Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons
Uploaded: 2020-04-02T19:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-02. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Gregory, how are you holding it up?
I am holding it up.
Although, not as much as I would like to be holding it up.
Like, I think that's a lot.
People are talking about all the different constraints of this pandemic.
Masturbation has gone by the wayside for a lot of people.
If you live in a two-bedroom apartment and you've got two kids, you know.
You're going to have to jerk off while you're shitting.
That's the only time you have.
That's a lot of toilet paper you're wasting.
Bring your phone in there with you.
Set up some U-Porn on the ledge.
Yeah, right.
And you've got to land it just right.
You've got to let it squirt and then come down between your legs into the water.
You've got to point down.
You've got to hurt yourself.
You've got to go overhand.
Yeah, like you're going deep into third gear.
I've got to hurst.
Hurst.
Yeah, that's the thing.
And I've never been a shower guy.
And especially now that I'm 54 on Wednesday.
You're a bath guy?
I'm a bath guy.
No, I meant for jerking off.
I remember jerking off in the bath once and it just floated.
It's fucking egg-dropped soup.
Floated around.
It's terrible.
Who ought to egg-dropped jizzle?
It's fucking floating.
It's cooking, right?
I remember once I was at my brother-in-law's apartment in New York.
It was in New York City.
And we played midnight hockey in Central Park.
He played in this league.
And you go out.
It was fucking February.
It was like 20 degrees out.
And we played hockey for an hour and a half in Central Park.
You know, they have rinks out there.
Right.
Woolman Rink.
And we come back.
And I was out of shape.
But this guy's like a hockey fanatic.
So I wanted to do it.
So I come back.
And I was like, I got to take a bath.
So I go into the bath.
And they're fucking slobs.
It's three brothers living together in an apartment.
So I go in the bathroom.
And I fill it up.
I get in.
And I'm laying there.
And I'm fucking chilling out.
I'm like, oh, this feels so good.
And then I see this egg-dropped soup.
And I realize, like, they all jerk off in the shower.
And it was just floating.
And I was like, ah.
And I just, like, jumped up.
I fucking showered for, like, 45 minutes.
It's so weird that we're more terrified of jizz than virtually any other body
part.
Like, if I had a choice between a guy jizzing on my pants or peeing on my pants,
I'd say peeing all day.
Oh, yeah.
Right?
Absolutely.
But isn't that hilarious?
Isn't that weird?
It's like we've decided that one fluid coming out of the dick is associated
with pleasure.
Male pleasure.
Dirty men trying to cum.
And, like, to have that on you is like he got you.
That guy got you with his seed.
Yeah.
Right.
Right.
He owns you.
Pee, you're just an idiot.
Why are you peeing on me, man?
Yeah.
My friends have peed on me.
It's happened.
You know?
If you're out in the woods.
We were out in the woods and we were at a, uh, we were at a fort.
We had this fort when we were teenagers.
We were like 13 and we were already drinking and smoking a lot of pot when we
were like 13.
And, uh, we were in this fort and we all got shit-faced.
And then my friend just pulled his dick out and he started peeing on all of us.
And I remember having to go home that night.
Like, my jeans were drenched in piss.
It wasn't even mine.
Of course, my mother thought it was me.
God.
That really is the difference between men and women.
Girls don't go out and pee on each other, do they?
No.
No.
They rarely go in the woods by themselves anyway.
Right.
Right?
Just a group of girls in the woods?
That's a horror movie.
You're not supposed to do that.
Yeah.
Girls.
A group of guys in the woods, that's normal shit.
Right.
A group of girls in the woods is like, what are you girls doing on here?
You gotta, do you have a gun?
Yeah.
You can't just be in the woods.
Yeah.
Isn't it weird that the woods make everything scarier?
Everything.
It's like where all the grim fairy tales start, right?
Well, it's all wolves would eat people in the woods.
Yeah, right.
That's what it was.
Yeah.
That's where all the Little Red Riding Hood, like,
we don't have to deal with that anymore.
So we kind of forgot what can happen.
Yeah.
Wolves don't play by any rules.
They'll eat your kids.
Yeah.
For sure.
Oh, yeah.
And people used to have to deal with that until they wiped them out.
I'm not an anti-wolf guy.
Don't get me wrong.
But that's what those fears are all about.
Right.
Going through the woods at night and monsters are hiding and they're trying to
get you.
Yeah.
Everything's scarier in the woods.
We've escaped the woods.
We've got some nice hard surfaces and some streetlights.
I feel pretty good about it.
I feel like we're fucking holding our ground here.
But every now and then, a coyote will run across Burbank Boulevard.
That's right.
Every now and then, a coyote is on Olive Street, just looking around, trying to
see what kind
of action it can get in this part of town.
Those fucking creeps.
It's like the Roadrunner.
It's like, yeah, the fucking coyote, man.
Watch out.
He's got some Acme shit.
Except in the Roadrunner, the coyote never wins.
Yeah.
In real life, they always win.
Of course.
They win every time.
They beat me.
They killed all my chickens, dude.
All of them.
They got them all.
This was here?
Yeah.
Wow.
They killed.
You had fencing?
Yes.
They got in.
They broke into the chicken coop.
They killed nine chickens.
The last remaining nine chickens.
They plucked them off one at a time.
Damn.
Yeah, with help from my dog at one point in time, my Mastiff became friends
with a coyote.
And he's way bigger than them.
So they used him to break into the chicken coop.
So he broke into the chicken coop, and the coyotes got in the chicken coop with
the dog.
Like, they literally tricked the dog into breaking into the chicken coop.
I wonder if the Mastiff got shit from other Mastiffs.
Like, dude, you're friends with coyotes?
Well, you know, he just got tricked.
He thought they were dogs.
He thought they were his friends.
Right.
And my other dog's kind of an asshole, and they don't get along that good.
They're both gone now, unfortunately.
They were 13.
Yeah.
They both passed.
And 13 is exceptionally old for a Mastiff, too.
He was really hurting at the end.
But he was the best dog.
But he just wanted to be friends with the coyote.
Yeah.
And the coyote's like, hey, man, let's kill these fucking chickens.
Yeah.
He's like, yeah, let's kill the chickens.
That's hilarious.
Peer pressure from the coyotes.
The thing that happens with chickens where they'll be convinced that they have
laid a viable
egg like they've been bred with.
It's kind of sad, really.
And they'll sit on an egg, and they pluck all their feathers out, and there's
nothing ever
happens, right?
So there's no egg ever comes and turns into a chick because they're not being
impregnated
by roosters.
Right.
Which, by the way, I didn't know until I was 40.
Okay?
And I was like, oh, yeah, of course.
Duh.
I didn't know that until I was 40.
Anyway, you have to take them out of the regular population and put them in a
smaller coop
where they have to sit up on their feet.
And you do it for a few days, and they get over it.
If you don't, they'll continue to pull their feathers out for like a whole
cycle.
And they'll do it for like 28, 30 days.
And it's not good for them.
They're pecking at their skin and shit.
So you have to separate them.
So when we separated them, we put them in a smaller coop, a little small one
where it
has to sit up for a couple of days.
And the dog just smashed that.
Just got, I mean, he's 140 pounds of solid muscle and bone.
The sweetest dog of all time, Mastiffs.
They're so sweet.
Like, he didn't want to hurt a fly.
But this coyote was his buddy.
And he was like, yeah, what a great idea.
So he smashes this little chicken coop.
And then the coyote, we're playing like fucking Clue or something.
Me and my family are sitting around playing some board game.
And we look up.
I go, a fucking coyote's got a chicken.
So the coyote's running through the backyard with a chicken in its mouth.
And I see it.
They had a fence in the backyard where the coyote jumped over that was about
five feet,
five feet, five inches maybe, something like that.
That coyote went like this, da-ding, like it was nothing.
No shit.
You can't believe how agile they are.
Yeah, their back legs are like springs.
With a chicken in its mouth, dude.
I mean, it leaped up into the air, touched the top of the five foot thing like
it was nothing.
And then bounced right over it and landed on the ground so gracefully.
Like, I had to admire it.
I mean, I know it just killed my chicken.
But I'm like, whoa, look at that thing.
But dude, when you have kids and you see those fucking things, you just go,
wait, what is stopping that from eating a baby?
Right.
Nothing!
Right.
Nothing's stopping that from eating a baby.
You leave a baby in the yard, a coyote will steal it and jump over the fence
with it.
Understand that.
Right.
Unfortunately, human beings don't leave their fucking babies by themselves.
Yeah.
But if you did.
Dude, we were in South Africa one time and we're taking a hike down to the Cape
of Good Hope, which is like the point.
It's like the western point of Africa.
And they have baboons there.
It's like a baboon fucking forest.
And so we're like, there's a park ranger there.
And we're like, should we be scared?
And he's like, you guys are fine.
But if you put your, my son at the time was about three or four.
So if you put him down, they're going to take him.
Just like that.
We're like, fuck.
Could you imagine watching your baby get snatched by a baboon, which is like a
dog monkey.
Yeah.
Right.
They're the weirdest ones.
Yeah.
Because they kind of have like a dog face almost and giant canines.
Right.
Do you know they're so smart that they train dogs?
Baboons do?
Baboons train dogs.
Oh, no shit.
They steal puppies.
They bring the puppies into their little camp and they feed them.
And that way the puppy barks whenever anything's coming near so they can go to
sleep.
Whoa.
No shit.
Dude.
And they eat babies.
Yeah.
Damn.
What?
What the fuck, man?
It's crazy video, too.
You see these baboons dragging these puppies by their tail.
Just dragging them.
And then the puppy tries to get away.
Sit the fuck down.
Just put them in the puppy.
Doesn't know what to do.
The puppy's yiping.
They give them some food.
Bro, they're like little demons.
Shit.
Trained dogs.
They're strong as shit, too.
They're super strong.
There's a really, really interesting guy out of Stanford, Professor Robert Sapolsky.
And we were really fortunate enough to get him to talk on the podcast about a
bunch of different things.
One of them being parasites that control behavior of certain animals and cats
and stuff called toxoplasmosis.
But another thing is that he studied baboons for like a long time, like years.
He studied the same pack.
He would go back to Africa and study these same baboons over and over again.
And while he was studying them, there was a case where a really crazy thing had
happened where poison food had gotten into the dump.
And these baboons had eaten the poison food.
And because the alphas always ate first, they got the poison food and they died
off.
Oh.
And something like that.
I hope I'm not fucking this up.
But there was some sort of a shift because of eating poison food where the
really aggressive males were gone.
And then the males just started like grooming each other and hanging out.
It was like the hairstylists won.
I mean, it's really crazy.
It's like the baboons who were like more chill.
Like, hey, man, we don't have to kill babies.
Let's just go raid the dumpsters.
Those baboons survived.
And then the crazy thing is many generations later, that same behavior, the
shift in behavior was still observed.
There wasn't so much like super aggressive, angry, tooth and claw males that
are dominating everyone else.
It was more like cooperation and working with each other.
Yeah, it's crazy shit.
I know I'm butchering it.
So apologies to Profess