Name: Trying to Survive in Prison as a First Time Offender
Uploaded: 2022-04-13T17:30:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Trying to Survive in Prison as a First Time Offender' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Trying to Survive in Prison as a First Time Offender' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-13. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan Experience
So I get picked up in Atlanta, take me to Atlanta jail, I go and put me in this
modular
and I go in this modular and there's black people in all the different races,
right?
Well, over there they don't politic like we do in California, right?
So this is my first understanding of how this system works, right?
So I go in there and the only thing that you can't do in that system
is you can't eat at the same table with a different race.
Besides that, once you're up from the dinner table, I can trade with any race,
I could do whatever, talk to them, chop it up, like whatever.
But you have to eat with people of your own race only?
Only, yeah.
Wow.
So then...
And they tell you this? So somebody informs you?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
I got informed when I went in.
So when I moved from Atlanta to California, California politics is much
different.
You can't trade with blacks, you can't trade with others, you can't trade with...
So you can only do trade with your race and then the whites get along with the
essays.
So what ended up happening is like, so you have others, which are any other
race besides
Mexican, white or black.
And this is a car, it's called a car, right?
So everybody has a car, their own race.
So you have woods, you have skinheads, you have paisas, you got Mexicans, you
got Crips,
bloods and others.
And the paisas roll with the Mexicans, the skinheads roll with the woods.
Yeah.
And if something really pops off, some race shit.
They click up.
Then Mexicans and the whites will click up against the blacks and blacks.
It's always on them against us.
It always sucks to be, it sucks to be black in them times, I'm telling you,
real shit.
But we get, hey, but we thump though, we thump.
So we always knock them out anyway.
So you start trying to figure out this shit, you know, like you get thrown into
that fire
and you're trying to figure out all these unwritten rules.
You know, there's no rule book, law book come in and say, hey, do this, this,
this, this.
Yeah.
You know.
Right.
So a guy could really direct you in the wrong way if he wants to.
You know what I mean?
Like tell you some sideways shit and next thing you know, you're in a wreck.
Ooh.
So I go in.
Set you up.
So I go in.
This was actually my second experience, my first experience in there, but my
second experience,
I go in, they put me into a psych ward, a psych watch, getting extradited from
Atlanta
to here.
And so I go into this area and, and I don't know anything, you know, and this
black guy
in the psych ward is like yelling in this module, you know, like anybody want
to learn how to
play chess?
Anybody want to learn how to play chess?
You know?
And I was like, hell yeah, I want to learn how to play chess.
Right?
So I walk over, I sit down with this fool and he starts showing me how to play
chess, but
it's a black guy at a black guy table and I'm a white guy.
So now I just sat down with this black guy table and all the woods and all the
skinheads
in there are like now against me.
Oh no.
No.
But I didn't know.
Oh no, you had no idea.
I had no idea.
Oh no.
Right?
So now, no, no.
Yeah.
So now my cell pops and I go to walk to the shower and I walk past the other
cell that
pops, which is another, another skinhead in that, in that room.
And I go walk past his cell and it's smack.
Right?
So now we're fighting.
Wow.
You know?
So clean this kid up.
Now they move me to another module.
So now this kid put a kite out like, oh, we got to get this guy.
So.
Oh, fun.
Yeah.
So I'm moving this other module.
At the time the institution had a lot of skinheads in there and the skinheads
will politic hard.
Like if they have numbers, then they'll push the politics, you know?
And I looked like a skinhead when I went in.
I had no hair, you know?
Like just bald guy going in there.
You know what I mean?
Right.
So they all start treating me like I'm one of them, but I'm not a fucking skinhead.
So this guy come over and he's trying to get me to hide this little shank in my
cell.
Well, that's weapons manufacturing carries two more years.
Oh my God.
That's how people start getting hit.
You start catching cases, more cases.
When you're only putting two, now you're doing 10.
Mmm.
It just stacks up, but go ahead.
And then there's intimidation factor, right?
So this guy got a big ass swastika tattooed on his face right here.
Tear drops, lightning bolts everywhere.
You know what I mean?
Like this, he's lifer, you know?
Right.
So big shit goes down.
We end up, I end up choking this guy unconscious.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Drag him out of my cell because he's trying to get me to hold this, this shank
in my cell.
I'm not doing this, bro.
And you come in my cell, it's on.
Right.
So now we fighting, take this guy out, right?
Choke him out, beat him up.
Drag him out.
Hit him with some elbows.
Now he's leaking.
So drag his ass out into the little modular.
So do they know you can fight before you're in here?
They don't know.
No.
How long before they figure it out?
Well, it took a minute.
It took a minute because most of the fighting goes on in the cell or in a
shower.
You know what I mean?
So when the fight actually broke out in the open, I was fighting multiple
people is what happened.
And then all the fucking guards watched.
Everybody's watching from their cells.
You know, like this is a different time.
So this whole incident takes place.
I beat this guy up.
Take him out of my cell, right?
Now they take him away.
They move this guy out of the modular.
Do they get mad at you?
No, they just come in.
You know, they don't really care.
They don't really care.
The guards don't give a shit.
They don't give a shit.
So you fucked that dude up.
Is he out cold?
Does he have a...
I choked him unconscious.
Do they have to ask him what his story is?
I don't give a fuck.
But they don't ask you?
They just let you go?
It's okay?
No.
Is there a punishment?
That's what I'm getting at.
They locked me in my cell.
I couldn't get on my cell for like two weeks.
Oh, for two weeks.
Yeah.
Just alone in yourself.
Constant.
Nothing but yourself.
So what happens is for a certain amount of hours of the day,
you got to pop the door and let you into a bigger cell,
a bigger room.
You know what I mean?
So I just couldn't get into the day room for like two weeks.
But the crazy shit of it all is like I'm trying to tell you,
I'm trying to learn this system, right?
There's new rules.
So what happens is this kid, this guy, okay,
we talk about the cars and the races, right?
So each race has their own car, which means there's a key holder.
And the key holder to that car controls the race.
So they make decisions for the race.
They try and keep other races out of car wrecks.
Like now we got a feud with the blacks or we got a feud with the Mexicans or
whatever.
They call them car wrecks.
Yeah.
Well, if we get in a fight with them, the key holder is the guy that can
communicate
with the other key holders to the races and try and keep peace.
They don't go and delegate it.
Wow.
Yeah.
And so I didn't had it happen.
We were going to get down with the Mexicans and then our keys will go and they
keys
and we're going to jump.
We're getting ready to jump.
And they shake hands.
All right.
It ain't going.
It ain't going.
And then it go back down.
Wow.
Yeah.
And you're trying to figure all this out.
So what happened was I beat this fool's ass and now I got the keys.
Oh wow.
But I can't have the keys because I'm a first-termer.
So a first-termer is not allowed to have the keys.
But nobody wanted to try to take the keys from me.
So in order for them to take the keys from me, they got to fight me to take the
keys away
from me.
Oh boy.
So that kind of changed the dynamics of the room because now I'm able to
navigate with
these other races and have these conversations with these fucking ignorant
people that don't
understand how to really talk.
You know what I mean?
Like how to communicate and keep things cool.
They misunderstand what this guy says or misinterpret what this guy says.
The next thing you know it's hot for everybody.
And it's just misinterpretations.
Yeah, because they're dumb.
Most of these guys are dumb, bro.
Like they're stupid.
In some ways, you're sitting there listening to these guys.
You're like, these guys really think this shit?
Fighting about the dumbest shit.
Yeah.
So cities fighting over teams fighting over just the dumbest shit.
Xbox and PlayStation.
And somebody said something wrong and then that escalated into something that
was personal.
Yeah.
That's quick.
So now they take me from there.
That incident takes place, right?
And we resolve some of that stuff.
But now these guys are in different modules.
So now they're putting these kites out to try and get me as I'm going to court.
So what happens is they catch a chain with some guys.
And then we go into these holding tanks, all these different holding tanks.
And you get put in that holding tank with that guy that got a kite that's
looking for you.
And now it's on.
It's cracking.
You know what I mean?
Whoa.
So I'm sitting in my cell.
I'm getting ready to go to court.
And there's two huge ass guys.
And they're in there talking to each other about trying to get me.
But they don't know that it's me.
So I'm sitting in there.
I'm listening to everything that they're trying to do and how they're going to
try and set this shit up.
And I'm sitting right in front of them.
And they don't even realize it's me.
Wow.
And I'm thinking, honestly, I'm like, these are big motherfuckers.
I'm thinking, they're going to take me out.
Like, there's only so much you can do.
You know what I mean?
Numbers.
So I make it through that whole process.
And I catch the chain.
And when I catch the chain, they take you from county to state.
And I catch the chain with the same asshole that I got into it with that I took
the keys from.
Oh, my goodness.
He's been in the system a long time, right?
So now we catch the chain.
We go over to Donovan, R.J. Donovan.
It's four yards.
Level four.
Do you know how that works?
No.
Level four being the highest level, most dangerous criminals.
Most dangerous people.
Yeah.
The next level is Superdome in San Diego.
So why'd they bring you to a level four?
Because my charges.
My charges.
Kidnapping.
Kidnapping thing.
Because those charges were so intense, they put you in with those people, you
know?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
So I catch the chain, right?
I go over there.
I catch the chain.
And this guy's just like, I'm going to fucking kill you.
I'm going to kill you.
Like, we're going to get you, you know?
And I'm just thinking the whole time, like, this chain comes off.
I'm going to rip this guy's ass apart again.
You know what I mean?
So I go into reception, and we're in a cell block.
It's like 360 degrees with a gunner and all this stuff, some desks.
And they come check you in.
And now our cell's like, we don't get out of our cell now until they intake us,
right?
So now I'm in there.
It's like three months.
And there's this guy next door.
We start talking through the vent to each other a little bit, you know?
And we're playing chess and shit, like through the little vent to move pieces
around and shit.
And they call me out to the thing to talk to the officers.
And this guy goes, I don't know this guy in the cell next to me.
And I walk past his cell, and I hear him yell through the thing.
He's like, hey, bro, kick that cord over to me.
And I'm like, kick your cord over.
He's like, that cord right there.
Kick that cord over to me when you're coming by.
And I'm like, what the fuck's he want this cord for, you know?
It was connected to this fan, right?
So when I come back, I kick this cord over.
And I wasn't going to do it.
But I was like, fuck it, right?
So I kick this cord over there.
And next thing you know, in the night, I get this fish come through, right?
Like they make a string, right, with the thing on it.
Swing it out into your cell.
And you take this kite, and then you can read the information on it or whatever,
you know?
So I kite it around to everybody and get it to who they needed to get it to,
right?
Okay.
So this guy shoots this little sheet kite over to me.
I open it up, and it's a fucking sack of weed, dude.
Right?
And I'm like, that's why this dude wanted that cord.
He took that cord, and he started a wick.
So he started a fire, and he had a bag of weed.
So now he's smoking weed, and the whole cell is like full of weed, bro.
And he shoots it.
I say, bro, I can't have this.
Like, I try to shoot that shit back to him.
And he's like, nah, you got to keep it.
You get coffee with it.
You get whatever you need, you know?
And I'm like, oh shit, okay, you know?
So my other celly that was in there, he was like, I'll take it.
And I was like, fuck yeah, take that shit.
I got a bunch of canteen and shit, you know, like coffee and stuff for it.
And so this guy, like, really was like thankful I did it for him, you know?
Like, kick this cord.
So I never seen his face.
Like, never seen this guy's face, right?
Just hear him talking through the thing.
Vince.
And so the guy I caught the chain with puts this hit on me.
Like, they want to try and stab me, right?
So it goes around to the other key holders.
The fucking guy next to me was a key holder for the Bloods.
He's a black guy.
Because I kicked that cord over to him, he hit me up through the cell.
He's like, hey, he says, is your name Beanie?
And I was like, fuck, right?
I had to go back over to the vent, right?
And I said, no.
And he goes, he goes, oh, good.
And I'm like, oh, good?
What the fuck does this mean, right?
And I'm like, hey, I said, I said, what if it was?
And he goes, well, is it or not, fucker?
I go, well, it's not Beanie.
I go, it's Bainy.
And he goes, it's the same shit.
I go, okay, bro.
He's like, hey, I'm gonna let you know.
They're gonna pop this door and they're coming for you.
And I was like, really?
I was like, what do you mean?
He's like, they're gonna come and get you when this door pops.
You're gonna pop this door and you're gonna go to shower and they're gonna send
some guys to come and get you.
My other celly, he knows already.
He didn't tell me.
In order for that to go down, they have to tell your celly so your celly can
stay out of the fucking way.
Oh, wow.
So he knows about it.
He's known about it.
And now he tells me through the wall and now I know he knows about it.
You know what I mean?
And I'm living in this room with this guy.
So the door pops.
My celly takes off running out of the cell.
So I just posted up at the back of the cell just waiting, you know?
And sure as shit, two guys come flying in.
One guy flying in trying to stab me.
And then we're fucking scrapping, wrapping all over the place.
Fall out of the cell.
We're up the stairs.
Fucking push the guy down the stairs.
We fall down the stairs.
I'm tired as fuck.
Like fighting two guys.
I'm tired.
I'm lumped up a little bit.
And I look over this way and I'm barely breathing.
Look over this way and all the fucking cops just watching.
They're just watching.
Oh my God.
So this other guy come over.
He's kicking, kicking, kicking.
I grab the other guy, drag him on top of me.
And I'm just choking him, you know?
And like trying to use him to deflect this guy from getting at me.
Right.
And then realize this guy's out.
He's not even awake.
Push him off me.
And now it's just me and this guy and everybody in the cells watching.
And all the cops watching.
So I just tear this fucking guy's ass up.
We leave.
And this guy never got up.
The guy was choking.
Never got up.
Just eyes full of blood.
Right.
So they send me to another cell block.
I go in there.
There for a couple of days.
Guard comes in.
We're going to move you to the gymnasium.
So he moved me to the gymnasium.
So now I'm out of the cell block.
I'm in a gym with 300 guys.
I can walk around.
I get yard access.
All this stuff.
Right.
And the cop says,
I really appreciate what you did for us out there.
He's like, that was pretty fucking amazing.
And I'm just thinking to myself, like, I want to get the fuck out of here.
And I'll be right back here.
And I'll be right back here.
And I'll be right back here.
And I'll be right back here.
And I'll be right back here.
Thank you.

Trying to Survive in Prison as a First Time Offender

The Joe Rogan Experience
So I get picked up in Atlanta, take me to Atlanta jail, I go and put me in this
modular
and I go in this modular and there's black people in all the different races,
right?
Well, over there they don't politic like we do in California, right?
So this is my first understanding of how this system works, right?
So I go in there and the only thing that you can't do in that system
is you can't eat at the same table with a different race.
Besides that, once you're up from the dinner table, I can trade with any race,
I could do whatever, talk to them, chop it up, like whatever.
But you have to eat with people of your own race only?
Only, yeah.
Wow.
So then...
And they tell you this? So somebody informs you?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
I got informed when I went in.
So when I moved from Atlanta to California, California politics is much
different.
You can't trade with blacks, you can't trade with others, you can't trade with...
So you can only do trade with your race and then the whites get along with the
essays.
So what ended up happening is like, so you have others, which are any other
race besides
Mexican, white or black.
And this is a car, it's called a car, right?
So everybody has a car, their own race.
So you have woods, you have skinheads, you have paisas, you got Mexicans, you
got Crips,
bloods and others.
And the paisas roll with the Mexicans, the skinheads roll with the woods.
Yeah.
And if something really pops off, some race shit.
They click up.
Then Mexicans and the whites will click up against the blacks and blacks.
It's always on them against us.
It always sucks to be, it sucks to be black in them times, I'm telling you,
real shit.
But we get, hey, but we thump though, we thump.
So we always knock them out anyway.
So you start trying to figure out this shit, you know, like you get thrown into
that fire
and you're trying to figure out all these unwritten rules.
You know, there's no rule book, law book come in and say, hey, do this, this,
this, this.
Yeah.
You know.
Right.
So a guy could really direct you in the wrong way if he wants to.
You know what I mean?
Like tell you some sideways shit and next thing you know, you're in a wreck.
Ooh.
So I go in.
Set you up.
So I go in.
This was actually my second experience, my first experience in there, but my
second experience,
I go in, they put me into a psych ward, a psych watch, getting extradited from
Atlanta
to here.
And so I go into this area and, and I don't know anything, you know, and this
black guy
in the psych ward is like yelling in this module, you know, like anybody want
to learn how to
play chess?
Anybody want to learn how to play chess?
You know?
And I was like, hell yeah, I want to learn how to play chess.
Right?
So I walk over, I sit down with this fool and he starts showing me how to play
chess, but
it's a black guy at a black guy table and I'm a white guy.
So now I just sat down with this black guy table and all the woods and all the
skinheads
in there are like now against me.
Oh no.
No.
But I didn't know.
Oh no, you had no idea.
I had no idea.
Oh no.
Right?
So now, no, no.
Yeah.
So now my cell pops and I go to walk to the shower and I walk past the other
cell that
pops, which is another, another skinhead in that, in that room.
And I go walk past his cell and it's smack.
Right?
So now we're fighting.
Wow.
You know?
So clean this kid up.
Now they move me to another module.
So now this kid put a kite out like, oh, we got to get this guy.
So.
Oh, fun.
Yeah.
So I'm moving this other module.
At the time the institution had a lot of skinheads in there and the skinheads
will politic hard.
Like if they have numbers, then they'll push the politics, you know?
And I looked like a skinhead when I went in.
I had no hair, you know?
Like just bald guy going in there.
You know what I mean?
Right.
So they all start treating me like I'm one of them, but I'm not a fucking skinhead.
So this guy come over and he's trying to get me to hide this little shank in my
cell.
Well, that's weapons manufacturing carries two more years.
Oh my God.
That's how people start getting hit.
You start catching cases, more cases.
When you're only putting two, now you're doing 10.
Mmm.
It just stacks up, but go ahead.
And then there's intimidation factor, right?
So this guy got a big ass swastika tattooed on his face right here.
Tear drops, lightning bolts everywhere.
You know what I mean?
Like this, he's lifer, you know?
Right.
So big shit goes down.
We end up, I end up choking this guy unconscious.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Drag him out of my cell because he's trying to get me to hold this, this shank
in my cell.
I'm not doing this, bro.
And you come in my cell, it's on.
Right.
So now we fighting, take this guy out, right?
Choke him out, beat him up.
Drag him out.
Hit him with some elbows.
Now he's leaking.
So drag his ass out into the little modular.
So do they know you can fight before you're in here?
They don't know.
No.
How long before they figure it out?
Well, it took a minute.
It took a minute because most of the fighting goes on in the cell or in a
shower.
You know what I mean?
So when the fight actually broke out in the open, I was fighting multiple
people is what happened.
And then all the fucking guards watched.
Everybody's watching from their cells.
You know, like this is a different time.
So this whole incident takes place.
I beat this guy up.
Take him out of my cell, right?
Now they take him away.
They move this guy out of the modular.
Do they get mad at you?
No, they just come in.
You know, they don't really care.
They don't really care.
The guards don't give a shit.
They don't give a shit.
So you fucked that dude up.
Is he out cold?
Does he have a...
I choked him unconscious.
Do they have to ask him what his story is?
I don't give a fuck.
But they don't ask you?
They just let you go?
It's okay?
No.
Is there a punishment?
That's what I'm getting at.
They locked me in my cell.
I couldn't get on my cell for like two weeks.
Oh, for two weeks.
Yeah.
Just alone in yourself.
Constant.
Nothing but yourself.
So what happens is for a certain amount of hours of the day,
you got to pop the door and let you into a bigger cell,
a bigger room.
You know what I mean?
So I just couldn't get into the day room for like two weeks.
But the crazy shit of it all is like I'm trying to tell you,
I'm trying to learn this system, right?
There's new rules.
So what happens is this kid, this guy, okay,
we talk about the cars and the races, right?
So each race has their own car, which means there's a key holder.
And the key holder to that car controls the race.
So they make decisions for the race.
They try and keep other races out of car wrecks.
Like now we got a feud with the blacks or we got a feud with the Mexicans or
whatever.
They call them car wrecks.
Yeah.
Well, if we get in a fight with them, the key holder is the guy that can
communicate
with the other key holders to the races and try and keep peace.
They don't go and delegate it.
Wow.
Yeah.
And so I didn't had it happen.
We were going to get down with the Mexicans and then our keys will go and they
keys
and we're going to jump.
We're getting ready to jump.
And they shake hands.
All right.
It ain't going.
It ain't going.
And then it go back down.
Wow.
Yeah.
And you're trying to figure all this out.
So what happened was I beat this fool's ass and now I got the keys.
Oh wow.
But I can't have the keys because I'm a first-termer.
So a first-termer is not allowed to have the keys.
But nobody wanted to try to take the keys from me.
So in order for them to take the keys from me, they got to fight me to take the
keys away
from me.
Oh boy.
So that kind of changed the dynamics of the room because now I'm able to
navigate with
these other races and have these conversations with these fucking ignorant
people that don't
understand how to really talk.
You know what I mean?
Like how to communicate and keep things cool.
They misunderstand what this guy says or misinterpret what this guy says.
The next thing you know it's hot for everybody.
And it's just misinterpretations.
Yeah, because they're dumb.
Most of these guys are dumb, bro.
Like they're stupid.
In some ways, you're sitting there listening to these guys.
You're like, these guys really think this shit?
Fighting about the dumbest shit.
Yeah.
So cities fighting over teams fighting over just the dumbest shit.
Xbox and PlayStation.
And somebody said something wrong and then that escalated into something that
was personal.
Yeah.
That's quick.
So now they take me from there.
That incident takes place, right?
And we resolve some of that stuff.
But now these guys are in different modules.
So now they're putting these kites out to try and get me as I'm going to court.
So what happens is they catch a chain with some guys.
And then we go into these holding tanks, all these different holding tanks.
And you get put in that holding tank with that guy that got a kite that's
looking for you.
And now it's on.
It's cracking.
You know what I mean?
Whoa.
So I'm sitting in my cell.
I'm getting ready to go to court.
And there's two huge ass guys.
And they're in there talking to each other about trying to get me.
But they don't know that it's me.
So I'm sitting in there.
I'm listening to everything that they're trying to do and how they're going to
try and set this shit up.
And I'm sitting right in front of them.
And they don't even realize it's me.
Wow.
And I'm thinking, honestly, I'm like, these are big motherfuckers.
I'm thinking, they're going to take me out.
Like, there's only so much you can do.
You know what I mean?
Numbers.
So I make it through that whole process.
And I catch the chain.
And when I catch the chain, they take you from county to state.
And I catch the chain with the same asshole that I got into it with that I took
the keys from.
Oh, my goodness.
He's been in the system a long time, right?
So now we catch the chain.
We go over to Donovan, R.J. Donovan.
It's four yards.
Level four.
Do you know how that works?
No.
Level four being the highest level, most dangerous criminals.
Most dangerous people.
Yeah.
The next level is Superdome in San Diego.
So why'd they bring you to a level four?
Because my charges.
My charges.
Kidnapping.
Kidnapping thing.
Because those charges were so intense, they put you in with those people, you
know?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
So I catch the chain, right?
I go over there.
I catch the chain.
And this guy's just like, I'm going to fucking kill you.
I'm going to kill you.
Like, we're going to get you, you know?
And I'm just thinking the whole time, like, this chain comes off.
I'm going to rip this guy's ass apart again.
You know what I mean?
So I go into reception, and we're in a cell block.
It's like 360 degrees with a gunner and all this stuff, some desks.
And they come check you in.
And now our cell's like, we don't get out of our cell now until they intake us,
right?
So now I'm in there.
It's like three months.
And there's this guy next door.
We start talking through the vent to each other a little bit, you know?
And we're playing chess and shit, like through the little vent to move pieces
around and shit.
And they call me out to the thing to talk to the officers.
And this guy goes, I don't know this guy in the cell next to me.
And I walk past his cell, and I hear him yell through the thing.
He's like, hey, bro, kick that cord over to me.
And I'm like, kick your cord over.
He's like, that cord right there.
Kick that cord over to me when you're coming by.
And I'm like, what the fuck's he want this cord for, you know?
It was connected to this fan, right?
So when I come back, I kick this cord over.
And I wasn't going to do it.
But I was like, fuck it, right?
So I kick this cord over there.
And next thing you know, in the night, I get this fish come through, right?
Like they make a string, right, with the thing on it.
Swing it out into your cell.
And you take this kite, and then you can read the information on it or whatever,
you know?
So I ki