Name: Demi Lovato on Relapsing and Being "California Sober"
Uploaded: 2021-03-27T17:10:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Demi Lovato on Relapsing and Being "California Sober"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Demi Lovato on Relapsing and Being "California Sober"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-27. Transcript available.

the Joe Rogan experience the thing that I keep going back to is like at the end
of the day
my head on my pillow do I feel good about the choices I'm making and do I stand
strong in my
beliefs yes then I'm not going to let what someone in Idaho has to say about
what I'm doing
well people want absolutes right whether it comes to recovery from drugs and
alcohol or whether it
comes from anything they don't want you to deviate from the path and they want
you to always be
helpless in the face of your addictions right this is the this is the thought
process between a lot of
the 12-step programs that you're helpless in the face of your addictions I don't
know if that's true
I have never had a drug or an alcohol addiction I've never had that kind of a
compulsion so I don't
know but what I read about you is that you think of yourself now as California
sober
all right well so part of my process now is like not defining the parameters
publicly because I don't feel like it's anybody's business but me and my
treatment team but it's a term that a lot of people use
but it's a term that a lot of people use to identify this path of moderation
with the help of some green plants
mm-hmm you know what I'm saying I do and so green is the key word mm-hmm and
and that's that's that yeah but it's it's such a loaded subject
with the help of some green plants.
You know what I'm saying?
I do.
And so green is the key word.
And that's that.
Yeah, but it's such a loaded subject
that even bringing it up,
you have to kind of guard yourself
from the way other people are going to perceive
what you're doing, right?
I'm a celebrity and I guard everything I say,
even if I'm speaking my truth,
I still have to guard it to some degree
because I'm working so hard not to offend anyone.
So it's like, yes,
but every aspect of my life is that way now.
Now, do you find that this green stuff
makes you more relaxed
in dealing with the anxieties of life?
Or like, what is...
Well, the green stuff is weed.
We'll just like...
Yeah, that's what I assumed.
Yeah, we'll just like call it what it is.
Yeah, it's something that, you know, it helps.
And it also is something that you can use
for different things.
It helped me learn how to meditate at first.
You know, it was a lot easier to smoke a little bit
and then meditate than it was to just go in
with just like the most clear mind.
It helped me build a relationship with meditation
to where I don't need it to meditate anymore.
You know, there's things, there's benefits to it.
And I think there's also just a sense of security
and knowing that even if I'm having a bad night
and I turn to that,
that's not going to kill me.
Right.
You know, I guess you get there without weed.
You can.
You totally can.
I just found that like...
Weed gets you there quicker.
Yeah, just a little bit.
And I just, yeah, there's...
It doesn't hurt you.
That's the thing.
It's like, it doesn't hurt your body.
But I do know people that have gotten addicted to weed,
you know?
Yeah, and that's something to be mindful of for sure.
But I have...
It's not a physical addiction though.
It's not an addiction like alcohol or benzos
or coke or anything like that.
It's an impulse.
It's a psychological addiction.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe for some people it's a physical addiction,
like really, really rare.
But for most people, there's no...
There's nothing happens when you get off it.
There's no withdrawals.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that it's something to be like mindful of
just like anything new in my life.
I kind of...
I have a treatment team that I run things by, so...
You run weed by them?
Yeah.
What'd they say?
Whatever.
You know, I came out of...
I went to treatment for like a relapse.
I relapsed in 2019.
And it was heavy.
And it was a heavy one.
Explain to everybody what you went through
because it's like you...
It sounds normal, but you almost died.
So, I overdosed on heroin and crack that was...
Well, the heroin was laced with fentanyl.
And I OD'd in 2018.
And that experience was a near-death experience for me.
The doctors told me I had five to ten minutes
before it was too late.
When they found me, I was blue.
I was...
There was blood.
I had three strokes, a heart attack,
and multiple organ failure.
And I still have brain damage from it.
What kind of brain damage?
So, I have blind spots in my vision.
And I also had hearing loss from everything.
The blind spots are like...
Like, I don't drive.
I can't.
Unless I was on like an open dirt road
and I could just like...
I just don't want to put other people at risk
on the roads.
So, you...
Like, normally you see everything.
Like, you see everything in front of you right now?
No.
No.
So, even like your face.
I see your eyeballs.
When I'm looking at your eyes,
I see your eyes,
but I don't see your nose,
your mouth,
or even your microphone.
What do you see?
This part.
It looks like I looked at the sun.
Wow.
You know when you're a kid
and you look at the sun
because someone told you not to
because I'm that kid.
Yeah.
It's like that.
When you look at the sun
and like your...
Or even like a camera flash
and it kind of goes like
greenish, bluish.
It's not black,
but it's...
You can't see.
And it's just like a blind spot
that takes over
kind of like everybody's
bottom half of their face.
Whoa.
And so my focal...
But could you focus on
someone's bottom half of their face?
If they were smiling,
could you look down at their teeth?
I have to look down
at people's mouths
when they talk.
So you only see like a stripe?
Yeah.
Like a strip of their face?
Yeah.
Literally just exactly
where you put it.
I could see the top of your fingers
but not your hand.
And so...
For the first few months
like I couldn't read
out of a book.
I was so hard to...
Like tweezing my eyebrows.
Couldn't do that at first.
How do you live?
How do you live?
Exactly.
My brows are extremely important to me
so that was a huge thing.
They look fabulous.
Thank you so much.
Let me tell you.
Thank you.
You're doing a great job
whatever you can see.
Thank you.
Whatever you can see.
You're a savage.
Oh my God.
But yeah,
so there was things that...
And I had to ask
like opinions on my outfit.
Like I couldn't...
Oh, wow.
Couldn't see
what shoes went with my outfit.
Is this getting any better?
No.
So it plateaued
after six months.
Like whatever it would be
after six months
after the overdose
would be what it'll be
for the rest of my life.
So...
And this is from the stroke.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
So this...
This experience that you had
you're...
You had a heart attack.
You had strokes.
You have this vision issue
that's going to exist
for the rest of your life.
So I'm sure
everyone around you
then was like,
hey,
you got to stay the fuck away
from all drugs forever.
Like this is it.
Like we almost lost you.
Yeah.
This could be it
for your life.
Mm-hmm.
So how do you...
How do you ease in the weed
from there?
So it took a lot of time.
What was the impetus?
Like what led you to do it?
What led me to do it actually
was I got into recovery
from my bulimia.
And I thought,
all right,
this is an addiction
I've had since I was 12.
How is it that...
Everything started at 12 for me.
I was like,
how is it that I finally found
recovery from this,
but yet I'm still struggling
with substances?
I thought,
well,
what am I doing with food
that's different?
And I wasn't looking at it
from a dogmatic approach,
this all or nothing mentality.
You know,
I was eating Taco Bell
and letting myself keep it down
and not throwing it up anymore.
And that to me was a new...
The normal person like
doesn't know that that...
Of course,
that's what you do with Taco Bell.
You let it sit.
This was a new fucking idea for me.
I was like,
my mind was blown.
You would eat,
you would go on a bender,
eat Taco Bell
and then just like,
okay,
out of the pool, boys.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
Every time you ate
something terrible like that,
you knew that you were
going to throw it up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And
so when I went,
after I had relapsed
in 2019
on the hard stuff,
I went back
to the treatment center
I'd gone to
right after
treatment.
treatment.
And
I just said to them,
I was like,
I think I need to
allow myself
the ability
to really try
this
middle path.
And not
like before
when I said
I was on a middle path
but really was like
going,
was like really
trying to party.
Like,
I mean like
if I want to smoke
then I'll let myself smoke.
and I just
I kind of came to terms
with,
I kind of came up
with that
and talked it through
with my treatment team
back home
and let everyone know
like,
hey,
this is,
I have to own my truth.
And my treatment team
said,
okay,
like,
we'll support you
and stand by you.
What do you need
from us
that will help?
And it was at that point
that like I started getting
this thing called
the Vivitrol shot
which is
a shot that
blocks all the
opiate receptors
in your brain.
So if,
I mean,
honestly,
even if I were to get
like in a
bad injury
and go to the hospital,
I couldn't even
get opiates
in a hospital
because like my body
will reject them so much
it goes into withdrawals
immediately.
Really?
Yeah.
But why do you
need that?
So it also helps
with bulimia
because what people
don't realize
about bulimia
is that
it helps
bulimia,
when you throw up
your opiate receptors
go off in your brain.
So sometimes people
actually get addicted
to the
high you get
after throwing up
rather than
like people think
that it's
like there's actually
a physical component
in your brain
that people get
addicted to
and that's why
people become
addicted to
the fear
feeling
that euphoria
after
you
That's crazy.
I had no idea.
I thought it just
you always felt
every time I've
thrown up
I'd felt terrible.
I never would have
imagined
that there's a
I guess because
you're sick.
I think like
if you're not sick
maybe you don't feel
terrible.
I don't know.
But now I'm thinking
of trying it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh my God.
No, no, no, no.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Listen, I'll never
be bulimic.
I fucking
I eat like a pig.
And
that's
okay.
It's okay to eat
like a pig?
Thank you.
Yeah, if that's
if that's what
makes you happy
then like
own your truth
and live it.
So I'm still
curious as to
like what
about weed
made you
want to even
introduce it
into your life
after working
so hard
to be sober
and having this
horrible experience
with overdosing.
Right.
So
I dealt
I often say
and this is really
hard for people
to hear sometimes
but I think that
drugs saved my life
at times
because
had I not
had something
to medicate with
I wouldn't be here.
I would have
taken my life
by now.
I've dealt with
suicidal ideation
since I was
seven years old
and
that's just something
that's always been
a part of
my journey.
I don't know why
but depression
is I've been
I've had a journey
with that.
There was a period
of time where
I thought to myself
I'm so miserable.
I'm still sober.
Now I'm sober again.
This is after
the overdose.
I'm so sober
and still so unhappy.
What am I doing?
And I got to this place
where I kept thinking
if I pick up
you know
that term
I had been told
so many times
by people in recovery
or treatment team
whatever
not this treatment team
but a different one
that if I picked up
that I would die
and I
thought to myself
what kind of life
am I living
if I'm miserable
24-7
and if I feel like
the bottom is going
to drop out
I'm going to die.
Like that's not really
a life to live
and so I thought
what if there's
some sort of relief
in between
that's not going
to kill me
that's not
that's not
I don't know
super dangerous
you know
what is it
and I thought
well I live in California
you know
why not a little weed
and so I tried it
and it wasn't so bad
and I began to appreciate
what it could do for me
it stopped me
from going to
the other things
a lot of people say
that weed is gateway drug
but what people don't know
is that it can also be
a drug that can provide
a little bit of relief
for people
who feel like
when they get that low
they're either going to
pick up something
really dark
really heavy
or
something
more ominous
you know
yeah
I don't buy that gateway shit
I don't either
I really don't
I don't buy it with anything
also
I hate even calling
weed a drug
because it's
a sacred plant
like it's sacred medicine
and so
talking like a healer
yeah I am
I am
but it is
it's like
it's under the category
of sacred plant medicine
so
there's definitely
some magical properties
to it
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Demi Lovato on Relapsing and Being "California Sober"

the Joe Rogan experience the thing that I keep going back to is like at the end
of the day
my head on my pillow do I feel good about the choices I'm making and do I stand
strong in my
beliefs yes then I'm not going to let what someone in Idaho has to say about
what I'm doing
well people want absolutes right whether it comes to recovery from drugs and
alcohol or whether it
comes from anything they don't want you to deviate from the path and they want
you to always be
helpless in the face of your addictions right this is the this is the thought
process between a lot of
the 12-step programs that you're helpless in the face of your addictions I don't
know if that's true
I have never had a drug or an alcohol addiction I've never had that kind of a
compulsion so I don't
know but what I read about you is that you think of yourself now as California
sober
all right well so part of my process now is like not defining the parameters
publicly because I don't feel like it's anybody's business but me and my
treatment team but it's a term that a lot of people use
but it's a term that a lot of people use to identify this path of moderation
with the help of some green plants
mm-hmm you know what I'm saying I do and so green is the key word mm-hmm and
and that's that's that yeah but it's it's such a loaded subject
with the help of some green plants.
You know what I'm saying?
I do.
And so green is the key word.
And that's that.
Yeah, but it's such a loaded subject
that even bringing it up,
you have to kind of guard yourself
from the way other people are going to perceive
what you're doing, right?
I'm a celebrity and I guard everything I say,
even if I'm speaking my truth,
I still have to guard it to some degree
because I'm working so hard not to offend anyone.
So it's like, yes,
but every aspect of my life is that way now.
Now, do you find that this green stuff
makes you more relaxed
in dealing with the anxieties of life?
Or like, what is...
Well, the green stuff is weed.
We'll just like...
Yeah, that's what I assumed.
Yeah, we'll just like call it what it is.
Yeah, it's something that, you know, it helps.
And it also is something that you can use
for different things.
It helped me learn how to meditate at first.
You know, it was a lot easier to smoke a little bit
and then meditate than it was to just go in
with just like the most clear mind.
It helped me build a relationship with meditation
to where I don't need it to meditate anymore.
You know, there's things, there's benefits to it.
And I think there's also just a sense of security
and knowing that even if I'm having a bad night
and I turn to that,
that's not going to kill me.
Right.
You know, I guess you get there without weed.
You can.
You totally can.
I just found that like...
Weed gets you there quicker.
Yeah, just a little bit.
And I just, yeah, there's...
It doesn't hurt you.
That's the thing.
It's like, it doesn't hurt your body.
But I do know people that have gotten addicted to weed,
you know?
Yeah, and that's something to be mindful of for sure.
But I have...
It's not a physical addiction though.
It's not an addiction like alcohol or benzos
or coke or anything like that.
It's an impulse.
It's a psychological addiction.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe for some people it's a physical addiction,
like really, really rare.
But for most people, there's no...
There's nothing happens when you get off it.
There's no withdrawals.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that it's something to be like mindful of
just like anything new in my life.
I kind of...
I have a treatment team that I run things by, so...
You run weed by them?
Yeah.
What'd they say?
Whatever.
You know, I came out of...
I went to treatment for like a relapse.
I relapsed in 2019.
And it was heavy.
And it was a heavy one.
Explain to everybody what you went through
because it's like you...
It sounds normal, but you almost died.
So, I overdosed on heroin and crack that was...
Well, the heroin was laced with fentanyl.
And I OD'd in 2018.
And that experience was a near-death experience for me.
The doctors told me I had five to ten minutes
before it was too late.
When they found me, I was blue.
I was...
There was blood.
I had three strokes, a heart attack,
and multiple organ failure.
And I still have brain damage from it.
What kind of brain damage?
So, I have blind spots in my vision.
And I also had hearing loss from everything.
The blind spots are like...
Like, I don't drive.
I can't.
Unless I was on like an open dirt road
and I could just like...
I just don't want to put other people at risk
on the roads.
So, you...
Like, normally you see everything.
Like, you see everything in front of you right now?
No.
No.
So, even like your face.
I see your eyeballs.
When I'm looking at your eyes,
I see your eyes,
but I don't see your nose,
your mouth,
or even your microphone.
What do you see?
This part.
It looks like I looked at the sun.
Wow.
You know when you're a kid
and you look at the sun
because someone told you not to
because I'm that kid.
Yeah.
It's like that.
When you look at the sun
and like your...
Or even like a camera flash
and it kind of goes like
greenish, bluish.
It's not black,
but it's...
You can't see.
And it's just like a blind spot
that takes over
kind of like everybody's
bottom half of their face.
Whoa.
And so my focal...
But could you focus on
someone's bottom half of their face?
If they were smiling,
could you look down at their teeth?
I have to look down
at people's mouths
when they talk.
So you only see like a stripe?
Yeah.
Like a strip of their face?
Yeah.
Literally just exactly
where you put it.
I could see the top of your fingers
but not your hand.
And so...
For the first few months
like I couldn't read
out of a book.
I was so hard to...
Like tweezing my eyebrows.
Couldn't do that at first.
How do you live?
How do you live?
Exactly.
My brows are extremely important to me
so that was a huge thing.
They look fabulous.
Thank you so much.
Let me tell you.
Thank you.
You're doing a great job
whatever you can see.
Thank you.
Whatever you can see.
You're a savage.
Oh my God.
But yeah,
so there was things that...
And I had to ask
like opinions on my outfit.
Like I couldn't...
Oh, wow.
Couldn't see
what shoes went with my outfit.
Is this getting any better?
No.
So it plateaued
after six months.
Like whatever it would be
after six months
after the overdose
would be what it'll be
for the rest of my life.
So...
And this is from the stroke.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
So this...
This experience that you had
you're...
You had a heart attack.
You had strokes.
You have this vision issue
that's going to exist
for the rest of your life.
So I'm sure
everyone around you
then was like,
hey,
you got to stay the fuck away
from all drugs forever.
Like this is it.
Like we almost lost you.
Yeah.
This could be it
for your life.
Mm-hmm.
So how do you...
How do you ease in the weed
from there?
So it took a lot of time.
What was the impetus?
Like what led you to do it?
What led me to do it actually
was I got into recovery
from my bulimia.
And I thought,
all right,
this is an addiction
I've had since I was 12.
How is it that...
Everything started at 12 for me.
I was like,
how is it that I finally found
recovery from this,
but yet I'm still struggling
with substances?
I thought,
well,
what am I doing with food
that's different?
And I wasn't looking at it
from a dogmatic approach,
this all or nothing mentality.
You know,
I was eating Taco Bell
and letting myself keep it down
and not throwing it up anymore.
And that to me was a new...
The normal person like
doesn't know that that...
Of course,
that's what you do with Taco Bell.
You let it sit.
This was a new fucking idea for me.
I was like,
my mind was blown.
You would eat,
you would go on a bender,
eat Taco Bell
and then just like,
okay,
out of the pool, boys.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
Every time you ate
something terrible like that,
you knew that you were
going to throw it up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And
so when I went,
after I had relapsed
in 2019
on the hard stuff,
I went back
to the treatment center
I'd gone to
right after
treatment.
treatment.
And
I just said to them,
I was like,
I think I need to
allow myself
the ability
to really try
this
middle path.
And not
like before
when I said
I was on a middle path
but really was like
going,
was like really
trying to party.
Like,
I mean like
if I want to smoke
then I'll let myself smoke.
and I just
I kind of came to terms
with,
I kind of came up
with that
and talked it through
with my treatment team
back home
and let everyone know
like,
hey,
this is,
I have to own my truth.
And my treatment team
said,
okay,
like,
we'll support you
and stand by you.
What do you need
from us
that will help?
And it was at that point
that like I started getting
this thing called
the Vivitrol shot
which is
a shot that
blocks all the
opiate receptors
in your brain.
So if,
I mean,
honestly,
even if I were to get
like in a
bad injury
and go to the hospital,
I couldn't even
get opiates
in a hospital
because like my body
will reject them so much
it goes into withdrawals
immediately.
Really?
Yeah.
But why do you
need that?
So it also helps
with bulimia
because what people
don't realize
about bulimia
is that
it helps
bulimia,
when you throw up
your opiate receptors
go off in your brain.
So sometimes people
actually get addicted
to the
high you get
after throwing up
rather than
like people think
that it's
like there's actually
a physical component
in your brain
that people get
addicted to
and that's why
people become
addicted to
the fear
feeling
that euphoria
after
you
That's crazy.
I had no idea.
I thought it just
you always felt
every time I've
thrown up
I'd felt terrible.
I never would have
imagined
that there's a
I guess because
you're sick.
I think like
if you're not sick
maybe you don't feel
terrible.
I don't know.
But now I'm thinking
of trying it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh my God.
No, no, no, no.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Listen, I'll never
be bulimic.
I fucking
I eat like a pig.
And
that's
okay.
It's okay to eat
like a pig?
Thank you.
Yeah, if that's
if that's what
makes you happy
then like
own your truth
and live it.
So I'm still
curious as to
like what
about weed
made you
want to even
introduce it
into your life
after working
so hard
to be sober
and having this
horrible experience
with overdosing.
Right.
So
I dealt
I often say
and this is really
hard for people
to hear sometimes
but I think that
drugs saved my life
at times
because
had I not
had something
to medicate with
I wouldn't be here.
I would have
taken my life
by now.
I've dealt with
suicidal ideation
since I was
seven years old
and
that's just something
that's always been
a part of
my journey.
I don't know why
but depression
is I've been
I've had a journey
with that.
There was a period
of time where
I thought to myself
I'm so miserable.
I'm still sober.
Now I'm sober again.
This is after
the overdose.
I'm so sober
and still so unhappy.
What am I doing?
And I got to this place
where I kept thinking
if I pick up
you know
that term
I had been told
so many times
by people in recovery
or treatment team
whatever
not this treatment team
but a different one
that if I picked up
that I would die
and I
thought to myself
what kind of life
am I living
if I'm miserable
24-7
and if I feel like
the bottom is going
to drop out
I'm going to die.
Like that's not really
a life to live
and so I thought
what if there's
some sort of relief
in between
that's not going
to kill me
that's not
that's not
I don't know
super dangerous
you know
what is it
and I thought
well I live in California
you know
why not a little weed
and so I tried it
and it wasn't so bad
and I began to appreciate
what it could do for me
it stopped me
from going to
the other things
a lot of people say
that weed is gateway drug
but what people don't know
is that it can also be
a drug that can provide
a little bit of relief
for people
who feel like
when they get that low
they're either going to
pick up something
really dark
really heavy
or
somethi