Name: Christina P Doesn't Like New Superheroes
Uploaded: 2022-05-13T17:29:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christina P Doesn't Like New Superheroes' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christina P Doesn't Like New Superheroes' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-13. Transcript available.

- The Joe Rogan Experience.
- But I was gonna bring up,
have you seen the new The Batman?
- Yes.
- Well, how do you feel?
- I loved it.
- You did?
- You hated it?
- I hated it.
- Tell me why.
- Okay, first of all, he's total limp dick.
Like, he doesn't even bang fucking Zoe Kravitz
at the end, who's like the hot ass.
- He kissed her at least.
- Did they French?
Did he French-er?
- I mean, it was like a real kiss.
- Very chaste.
So here's what I think.
He's got no dick and balls.
He's a reluctant-
- Do you really think he has no dick and balls?
- No dick and balls, because he's a reluctant hero,
and nothing aggravates me more.
Here's who Batman is.
He's fucking Bruce Wayne.
He's a multimillionaire.
He enjoys being Batman.
He enjoys his cars.
He enjoys being the powerful hero.
He puts on the suit, "I'm Batman."
Remember fucking Vicki Vale and the guy,
who's the Beetlejuice, when Beetlejuice was Batman?
- Yeah, Michael Keaton.
- Michael Keaton crushed it, and he crushed puss,
and he was a virile male.
This Batman is like, "I've got fucking feelings."
His hair is in his eye.
And like, "What are you doing?"
Wipe your pussy and go be a hero.
- Wow.
- Same with Spider-Man.
Did you see that horse shit?
- You didn't like Spider-Man either?
- They're all fucking crying the whole time.
- I loved it.
- I started crying.
- There's multiverse.
There's multiple Spider-Mens.
- And they're all fucking having their periods
at the same time.
I don't want to see it.
Show me men.
I want my heroes.
- Do you like the Hulk?
- I love the Hulk.
Because that's the dichotomy of human nature.
That's Jekyll and Hyde.
It's a very traditional story.
I love the Hulk, his big green Hulk cock.
I love him.
Look at him.
- Michael Keaton.
- I liked him.
Oh, you know who I love?
The Christian Bale.
- Christian Bale was the best Batman.
- That was the best one.
- He was pretty good.
I liked Robert Pattinson as Batman.
I thought it was good.
- I loved Robert Pattinson as the vampire.
- He was great in that too.
- I loved him.
- It's suspension of disbelief.
You have this, you're watching a goofy ass movie
about a weird fake world where a guy can fucking shoot
a grappling hook to the top of a building and it pulls him up.
There's a lot that you just take for granted as nonsense.
The thing about Batman has always been
like Batman was just a rich guy that had access to all this money
so he could buy all this shit and do these things.
- It's hot.
- Which works in a comic book.
It really works in a comic book.
Because in a comic book, you kind of got free license
for him to create a fucking nuclear reactor
that he could put on a jet ski.
You know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Batman has all the money, he can do whatever he wants.
But in movies, you're like,
why is he kicking everybody's ass?
How come nobody gets him?
How come three guys don't gang up on him, take him down and stab him?
- And they're shooting rounds and rounds at him.
No one in fucking Gotham can shoot a gun.
- He's bulletproof.
You just don't shoot him in the chin.
- Oh shit, that's right.
- Question.
So Batman could have been Iron Man, but he chose not to be?
Because that's all Iron Man is.
- That's a very good point.
- That's a good point.
- Very good point.
- I don't think Batman is quite as smart as Iron Man.
- And he doesn't have the heart thing,
which keeps us a big thing, but the money.
- Yeah, but Iron Man is smarter.
Tony Stark is like a legit super genius.
- And he gets laid.
- He hired people to make it, I guess.
- Yeah, Tony Stark is a guy who became rich.
What do you want?
- I want water.
- Oh, that's water in there.
Tony Stark is a guy who became rich because he was brilliant.
- Mmm, I like that.
- The Batman guy, he's just rich.
- Yeah, inherited.
- Yeah, he got it from his parents.
Bruce Wayne is not a brilliant, he's not a super genius.
- That's a good point.
- That's the most important.
- But here's the deal, so I also,
I have a very hard time feeling bad for rich characters.
Like, oh, I'm an orphan.
Well, who cares?
We all are, okay?
A lot of us had shitty parents.
So you've got millions of dollars, go have fun.
- Right.
- Go have fun with this Batman.
I found him to be very just fey and like,
ugh, I don't want to fight.
- But no one was having fun in the whole movie.
The whole movie was, my mom died, everyone's dead,
Coke's everywhere.
- That's what I'm saying.
But the whole movie was dark.
- Yeah, it's a fucking bummer, man.
I don't want to be bummed out.
I want fun, show me some life.
- Who's your favorite, like, superhero character in films?
- That's such a good fucking question.
I don't like Superman 'cause he's too American pie.
I like a little darkness.
- My favorite's Blade.
- Go ahead, Blade.
Can you bring up Blade?
I'm not even sure I've seen this.
- Blade, Wesley Snipes.
- Yeah, yeah, he's dope.
- He killed vampires.
- I like vampires.
- I'm 100% on his side.
- Okay.
- Plus he's a day walker.
He's part vampire.
- How does this work?
So how does this work?
- His mother was bit while he was in the womb.
- So how did, he can walk during the day?
- Yes, he can walk during the day,
but he's got vampire powers.
But they have to keep giving him injections of blood.
- Oh, I like that.
- Because he wants to kill people and eat them.
But he doesn't 'cause he's a good guy.
And he knows karate.
- Dude, I can see all of this lining up for you.
- Yeah, it's my 100% favorite of all those things.
- I like that, dude.
- Yeah.
Wesley Snipes was fucking badass as Blade, too.
It was perfect, 'cause I was a fan of Blade,
the comic book, where he had teak weapons.
He used a really hard wood,
'cause vampires, you gotta put a stake through their heart.
- Yeah.
- So he had teak stakes that he carried with him.
Thank you.