Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1449 Bryan Callen
Uploaded: 2020-03-27T19:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1449 Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1449 Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-27. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1449   Bryan Callen

Yee-haw!
Here we are.
Are you a shooter?
Well, dude, my ears are covered for the second time today.
I'm just going to say that.
And I'm a...
Ask me that day and ask me if...
Are you a shooter?
That's funny.
I'm a tactical shooter, bro.
I'm a tactical shooter.
So you ever done...
We went to Tarrant Tactical today and Brian Cowan learned the ins and outs.
Learned how to lean forward.
Had some Navy SEAL instruction as well.
Yeah.
How to hold a pistol correctly.
Yeah.
How'd you feel?
I love it.
Fun, right?
I've been doing it in my head forever.
Oh, in your head.
Yeah.
That doesn't really work, does it?
I've rehearsed killing a gang many times.
A whole gang?
Sure.
Lean in.
Kick, kick, kick.
And I go like this.
Why don't you shoot them in the knee and rehabilitate them?
Oh, that's such a good idea.
Because they don't have knee targets.
If they had just a bunch of knees...
But they have little tiny targets on the ground.
Which I don't like.
Because I'm like, what am I shooting, babies?
I was going to say, they're the size of a toddler.
Yeah, that's weird.
I'm like, all right, so I've got to kill the toddler with one shot.
A kid with a missile.
Yeah, I was pretty accurate with that.
That's kind of sick.
But yeah, that's a good idea.
I could either waste them or wing them.
I wing them.
And then take them in and teach them the error of their ways.
Yeah.
And at the end, they'll be loyal to you.
I toss them an herbal remedy, an herbal rap.
Like Steven Seagal had in that one movie where he was in a coma for like 10
years.
Yes, yes, yes.
And then he was kicking everybody's ass a couple days later.
I don't care what anybody says, that shit was factual.
Do you remember that movie?
Very well.
It's called Above the Law.
No, no, no.
You're way out of line.
No, Above the Law was the first movie.
Yeah.
This was deep into his career.
He's in a coma.
Kelly LeBrock is the nurse.
Yeah, he'd already gotten fat by this time.
Oh, he had.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's where he ran terribly.
He always runs terribly.
Yeah.
But in the early movies, he was skinny.
And Above the Law, he was skinny.
Yeah.
But then by the time he got to this other movie where he's in a coma forever,
like, look at
his fingers moving.
He's waking up.
Oh, look at an awesome beard.
Actually, he wasn't too fat.
No.
Wasn't too fat.
He looks great there.
But he'd already, you know, started to fill in his hair.
And so then he was in a coma forever and then gets out of the coma.
I remember it very well.
And starts doing all sorts of Chinese herbs and shit to become a bad.
I'll say he was pretty skinny back then.
Yeah, he was.
So this was early in the career.
Yeah, he heals himself.
I would throw them an herbal wrap and tell them how to wrap it and then say,
training begins
tomorrow at dawn.
And then you wake them up.
Yeah.
Hey, man, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Man, fuck you.
And I'd be on horseback for no reason.
Really?
I think so.
You win horses.
Why do you always-
Because there's something very masculine-
How many bits do you have when you're on a horse?
It's my entire act.
It's my entire act.
I just have this-
There are a couple things I want to do before I die.
One is to toss somebody an herbal wrap and say, training begins tomorrow.
Or be there tomorrow and I want to rehabilitate at-risk youth.
But they're like 20.
And then I want to rear up on a horse.
I want to rear up on a horse.
But I want to appear out of nowhere, rear up on a horse and rescue a group of
women in
the wilderness.
A group of women in the wilderness?
What are they in the wilderness for?
They got lost.
Were they hikers?
They were-
Their plane went down.
Nobody got hurt, but it skidded along a glacial lake.
Their plane went down?
Yeah.
It skidded.
And they said, we can't find them.
It's impenetrable.
It's impenetrable.
And then you go in.
And they go, fuck, fetch, fetch, fetch, fetch the, uh, fuck, fetch the man panther.
The man panther?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's my nickname.
You should have a, do you know about this guy?
His name is Dick Pronakey.
And he was a guy who lived in Alaska by himself in a cabin that he built for
decades.
Yeah.
And he moved out there when he's 50 years old, he got tired of life and just
the way everything
was, the fast pace of modern life.
So this guy decided, this guy, amazing videos on YouTube.
This guy built his own house out there in Alaska, uh, fashioned it out of logs.
There's like a video of him doing the whole thing, filmed everything, filmed
all of his
interactions with animals, birds would come and land on his hand and he would
feed them.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
He was you.
He literally is you.
Slitten wood.
Stoic by himself and wrote.
You know me, stoic and real solitary.
Oh yeah.
And you know, real measured with his words.
Of course.
And, uh, it's everything you want to be.
And he would sit and every night he would write and he would write about his
experiences
and the, the deep satisfaction that he got off of living that kind of a life.
Right.
There's an amazing, some amazing videos.
Pull up one of the videos so you can watch how this guy's living his life out
there.
But, um, you know, he would only see people like once or twice a year when they
would drop
off goods and things that he needed.
But this guy was, you know, he wasn't a spring chicken.
He moved out there when he was in his fifties.
Wow.
Yeah.
And when was this?
I want to say he had to move back with his brother.
I want to say in the early 2000s, somewhere around then.
That looks like 16 millimeter film.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh dude, he lived out there for decades.
Like I said.
Wow.
Yeah.
By himself.
You've got to know your shit to be out there by yourself.
Uh huh.
Well, I think most of it he learned once he got there and he talked about it.
He talked about what the experience was like about just, you know, learning how
fatiguing
it is to hike, learning how fatiguing it is to gather up your own firewood.
And he made most of his own tools.
Like right there, he's making a mallet himself.
He drills a hole in it with a hand auger and then he makes his own peg and he
only brought
in tools to make tools and the big tools like that he made all of himself.
That's amazing.
And what did he live on?
Just deer meat?
I mean, yeah, elk meat, deer meat, berries, he got some oatmeal and stuff, you
know, some
dry goods that he would, uh, he would get in large barrels.
So he'd come in and touch base periodically.
They would come to him.
People would fly out to him with goods.
God.
But I mean, he built all this shit by himself.
He built his whole cabin by himself and he documented every step of the way.
Amazing.
His name is P-R-O-E-N-N-E-K-E.
Dick Prenicke, Alone in the Wilderness is the whole series on YouTube.
And he's on the side of a lake with this, this cabin that he built living off
of animals
that he hunted and firewood and, you know, whatever food that he gathered.
I'm, I'm obsessed with this now.
Yeah.
Cause I got this Corona thing caught me with my pants down.
I want, here's what I want.
I want a, I want a substantial cabin made of thick logs or stone.
And then I want it near a lake or a water source, maybe preferably a well.
Yeah.
That I can irrigate my own crops.
You're going to have crops?
I'm going to have chicken.
I need chickens.
You really only need a garden.
You don't need crops.
I, I, I, I, I need a garden.
Is it just you?
Yes.
Well, it might be me and my, my several, several of my friends, my lady friends,
because I'm
going to start my own colony.
So I have to breed.
You understand?
Okay.
And I need, I need a lot of hair and a beard dye.
Cause I want to stay looking young.
What if they come up with something that reverses you in age?
Now you're talking my language.
How old would you like to go back to?
David Sinclair will actually have a cabin on the side.
He'd be right next to you doing experiments.
I'm going to have his fucking lab and I'm going to be his guinea pig.
Yeah.
You'd be the guy.
Yeah.
David, come out, come on out.
And I'll just do Tyson.
I'll entice him with all the girls.
He, well, he's not into that.
He's a married man.
Leave him alone.
All right.
But he'd like to come out just to hang out and pal around for a few days.
He's a fun guy.
He seems like a good guy.
He's a great guy.
Yeah.
And he's brilliant.
And he's brilliant in the field.
That's very important.
He's, what do you mean?
You're getting old.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's right.
You want to be Dick Prenicke where you had to escape your, your wilderness
paradise?
Again, again, I, again, there are a couple of things.
One more thing I want to do is I want to split with my shirt off while I have
women watch me through the window of my log cabin as they're baking me a pie.
Now, I know this is a chauvinistic fantasy.
It sounds like it.
Don't worry.
You sound like a real piece of shit right now.
Then the other thing I want to do before I die is I want to have a horse I'm so
attached to that I can go, and then it just shows up.
Oh.
Sort of like Brad Pitt's Pitbull in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood?
Correct.
I'd kill for one of those.
That Pitbull was perfect.
That was fucking great.
That thing just fucking.
It knew what to do.
When to do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They don't use, the cops I heard don't use Mastiffs, even Rottweilers because
they do too much damage.
They don't like to let go.
Yeah.
They don't like to let go.
Then you got a major lawsuit on your hand.
You can't have something bite your fucking hand.
Well, I was watching a fucking video of a guy in San Diego who got arrested by
these cops, and the cops couldn't get the German Shepherd off his arm.
The German Shepherd's clamped down this guy's forearm.
This guy's screaming, and they're pulling on the dog, and the dog's pulling on
the meat of his arm.
You don't choke the dog.
You don't pull on the dog.
Bro, they weren't interested in choking the dog.
Apparently, they thought this guy was a bad person, and they were letting this
dog chew this guy's arm up, and you get permanent nerve damage.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's just devastating to the tissue in your forearm.
I've seen video of it where I said to the cop, showed it to me.
I said, why didn't that guy who's this giant AWOL, he went AWOL, just giant, he
used to be a special forces guy, and he just went crazy.
And they let that dog loose on, because they had two cops that he was fighting
off, and they let this wolf, this fucking wolf loose, and grabbed the dude on
the top of his arm.
He had huge arms, like Brennan Schaub, like big arms.
Grabbed the guy, and the guy just, in the middle of his craze, he looked at the
dog, and then just went, he froze and went down.
And I said, why isn't he punching?
And he goes, because you shut down.
Because when he bit that arm, that arm went numb.
You can't use that arm.
That's a fucking wolf.
The pain.
The excruciating pain of a German Shepherd biting into your arm.
Yeah.
Not good.
Or a real wolf.
Well, now you've got a problem.
You can't train them.
Now you've got yourself a problem.
Of course.
They're not interested in listening.
They're not interested in listening.
Good luck getting a wolf to attack.
I'll tell you who's not hearing a fucking peep out of a wolf, and I'm talking
about a timber wolf.
Not a peep.
Who?
It's Mr. Mountain Lion.
Okay?
Mr. Mountain Lion.
I wonder how that works, Mountain Lion versus a wolf.
I'll tell you exactly how.
Ready?
Yeah.
The wolf dies.
Really?
That's right.
Have you seen it?
There's a video of it, first of all.
Really?
Yep.
Mountain Lion versus a wolf.
Mm-hmm.
Mountain Lion's on his back, by the way.
Wolf tries to get over it, and Mountain Lion gets under the old jawline.
Oh, gets the neck.
Yeah, and by the way, God holds on with those...
Claws.
That's right.
They have claws.
Yeah, and it's more athletic.
It's 150-pound, 140-pound, 130-pound mountain lion.
Good luck with that.
And they fight solo.
They don't need a bunch of pussies backing you up.
Dude, and they go low.
They go fucking low.
Like a lion.
There's no...
And there's no sound.
There's a 