Name: What if Guys Could Make Millions Selling Sperm?
Uploaded: 2022-03-02T00:50:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What if Guys Could Make Millions Selling Sperm?' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What if Guys Could Make Millions Selling Sperm?' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-02. Transcript available.

- The Joe Rogan Experience.
- When I was in New York City, in like the early 90s,
there was a ton of dudes who would just be
hanging around pool halls trying to get games and gambling.
And they didn't have any jobs.
They slept on park benches, they slept under pool tables.
- Damn.
- Yeah.
- For the lovers for fucking billiards.
- It wasn't that, it's just like they could
kind of barely get by that way,
and that was better than a job.
- Right.
- They would rather get by that way, barely,
than wear a suit, show up at a fucking office.
- Well, let me ask you a question.
Would you rather be shooting pool
or jacking off in front of your camera?
- It depends on how much you can make shooting pool.
I mean, what kind of money are we talking about?
- Bro.
- Everybody says I would never jerk off in front of a camera.
You wouldn't jerk off in front of a camera for $89 billion.
- Yeah, you would.
- You'd be like, wait, for how long?
- I'll jack off in front of a camera for $89,000.
- Right, you'd be like .
- Bro, I'm telling you.
- Run it right now, nigga.
- I'm telling you, that, yeah.
- For $89, there's guys who do it for $89.
Would you wanna watch?
- There was a Reddit thread about
- What the fuck's wrong with you?
- The value of semen for a live US presidents,
and Obama's was the most.
- What?
- He should sell it.
- I don't know if it still exists.
- He should get on eBay.
- Dog, I'm saying.
- Imagine if Michelle left Barack
and he just started selling his sperm.
- I'm saying, he's just slinging cum.
- If you're a famous guy, if you're a famous guy,
like any, like The Rock, if The Rock wanted to sell his cum,
do you know how much he gets?
- Damn.
- Imagine, just imagine, just imagine, I'm not saying you should buy it.
- Hell no.
- I'm not saying you should, I don't support this in any way.
But imagine the world.
Look, if we can imagine Nazis, we can imagine a world where the rock sales has
come.
- A nut, though.
- Exactly.
- Well, it's negotiable.
- He can only do two a day.
- Who's evaluating it being like, this is pretty good.
- The market, same as Sotheby's.
And they buy a painting.
- Uncut gems and cut gems.
- Right.
- Like how much can I sell a ounce of nut for?
- Yeah, man.
If you want to see a fucking car auction, those Barrett Jackson car auctions.
- We have a 1940 Dwayne The Rock.
- It's all about demand.
- It's all about demand.
- God.
- We got one of The Rock's nuts from 2017.
- Oh, that's a good year.
- Let's go!
- That's a good year.
That's like, yeah.
- He signed The Rock.
- Signed.
- He signs the fucking test tube.
It's like they open the jar, it's all fucking, you know, dry ice, steam.
By The Rock's cum.
Cryogenically frozen, The Rock's cum.
That's worth a million dollars.
So in my mind, 100% it's a million dollars at least.
We're being conservative here, okay?
If The Rock can jerk off twice a day, he makes two million dollars a day
minimum.
- Damn.
That's a chick.
Dog.
- Yeah.
- I mean, you try to sell your catalog.
- 60 million a year.
A month, rather.
- 60 million a month.
Roughly.
- I think about how many times I jacked off this week.
I've been bawling.
I've been bawling literally shit.
- Imagine if The Rock jerked off twice a day and sold it, and he made billions
of dollars.
- He'd be the new Elon Musk.
- This is what I want to know.
Who will take out all these goddamn kids though?
Who's responsible?
- Who's responsible?
- Does he have to give a percentage of that to child support?
- Right.
- Right.
- Right.
- That's how they get it, nigga.
- That's like the lottery, right?
- Yeah, that's how they get it, nigga.
- That's how they get it, nigga.
- Child support bringing your whole worth down?
That's crazy.
- Because you technically are the father.
- Right.
- Just 'cause you didn't experience pleasure.
- In some states he gon' get fucked.
- That is your child.
- Right.
- They would appeal to you on a moral level.
That is your child.
- Yeah, it's your child.
Just like in that one movie, "She Hate Me" with Anthony Mackie.
When he fucked all them hoes.
When he was giving his sperm out.
You seen that?
- I didn't.
- You gotta watch that.
- Then I would make sure my cum is spoiled first.
It's gotta be dead.
- Throw hot sauce on it.
- Spoiled.
- Isn't that what Drake did?
Didn't he throw hot sauce in his condom?
- Yeah, that was like the rumor.
I don't know if it's real, but yeah.
- Of course it's not real.
- Okay.
- It's like the Steven Seagal story from Ukraine.
Like just 'cause it's not real doesn't mean it's not funny
and you shouldn't tell it.
- That's awesome.
- So you gonna sell a bunch of fake dope.
Fake nut.
Like you still sell basil and oregano as weed?
- No, no, no.
You can't do that.
You gotta be a man.
You gotta be a man.
You gotta sell your real cum.
And as you get older, it's like, you know,
it's more precious because you don't have as much.
It's like diamonds.
It's like De Beers.
They keep that shit squirreled away for a reason.
- Yeah, you get some of that Frank Thomas on Nugenics.
You'll be all right.
So might come on NFT.
Shit.
- Yeah, cum is only valuable when a woman wants it.
- Right.
- Right, which is like, how much time do you,
at what point in time do you like, you can keep it?
- Auctioning off cum.
- That's wild.
- There's certain people that can do it.
- Right, right.
It's a select few, right.
- That just sounds bad.
- You're in that group, bro.
- If a woman could show an NFT of her asshole.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like how many women can make money doing that?
There's a lot.
- Ugh.
- I know.
I know it's gross.
But it's the same thing as who's buying cum.
Like what are people doing?
- What are people doing?
- What are people doing?
- Motherfuckers will buy that shit.
- What are people doing?
- They're distracted by all kinds of nonsense.
- I mean, that's crazy.
- People out there.
- 'Cause that would be like one of the greatest heists ever
if you could get Barack Obama's cum.
- Wow.
- That's what I'm saying.
- That sound is so fucking horrible.
- It sounds terrible.
- It does.
- But if, I mean, imagine a world where that wasn't
a moral quandary.
It wasn't a giant issue.
- He's sorry, Michelle.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, everyone's sorry.
- I'm not saying it's gonna happen.
Bill Clinton might be like, fuck it.
- And look, and you could take a nigga nut.
That ain't guarantee your kid gonna be a president.
He motherfucker might be a crackhead at a pool hall.
You dig what I'm saying?
- Yes.
- True.
- True.
- Shit.
- Most likely.
- Who's else, Obama?
- Most likely not going to be a president.
Most likely, there's no way he could be a president.
- Right.
- Like what fucking person?
The president is like the number one least likely job
you would ever have.
- Right.
- It's only one of them.
- It's only one of them.
- Yeah.
- If you said like, there's no guarantee
that if the only problem is the last name.
If he gets the last name.
- It's Obama.
- Get the last name.
Any, like the Kennedys.
Yeah, that Kennedy last name.
You know, there was JFK.
There was Bobby Kennedy.
You know, how many Bushes have we had?
- I'm shooting my nut out there for money.
I want to be anonymous.
- I don't want to know them motherfucking.
Fuck them kids.
- I mean, there are sperm banks.
I guess they already do this.
There are sperm banks.
- You bought it, bitch.
You take that motherfucker.
You bought the nut.
You take what come with it.
You bought it.
You bought this motherfucker.
- You broke it, you broke it.
- Yeah, that's what Obama had to do.
I had to sign a motherfucking...
- NDA.
- Yeah, NDA.
- NDA.
- A nut disclosure agreement, bitch.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, that's perfect.
- Fuck them kids.
Your kids, bitch.
- Fuck them kids.
- They can't have a name.
Hell no.
You can buy the name for a separate fee.
You could be a Gibb.
That little motherfucker could be my name.
- Oh, man.
- Imagine if you just jerked off into a cup for a living.
Like, that's your move.
And you realize, like, listen, I can make $1,000 a load.
I don't have to talk to nobody.
- Right.
- I just have to jerk.
Fuck a job.
I mean, your jizz is worth at least $1,000.
- But I had to take a week or two off,
'cause you know what I'm saying?
I ain't gonna wanna fuck no hoes.
You know what I'm saying?
- I know, that's gonna be a problem.
- Post-nut clarity is a boat.
- You have to decide how much money you wanna make in a week.
- Right.
- You don't have to fucking do it every day.
But if you thought about, like, what...
If there was an ingredient, if you wanted a child,
and there was an ingredient that you can add to an egg
that would make a person 100% of the time,
how much is that worth?
- Damn.
- Maybe we could make it synthetic.
You don't need real nuts.
- Bro, that's how the robots take over.
That's how the next version of humans with no emotions take over.
Yeah.