Name: Joe & Andrew Schulz Talk "First Nut's"
Uploaded: 2022-07-23T17:08:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe & Andrew Schulz Talk "First Nut's"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe & Andrew Schulz Talk "First Nut's"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-23. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan Experience
I'm loyal to the jokes. My side is comedy. Right. Your side is
Comedy when we're doing stand-up. Yeah, it's not like we're gonna change the
world. Yeah, it's what's the funniest thing to say
Sometimes it is that teacher fucking the student is funny. Yeah, that's the
funny thing
Yeah, the 16 year old boy getting some pussy from his teacher. That's funny.
That's funny. Objectively funny
Why'd you tell your mom high school football coach fucking a 15 year old girl
not not funny make you angry
That makes you pissed off. Yeah, so it's like 35 year old man 15 year old girl
You want violent fuck that guy. We got to get him out of here, right?
35 year old woman hot big cans. How is that a big boy? Did you come?
Are you crying about
Was it hard? What are you saying? I'm just saying here's the thing I actually
think like I know this sounds crazy
But like I actually think there's like a little bit of like heroism in those
women that do that because like they know no 16 year old boy can satisfy them
sexually
Like at 16. I was busting off
Yeah, but once but you could bust off four or five times in a row once you get
that second one in you
I'm a champion
But here's here's where you'd get upset if you found out your 15 year old
You know so many women are like judging us on our first nuts. Yeah
Listen it back in the day. You had a come quick because a leopard might eat you
How did I learn this excuse at 38?
Babe, there's leopards around
It's built in
It's built into the human
You had to come quick
You didn't have real time to be romancing
Bro, it's not our fault that
No, nature built us this way
And they didn't and it didn't build women needing to come to get pregnant
Right
If it built women needing to come to get pregnant, they'd come quick too
Yeah, do you know they taught me that in high school that women have orgasms
when men ejaculate inside of them
So now you're just in the 1980s. That's great. That's how dumb sex education
was in the night. That's great. They taught us that
I remember I'm I'm I know I'm not remembering this wrong because I remember
being in high school and I think I was like
14 or 15 years old going. I don't think that's right
My limited understanding of orgasms have never been around one
I'd never made a girl calm. I'd never had sex
But I kind of understood sex and I'd seen porn and I'd seen like magazines and
stuff and I'm like
I don't think that's it
I don't think that's right
And I remember a buddy of mine was telling me yeah girl can't even come unless
you come inside of her
I was like, man, this just seems sus
This seems very suspect
Like this is like
That's how you have teenage pregnancy
But it's just right like if you learn that in school, right, you're gonna nut
in these girls. Yeah
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like that's the worst thing you could tell a teenager who's
feeling insecure and wants to satisfy a girl
And now he's gonna take the ultimate sacrifice. Yeah, and the first time like a
girl came with me
It was like me going down to my girlfriend when she was like 16 and I was 16
And I was like, well, obviously the fuck
I didn't come inside her. This is bullshit
But I'm like you sure you came like
Because you thought she was lying because
Do you remember those days? Do you remember those days where you weren't like
Did you remember the first time a girl made me orgasm from a blowjob?
I nutted so hard my ears rang
I've never had that since
I was like my ears were like this
It's like the first hit of heroin
I've been chasing that monkey ever since
I'll never forget this
Dude, when I was younger
When I was younger this I'm really young
I learned what jerking off was but I didn't cum yet
I'm no bullshit
I would jerk my dick in the shower
Stop
I would pee
And then I would put my finger in front of the pee
And then I'd taste my finger to see it
I was like, well is this cum?
I swear to God
I swear to God in my life
I was tasting pee off my finger
Because I didn't know what an orgasm was
I didn't know the feeling
You don't know the feeling yet
So there's no way to understand it
And then I remember the first time
I actually did cum
And I was like, I don't even need to taste that
One of the first times that I had sex with my girlfriend in high school
I pulled out and I shot a load in my face
In your own?
In my own face
Because I was on top of her
Yeah
And we were having sex
And I pulled out
And I just went
It just shot right in my mug
Because back then
You would shoot
Because I didn't really jerk off back then
Yup, you had it packed in
So I was shooting like a broken fire
And you just
Bah!
Bah!
Bah!
It was just going
It was just going
It was just going
Yup, yup, yup
I hit my face once
Yeah
I hit my face
This side
A girl was on top
Hopped off
Boom
Smack this side of my face
I hit myself right in the face
Yeah
Right in the nose
The mouth
Yup
It was just like
And you know what?
You know what ladies?
It's not that bad
It's not that bad
What's all the hullabaloo about?
But
It's also because it was my own
I still don't want my own
If it wasn't another guy's
But I don't want it
That would be a real problem
Oh that's true
I don't want other guys
But theirs
I mean we're so like intimate with them
Like when we're going down on them
There's no
Like the fluids are there
Have you seen that video?
There's a girl
She's on a podcast
And she's talking to this guy about
She's a porn star
She's talking to this guy
About how her boyfriend was asleep
And so she wanted to fuck her ex
So she ran down to the gas station
Cap
Have you seen it?
Cap
I don't believe it's real
Really?
It's in like Toronto, right?
Like the girl's a
I saw I think Six Buzz
Which is a Toronto Instagram account
It's like TMZ for Toronto
Yeah I don't know if it's in Toronto
That's fake
Or America
But she was saying
Her ex-boyfriend came inside of her
And then she came home
And then her current boyfriend
Ate her pussy
And was talking about
How good her pussy tasted
He was eating her ex-boyfriend's cum
You don't believe it?
Cloud chase
Cloud chase
Interesting
Do you believe that honestly
A girl would do that?
I'd like to believe it
Because it's disgusting
Or is it hot?
Well it's not hot to me
You fucking weirdo
No, let me take you
To a brothel in Pompeii, bro
We'll figure all this out
Why are you so judgmental?
Right?
Exactly
It's like
Yo dude
Some people wanna eat cum
They've been doing this for thousands of years
Well there's gotta be a guy out there
That does want to
Have a girl
Get cream-pied
And then eat the cum out of her
Those guys are real
And he shouldn't even know he likes it
How's that?
Meaning like
How much other shit do you gotta do
Before you're like
I wanna eat another guy's cum out of a pussy
Right, right, right
Do you know what I'm saying?
How do you go through the whole gambit of things?
I remember I had this conversation with a girl
She was like
Pineapple makes a guy's cum taste better
I go
How many dicks do you have to suck
Before you figure that out?
I was thinking
You like asparagus?
Nope
Roast beef
Don't like it
Pineapple
Hey
Hey
Funny you mention that
I'm Hawaiian
Blueberries
Woah
Blueberries
Dude imagine
Funny you mention that
I'm Hawaiian
Imagine
What a cock connoisseur you gotta be
To meet a guy
And know what fruits or vegetables
He's been needing to know this cum taste
I taste what?
I taste coconut
Yo
I'm fucking crying bro