Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1847 - Theo Von
Uploaded: 2022-07-26T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1847 - Theo Von' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1847 - Theo Von' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-26. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1847 - Theo Von

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
How many times have you smoked this run?
I don't know if I've smoked one before.
You open that again one more time, sorry.
I would just pull it down.
Yeah, flip the top.
There you go, and then pull that down.
There you go.
How would you not know whether or not you've smoked a cigar?
Well, I used to work at this business company.
I worked at this insurance company.
I did paperwork, not paperwork, but I, like, mailed papers for them and, like,
mailings, I guess.
I guess that's paperwork.
Yeah.
And the man had a lot of nice cigars in there.
And you may or may not have smoked one.
I feel like he tried to teach you one time.
Oh, I feel my heart shutting.
Is that always like it is?
No, no, your heart doesn't shut.
My shit's fucking...
I think it's the smelling salts.
We just tried a new batch of the smelling salts.
Last time I did smelling salts, first time was with you, right?
And we just got a new batch, and it was way stronger.
Because we did one with Red Band, and it was old.
Yeah.
It was the old ones.
And they get weak after a while.
But that one was a freshie.
Like, we pulled the tab off the top and took a hit of it, and it just burned
all my nostril hairs off.
Oh, man.
It felt like somebody was fucking playing Legend of Zelda in my lungs, bro.
The shit was fucking, really.
It goes all...
It goes...
It doesn't even hit your lungs.
I feel like it goes through just into everything else.
It like...
It does a lot.
Yeah, it does a lot.
Can I just tell you your hair looks fabulous?
Oh, thanks, man.
Really?
It looks fabulous.
Thanks, dude.
So, it's just full everything.
I just got some new hair done out of the back, put in the front.
How'd you do that?
Were you losing hair?
Surgery.
Yeah?
Were you losing?
I don't know if I was losing as much as I was...
I've been also getting paranoid and just trying to be preparatory, but I was
having a lot of stress, too.
Oh.
Last year.
What were you having stress about?
Let me think.
Do you want to wear headphones or no?
Oh, yeah.
You want to put one on?
I didn't see you had yours on.
I feel like I'm alone here in headphone land.
Yeah, it is weird, huh?
Now you're back.
It's like when you put a condom on and then the other person's just still
looking at their phone.
You're like, oh, this is weird.
And the person, I mean, is a woman, too.
Jesus Christ.
You got to tell everybody, huh?
Well, I'm just saying.
I was just saying.
I just had a crazy...
I had a trainer the other day, and it was a gay trainer, right?
And he had a purse with him the whole time.
And it just...
What's the difference between a purse and a large shoulder bag?
Okay, this one, I would say it had bejewels on it, you know?
Mmm, bejeweled.
So it had, yeah, you know, it looked like somebody at a...
It looked like something you'd find in Egypt, you know, if you were digging.
It was bedazzled.
If you were digging in a men's locker room, it looked like something you'd find
in Egypt, baby.
You know what I'm talking about, baby?
The purse thing is funny, right?
Because it's like purely a woman's accoutrement.
And it has always been that way.
But, like, why?
Like, backpacks?
Guys can wear backpacks.
Guys can have gym bags.
Guys can have all kinds of bags.
Yeah.
But not a purse.
But meanwhile, guys generally carry more shit than women do, right?
I guess not.
Women carry makeup and stuff.
And guys have their nuts, too, which is like in a little bag, kind of.
You know what I'm saying?
Good point.
So it's almost like your dick has, like, a little purse.
But, um...
Or, like, a hand or something.
A little cum purse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's where you store jizz.
But what else?
Oh, yeah.
So I think...
Yeah, that's interesting.
I guess, yeah.
I guess maybe since women carried more stuff.
I'm not sure.
Let me try to do this thing.
Is it out?
I'm not sure.
I think it's lit, bro.
Just take a puff.
Deep end?
There you go.
Yeah, that sucker's lit.
All right.
You just want to kind of, like, get it going.
Like, is that?
Yeah, don't inhale.
Just kind of get it in your mouth.
And the nicotine will get into your bloodstream.
And then the conversation flows magically.
Yeah.
Do you ever smoke cigarettes?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
I used to smoke them, man.
One time I got so depressed I'd been seeing this gal.
She split up with me.
Damn.
And I smoked probably 33, 34 Newports in a row laying on a...
Futon?
No.
It's a...
What's, like, a floating chair?
It has, like, little things on the end, kind of.
You know what I'm talking about?
A floating chair?
The one you put in the pool?
No.
It has, like, a couple people can sit on it.
But it's, like, a...
It's, like, a couple chairs are together, like, in a group.
And it has, like, chains.
You know what I'm talking about?
People put them on the porch.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Swing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Port swing.
And you just drank, smoked Newports?
Try to get over this lady?
Yeah, they just...
Yeah, they just...
I felt like it was helping my spirit.
What happened with her?
She caught me running around on her.
And I was doing it, too.
Well, when we get upset about that.
Yeah, they do, huh?
They do.
Did you ever get busted for that ever in your life?
Oh, yeah.
Did you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
Especially when I was younger.
Yeah.
Young, like, young, young.
But I busted a lot of girls, too.
One time, this is hilarious, I dated this girl when I was in high school.
And I used to have a job delivering newspapers.
So I used to have to get up every morning, really early.
And I was getting up in the morning a lot of times on, like, Saturday and
Sunday when people were coming home.
And so I got up at, like, whatever it was, four or five in the morning.
Yeah.
I go outside, and this girl that I was dating is making out with this friend of
mine in a car right in front of my house.
Oh, why'd they drive over there to do it?
I don't...
I think maybe...
Like a territorial thing?
She was friends...
No, she was friends with my sister, and I think they were probably all out partying.
And they just wound up there, and they figured, fuck, no one's going to be
awake.
Damn, bro.
So I came outside, and I just slapped my hand on the hood of the car while they
were making out, and looked at him, and I went, ah!
And I just drove off.
Damn, and you had to go do the work still?
Yeah, I was happy about it.
Oh, you were?
Yeah, it wasn't like...
It wasn't like a serious commitment to this lady, this young lady at the time.
Yeah.
It was just like, you know, we're just getting our freak on.
Yeah.
Just being naughty like that.
Yeah, I miss being...
Yeah, it was...
I don't miss...
I mean, I miss it.
I don't miss it, but it was fun whenever you were, like...
Shit used to be so haywire when you were young.
It was like so much weird shit could go on, you know?
Well, it was...
You were wild.
Like, you'd only been making out with people for a couple of years.
Yeah, one time, this guy I knew was having sex with this girl, and, like, the
rest of us
were just kind of being lonely outside of his room, and we went on the balcony.
We went on the...
I was picturing you.
How many guys are outside of the room being lonely?
Three guys.
So one guy's in there getting his freak on, and everybody else is outside.
Oh, yeah.
And because of the sound, you feel so much fucking lonelier, you know?
So...
And we went outside on the balcony to, like, one guy was out there smoking a
cigarette,
and so then he starts listening to the sex through the window.
Then he comes back in, and he's like, you guys get to come in here, you know?
Chucky's doing some work in here, you know what I'm saying?
Like, this is, you know, it's worth coming out, you know?
It's almost like if you hear a good song, like, hey, guys.
Right, right.
So we went out, and the guy leaned too close on the window and fell right
through the fucking
pain glass, dude.
No.
Cut himself up, and then all of a sudden it's all exposed, and they're in there.
Oh, my God.
Oh, it was freaking...
I felt bad for everybody.
How was he leaning like that, where he broke the window?
It was cheap windows.
It was a college apartment complex.
Oh.
Like, probably single-pane glass.
Right.
Like, everything in there was cheap because people just broke it all the time.
Can you imagine being a landlord for a bunch of college kids?
Never.
Oh.
Imagine being a landlord today, because so many people, there was rent
protection during the
pandemic, and people are still like, nah, not paying.
Yeah.
Like, I know a guy who has not collected rent from this one person for three
fucking years,
and he's like, I can't get rid of them.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not making any money.
Like, I have to pay the mortgage, and I'm not making any money off of rent.
Right.
I can't rent it out to anybody else, and I can't get rid of them.
And the lady has a job.
The lady has a job.
She goes to work every day, and won't pay rent.
Oh, that's, she shouldn't do that.
No.
But there's, like, in Los Angeles, there's rent protection.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know if that's still in place.
Is that still in place?
Do you know?
There's a TV show about bad people that do renting.
There's also, um, I saw a, oh, I had a tenant that stayed in an apartment that
I had in
New Orleans for two months and just didn't pay any rent.
Thankfully, it was only two months, but it was just nothing you could do.
You know, by the time you have to go, like, to this, it's just like an-
Did you own an apartment building?
Yeah.
Not a building.
One apartment.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And you rented it out, and they wouldn't pay rent?
Yeah.
Most people, they have shame.
And, like, if you fuck with them and keep, they want to either get out of there,
or they just want to pay you and get it over with.
But some people are shameless.
And this lady that this guy I know is running out to is totally shameless.
Was she, um, do you think she was doing, like, uh, some type of, like, secret
work,
and she doesn't, she didn't want, like, do you, like, what do you think the
reason was?
I think she would like to spend her money on other things.
Yeah.
I think it's that simple.
I mean, who knows what kind of financial situation she's in, but she does have
a job, and she goes
to this job, apparently, according to him, and she just won't pay rent.
Like, when they put the rent protection thing on, I don't know, I mean, I think
the rent protection
was supposed to be put in place for people that lost their job during the
pandemic, so you wouldn't
have a bunch of people just kicked out on the street.
Yeah, like a moratorium.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, a lot of people were calling for that, and it made sense during the
pandemic.
The problem with that stuff is, like, getting people to start back up again and
pay.
Yeah, it's hard.
People don't want to do that.
Yeah, once you realize you can be somewhere without it, and you just have to,
like, have
a tough conversation at the door once a month or twice a month, and I think
some people
are going to do that.
Well, that's a problem that a lot of people have with a lot of, like, free
money from
the state, that, like, once you get it, you don't want to not get it anymore.
Yeah.
Like, this was the argument against, like, universal basic income, is that once
you start
getting that money, then you're like, why am I working?
Fuck working.
I'll just live off of that money, and that's it.
I'll make a little bit on the side here and there, and never work again.
Yay.
Yeah, I remember we talked about that one time.
We were talking about universal basic income.
I wonder if I would like it or not.
Well, it'd be nice to have money where you don't have to think about food.
Right.
And don't have to think about rent.
That would be great.
If everybody just had their rent and their food taken care of.
The problem with that is, man, people need incentives.
It's, like, it's very difficult to just motivate yourself if you've got your
food and your 