Name: Mike Tyson Talks About Tigers
Uploaded: 2022-04-15T17:21:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mike Tyson Talks About Tigers' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mike Tyson Talks About Tigers' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-15. Transcript available.

- The Joe Rogan Experience.
- This area in the Sundarbans,
these guys, they have to do a survey
of how many tigers there are just so they can keep track.
And they go with rifles, and they have these helmets on.
And the helmets have a face on the back of the head.
- Yeah, that's what I had to do.
My cat had a mask, I had a mask.
- Really, you had to do that?
- When I turn around, he had a mask, yeah.
- Wow.
- You had to do that or he would jump on you?
- Well, they think I'm running and shit.
- Oh my god. - And they're playing.
And if they accidentally,
'cause they chew on my arm and stuff,
and if they accidentally bite my head,
they can hurt me by accident, they don't mean it.
- Right, right, right.
- When they're on my shoulder and arm,
I let 'em bite me and my legs and stuff.
- And you're just playing?
- Yeah, but they could pierce my skull.
- Jesus.
How big did they get?
- 600, 500.
That's when they're eating good, man.
That's when they're eating good.
- But you never felt nervous around them,
or you never felt like they might
kill one of your friends accidentally?
- Definitely one of my friends and my family member.
You know, the relationship with tigers
and stuff are different than with lions and stuff.
Lions are like dogs and stuff.
They like hanging out with family,
but tigers only hang out with you.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, only with you.
And you better hope he doesn't like one of your children.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Because then you can't play with your children.
He might kill you.
- Oh my god.
- It's crazy.
That's what the tigers are crazy.
They get attached to one person.
They're not no family people, one person.
Whoa, they don't fuck around with a whole bunch of people.
They're not like lying lions,
hanging out there on the front table of your table,
hanging out with the family and stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah, tigers don't do that.
You notice in the wild, they don't even want--
anything that see them, they're gonna kill.
- Yeah.
- They don't even want to be seen.
The only time they're with a female is when it's mating season.
That's the mating season.
If they see you, they're gonna kill you.
- I wonder why they have that coloration,
that beautiful pattern on their body.
I wonder if that's just 'cause it's so--
when you see a tiger that looks that stunning,
like all the-- I bet it makes you freeze more.
- Yeah.
- Because it's so stunning.
Like, they look so-- they look beautiful.
- When I was over at a gentleman's house
that had a tiger, we were talking about,
and I saw this cat, it's called a tabby.
They're different than the stripe.
They have, like, patches of orange.
They're not stripes, they're patches.
I'm like, cream color.
And I was gonna hug the cat, and he said,
"Mike, don't hug the cat.
"Just go down a little."
'Cause it was so pretty, I was like, "Oh my god!"
And he said, "No, Mike, don't touch it."
And I forget it wasn't my cat.
If it's not your cat, don't touch the cat.
- Yeah.
- If it's not your cat, don't touch it.
- Some cats will fuck you up.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, cats-- - Without knowing.
They hit you, they punch you just like,
pow, and knock you cold.
- Yeah.
- Knock you cold.
- But having a big cat for a pet, eventually--
- I used to swim in the pool with them.
- Really?
- And they love swimming.
- So what did you do when you weren't around?
Like, if you had to leave, if you had to go to camp,
if you had to do anything, like,
what did you do with the cats?
- They came with me.
- Really?
They traveled with you?
- I had 18 wheels, they had big trucks.
- Whoa.
- They lived big, baby.
I'm the heavyweight champ of the world.
They lived big.
When I go somewhere, they go with me.
- Wow.
- Even if it take days in the thing.
- Wow.
- I would have them expedited on the plane.
I would have--
- Wow.
- I just, I didn't care.
- So when you got to a place,
like say if you were training,
like for a fight, and you brought them with you,
what would you do, have a cage set up for them?
- No, I would have the trucks.
I would always have the encavement,
already built at the house.
But first thing more than all,
I would have my receipt for my tax.
You know, you have to have,
every time they move, you have to have a license for them.
Like if they move to Vegas,
all right, we have to have the Vegas.
Like they move to New York, we need a New York license.
- Right, right, right.
- And New York is so hard to get a license
for live animals, you know, endangered species.
So hard.
- There was a dude, they found an alligator
in his apartment. - Listen, an alligator.
No, no, that's not what happened.
This is what they had, in New York, right?
- Yes, in New York.
- He had an alligator in the bathtub.
- Right, and a tiger.
- Yeah, and they started, oh, that's stupid.
Listen, just listen to this.
No, you have to listen, you gonna listen to this?
- Yes, please.
- He thought he was somebody's false parent.
The tiger and the lion started to fight.
The tiger, no, the tiger and the alligator started fighting,
and he tried to break it up.
- Can you imagine you had an alligator and a tiger
in your apartment? - No, they fucked them up.
Since you brought it up, of course.
No, listen, how do you do that in New York City?
The tiger's 400 pounds, man.
Ain't no little tiger. - It's so big.
- It's not a little tiger.
Remember the guy in the subway had a 500 pound tiger?
- Yeah.
- It was a guy that lived in New York in the subway.
He had a 500 pound tiger in the subway.
- That is so crazy.
Look at the size of that thing.
- Look at this stuff, look at the New York police.
Look, I told you, this is in his house, man.
- That is so crazy.
That is so-- - No, no, no.
- Look how big that thing is, man.
- No, no, no.
- Joe, Joe.
- Look how big that is.
- No, no, Joe, my cat was a joke.
He was living with these cats.
Look, that's my cat's that big, but Joe, look.
We're living with these cats, and they're not trained.
- Oh my God.
- My cat lives with me, sleeps in my bed.
This cat, this cat's not, this is a wild cat, man.
- Oh my God, look at the face of that thing.
- Look at this cat, this is a wild cat.
You can't hang out with this cat, man.
- They're so beautiful, though, like, look at his face.
Look at that face of that cat in the window with the cop.
- Listen, that's the 42 fake-out, man.
- I'm standing, he's hanging, by the way.
He's like, floating in the air.
- He's looking at this cat.
- Oh, he's dropping down from the ceiling.
And he's looking at it and seeing the cat.
Oh my God.
- I know, he's like, ain't this some bullshit?
- Look at that cat's face, though.
Look how pretty they are.
- Oh no, that's the fake-out, man.
They're pretty, that's how they get you to fucking stand still.
- I think that's what I'm saying.
I think they're so beautiful, I think that might be it.
Because their colorations, I mean, it's not sneaky.
- No, but this is the thing, right?
This is the thing, I never understood about tigers, right?
They got some old, they don't want you to look at them.
- No, cats don't want you to look at them.
- That's what, all cats are like that.
Yeah, the tigers don't want you to look at them.
What's your fucking problem, man?
You know, I'm gonna play with them.
- Dogs have a problem with that, too, sometimes.
- They don't make that face-to-face stuff.
- Well, they think you're challenging them.
- That's what it is?
They don't understand.
- I'm thinking about my love, I'm doing like love.
I think you love me, pooh, you hit me in the face.
- They don't know that, they don't know that.
When they love each other, it's like sideways action.
They, you know, they love on each other,
but they don't like stare eye-to-eye.
Eye-to-eye is like, I don't know what you're thinking.
You might be challenging.
- Next thing you know, you're going through your head a while.
- Some dogs will do that if you eyeball them.
That's why they're so crazy.
- I never knew that since you said look in the face.
- They think you're challenging them for dominance.
Like my golden retriever, you met Marshall.
- When he was here.
- Yeah, we have pictures of you cuddling with them.
But those are like the sweetest dogs.
They don't challenge you ever.
So he never like really, he looks me in the eyes
just because we've known each other for so long.
He knows it's not like a challenging thing,
that we're just being sweet to each other.
But even a dog like that doesn't like looking you in the eye.
- They like looking around your eyes.
They look at your face.
- You know what's interesting about big cats,
especially tigers, if a tiger, if you go like,
I see my tiger running in the caveman.
If I go and I see him, he's happy to see me.
They run to the gate.
I go in, I play with him, I bring him out with me.
But if I go there and they're like this,
nah, they're not the day to go in there.
Now they're just looking at you like this.
- You stare him eye-to-eye.
He'll be like, what the fuck are you doing?
- When they're looking at you like this,
and I'm going, pfft, pfft.
And then I ask, they're just looking at you.
No, no, that's not a good day.
Don't go in there that day when they're just looking at you.
- It's crazy that people love to have pets like that.
They love it.
Like, to live in an apartment and have a tiger like that.
- Yeah, and then I can kill them.
- How much did he have to feed it?
- Listen.
- And where's all the shit going?
- They don't eat much, but they eat all day.
- Oh.
- They eat a little all day.
- Well, they're so big.
So he must be just giving it raw meat, right?
- Yeah, chicken, yeah, a lot of chicken.
I like giving them chicken, and I give them horse meat.
- Like, you give them a whole chicken, right?
- I give them two or three of them,
but then I give them the horse meat.
This is when it gets fun,
when you get the whole side of a cow or a horse,
like this whole rib in you.
Just throw it in there, and they slam it, boom!
And hit it against the fence,
and hit it in the air, and they grab it,
and they run inside.
- Wow.
- Good joke.
- Good joke.