Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1809 - Jessica Kirson
Uploaded: 2022-04-26T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1809 - Jessica Kirson' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1809 - Jessica Kirson' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1809 - Jessica Kirson

the Joe Rogan experience
Well, it's the way easier for you to say that I'm part one I'm watching this
fucking Johnny Depp
I've happened but I'm dying to know about it. I'm watching this trial like it's
a cautionary tale
It's a cautionary tale about believing in bullshit
Like forming a narrative in your head like we're rebels together. We're gonna.
Yeah, you know
It's that's what I felt like about Anthony Bourdain and his relationship to
that crazy woman
But and then you're seeing it all play out in court like you've seen all the
crazy come out
You know, do you know the fact like he talked about her shitting in his bed.
Yeah. Yeah, it's great
So hot it's do you think no no, no, right? It's a real problem
Hard to forget it's a real problem
that's hard to forget, but
She said that she used this specific makeup to cover all of her bruises that
Johnny gave her which is not true
Specific makeup and that's possible. The problem is it was a specific makeup
It turns out that the company didn't even make that makeup at the time that she
was claiming she was using it. Oh, wow
That's great. Really? Yeah, but that's what happens with people like that. Yeah
people that are just completely
Manipulative and full of shit like that
Doug Stanhope knows her his Dan helps to get stand hopes buddies with Johnny Depp
and he wrote something about you know
Like I forget what he wrote
I think he wrote like a little essay about how full of shit she is and she
threatened to sue him
And I think he had to wind up taking it down. I hope I'm not fucking that up
But he knows her he knows her well and he's like she's out of her fucking mind
and I'm like like like a crazy actress
He's like, yeah, like those are real. Of course. There's a ton of that. There's
a lot of them. That's why they're good
That is why they're good. Yeah, they're great actresses. They just are crying.
Oh, yeah
Yeah, it's the whole Johnny Depp thing is just
He was famous when he was 20 and I don't think you get any kind of perspective
like that. I think you're fucked
It's like it's like making cement, but you don't add in all the ingredients and
it's like, oh, I never cured, right?
Yeah, well, I I mean Johnny Depp what happened? He looks it's rough. It's 55
years of coke
He looks great for what he's doing. He's like 60, right?
Yeah, but then he started at five
He's got to be 60 what is the 58 58 he looks like it's 55 years of doughnuts
coke
It would make you look thin and well, he's not athletic. He's not like working
out. Yeah, he's not taking care of himself and
For a long time at least he smoked cigarettes. I don't know if he still does
but all those factors
They contribute to poor health
He's he the outfits aren't great either. Where is she shopping? Yeah, he's
Both of them, right? Yeah, she's copying him supposedly. She like mimics his
outfits
Let's see what's going on here. I just had a weird tie on. Oh, it's just white
Just white that looks like it's fur. It's very short. I think that's a vest
Oh, yeah, okay. Okay, it's tucked into a vest. Oh, okay. That is a vest. Yeah,
it's hard
We're looking at low-resolution photos. I mean the whole thing is just he has a
bob
Here's the problem even if he wins she doesn't have any money
Like if he gets 50 million dollars in a settlement the only good thing is
everybody knows now
And this is a good thing. This is one of the reasons why it's good that he did
this everyone knows now
Like there's something wrong with her. Yeah, like there's something wrong,
right? There's some sort of like
Mental issue whatever there's a lot of mental issues and you said she shit in
his bed
See I have I didn't say that they said that who's they the people on the news
Well, they're always right
Okay, so they said that she shit in his bed for what reason to our territory
Johnny Depp testifies
That might be Amber Heard ate a cheesy gordita crunchy
Breaking news
Okay, let's see that might be fake news
We're gonna find out whether or not Amber Heard shit in the bed next on the Joe
Rogan experience
Okay, it's news week
Okay clips of Johnny Depp accusing amber Heard of defecating in bed go viral
the imagine what a slow week for news
Then news week is like fuck Syria
Forget about the Ukraine. Let's let's find out about hospitals being blown up
in Ukraine
But let's find out if she shit in his bed look at him. I'm on my side of the
bed was human fecal matter
Let me hear how he says it
It wasn't a good time human fecal matter
Jesus Christ
So I understood why it wasn't a good time to go down there she was sitting on
one side of the couch I was sitting on the other
She that's when she was trying to explain
She that's when she was trying to explain
A few things about Coachella
And the fecal delivery
And saying that it was the dog
And I could I'm sorry I could not agree with her I lived with those dogs picked
up their fun
It was not the dogs
It was not the dogs
Look at his face first of all he's this is a big win for Johnny Depp and a big
loss of pirates of caribbeans
How about fuck you guys you got rid of the best fucking pirate you've ever had
for a crazy lady
You fucked up fecal delivery
Yeah fecal delivery
Daddy I just made fecal delivery
Can you change me?
What's fecal delivery?
That's a nice way of saying in court
She shit the bed because you can't say that in court
I made a fecal delivery
What happens if he said she shit in my bed in court?
Do they kick you out?
Do they get mad at you?
She made a dump in my bed
I bet you could say dump she dumped excuse me
Objection
She the defendant is using slang she fucking shit in my bed
Did you see him smirking that's what made me laugh so hard yeah
Through all of this
But this is like what can happen to a guy like that if you get caught up in
that romantic idea that this is my woman
And he didn't even sign a prenup
He was worth like 300 million dollars
Oh my god
And he didn't sign a prenup
What an idiot you know what then he like
Embers
Insisted we were in love
We wouldn't need a prenup
And like I didn't expect her to take a fucking shit in my bed
How long were they even married for?
I don't know 11 days
I just said they're in Virginia in Fairfax, Virginia
That's where the court is yeah
I wonder if it's like favorable for plaintiffs there
You know because it's a civil though. It's a civil case where he's suing her
for 50 million dollars
It's like a defamation case
The thing is it's like there was a video that or an audio recording that came
out where she was admitting to hitting him
She was admit like she changed this narrative
And the way she was talking about it publicly is that he was abusive
And that she you know she was just this victim and she tried to protect him by
not telling anybody
And then there's I think that's roughly it
And then there was this audio recording that he had secretly recorded
Where she's talking about hitting him
And he said you punched me and he said I didn't punch you I hit you
I didn't punch you I hit you
Yeah that's a good voice
No you punched me
No I didn't I didn't punch you
Yeah you did
No I did it
Yeah you totally punched me
You totally punched me
No I didn't I just I like brushed against you
And you deposited feces in my bed
I think the finger argument when she cut his finger off
This is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard
Yeah
What was they what were they arguing about?
I want to say it might have something to do with the prenup
The finger argument
I think it was about the depositing of feces
Can you imagine if it was the other way around?
If the woman had 300 million dollars and the guy was like
cutting her finger off because she wouldn't sign a prenup
He'd be put in jail for the rest
She threw a fucking bottle at him
Why did she find out please?
Because I don't want to get sued
Did they ever explain why she deposited feces in his bed?
Well the fecal delivery was unexpected
I coughed and it just came out
She probably did ex-lax cut ecstasy
Like ecstasy that's cut with ex-lax
You know they do that
With ex-lax?
Yes, they cut cocaine
They cut cocaine with ex-lax
Are you kidding me?
No, not at all
Because cocaine is already ex-lax
No, they definitely do
They do it
Why?
Because they're dirty people
That are just trying to make money off you
Right?
Like the drug dealers
That's horrible because cocaine made me shit like a motherfucker
Did it?
The second I did cocaine I shit my brains out
Really?
Yes
It's like coffee then
Yeah, you never did cocaine?
No, I've never done cocaine
I didn't know that
That's incredible that you've never done cocaine
It made me go right away
It made me anxious
So I went immediately
When I was in high school
One of my good friends had a cousin that was selling coke
Yeah
And I saw him lose his
Like literally lose his life
He's still alive
Yeah
But I mean everything fell apart
He lost all this weight
It was just hiding in
They had an attic apartment
They were in this attic apartment all day
And all they doing was doing coke
Selling coke and watching tv
And I was like whoa
Yeah
It's bad
I had a very hard time on that
I got very paranoid
I looked out of a peephole for six hours at a time
Depp said he painted with the blood on his finger
After it was cut during a fight with Hurd
During the testimony of a violent argument
Australia 2005
Hurd through claimed
Resulted the tip of his finger being cut off
Was it but what was the um
What was the reason for it?
Hurd threw two vodka bottles on at him
And when one exploded sliced his finger to the point where the bone was exposed
What was the argument about?
I think the argument was
Well then he then
This is what he wrote on the mirror
What had to do with Billy Bob
Reminders
Billy Bob and Easy Amber
Oh no Billy Bob Thornton fucked her
That guy's a stud
He fucked Angelina Jolie
He fucked her
Which is so
I mean I would kill to fuck Angelina Jolie
How much would you kill?
Like a puppy?
Like a whole kindergarten
Fucking class
Of my own children
Oh back then too
She was super young
She was smoking hot
And they were doing the blood thing where they took each other's blood and put
it in a vial and hung it around their neck
Yep
Yep
They must have been doing wild shit together
Yeah
Yeah
Sometimes them couples
Them fiery couples
Them
They get together
They get together and that's what happens
Oh yeah
Yeah they mix
They mix liquids
Yeah
Throw bottles at each other
Yeah
Fucking bash each other's heads into the wall
Shitting each other's beds
Fuck
We're partying
We're rock stars bitch
Billy Bob
Billy Bob Thornton insists he didn't sleep with Amber Heard
He says it's not true
Oh
That's what he says
Well if he's saying that it's probably not true
Her eyes
Her eyes
Look
It's crazy
Look in her eyes
Yes
Or
He wants to fuck her again
Oh yeah
He's like I didn't but I will now
Maybe he wants to fuck her again
Maybe he's single
And like
She contacted him
Like this is such a bullshit
Like fucking Johnny
Is doing this to me
And it's like it's so traumatic
Yeah listen
That sucks
Listen
Don't worry
I mean I'll just
Cover for you
If you want to deposit
Feces in my bed
Well okay
Fecal delivery
The fuck
It's like
We're getting a chance
To see
Through this Will Smith thing
With Jada Pinkett
Through this Johnny Depp thing
With Amber Heard
Like
These
You can't
They're not just like
Protected by publicists anymore
It's not like
They can just hide
And you think of them
As these impossible people
Who are without flaws
And then when they die
You like see the autobiography
And you're like
Oh
Joan Crawford was fucking crazy
Right
That's so true
You found out years later
That they shit in a bed
That's what it used to be like
Now you see it
You actually watch them
Shitting in a bed
On OnlyFans
Amber has to pay the bills
Imagine
It's like Amber
Shitting the bed
On OnlyFans
Now pretty soon
You're going to watch
The shit
Come out of
Some celebrity's asshole
For sure
If they need money
Right
For sure
For sure
If it gets hard
It's hard times
Like in between films
Did you see
The shit
Come out of Britney Spears
Ass
On video
