Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1903 - Kurt Metzger
Uploaded: 2022-11-29T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1903 - Kurt Metzger' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1903 - Kurt Metzger' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-29. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1903 - Kurt Metzger

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Showing my day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Let's go.
Boy, you're going deep, fella.
I mean, that's why Elon Musk is a success.
Why?
Because he smoked weed on this show.
I don't think that's true.
That's right.
That's like with high school kids.
That guy's got a lot of money, and I saw him smoke weed on this show.
That's what happened, bro.
That is the root of it all.
I almost got him fucking removed from NASA top clearance.
That's crazy, dude, that you would have to...
Meanwhile, we were drinking whiskey for like two hours before we hit that blunt.
That's wild how slow that aspect...
Because weed's so legal in so many places, you forget that it's not legal still.
Well, it was legal in California.
That's what he asked me.
He goes, it is legal.
I go, yeah, it's legal here.
Yeah, but it's not...
There's California law, and then there's...
State law.
Yeah.
Federal law, rather.
Or also like corporate investor confidence law, I guess, is what he's violating.
Well, this is NASA.
NASA had an issue with it, so it's government.
Yeah.
Because marijuana still, very unfortunately, is still federally scheduled one,
which means
it has no medical benefits, which is hilarious.
Because I'm pretty sure cocaine is scheduled too.
Because cocaine has medical benefits.
Because of the throats, right?
Like Elvis would get it for his throat.
Is that what he's saying?
The colonel.
I mean, officially, that's why they would give it to him.
I was watching like his entourage, like the guys from his entourage.
We need to get Elvis some cocaine for his throat.
It was like this medical grade.
The kind Robert Evans got busted trying to get the pure, like liquid cocaine.
And they would just dip these cotton swabs in it, and they would just sit there
and be
ripped for hours, he said, on liquid.
It was for his throat.
Well, it would numb it, because they had, like, I had lidocaine on my nose,
which is like
a cousin of cocaine, I guess.
And one of the things that I thought I was really interested about, it fucking
killed my
appetite.
Like, I tried to go to dinner afterwards, and I was like, God, I don't want to
eat anything.
I know I'm hungry.
I had this delicious steak in front of me, and I couldn't eat it.
Oh, yeah, right.
Because the lidocaine, like, it was still in my throat.
I could taste it.
It was like, ugh.
Isn't that like a similar, what's that movie?
It numbs everything.
But it doesn't get you high, but it does get you feeling weird.
You don't feel like you're not in any way, like, high.
You know, but you're like, ugh, like, weirded out.
I think he gave me, like, a heavy dose, too, because he had to clean out my
nose and fix my
septum.
I don't know.
I don't remember.
I don't remember, because they put me under.
I don't remember if it was injections.
I don't remember what happened.
Because I had to go out for that, because it was pretty serious.
I had to fucking get in there.
Shave down your turbinates.
Oh, I didn't even know this was called.
Yeah, it's like these bumps in the middle.
My nose was fucked.
From getting hit, or just?
Oh, well, from everything.
I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five years old.
Really?
Yeah, it was a little photo of me with a black eye when I was five.
I remember I just slipped and fell down a cement flight of stairs.
Jesus Christ.
In my backyard when I was five.
Smashed my nose.
And so, I think from then on, I never had a good nose.
I think it was pretty fucked up from then on.
I was a literal mouth breather until I was 40.
And then I got my nose fixed.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
It was the greatest thing ever.
I was like...
I just had always had huge nostril capacity myself.
Well, a lot of guys start out with huge nostril capacity.
But if you get hit there enough, a lot of wrestlers and very much boxers.
Boxers, they get their nose smashed.
MMA fighters get their nose smashed.
Yeah, right.
They all have stuffed up noses.
Remember Randall Texkov?
Yeah.
He looked like someone just spread his nose like butter onto his...
Meanwhile, Artie Lang probably has the most impressive broken nose I've ever
seen.
Yeah, well...
Artie's just collapsed, you know?
Yeah, that's a crazy story.
I just talked to him not that long ago.
He's the best.
I love that dude so much.
I love him so much.
He's such a good...
He's like...
When you're around him, you just want to hug him.
Yeah, dude.
He's just such a good...
He's always been that way, too.
I've known that guy for 20-plus years.
Yeah, he's one of...
If you...
We used to do me and Sherrod's old podcast, Razor Wars, and he'd give me a ride
back to Washington Heights.
And it was like the funniest...
It was like the funniest dude to hang out with that I ever met.
His fucking stories, they're so good.
And even when he sobered up, they were just as good, if not better.
Like I did his...
I did a podcast with him.
We used the Skanks studio.
Right.
Legion of Skanks studio.
Thanks to them for that, because it was pretty awesome of them to let me borrow
their studio.
So we did Artie in there, and Artie was like stone-cold sober for like over a
year, like confident that he was going to keep it together.
He had a guy with him helping him.
Yeah.
He was on the ball.
On the ball.
His fucking stories were sharper than ever.
Yeah, right.
Sharper than ever.
It's like you would think, sometimes you think like if a guy sobers up, because
some guys do.
They sober up and then they get boring.
Yeah, right.
You know, something happens, they lose that wildness.
No, he doesn't.
Not at all.
But yeah, it brings it down to a manageable...
You know who else got really better after they got sober is Attel.
Attel was always amazing.
He was always a great, great comic.
But being healthier, because like he has more energy...
He just stopped.
I remember that.
Just stopped.
When he stopped drinking.
I'm like, really?
That was like a whole...
Yeah.
Well, I think, you know, you get captured by a thing that you're known for, too.
Because remember in Somniac, he would get hammered in every town.
It was a fucking great show.
He told me it was like impossible to do without people throwing like ice cubes
at the...
At the production.
Did you ever see it?
You ever watch it?
I mean, I loved it when it came out.
But I didn't know about how production, like the logistics of a show revolving
around being
drunk out at night.
What a nightmare that must be.
Every fucking bar you go to is just filled with hammered people.
You have to be drunk to do it, because if you're sober dealing with that, it's
like
being waterboarded.
I'll say anything to make this end.
Imagine if you're like a health nut and you're like running every day.
And eating wheatgrass juice.
And you have to fucking hold the camera for that show.
Oh.
Yeah.
I remember I didn't drink for like five years.
Okay.
And I remember not like...
I was like, I must have been so nauseous just when I was drunk.
Because I can't stand everybody that was drunk around me.
You're not at the same speed anymore.
And it gets like annoying.
That's what it is.
You're not at the same speed.
Yeah.
And you think everybody's on your speed.
When you're drunk, you think you're making sense.
And everybody's like, oh my God, Kurt.
Listen to your voice.
There's fucking guys.
You guys are the best.
Yeah, right.
It's so dumb.
It's so dumb.
It's so dumb.
But while it's happening, it's so fun.
So fun.
Yeah, as long as everybody's on board the same.
Yeah.
It's very fun while it's happening.
But the problem is like the fucking price you pay too.
Whenever I do Sober October, at the end of the month, I'm like, why would I
drink again?
I'm like, I feel so good.
Do you drink a lot?
I enjoy alcohol, my friend.
I enjoy a glass of whiskey.
I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.
You know what I've been drinking?
I like a margarita.
Yeah, those are good.
I was like here and there doing, I didn't quit because I was like, I feel like
I have a drinking problem.
I was like, you know, I had an Oxycontin problem.
I didn't have a drinking problem.
But Ryan Long got me into White Claws.
I've been drinking White Claws.
That's hilarious.
People try to shame me too about it and I don't give a shit.
Ryan Long's a funny dude.
He's a funny dude.
I hung out with him at the Vulcan.
Did you, I forgot when you brought up Legion's Gangs, did you watch Soda doing
Chappelle and pranking that Fox News producer for Tucker?
No.
Dude, I, I, it came.
Does Soda do like a Wicked Chappelle impression?
It's a good impression, but I can hear Soda, but it's so hilarious.
So I saw it come on my feed and I didn't know what it was.
I was like, I don't want to listen to the whole podcast, but Jake called me and
told me what the clip is.
So I guess a producer.
A producer from Tucker Carlson, cause Chappelle, you know, was on SNL.
Right.
I don't know why, but she's at Gas Digital.
So Dave Smith, you have Dave Smith on.
I love Dave Smith.
So Lewis was up in Dave, he's like, you should really have Dave Smith on
because he really talks about this stuff.
Oh yeah.
He knows his shit.
And, and, and, uh, Lewis kept recommending him to her and I says, Oh, you have
his number?
He goes, yeah, he'd love to do it.
And she, she starts texting Dave Smith.
Like, it's such an honor.
All this, like a little overly Jesus.
Where Dave's like, wow, this girl's really into Dave Smith.
So they figure out she thinks he's Dave Chappelle for some reason.
How?
Well, that was a lot of the mystery was like how you would mix that up.
It turned out Lewis had said something that let her, like they went back and
Lewis realized from texting.
Oh no.
So he just flubbed a text?
He told her like Dave is the closest thing I have to a brother about Dave Smith,
but she thinks it's Chappelle.
Oh my God.
Oh no.
Cause if you, Dave is like one of those guys like Eddie, you could say Eddie,
everybody knows you're saying Eddie Murphy.
Yeah, right.
Right.
If you say Dave, like I say it all the time.
I say Dave.
I don't even have to bother saying Dave Chappelle.
I don't remember.
Well, around Gas Digital, Dave Smith, you say Dave, it's probably going to be
Dave Smith.
But it's something, Lewis went and checked his text and that's how he realized
that.
Okay.
So then they get Soda.
They call Soda to call her up as Chappelle.
So it's on mute for the podcast.
And I think his whole thing is he's going to use the name Lewis Jane Gomez in
every sentence that he says to her.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
That's hilarious.
Dave Smith, by the way, is one of the most knowledgeable political guys.
I've ever talked to.
I just did a thing with him.
He knows so much.
Yeah.
Has Jimmy ever had him on?
They're trying to now, actually.
Oh, that would be a perfect fit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
By the way, you're hilarious on Jimmy.
It's very fun.
It's very fun.
I'm glad he's got you doing that now.
It's such a great move because it really puts levity to all these crazy fucked
up stories.
It's better if I'm in the studio, too.
But I was doing it remote, and it's not as good.
There's something about being in.
There's a lag.
Yeah.
Well, you don't feel each other's vibe.
Yeah, right.
That's a real thing.
I smoke so much more.
I mean, I always smoke a lot of weed, but so much more now because of being
informed.
I hate it.
I mean, I really, but I don't know.
I enjoy being there.
That was one of the few.
I think I couldn't watch any more regular news for a few years.
It's hard.
It's hard because you've got to run everything through a fucking filter.
Yeah.
Like, what are you trying to sell me?
What's actually going on?
Yeah, what are you trying to sell me?
And why are there so many pharmaceutical commercials?
Yeah.
And there's no, especially friends of mine that had, you know, I was like,
no, I didn't get tricked.
How did you get hooked on it?
I knew it was heroin when I did it.
So you did it for fun.
I had a legit prescription at one point from Hurt My Back and then...
Ah, the old Hurt My Back.
Yeah, and I had, like, a Percocet, right, whi