Name: Bert on The Machine Movie and Crying the First Time He Saw It
Uploaded: 2023-05-25T17:19:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert on The Machine Movie and Crying the First Time He Saw It' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert on The Machine Movie and Crying the First Time He Saw It' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-25. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience. This movie was gonna sit on a fucking shelf. Joe, you've
done so much for me. Do it for Joe, guys. Do it for Joe.
Do it for me. Prove that he's the motherfucker. Well, I just think it's a funny
fucking movie, man. It's a good movie. It's an action. It's gonna be fun.
It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen. And I think
people will be surprised at how fun this movie is.
It's just fucking fun. And I've been fucking up promotion. I was telling you I've
been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest.
I'm not an actor. Like, I'm just like, they're like, what are the kissing
scenes like? And I'm like, rough.
We have one kissing scene.
I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the
action when I read the scripts.
I just read the dialogue so I don't read like, you know, hey, Bert comes back,
kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet.
I just go like, oh, Leanne was in Serbia. And they were like, hey, you have a
kissing scene today.
I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, your wife. And I was like, shut the
fuck up.
I was like, is that cool? And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor.
I was like, yeah, but I haven't cheated on you in, like, ever. Like, I haven't
kissed someone in 20 fucking years.
She was like, it's just acting. And I was like, okay.
All I'll say is, uh, the pants I was wearing were loose fitting. And I don't
wear underwear.
Oh, Bert.
We did one take and I was like, costume change, please.
They're like, what? I was like, I need to change my pants.
I guess I'm not an actor. I'm just a regular dude.
Oh my goodness, Bert.
They're like, they're like, huh? And I was like, I don't know. What the fuck
are you supposed to do?
You're supposed to kiss someone? And then just, like, how the fuck does that
work?
You ever kiss someone?
Your body doesn't know that it's just acting.
No.
No.
No.
How could it?
Yeah.
I did the first kiss.
My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck.
By the way, I've talked with her.
And we've talked about this a number of times.
And she goes, we did the first kiss.
And I'm like, I don't know.
I'm just like, you know.
And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it.
Like, really go for it.
And I was like, for real?
She's like, yeah, like, try to, like, knock me off my feet.
Like, kiss me.
So I was like, okay.
I'm not thinking about it.
I'm like, fucking, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Walk up.
Boom.
And as soon as, and then she kissed back.
And I was like, what the fuck is happening?
This is different.
Holy shit.
And then I'm like, costume change.
I need tape.
I need tape.
Someone get me ice.
Is that, are you allowed to talk about that?
You're not supposed to.
You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say, here, ask me what the
kissing scene was
like.
What was the kissing scene like?
You know, it was good.
It was, it was, it's just acting.
It's just acting.
It's what we do as actors.
Okay.
Which is true.
Yeah.
Well, it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie.
It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie.
It's because you make out with her a couple of times.
You're like, that was fucking nice.
I wonder what it's like.
And then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm.
And Jennifer Aniston's texting.
You're like, pass, pass.
Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day.
All day.
I kissed this woman for, like, 30 minutes, 35 minutes.
Kissed her.
Like, got comfortable kissing her.
And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you want to do that?
I was like, beat it, scissor lips.
I was like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to.
Oh, how rude.
My wife's got a good sense of humor.
I hope so.
Yeah.
The whole fucking, I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not
coming, I ripped
my fucking arm, I blew my arm out, but.
What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie?
That's got to be weird as fuck.
Like a story that, like, you kind of have to tell now.
Like, if you do a show, if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story,
people will
get angry at you.
But they did it last time I was here.
Yeah.
We were up here and they started chanting the machines.
And I was like, guys, I'm at the Comedy Mothership.
I'm just at an hour 15.
And that was the best.
That was one of the cool.
That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the
top and
I go, I'll tell, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad.
And the place is like, Ron White's here?
And Ron's like, fuck it, I'm coming down.
Ron White comes on stage, tells Tater Salad.
I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow Tater Salad.
The best story ever told.
So, it's surreal having your life turned into a movie.
It's surreal.
Like, it is like, it was emotional at times.
And then it's weird because you feel, I feel very vulnerable.
You know, like, because some of the questions people ask, they're like, they're
not, they
like, they put teeth in it.
They're like, so you rob people.
And you're like, Jesus Christ.
So you approve of what the mafia does.
You're like into the mafia.
And I'm like, hey man, can we not make it surreal?
Like, you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss.
Let's fucking just make it regular.
Like, good morning America.
So they got upset with the premise?
They were just like, they read half of it.
And then they're like, so you're in the mafia?
And you're like, no, it's a little more complex.
But no, but you like, got welcomed into the mafia.
And you're like, yeah, like, that kind of, it's better when you hear the whole
story.
I think I tell it a little different.
And they're like, and you robbed your friends.
Are they cool with you now?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah.
Some of them are coming to the premiere.
Like, fucking Jesus Christ.
Let's, can we move to the next subject?
I don't believe in vaccines.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
It's been, it's been interesting.
It's been fun.
I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story
has reached.
Like, I didn't expect certain people to be like fans of mine.
Like, and I, and I, and I know that sounds like bad, but like you're always
like, when
you look at your audiences, they, my audience kind of looks like the same one
thing.
Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve.
They all have beards.
They're all a little overweight.
Like, that's my fan base.
I like, I literally go, Hey man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my
tour.
Lipitor would be a good sponsor.
Some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers.
Not liberatory.
I know we're talking about statins, but, um, but like, I know, like, I know my
fan base
and then you get like dudes who are like, I fucking love you.
And like, like big boy from big boys neighborhood.
I was like, you know who I am?
He was like, yeah, why wouldn't I?
I was like, I don't know.
I just didn't think, you know, like Nori from drink champs.
He's like, dude, I'm the, he goes, I told my wife, we, you get, we got my
favorite comedian
coming on and she's like, you mean the big fat white guy who takes his shirt
off and you're
like, wait, when you're younger, you try.
You try so hard to appeal to all demographics.
It's almost like you want, it's like fake.
And then once you're yourself, you're truly yourself.
That's when you appeal.
That's when you're the most appealing.
Does that make sense?
It does make sense.
Yeah.
Because it's hard to do.
It's hard to do publicly.
Yeah.
It's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly.
Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly.
You start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix.
Oh my God, for sure.
You start going like, yeah, I don't want to like, like secret time.
Well, this will air.
This will, it'll be fine.
The premiere is tomorrow.
I'm flying back tonight for the premiere.
The premiere list is fucking thick.
It's fucking thick.
It's fucking, it's like, it's, it's my algorithm.
It's Snoop Dogg porn stars and fucking radio DJs.
A couple, a couple pro surfers.
Like, it's my algorithm.
My watch dealer.
So, the, um, but, uh, like Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay for the,
and watch
the movie?
And I was like, are we not supposed to?
He was like, I'm not going to watch myself on screen.
And I was like, why?
And he was like, oh, are you being serious?
He's like, you want to just, you're going to sit in front of 750 people and
watch yourself?
And I was like, I was like, hey, Mark, secret time.
I'm going to cry watching myself.
I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my, my lines.
I did that when we did the first testing of the movie.
They sat me in the front row.
I had two bottles of wine.
I sat with Leanne.
I had a notebook.
I was supposed to write things in for notes.
The movie starts and I start bawling, crying.
I start bawling, crying and I start mouthing my lines.
I'm laughing hysterically.
I'm like, I loved, I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever, like,
it was like
the craziest thing.
So we go to the next screening and Kale, our producer, pulls me aside and he
goes, I'm
going to ask you to sit in the back.
I said, what?
And he goes, it kind of affects the way people watch the movie.
So what do you mean?
He goes, I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear, but gay.
He goes, fucking sit in the back.
So the next time I sat in the back, but I get emotional watching the movie
because I feel
like, I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel.
Like I remember doing all these things and now they're all cut cool.
And so I was like, I don't know, I guess, I don't know.
I think I'll watch the movie.
I guess I would.