Name: Joe Talks Pythons and Alligators with Greg Fitzsimmons
Uploaded: 2021-07-28T17:04:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Talks Pythons and Alligators with Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Talks Pythons and Alligators with Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-28. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience there's too many of them. It's amazing. They're still
alive isn't it so many of when you see one
How fucking ancient they look? Yeah, they're dinosaurs. They're legit dinosaurs,
right? Yeah, and they're all over the place
We were talking the other day about Disneyland in Florida that over the last
few years
They've pulled hundreds of alligators out of Disney World. Well, dude, that
girl got eaten. Yeah, a little kid. Yeah. Yeah
Imagine your two-year-old you remember remember what it was like when your your
kids were two like you love them so much
You're so protective of them mm-hmm
Yeah, they're so vulnerable and I think killed by an alligator. Yeah
There is a fucking lawsuit. Oh god, I'm sure but they probably just paid them
off
I mean Disneyland's just printing money or Disney World. Yeah lands been
Shut down for a fucking year. Is that the one in California? Yeah, they're open
again now
But they were trying to sue to try to get open again, you know, they had the
strictest laws
In California when it came to kovat, but it didn't have an impact on like the
number of cases
It didn't have the impact on the number of deaths. Yeah, I can comparison to
Florida where they just went buck wild and wide open
Right. It's like Florida did better. Mm-hmm
With their fucking cunty alligators
wandering around
Now they got the Everglades are filled with fucking
Pythons pythons pythons. Yeah killed all the mammals they did this study on
mammals in the
Everglades they used to have raccoons and marsh hares and all these different
deer
Nothing. Wow. Nothing. Everything's gone. It's all pythons. It's pythons and
alligators
It's so bad now that pythons are eating alligators. Oh, I saw a video of that
It's crazy. Fuck. There's a there's a photo a famous photo
Look at this. Florida Python challenge gets underway with a new ten thousand
dollar prize
Yeah, they're trying to what they really should do is
First of all California, which is so fucking dumb. You can't buy Python goods
Why? Because they're assholes. They've just decided that's an exotic and we don't
want it. It's just political
It's completely it's it's it's all about optics, right? Like the idea that you're
gonna have these exotics
like why is it okay to have like
Lamb skin or sheep skin. Why is that okay? Yeah, why is it okay to have Uggs
with sheep skin inside of them? That's okay
It's okay to have a leather jacket. It's not okay to have a cunty Python. Yeah,
like what the fuck is crazy doesn't make any sense
Yeah, there's no logic to it at all
You can't have pythons and meanwhile what they should do is make it available
everywhere and and make it so that it's commercially
Fishable that you can go or a huntable you can go out there and collect these
fucking pythons if it's very valuable
They'll they'll at least be able to put a dent the problem is it's all swamps
so they can't even find them
They're never gonna put a dent that's that shit is that ship is sale
Look at this
185-pound Burmese Python captured in Naples might be the heaviest in Florida
history. How big?
I think it might have been 16 feet
Yeah, they also got a this was a female. They got a male. That was 140 with it
I saw one there's one somewhere that how big do those fucking things get like
what's the biggest Python?
I was looking at something on the internet and I was like is this real because
it was said they found a 30-foot Python and
it was eating dogs
Oh, yeah, they get that big well, it ate a fucking alligator alligator
According to this longest in Florida
18.9 feet. What about longest in like I think this was in
Some South Pacific somewhere in the eight in Asia
Well, it's all pets - 185 pounds is big enough to eat a hundred and fifty pound
man. Oh, yeah
Yeah, this while you hole. Yeah, nothing they have in Florida. That's
everywhere is iguanas
Everywhere. Yeah, there's I've been I've went down a YouTube rabbit hole the
other day where people hunt and cook iguanas in their backyard
Wow
Yeah, it's people who live on canals. They live near canals. They they get like
a bow fishing set up and they're out there
Shooting and killing iguanas and they turn them into chicken wings
Yeah, they whacked their legs off and they fry them
They fry them up and they batter them and they make like these it looks
delicious like these Asian dishes. This might be that's it
That's the one so thirty three feet thirty three feet
That's exactly the one. Where was that? It says it was
Brazil. Yeah, Jesus Christ
Holy shit are you can't fake that what is that thing eat dogs?
That's what they're saying giant snake found in Brazil ten meters. Oh my god.
Look how fat that thing is
That is so crazy that that's a real creature that lives alongside us
Imagine if you're just fucking hiking and you see a thirty foot snake staring
you down. I mean that is so big wait
That's an anaconda. It's a python an anaconda the same no different 33 foot anaconda
Yeah
Well, that was that fucking movie with Jennifer Lopez remember
Anaconda where they were even bigger because they think that there used to be
giant anacondas in the Amazon that were even bigger than that
Like what is the biggest like the myth of the giant anaconda is something that's
apparently it's in dispute whether or not they're real things
I was trying to find the biggest python which I did see it does this a reticulated
python can grow up to thirty feet
But anacondas I believe are bigger I typed in biggest snake and that's how I
got that
I think they think that at one point time anacondas would get to a hundred feet
long
Like there's it's all myth. It's hard to tell what's horseshit or not
But there's like photos of ones that people took from planes where you see this
thing that looks like a telephone pole
But a hundred foot long telephone pole. Yeah making its way through the water
like that big
Shit I don't know if it's real though did the alligators get fucking big in
florida, too. My uh
my mom lives down there and she plays golf and there's a
Pond that has fucking alligators in it like on the golf course on the golf
course. They just wander around
So she was standing on the edge of the pond one day her ball is near the edge
and
For some reason she decides to play it not kick it out in the fairway
She plays it from the edge she takes the club back and she loses her balance
and she fucking falls in the water
Over her head goes under and then goes to get out of the water and she's she's
like pulling herself up
But it's a muddy slope and she can't get out
She's like fucking flailing on the side and somebody helps her out and she got
out of the water
And I mean she she was so scared that when she got out she started laughing
And she was laying on the side of the pond
My mom's like five foot two. Oh my god 78 years old. Oh my god
Imagine that's how she went out. Yeah golfing near a pond getting spun around
in circles by an alligator
Oh, what's the worst animal to die at the hands of if you had to choose?
Probably hyenas
Wolves hyenas because they eat your guts first. Yeah
Yeah, if you see hyena videos there they're pulling like gazelles they pull
their guts out
Uh-huh. They're eating them guts first coyotes do that too. They eat your
asshole first
Oh, wow
The asshole. Yeah a friend of mine who is a wildlife biologist was telling me
about
um
Like there there was a girl who got killed in Canada a few years back by coyotes
and the particular area where she was in
She was a really um a petite girl and she apparently was a very talented singer
She was a talented like folk singer or uh
Yeah, I think that's what it was. I think she's a folk singer and uh
So the screams were beautiful
Walk yeah, yeah
And uh she got killed by coyotes which is super super rare
Yeah, but he was saying that is one of the worst ways to go because they they
try to kill you asshole first
Her death is the only known fatal coyote attack on an adult as well as the only
known fatal kayak coyote attack on a human ever confirmed in Canada
Wow, she was 19 years old in Nova Scotia. It's fucking crazy
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