Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1686 - Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2021-07-22T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1686 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1686 - Ari Shaffir' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-22. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1686 - Ari Shaffir

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
You decided to shave your head now, huh?
Yeah, I like it.
It's better, right?
It's smoother and it's easier.
Yes, so much better.
Imagine going to a barbershop now.
God took care of a lot of it.
God took care of it.
God cursed you.
Too much scalp.
I want it back.
Do you?
I really want to do a mohawk correctly.
And I want it for a little bit.
Remember how much fun I'd have in my hair?
Well, you could do stuff with your hair to get it back that's not as dangerous
as the...
Staples?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
There's a guy named Derek.
He's got a website called More Plates, More Dates.
And he talks a lot about hormone optimization, all kinds of stuff, but also
recovering hair loss.
And there's a bunch of different things you can do.
There's topical shampoos that remove DHT from the scalp that help bring your
hair back.
But it'll get back?
I don't know, man.
You're pretty far gone.
There's this Amazonian treatment for it.
Amazonian?
Yeah.
Ungurawa.
And then I found this lady who was like, there's a lot of fake shit on the
market there.
Can I curse on this?
I'm so sorry.
Drop, drop, drop.
I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.
That's hilarious.
And so she could smell it and tell, like, that's real.
I'm like, oh, no way.
That's a lot of corn oil.
And I was like, see, this botanist guy, I was like, will it work?
And he was like, yes.
And then he looks up and he goes, unless you're too far gone, then it will not
work.
But he goes, none of those people in the Amazon have hair loss.
Really?
And that's why.
Yeah, all those fucking...
We talked about all those...
Mostly it's genetic, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mostly it's genetic.
If a lot of people in the Amazon don't have it, I doubt it's because they're
all rubbing leaves on their head.
I get what you're saying.
Because it's not a common thing amongst Native Americans that are pure blood.
Pure blood, rather.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, people that are pure Native American, it's not a very common thing.
Everyone talks about how hard it is to be Native American, but the full locks
of hair.
Well, you do have to realize that 95% of them died from the plague.
Yeah.
And then there's a litter also, which they never liked.
Litter?
You know.
Oh, the Indian that cried?
Yeah.
The pollution.
That was the last 5% was like, come on, guys.
There's 5% of us left, and you're chucking shit in our yard.
Yeah.
I was listening to this thing where these settlers, post-smallpox, were
arriving in towns, and
there would be no one in the town.
It would be ghosts, and they thought the people had abandoned the town.
They hadn't figured it out yet, but it would literally, like, the entire town
was wiped out.
From the plague?
From the plague, yeah.
Damn.
That was a really common thing.
They think that's what happened to South America.
They think that's what happened to the Amazon.
They think that the lost city of Z, the lost city of Zed, however you want to
say it, they
think that that was a massive civilization that existed in the Amazon, and then
the European
settlers came down.
And just like they did with the Mayans, just like they did with the Native
Americans, just
like they did with the...
They brought horrible fucking diseases, and everybody died.
Wow.
That's the number one theory.
Because, like, people are thinking about what's going on right now, right?
You know, like, see how even a disease that doesn't kill, you know, a high
percentage of people
can spread throughout this entire country, and hundreds of, I mean, I don't
know how many people
have been infected by COVID now.
It's got to be in the millions, right?
Oh, yeah.
We've got it and recovered.
Now, imagine if that was smallpox.
Then they're all dead.
They're all dead.
Wow, yeah.
Yeah.
Most of them are dead.
Like, it's a high percentage.
Especially back then.
And the people that survive, you're horribly scarred forever.
You have these horrible pock marks all over your face.
And they had no antibodies for that shit, right?
Nope.
For whatever the settlers came with?
Well, even the Europeans had a rough time with that.
But for the Native Americans, everything the Europeans brought over, all their
diseases.
Was all new.
All of it was new.
No one had any immunity to it.
And so these people who, the Europeans who were surviving with these diseases,
came in
and infected untold numbers of people.
They don't even know how many people died from the plague in the Native
American populations.
They just think the estimate is somewhere in the neighborhood of 90 plus
percent of all
the people are dead.
How many Indians were there?
That's what they think.
They think there was millions.
But when, you know, by the time like the 1800s came around and they started
trying to round
them up and put them in reservations and all that horrible shit, there was way
less.
But like in 1550, in 1492, whatever, like how many, do they have any estimate
of how many
there were?
They think there were millions.
They think there were millions.
Two millions?
A hundred?
It's a good question.
It's hard to say, right?
Because they have like, one of the things that happens is like you have the
first wave
of people that come in like 14, whatever East coast.
Yeah.
They land.
And then who knows how many fucking people they infect and then right away.
And they spread it, spread it, spread it.
So if another wave comes back in 50 years, how many people are left?
How many people died from the initial infection?
Yeah.
But all these books about Native Americans talk about just a wave through
people.
60 million.
What is that?
60 million in 1492.
Damn.
That's a bright.
Look at that TV.
By combining all published estimates from populations throughout the Americas,
we find
a probable indigenous population of 60 million in 1492.
Europe's population at the time was 70 to 88 million.
See, scroll down there.
What killed 90% of Native American population between 1560 and smallpox?
When the New Europeans arrived carrying germs which thrived in dense semi-urban
population,
the indigenous people, the Americans were effectively doomed.
That is amazing, man.
90%.
I mean, it's a scary fucking number, man.
Is that a flat screen?
That's really nice.
Of course it's flat screen.
What are you living in the past?
Damn, bro.
What are you saying, man?
Every once in a while you'll see one of the big boxes still out there.
People still have those?
You see it and you realize that's somebody old just died for sure or got put in
a home.
Where you're like, who would still have it?
My grandpa had one of them cabinet ones where you open up the cabinet and the
TV was like
a part of the furniture.
Jeez, yeah.
It was so classy.
And then underneath was where all the VHS tapes went?
There was no VHS tapes when he had it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it was none of that.
And then a lot of times what would happen, that TV would die and they would put
a new TV
on top of the cabinet.
That's right.
That would be the move.
That's right, because you can't throw away the cabinet.
It's a nice cabinet.
Damn.
It's a beautiful piece of furniture.
It was like ornately designed and the whole deal.
And you open up the cabinet to watch TV and you slide the doors into the sides.
Oh, yeah.
The thing would come out too.
You put the slider.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's classy.
Old tubes, black and white TV.
There's people doing art stuff with them now.
They're like taking them out and putting flowers in there or something.
Yeah, but it's art you don't really want.
Right?
Like, okay, I see what you did.
I appreciate that you're not just trying to throw it out, but who wants that in
their house?
Yeah, but you're like, it's got no swords in it.
This art sucks.
You'd be like, look at this stupid old cabinet.
It's kind of cool, though, but so are old computers, right?
Like, if you have like an Apple II.
Remember the colorful apples when they changed the color?
The IMAX.
Uh-huh.
You could see the inside, too.
That was like, damn.
They could bring a new version of that back, but now the IMAX are like thin as
that pad you have.
Yeah.
They just did that.
They're like, they're all colors now.
Oh, really?
The first time in 15 years.
But not crazy colors.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
What do they look like?
It's just like the flat screen with the colored back.
Let me see what it looks like.
They're so thin now.
Yeah.
It's really amazing.
Ooh, like that.
Look, you've got a plastic protector on your laptop.
How can you protect your laptop and not everything else in your laptop?
I'm always breaking it.
The last one went, you mean condoms?
Because this doesn't feel worse.
Look at that.
Oh, they're sweet.
Oh, like a real IMAX.
That's so thin.
Like an iPad.
That's how thin they are.
That's amazing.
And that's like all you need, right?
That does everything you need.
You definitely can't play this on sound because they bought the rights to this.
Some fucking hip music to play behind it, right?
I'm sure they did.
They fucking robbed the Beatles or whatever.
It's pretty beautiful, though.
Those look fucking clutch.
Is that Ali McCoskey in that fucking commercial?
Ali's trying to get paid.
Leave her alone, bro.
Yeah, that's right.
11.5 millimeters thin.
Holy shit.
That's tiny.
Is that real size?
That sounds awesome until you realize you don't know what a millimeter is.
I know what it is.
How dare you?
I just found out how much a kilogram is.
I found out I'm 90.7 kilograms.
Kilograms?
Yeah.
Heavy?
That's a – kilograms in Celsius.
Like, get the fuck out of here with that.
Like, on the wall up there, oh, we've changed it to Fahrenheit.
Thank the baby Jesus.
It was Celsius for a while.
It's the only way to learn.
So confusing.
Yeah, you have to leave it at Celsius.
Yeah, you have to leave it and, like, slowly start to learn.
Yeah, because you look at 24 Celsius, you're like, that ain't shit.
Meanwhile, you're going to die.
No, 24 Celsius is not bad.
Isn't it, like, 100 degrees?
No.
It's 34 Celsius.
Yeah, 34, 35 is a lot.
I was in Vegas last weekend, and it was 117 degrees.
117, dude.
It was so hot.
We got off the plane.
It was like, holy shit.
It was like a hairdryer just blowing in your face.
It's dry, but it's like – it beats down on you sometimes there.
Yeah.
There in Phoenix would get you, like, fuck.
Exactly.
Exactly.
There in Phoenix.
I was walking on this trip in Vegas a long time ago, and my Chuck Taylors on
the cement – so, walking, like, 30, 40 minutes – started to melt.
It started to feel like I stepped in gun.
It started to melt the gum on both shoes.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, too hot.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
It's not made for that.
You can melt your sneakers?
It can get that hot?
What temperature do sneakers melt that?
Redame this podcast.
Let's look it up with Joe Rogan.
Yeah, you would need work shoes.
You would need, like, fucking heavy-duty work boots to walk.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
Like, something fucking really thick.
You couldn't have steel toe because they'll burn your toes.
Yeah, I got some dress shoes from David August that are – they have leather
on the bottom of them.
I never owned a pair of shoes that have leather soles.
Interesting.
Yeah, so you have to scuff them up.
So I haven't scuffed them up.
Otherwise, they're real slippery.
That's why I would never wear them.
I'm like, these things – you're, like, you're putting yourself at a
significant handicap just walking around.
Shabbos shoes.
Here's –
Oh, shit.
It was so hot in Texas a couple years ago.
Wow.
Look at – that is really melting.
Oh, so the glue was melting.
Like, maybe, yeah.
Yeah.
Damn.
God damn.
But that's only 106 degrees.
It takes 250 to melt rubber, so.
Huh.
So how the – well, I guess it's just –
Well, the cement takes more.
Yeah, so I was looking up how hot it gets.
I'm glad you found that because when I said it was melting and then it was like,
how hot does that have to be?
I'm like, could this be a false memory?
Like, if it looked like you're dead wrong.
There was a thought at on