
will exist
outside of your body for three days, which is very unusual.
That's like some parasite shit.
Well, this is what these doctors have been saying forever.
The one that died?
That's one of them.
But the doctors that studied at the CDC, Duncan and I went to the CDC down in
Galveston, I think it is.
And we were talking with these infectious disease experts, and we were all
conspiracy theory-like.
We were like, you know, like, we were worried about, like, man-made viruses.
And he goes, listen, you don't have to worry about man-made viruses.
He goes, these motherfuckers are making them.
They're mutating.
He didn't use the term motherfucker.
Well, right, well, he wanted to.
Probably did.
But he was saying, they make themselves, and they happen all the time, and we
barely can
keep up with them, and it just takes one big, giant one, like the Spanish flu.
The crazy thing, the Spanish flu was 1920, and this is 2020.
So, like, every hundred years.
Yeah, and I want to say before that was, what, like, yellow fever or something?
There's probably some shit in the 1820s.
Yeah, like, down in the south, like the Carolinas and Georgia.
Find out what was the pandemic in the 1820s.
Oh, here's the drones.
Jesus.
Army of drones deployed across China dispensed disinfectant.
See, here's why I call that bullshit on that.
How much fucking disinfectant can they carry in that little bullshit-ass drone?
That ain't gonna kill.
You know what I mean?
They're so little.
That ain't gonna kill.
They can go refill.
And I love how it says army of drones.
There's, like, three.
It's a bullshit-ass army.
Calm down.
The thing, them driving through the streets freaked me out more than anything.
Yeah, that's intense.
It is intense.
That's just, like, a fog.
Oh, the other thing, too, which was scary, I think it was real.
There was a drone that followed a woman out of her house.
She didn't have a mask on.
And it was like, ma'am, you don't have a mask.
Please go home.
Go home.
You don't have...
And it followed her home.
In China?
Yeah.
Like that, I can't translate, so I don't know if what it was saying was if
someone just
made a video to be scary, but...
This shit really is like a movie.
It is.
It's totally a movie.
Because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses.
Right.
They say kids are starving to death because they're locked in their houses and
their parents
are in the hospital.
They just had, like, another...
I think I got a notification last night that said there was, like, a guy in San
Diego that's
being treated.
And I'm like, God...
Yeah.
It's just a matter of time.
Just let me do the Rogan podcast before I get coronavirus, you know?
I'm here, and neither of us have it, I think.
They say you're supposed to wash your hands a lot, but that was before they
realized that
it's transmitted through the air.
So I don't think that helps.
What's going on?
This is the lady?
This drone is speaking to you.
Could you imagine?
She has no idea what's going on.
She's so high.
You shouldn't walk without wearing a mask.
Yes, you better be home.
Don't forget to wash your hands.
She's got blue hair.
See, this could also see someone fucking around and make a scary video.
Maybe.
But it also could be real.
Now a drone is...
It could be real.
Yeah, I don't know.
Why did you come outside without a mask?
Hmm.
The snow will melt itself in a few months.
What?
A few months.
Is that a haiku?
What is this?
Stay at home with food and drinks.
Why do you always come outside?
You could sort of...
This might be bullshit, but it might be real.
I'm not feeling good about it.
It scares me, man.
It is.
It's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people
before
they can get a handle on it.
I had it...
I was on a plane a couple weeks ago flying from New Orleans back here, and I
had this Viking
woman behind me just open mouth coughing, and I was like, first of all, no.
Yeah.
Second of all, I had to turn around and say, hey, can you please cover your
mouth?
And I had to do that to an adult woman, and it made me feel weird.
Some people are just fucking selfish.
Just bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, on a plane.
Some people, they just don't care.
They're just selfish.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They don't even care that other people feel uncomfortable.
They're just like, I have to cough.
Yeah, and you're going to all experience it.
Yeah.
Some people, if they're sick, they want you to be sick.
They don't...
They're not happy.
Malicious.
Fucking assholes.
And malignant.
Assholes.
Mm-hmm.
I'm worried.
Don't be.
You know what I've been worried a lot about lately is glyphosate.
I've been reading into glyphosate.
Same.
What is that?
You can't just glyphosate me.
What is that?
Roundup.
It's a chemical that they use for pesticide.
Oh.
For agriculture.
And I was reading this whole thing about glyphosate and how toxic it is and how
many people have
gotten cancer from glyphosate and how often they use glyphosate on vegetables.
Yeah.
I'm like, motherfucker.
That's why you have to wash your vegetables.
I don't think you want...
Yeah, it's all in there anyways.
Here it is.
As many as 85,000 glyphosate cancer lawsuits, significantly closer to
settlement.
After federal trial suspended.
Yeah.
There's a lot of motherfuckers that got cancer from this shit.
That's the roundup.
That's the weed thing, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Kills your weeds.
I think it kills pesticides.
It's weed and...
What does it say there?
Scroll down.
Scroll back up there.
No, the actual image of glyphosate.
Oh, God damn it.
These pop-ups.
What does it say?
It says weed and grass killer.
Okay.
So it's not a pesticide.
It's just for weeds.
Yeah.
But I bet it kills pests, too.
Oh, it kills everything.
But apparently a lot of people that are gardeners and that are working on golf
courses, golf courses
apparently, get it a lot because they spray that shit everywhere because they
want everything
to just be grass.
But does it leave like a brown spot?
No.
I don't know how the fuck it kills the weeds and doesn't kill the grass.
Yeah, that is bizarre.
I'm Googling, too.
There are other stories that are going around, but...
EPA reaffirms that glyphosate does not cause cancer.
Don't worry, folks.
Just drink it.
There was a guy...
Oh, yeah.
Remember that?
Just drink it.
There was a guy at a press conference.
He was saying, I could drink this glass of glyphosate and it wouldn't do me any
harm.
Some guy goes, drink it.
And he didn't.
H