Name: The Johnny Depp-Amber Heard Trial
Uploaded: 2022-04-26T18:26:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Johnny Depp-Amber Heard Trial' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Johnny Depp-Amber Heard Trial' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience. I'm watching this trial like it's a cautionary tale
It's a cautionary tale about believing in bullshit
Like forming a narrative in your head like we're rebels together. We're gonna.
Yeah, you know
It's that's what I felt like about Anthony Bourdain and his relationship to
that crazy woman
But and then you're seeing it all play out in court like you've seen all the
crazy come out
You know, do you know the fact like he talked about her shitting in his bed.
Yeah. Yeah, it's great
It's do you think no, no, no, right? It's a real problem
Hard to forget it's a real problem
that's hard to forget but
She said that she used this specific makeup to cover all of her bruises that
Johnny gave her which is not true
Specific makeup and that's possible. The problem is it was a specific makeup
Makeup and it turns out that the company didn't even make that makeup at the
time that she was claiming she was using it. Oh, wow
That's great. Really? Yeah, but that's what happens with people like that. Yeah
people that are just completely
Manipulative and full of shit like that
Doug Stanhope knows her his Dan helps the good Stan helps buddies with Johnny
Depp and he wrote something
But you know, like I forget what he wrote. I think he wrote like a little essay
about how full of shit
She is and she threatened to sue him and I think he had to wind up taking it
down
I hope I'm not fucking that up, but uh, he knows her
He knows her well and he's like she's out of her fucking mind and I'm like like
like a crazy actress
He's like, yeah, like those are real of course. There's a ton of that. There's
a lot of them. That's why they're good
That is why they're good. Yeah, they're great actresses. They just are crying.
Oh, yeah
Yeah, it's the whole Johnny Depp thing is just
He was famous when he was 20 and I don't think you get any kind of perspective
like that. I think you're fucked
It's like it's like making cement, but you don't add in all the ingredients and
it's like, oh, I never cured, right?
Yeah, well, I I mean Johnny Depp what happened? He looks it's rough
55 years of coke
He looks not 75 he looks great for what he's doing. He's like 60, right?
Yeah, but then he started at 5. He started doing coke at 5. How old is Johnny
Depp?
He's got to be 60. What is he? 58?
He looks like it's 55 years of doughnuts. Coke it would make you look thin and
He's not athletic. He's not like working out. Yeah, he's not taking care of
himself and for a long time at least he smoked cigarettes
I don't know if he still does but all those factors
Contribute to poor health
He's he the outfits aren't great either. Where is she shopping? Yeah, he's
Both of them, right? Yeah, she's copying him supposedly she like mimics his
outfits
Let's see what's going on here. I just had a weird tie on. Oh, it's just white
Just white that looks like it's fur. It's very short. I think that's a vest.
Okay. Okay. It's tucked into a vest
Oh, okay. That is a vest. Yeah, it's hard. We're looking at low-resolution
photos
I mean the whole thing is just he has a Bob
Here's the problem even if he wins she doesn't have any money
Like if he gets 50 million dollars in a settlement the only good thing is
Everybody knows now and this is a good thing
This is one of the reasons why it's good that he did this everyone knows now
like there's something wrong with her
Yeah, like there's something wrong, right? There's some sort of like
Mental issue whatever there's a lot of mental issues and you said she shit in
his bed
See, I have I didn't say that they said that who's they the people on the news
Well, they're always right
That's what I found out the last year
Okay, so they said that she shit in his bed for what reason to our territory
Johnny Depp testify
I might be amber heard 80 cheesy gordita crunch
That might breaking news
Okay, let's see that might be fake news
We're gonna find out whether or not amber heard shit in the bed next on the Joe
Rogan experience
Okay, it's Newsweek
Okay, clips of Johnny Depp accusing amber heard of defecating in bed go viral
the imagine what a slow week for news
Newsweek is like fuck Syria forget about the Ukraine
Let's let's find out about hospitals being blown up in Ukraine
But let's find out if she shit in his bed look at him. I'm on my side of the
bed was human fecal matter
Let me hear how he says it
There wasn't a good time human fecal matter
Jesus Christ
So I understood why
It wasn't a good time to go down there
She was sitting on one side of the couch. I was sitting on the other
She that's when she was trying to explain a few things about Coachella
and the fecal
Delivery
And saying saying that it was the dog and I could I'm sorry, I could not agree
with her. I lived with those dogs
I picked up their fun
It was not
The dogs
Look at his face. First of all, he's this is a big win for Johnny Depp and a
big loss of the Pirates of the Caribbean. How about fuck you guys?
You got rid of the best fucking pirate you've ever had for a crazy lady
You fucked up
Fecal delivery
Yeah, fecal delivery
Daddy, I just made fecal delivery
Daddy, I just made fecal delivery
Can you change me?
What's fecal delivery?
That's a nice way of saying in court
She shit the bed
Because you can't say that in court
I made a fecal delivery
What happens if he said she shit in my bed in court?
Do they kick you out?
Do they get mad at you?
She made a dump in my bed
I bet you could say dump
She dumped
Excuse me
Objection
The defendant is using slang
She fucking shit in my bed
Yeah
Fucking bitch shit in my bed
Did you see him smirking?
That's what made me laugh so hard
Yeah
Through all of this
But this is like what can happen to a guy like that
If you get caught up in that romantic idea that this is my woman
He didn't even sign a prenup
He was worth like 300 million dollars
Oh my god
And he didn't sign a prenup
What an idiot
You know what?
Then he like
Well, Amber insisted we were in love
We wouldn't need a prenup
And like I didn't expect her to take a fucking shit in my bed
How long were they even married for?
I don't know, 11 days
I just said they're in Virginia
In Fairfax, Virginia
That's where the court is?
Yeah
I wonder if it's like favorable for plaintiffs there
You know, because it's a civil
It's a civil case
Where he's suing her for 50 million dollars
It's like a defamation case
The thing is it's like
There was a video or an audio recording that came out
Where she was admitting to hitting him
She was admit
Like she changed this narrative
And the way she was talking about it publicly
Is that he was abusive
And that she, you know
She was just this victim
And she tried to protect him
By not telling anybody
And then there's
I think that's roughly it
And then there was this audio recording
That he had secretly recorded
Where she's talking about hitting him
And he said
You punched me
And he said
I didn't punch you
I hit you
I didn't punch you
I hit you
Yeah, that's a good voice
No, you punched me
No, I didn't
I didn't punch you
Yeah, you did
No, I did it
Yeah, you totally punched me
You totally punched me
No, I didn't
I just
I like brushed against you
Yeah
And you deposited feces in my bed
I think the finger argument
When she cut his finger off
This is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard
Yeah
What was they
What were they arguing about?
I want to say
It might have something to do with the prenup
The finger argument
I think it was about
The depositing of feces
Can you imagine if it was the other way around
If the woman had $300 million
And the guy was like
Cutting her finger off
Because she wouldn't sign a prenup
He'd be put in jail for the rest
She threw a fucking bottle at him
Why did she
Find out, please
Because I don't want to get sued
He painted with the blood on his finger
After it was cut during a fight with Herd
During the testimony of violent argument
Australia 2005
Herd threw
Claimed
Resulted in the tip of his finger being cut off
Was it
But what was the
What was the reason for it?
Herd threw two vodka bottles at him
And when one exploded
Sliced his finger to the point
Where the bone was exposed
But what was the argument about?
I think the argument was
Well then he
Then this is what he wrote on the mirror
What had to do with Billy Bob
Reminders
Billy Bob and Easy Amber
Oh no
Billy Bob Thornton fucked her
That guy's a stud
He fucked
Angelina Jolie
He fucked her
Which is so
I mean I would kill to fuck Angelina Jolie
How much would you kill?
Like a puppy?
Like a whole kindergarten
Fucking class
Of my own children
Back then too
She was super young
She was smoking hot
And they were doing the blood thing
Where they took each other's blood
And put it in a vial
And hung it around their neck
Yep
Yep
They must have been doing wild shit together
Yeah
Yeah
Sometimes them couples
Them fiery couples
Them
They get together
They get together
And that's what happens
Oh yeah
Yeah
They mix
They mix liquids
And fucking
Throw bottles at each other
Yeah
Fucking bash each other's heads
Into the wall
Shitting each other's beds
Fuck
We're partying
We're rock stars
Bitch
Billy Bob
Billy Bob Thornton
Insists he didn't sleep
With Amber Heard
He says it's not true
Oh
That's what he says
Well if he's saying that
It's probably not true
Her eyes
Her eyes
Look
It's crazy
Look in her eyes
Yes
Or
He wants to fuck her again
Oh yeah
And he
He's like
I didn't
But I will now
Maybe he wants to fuck her again
Maybe he's single
And like
She contacted him
Like this is such a bullshit
Like fucking Johnny
Is doing this to me
And it's like
It's so traumatic
Yeah listen
That sucks
Listen
Don't worry
I mean I'll just
Cover for you
If you want to deposit
Feces in my bed
Wow okay
Fecal delivery
The fuck
It's like
We're getting a chance
To see
Through this Will Smith thing
With Jada Pinkett
Through this Johnny Depp thing
With Amber Heard
Like
These
You can't
They're not just like
Protected by publicists anymore
It's not like
They can just hide
And you think of them
As these impossible people
Who are without flaws
And then when they die
You like see the autobiography
And you're like
Oh
Joan Crawford was fucking crazy
Right
That's so true