Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1528 - Nikki Glaser
Uploaded: 2020-08-20T19:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1528 - Nikki Glaser' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1528 - Nikki Glaser' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-20. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1528 - Nikki Glaser

three two one hello nikki hello joe rogan so i saw your tweet this is how this
all came about
and you said uh you were gonna shave your head in solidarity for a friend who
has cancer yeah
and then you're like actually there's no friend and i was like oh no yeah nikki's
going crazy
yeah i'm going off the deep end is what i was said yes the pro i think we all
are and i try
i've been trying to like check in on everybody because all of us comedians have
not had our
medicine you know this is like we're junkies we're laugh junkies we really are
you know and i didn't
realize how much i mean i knew i missed it but i did one weekend in houston
like a month a month or so
ago and then right right away i was like oh my god i got my fix like i'm and
then you know talking to
all these people that are doing like mark norm's doing shows in a park yep you
know burt kreischer's
doing drive-ins i'm doing them too are you yeah i'm going out next weekend what
is it have you done
them yet no i'm terrified any stand-up well no i've done stand-up i've been
sneaking around just i mean
i did uh salt lake city i went out there in july and did wise guys because they
were doing it really
responsibly it was fine it was good it was fine i mean it felt good to be on
stage but it felt weird
like i need to be going out every night to feel really good you know it'd been
so many months that i just i need
to get get some momentum i need to work out a little bit so it felt like i was
getting my sea legs back
but i had good shows and um and the room is just it's just you they're not
seating the room like
the way comedy is supposed to be seated which is everyone bunched together as
close to the stage
as possible it's like it's the worst seated the the seating for comedy shows
now is like a terrible
club you know you go to a club and they don't know how to seat and they just
let people sit wherever
they want it's like a shitty open mic when you first started that's the way it
feels like now
because everyone has to be spread out so it's never going to feel as good as it
felt before
with a sold out crowd and no matter how good the laughs are them spread out in
a big room they didn't
spread them out too much in houston i'm going to be honest with you yeah i don't
know what they did
in houston they said it was 75 capacity when we were there and i'm like i don't
know that's what they
say i don't want to walk around with a clicker and start counting heads but
there was a lot of folks in
there no i did one gig like that in uh st louis that i felt like okay i don't i
don't feel good about
this i did it because i wanted to i was far enough from everyone to feel good
about it but i felt bad
that maybe the audience got there and was like we were sold a different yeah
idea of what this would
be because we get in there and we're seated a little bit too close but wise
guys in salt lake they
did it really like you i felt good about being there i didn't feel like anyone
was going to get
sick how many did they see it was definitely like a third capacity i mean the
guy is just struggling
to stay open and it's it's so sad but it didn't feel good all the loans are
drying up all the the
relief is drying up are there going to be comedy clubs to even go to after all
of this it's a real good
question i'm nervous it's a real good question there's going to be a lot less
and then then what
happens because a lot of bars are going under too so it's not like you're going
to be able to replace
them with bar shows because who knows how many bars are going under i know who
knows how many restaurants
are going under new york city i think it's something like 4 000 businesses are
done that is so in manhattan
crazy something i think that was the number and i read that a month and a half
ago it's got to be
more by now 4 000 i mean it's i haven't been there since before covid even
though i have an apartment
there and i just hear it's it's just i don't want to be there yeah i have a
good buddy of mine who lives
there still he's been there the whole time and he says it's a war zone he said
it's terrifying he said
first of all there's so much violence there's so much crime you you just can't
he has a friend that's
a cop as well and you know he sent me the the sheet of all the things that
happened that night and it's
just nuts like so many shootings and the shootings are off the charts so like
back to like the 1970s
times like when time square was a a junkie war zone they had it figured out for
a couple years there
yeah well i don't know what we were talking about james altercher wrote a piece
about new york city's
dead it's not coming back it's a sobering read it's in the post today or
yesterday but it's a
fucking sobering read because you read it and like it's not hyperbole
everything you're saying
makes sense yeah there's no reason for me to go back there i've been
considering going back just
just because you don't want to abandon this city that you like so much and
people that are staying
there saying like you own everyone left no thank god but i signed on for a i
signed it for elite
oh year lease that started march 1st oh yikes the most expensive apartment i
like truly paying three
times the rent that i've ever paid because i was supposed to have a really good
year because i was
going on a theater tour that you know ended so i'm i'm out um i'm out a lot of
money every month
and i'm trying to find a sublease we keep like lowering the rent i mean it's
just i'm i'm just out a
year that was a thing in alterchers piece it said that the new york city uh
rental rates have gone
down 50 percent which is crazy i was looking for an apartment in january and february
i just wish
if i would have waited a month i could have saved so much so yeah i've got an
empty place there my
assistant's just living there and it's all my stuff is just sitting there in
storage i don't know what
to do i don't know where to go at least your assistant's there yeah it's nice
someone's there but but
it's it's it's um it's supposed to be weird for her too because it's an empty
city it's like weird
moving around there yeah it is i i don't know i i don't know what you do all
day yeah because that's
the thing about living in new york is that you have a shitty a small apartment
because you're just out
doing stuff all the time now you can't do anything so you're just in a shitty
apartment so you're just
i mean my apartment's pretty nice i never got to step foot in it before but uh
apparently it's nice same
building atel lives in i guess i have had you guess you never asked him well no
well she just told me
i think i saw atel the other day so i think he's in there there was a bunch of
podcasts that i've done
about uh apocalyptic disasters and downfall of civilizations and like the mayans
and the egyptians
and you know asteroid impacts and we're right on course but no but i was i was
always looking at
those going wow it's fascinating that's fascinating but i never thought in my
life that i would see
something relatively minor in terms of like the amount of destruction it's done
but in to human
life in terms of you know it's worse than a flu but it's not like the pandemic
of 1918 or any of these
other horrific disasters that have that have happened but to see such an effect
that it has on our
civilization you go well what if there was like an asteroid impact or what if
there was a solar
flood how much worse would it be it could get a lot worse yeah i think it's i'm
so scared i've always
thought that we were gonna live to see the end did you really i do think that
why people always go why
nikki every generation thinks they're gonna live to see the end and it never
happens you know and i go
well someone's gonna be around for it there will be people here when that when
the asteroid hits when
the super volcano erupts when there's aliens land when the aliens land yeah or
when they tell us that
they've been here a while when they finally reveal that they've been here is
that what you think i don't
know what do you think i think so i think they're here yeah i think if there
was an island that had
chimps that were figuring out dynamite we'd keep a close eye on them yeah if
there's a bunch of like
advanced champ like right right now we have primates like lower primates we
have monkeys we have chimps
we have gorillas and then we have humans there's nothing in between that used
to be there right but what
if we found an island and it did have like australia pythicus and uh you know
they had you know maybe
they had spears or maybe they had some some primitive weapons and you know we
were keeping an eye on them
and someone had figured out dynamite and they would be studying them so closely
but they wouldn't stop
them in their tracks why would they stop dynamite like let them watch let's see
what happens i think they
wouldn't they're just going to watch us destroy ourselves before no i think
nuclear weapons is where
they stepped in and if you pay attention to the timeline of uh ufology if you
when you look at the ufo
history of sightings and of like the really big sightings yeah all of them came
post the manhattan
project so once they i think once we started detonating nukes they're like yo
these monkeys are lit
like what are they doing these crazy assholes they found a spot in nevada and
they're just
detonating bombs all the time to see how they work but why are they just like
kind of being seen
sometimes slipping up we see them and then sometimes they're not like why what
what's going on there
with sightings why are they messing up i don't think they are messing up they
want us to know that i don't
think they're terribly concerned about us seeing them but i don't think they
visit that often because i don't
look at like i was just reading about this uh scientific research uh it was forrest
galante
had this uh scientific research where they found this mouse that they thought
had been extinct
since 1968 is this weird sort of kangaroo like tiny rodent it has like kangaroo
legs and it bounces around
and um you know this this is something that people will go and they'll study
but they didn't find it
since 1968 so how many people are studying it not that many right right so how
many aliens there's
a little look at him it's so cute adorable look at his little anteater nose
yeah i know it's a very
and they thought that this they thought this guy was gone yeah yeah now he's
back so it says imagine a
creature the size of a rat related to an elephant with the legs of a kangaroo
that's been lost to science
since 1968 that's the somali senji an adorable elephant shrew recently
discovered in boy say that word
jibouti jibouti jibouti jibouti jibouti researchers from duke lemur center
association jibouti nature and the cow
academy found that the somali senji not only still exists but appears to be
doing well with population
numbers appearing to be quite high so but my point is like how many people were
looking for that thing
it's like a small handful of scientists or how many aliens would come here how
many oh yeah you're
right maybe a small handful yeah not that many yeah we're that little mouse
yeah yeah yeah i think so
alien i think we're probably more interesting than the mouse because obviously
we we have the ability to
manipulate matter pretty cute pretty cute adorable i could have watched that
thing yeah scamper about
all day but we we are dangerous we have the ability to destroy all life on the
planet like if if russia
shot at us and we shot at them and then china jumped in said it it's over and
everybody just started
pressing the nuke buttons this whole planet would be wiped out of life that we'd
be we'd be relegated to
bacteria right with it quickly what does it matter to them if we destroy
ourselves they need us for
something this is the question why are we so different from all the other
animals on the planet
why if you talk to evolutionary biologists there's a clear path between lower
hominids and human bein