Name: Joe Rogan Experience #1913 - Brian Redban
Uploaded: 2022-12-21T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1913 - Brian Redban' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #1913 - Brian Redban' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-21. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #1913 - Brian Redban

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
Oh, hi.
We're up, we're back, baby.
Whee!
Dude, isn't this like we're closing in on our anniversary?
Yeah, again.
What is it?
Again.
It's the 31st, I think we did.
I think we did it on New Year's Day.
Or New Year's Eve, rather.
Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve?
Oh, that's right.
Thank you, Jamie.
Christmas Eve of 2009, and here we are, 2022, and we're about to go into civil
war, total
anarchy, the purge, all the above.
Everyone's losing their mind.
Everyone's losing their fucking mind.
Did you see the breakout in the zoo?
Did you see about that?
No.
Oh, my God.
A bunch of chimps.
They broke free, and they went wild, and they gunned them down.
They gunned down, I think they gunned down three of them or four of them.
It says, insane things are happening.
How do you say that word?
Furuzik?
Where's Furuzik?
Vic, let's check.
Germany?
Sounds like it, right?
Yeah.
Sweden.
Sweden.
Okay.
Wow, they're pretty peaceful over there.
They're gunning down chimps.
So, it says, insane things are happening at the Furuzik Zoo.
Four chimpanzees gunned down after a breakout, and a fifth shot but only
wounded.
Three more on the loose.
Drones are used to survey the besieged zoo.
After 24-plus hours, the bodies still litter the ground.
Zoo says they were out of tranquilizers.
What?
Bro, fuck zoos.
Is there a video of this?
Fuck zoos.
Let's find out.
Oh, man.
It's just like...
I told you about that time I got super-duper high, and I went to the zoo with
my kids,
and I got really bummed out.
I wrote a story about it, about an animal prison.
Zoos are horrible.
They're horrible.
The only one who gets out of the zoo...
I had that old bit about giraffes.
They're the only ones that seem to have a good day.
They're like, another day with no lions.
They don't give a fuck.
They're happy to be in the zoo.
They have zero problems with the zoo.
No one's trying to kill them.
They just eat, and they're the only animals that they let babies feed them.
When my daughters were little, they could take a piece of little tiny...
You'd hold them.
They'd hold a piece of lettuce out, and this giant giraffe tongue comes out,
wraps around the leaf, and takes it from them.
And everybody laughs, and you never have to worry about giraffes being cunts.
I bet they're the majority of the animals like the zoo.
They don't give a shit, like giraffes.
Oh, we're getting fed?
I bet there's things like chimpanzees and certain animals that shouldn't be in
a zoo.
But half the animals don't give a shit.
I think the big one with lions is they don't get to kill anything.
You know, that's like if someone just extracted sperm from you,
and you never got to have sex your whole life.
You're just like, oh.
It is weird.
Yeah, but that's their instinct, right?
They have a built-in survival instinct to chase things and kill things.
They're the cleanup crew.
Oops.
They're the cleanup crew for the jungle.
That's what they do.
Like when something's slipping, something's not quick enough,
the lions are there to keep the balance.
Otherwise, the deer would just overbreed.
All the antelopes, there'd be too many of them.
They need things to kill them.
So they have this insane desire to kill things.
And then when you just feed them meat,
every day they're like, okay, I'll eat this,
but I just want to fucking chase something.
They don't even have any room to move around.
Dude, I was coming home from a gig once.
Actually, I don't think it was a gig.
I think it couldn't have been because it was during the day.
But it was early days of my comedy career.
I was like 21 years old, and I was in Massachusetts,
and I was driving home,
and I saw this little zoo on the side of the road.
Like there was a direction to this little-ass zoo.
So I said, all right, let me just,
I got a little time to kill.
We'll check out this little zoo.
It was horrible.
There was this polar bear.
And he was in a room that was not much bigger than this fucking studio,
and he was just walking around in circles,
just walking in circles like a crazy person.
I was like, oh, no.
It was just so sad.
The polar bears are used to dealing with gigantic icebergs
that they could walk on, frozen sheets of ice,
these little ice islands,
and they're killing seals, and they're running around,
and they're just out there in the ocean and the open air,
and now they're in this Massachusetts little box.
And it was the summer when I went there, too.
So it was hot as fuck,
and this poor polar bear is just wandering around in a circle.
It's like, oh, why are we doing that?
We know what they look like.
It's not like the old days before they had video,
you know, where the only way you could see an animal
was they had to capture it and bring it to the zoo.
We fucking know what a polar bear,
you don't have to go see them in jail for no reason.
They didn't do anything wrong.
They're not bad polar bears.
You know, it's fucked, man.
You've been at the zoo out here?
No.
I don't want to.
Yeah.
It's probably the same shit.
Where's the best zoo?
Yeah.
There's no Columbus.
Columbus, Ohio, that's right.
All roads lead to Ohio.
It is the number one zoo, though.
That's San Diego.
But is it the best in terms of, like,
the treatment of the animals?
As far as, I don't, yeah,
that's what I think they're,
why they're number one.
Oh, well, that's, I mean,
I hope they do a little bit better job,
but isn't that like the prison where Ghislaine Maxwell is,
where you get to do yoga?
That lady doesn't want to be out there.
She wants to be out pimping.
They locked her up.
It's going to be virtual zoos in the future.
That would be better.
It would be really better.
What would be better is, like,
you use Oculus,
and they set up cameras
where they go around these animals,
maybe, like, with a drone
or they take a cat
and they put a camera on its head
and it wanders around with the other cats
and you get to be there in this wild way
where you just, like, experience them existing.
That would be dope.
That would be really cool.
Like, if they did the metaverse
and they did, you know,
like, you could go to places
where there's a lot of trees
and just put cameras all around the trees
where the lions are
and you could get, like,
the cameras where the lions are.
They would be able to find it out
and send that one through the metaverse
and you could be, like,
on the plains of Tanzania right now
just wandering around.
Yeah.
They probably have that already, for sure.
I hope they do.
That should be what a zoo is,
especially as this stuff gets better and better
and this virtual reality technology improves.
There's no reason to keep these things
captive like that.
The only...
There's one argument
and that argument is conservation.
They're taking endangered species
and then they're making sure
that they have breeding populations.
Like, there's a few animals
that are, like, really endangered
and the zoo is, like,
one of the only ways
they keep healthy populations of them.
But other than that,
the fuck out of here.
Yeah.
Or injured animals.
A lot of them are, like, injured animals.
They can't go back in the wild, so...
Yeah.
That's what it should be.
Like, a large area
where they can roam around
and some sort of an animal rehabilitation center.
It shouldn't be
those little-ass fucking cages.
Is there any video of the chimps?
I've been looking
and I didn't see it.
Just, like, of those
before this incident
and I haven't found anything
out of the incident.
Bro.
I mean, that's just horrific.
The whole thing is horrific.
It's just, like,
it's really scary.
Yeah.
Imagine being, like,
out there at the supermarket
and you've got your bags,
you move into your car
and you see three chimps
running your way.
You're like,
oh, no.
They must fucking hate people.
They must fucking hate people.
How did they get out?
Did they figure it out?
Yeah, I wonder if they, like,
picked a lock or something.
You know what I mean?
Could you imagine
if they figured out how to pick locks?
Right.
Oh, my God, we're fucked.
They got a stick in there
and the other one's moving the stick.
Maybe they pay attention
to the way they turn the key
and they're like,
I heard a click in there.
Just, like,
that fucking click is the key.
Get that thing to click.
And at nighttime
when no one's around,
they got sticks in there
and they're going in there.
There's some,
I guess it would be anthropologists,
that are speculating
that some primates
have moved into the Stone Age
right now.
Oh.
Yeah, so if you think about
the Stone Age
with ancient primates
that became people,
that process is happening right now
with, like, chimpanzees
and orangutans.
Like, there's a,
you ever see the photo
of the orangutan
that spear fishes?
No.
Dude, it's crazy.
He's hanging onto a tree
with one hand
and he's got a stick
with the other hand.
He's fucking stabbing at fish.
Jeez.
Yeah.
They're so close to us.
They're just, like,
a few million years away
as opposed to, like,
a slug.
Like, so distant,
they're not figuring out shit.
But monkeys and chimps
and, you know,
all those primates, man,
they're fucking thinking creatures.
They're calculating.
You know?
And when they get
those neural links in them.
Like, you've seen the ones
with the monkeys
that can, like,
use their mind?
Dude.
But, I mean,
what would happen?
Like, legitimately
what would happen?
So if this is the argument
that chimpanzees
are moving into the Stone Age,
what if chimps
really do continue
to evolve
alongside people
and then
all of a sudden
they start talking?
Like, what?
How do we...
Do we give them a country?
Do we let them in the UN?
You know?
Like, what are we talking,
like, if a million years from now,
if human beings
are still around
and chimpanzees
have continued to evolve
to the point
where they start making clothes,
they start killing antelopes
and scraping the fat
off of the skins
and drying them out,
wearing them as clothes
and shit.
They start having rights.
You're allowed to marry them.
Oh, boy.
Right.
Like, the same people
that think you should be a cat.
Like, I identify as a cat.
I think a chimp should be...
You can marry a chimp.
He wants to marry you.
You want to marry him?
Let's go.
I mean, that's basically
what that lady did in Connecticut.
You know, that lady
that had a chimpanzee
and she was feeding it Xanax
and drinking wine
and sleeping in the same bed with it.
And then her friend came over
and the chimp tore her friend apart.
Probably because her friend
was cock-blocking.
Right?
Don't you think?
Like, that was the speculation
was that that lady
was banging that chimp.
Because the chimp's probably
a big old dong.
Don't you think?
I don't know.
I don't feel like
I've ever seen a chimp dick.
If you're a lady
and you're not getting
any play from humans
and you got this chimp
that lives with you
and this is a big-ass chimp, too.
This is, like,
a really well-fed chimp.
So he's, like,
I want to say he was close
to 200 pounds.
He was fucking huge.
You ever see pictures
of him with a diaper?
Mm-hmm.
It's really confusing.
Because you don't know
how to feel about that.
Like, on one hand,
this lady loves this chimp,
but, you know,
when it goes wrong,
they don't know
what the rules are.
They have no idea.
Like, laws?
What are you talking about?
I'm going to bite your fingers off.
Yeah.
That's not the same one.
That's a different one.
But that's a chimp
hanging out with a kid,
which is, like,
also quite sketch.
But that's a little baby chimp.
The one that that lady had,
I think it tore her eyes out, too.
Oh, my gosh.
I think those are glass eyes.
If it's not her,
definitely,
that's the other guy
that got attacked
who brought a birthday cake
for a chimp
that he used to have.
You know that story?
Mm-hmm.
He used to have a chimp
that they took care of
and he got to a point
where he was getting dangerous
and they couldn't keep him anymore
so they brought him
to, like, a place
where they have chimpanzees
and they brought him
a birthday cake.
And the othe