Name: "We Need the Aliens!"
Uploaded: 2023-03-29T17:17:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"We Need the Aliens!"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"We Need the Aliens!"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-29. Transcript available.

- The Joe Rogan experience.
- We need the aliens.
- We need the aliens.
- We need them to come down.
- We need the aliens.
- They have to come down and they have to just go,
listen, you guys are just fucked.
You're not gonna sort this out.
Stop.
- We need someone from another planet to come
and be like, this is the truth, stop denying it.
Don't talk any way around it.
- What do you think would happen?
Like imagine if Russia moves nukes into Belarus, right?
Which is supposedly happening.
And then one day there's some sort of a critical exchange
and they go, that's it.
That's enough.
And they just...
A giant ship hovering over the battlefield
where everybody's like, holy fuck.
And you realize that this thing is from another planet.
It sends out a bunch of satellite ships
and they come down and these things get out.
It's not far from reality.
- Would you do it that way if you were an alien?
Or would you force these dummies to create artificial intelligence
that eventually takes them over?
Would you conquer them that way?
If you looked at these, like imagine,
I just want to think about it this way.
Imagine if we went to some sort of a jungle
and someone had given the chimpanzees missiles.
And the chimpanzees just fucking launching missiles.
We'd be like, yo, we got to kill those chimpanzees.
They're fucking shooting at planes.
They're shooting at boats.
We got to kill them, right?
They're too wild.
Yeah.
They would come in and kill them, right?
See...
I bet they would do that with us.
If we were a threat, they would absolutely kill us.
And the fact that they haven't killed us means we're clowns.
- I think they can stop that. - We're absolute clowns.
Like, my brother's feeling is, and he's smarter than me
and he reads much more alien stuff.
He's, I was like, yo, if they're here,
why haven't they killed us?
He goes, they don't care.
We're like, he's like, I think they're doing research.
And I'm like, all right, if they're doing research,
then they're just going to let us die.
And they're just going to like,
they're probably watching us on screens, just laughing.
Like, yo, look at these idiots.
Look at these idiots.
- I would imagine we're pretty funny.
- They can't even drink water in Philadelphia.
You know, like... - Yeah, I know, right?
- It's like Housewives for them.
Like, yo, check out Housewives Philadelphia.
They don't got water now.
You know, you should have seen what happened in East Palestine.
Like, the aliens are watching us like bravo.
- Probably.
I bet they're probably monitoring nuclear sites.
Because one of the things that has been reported in the past,
and again, you don't know if it's true or not.
You don't know if you're getting...
This brings us back to what we were originally talking about.
You don't know if you're getting bullshitted.
You don't know if it really happened.
You don't know...
If you weren't there,
and they don't have any physical evidence for you to watch,
or see, or touch,
even physical evidence you could watch,
we know that could be horseshit.
But most likely it's not,
if it comes from official channels.
But, like, it doesn't mean they don't exist.
Like, even if some of you think that it's nonsense,
you think it's silly,
that might be part of the plan.
Part of the plan might be,
make it seem silly.
That way, you could just be around all the time.
And people talk about it,
and even the Pentagon talks about it.
Nobody cares?
Like, well, okay, you hit the right frequency then.
Yeah.
And that means they're a much more evolved civilization than us.
Yeah, they're playing a game.
They're playing chess.
Yeah.
They're also...
They recognize that we have a real susceptibility to groupthink.
And we're real susceptibility.
And if you can trick people into thinking that UFOs are silly,
"Oh, God, what are you thinking about other life forms from another planet?
So silly."
What a great way to trick people.
If you could do that, and you did exist,
you could make it so that talking about you carries a social consequence.
So if you're in polite society, right, now, nowadays in 2023,
you can have a conversation about UFOs.
Because the New York Times wrote an article about it.
You could say, "Did you see that?
Did you see that article in the New York Times?
Did you see the Pentagon had a discussion?"
So, yo, what if Woody Allen is an alien?
Because no one writes faster than this guy.
Nobody...
He's made so many good films.
He's done terrible things,
and he survives, and he's among us.
And it's just like, is Woody Allen an alien?
Like, how did he figure out...
That might be the worst take I've ever heard from you.
Bro, but what is the exact tone?
Like, it's like, look at the things he's accused of doing,
and he walks among us.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Like, he's uncancellable.
Well, not really.
Because I don't know if actors are as willing to work with him anymore,
and I don't know, like, what kind of distribution...
Like, how has that affected his films, and what he does, and what he's allowed
to do?
I don't know.
Like, his own family's come out against him, and he's still out here.
Like, even Bill Cosby had to go to court, at least.
Yeah.
You know?
At least.
And he's still out.
He came back outside, like...
Yeah.
It's dark.
Yeah.
Woody Allen as an alien is dark.
Well, I don't think he's an alien.
I think he's just a flawed human being.
But the idea...
What I guess I'm saying is the concept that you're saying is they're like,
they're among us, and they've made themselves a laughing stock and a joke so as
to avert...
I don't even know if necessarily they're among us.
I don't know if the things that people are seeing...
I don't know.
I think those are probably...
I'm just guessing.
I shouldn't even say probably.
But I think those could be drones.
I think they could be super sophisticated drones that we don't understand,
because they've done all of this science in a way where they never made it
public.
That's not...
That's not likely, but it is possible.
It's one of those things where you're like, man, you don't know.
Like, if they were very clever and they started doing this at a certain point
in time in history,
and they were almost like a movie, where they had this, like, secret laboratory
where they
hired the top physicists and they gave them some fake jobs.
Like, oh, I'm in charge of fertilizer reproduction at this, you know, this
chemical plant bullshit.
This guy is...
He's over there back engineering UFOs, you know?
Like, what if they really do have some crash shit that they found in Roswell,
New Mexico in 1947,
and they've been trying to figure out how to back-engineer that, and they're
getting closer.
Dude, I just want to meet Optimus Prime.
Like, Optimus Prime looks like the illest alien.
Like, I just hope that it's Optimus Prime.
That would be fucking sick.
I want a little tiny gray dude that could read minds.
I don't want the traditional...
I don't want the bullshit, new age, fucking robot...
I want a truck.
Sam Wickwitty.
What if it was, like, Woody from Toy Story?
What if that's who the aliens are?
They come down here, they're like, "What the fuck, Woody?"
"Woody, you're the head alien?"
But that's like that scene in Contact.
Remember in that Jodie Foster movie?
Did you ever see Contact?
Yeah, a long time ago.
When the end of the movie, I believe it's her dad, it comes to her as her dad.
I think the alien tells her, I think, I'm pretty sure it's her dad.
And it tells her in the, like, they're walking together.
It's like, this whatever we are is too much for you to handle.
So I've shown myself in this form.
Yeah.
It's a heavy scene, dude.
It's a heavy scene.
It's really, it's a really good movie, man.
Do you remember that movie?
Yo, I do.
I haven't seen it in a while.
It was written by, the original novel was by Carl Sagan.
And they converted it into one of the best, like, alien movies of all time.
Because it was like an intellectual, dramatic movie about contact with an alien
race.
And how it was probably going to present itself.
And it was very, very novel.
Because, you know, Carl Sagan was fucking brilliant.
Yeah.
Also, huge pothead.
Carl Sagan, huge pothead.
And you, the movies be predicting the reality, like.
That one, that one is probably.
I gotta watch this.
It's probably how they would do it.
If they were going to make contact with you, why would they freak you out and
come looking
like some fucking weird stick figure with a giant gray head?
That was her dad, right?
Yeah.
Woody Allen.
You motherfucker, you don't want to let it go.
Why are you so hanging on to this?
Why are you hanging on to this, Eddie?
It's just fucking ridiculous.
It is ridiculous.
I love hanging on the ridiculous point.
Maybe that's right, though.
But let's, like, look at it this way.
Like, what a better way to hide yourself.
Like, no one's coming to him for wisdom.
No one's coming to him to think about how to run the world.
But what if he's amongst us, just making these silly movies, but really just
gathering data?
Yeah, and giving us, like, the deepest insights into our souls for these films.
And you know why I really like Woody Allen as an alien?
Because I do feel if the aliens came, they would be fucking Knicks fans.
That's why, really, Woody Allen, alien.
The Knicks are the greatest.
If you say so.
The Knicks are the greatest.