Name: The Unconventional Way Kim Congdon Got Verified on Instagram
Uploaded: 2023-11-30T18:19:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Unconventional Way Kim Congdon Got Verified on Instagram' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Unconventional Way Kim Congdon Got Verified on Instagram' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-30. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan experience, you know about the broken people when we would try to
do when we when you open for Joey
Yeah, you know this story
How I got my blue check mark
What happened? You know how I got verified on Instagram. Oh, okay
I've been trying to get verified on Instagram for like 10 years
Sitting in you send in a stupid fucking thing and you send in the articles that
you've been mentioned in and they would always ignore it
And then last year in November it was October
We open for Joey at Sony Hall at Broadway sold-out show. We were so excited
I had the best set
I just had like one of the best sets of my life in this sold-out theater
Everyone's like whoa like literally standing ovation, right? I get off stage
I'm going to get my camera that's on a tripod in the back and like during the
chaos that people being like great job
You know, you have to walk past people to walk out and then
And some dude pokes my vagina like oh, yes
Did you hear this story? Yeah, so he does that but then when I turn around to
see who does it
He acts like he's blind and disabled
So then immediately I'm like kind of just like my adrenaline's pumping just
from the set itself and then that just happened and then I see that it's a
blind person
So I'm just like overwhelmed and then people are trying to like say hi and you
know
Whatever after my set so I go to sit with Sarah and I go Sarah like some blind
dude
Just like accidentally poked me in the vagina and she goes
You got assaulted
I'm like what the fuck are you talking about a blind guy touched you in the
pussy
She brings me down to reality where I'm like I have like a moment like that's
so Raven where I go like mmm and I go like I got touched
It turned into like an like a whole thing
Oh God come now. I'm like kind of pissed yeah, but I even let it because I'm
like a guy walking around still so sorry
It's crazy. He's on stage. So I'm like I have an hour to find this. There's
people in headsets
There's people at this theaters sold out there in suits and little you know the
ear pieces that they bring for the president
Doing that whole thing and I'm I gave them a description. I'm like he looked
blind. I don't think he is
Chances are he's not really blind and then I'm like shit like I have my camera
set up
So I go and look and you only see the shadows
It's like it's like an SNL sketch the way you can only see certain shadows and
him kind of bump into me and like a something happened
And then he walks away and me looking around but it's just shadows so I'm like
he has this jaw
So we're zooming in on the jaw and he's like comparing the staff is like
comparing the pictures on their phones
So the people in the crowd so crazy everyone's looking for this dude, then the
server comes up and she goes
I have a guy in the back throwing up with his friend
He's throwing up in a trash can. I'm like let me go look so I take a peek in
the back
I'm like that's him immediately and you know what's fucked up is that he looked
a lot like this guy
I know that works at gas digital
Lewis who's blind
He looks like they call him gay blind Mike a gas digital and he looks a lot
like him
So I thought I was being like gay racist
You mean blind racist blind? Yeah
Blind racist where I was like maybe all blind people look alike and oh my god
So so I was like it's him so so then they're like we'll take care of it and
they start escorting him out and I guess he like gets away and
runs out right before they could get his ID and his information which annoys me
But i'm gonna let it go there like he got away, but like yeah, but wasn't he so
drunk?
He was throwing up in a trash can and they can't catch him. No, he like I don't
know how he got away
I wasn't there to see it. That's why I should have been there
Okay, so then i'm like kind of pissed that he got away because i'm like
He just got away with that and then i'm like gaslighting myself like did he
even do it on purpose?
He was so drunk and they go well, we know it was him for sure and I go
How do you know is him they go? Oh on his way out? He said at least I got to
touch kim congdon's pussy
So then so then I mean this is like at at this point joey's off stage
I haven't even told him i'm drinking champagne
There's a huge party in the green room and I just got told this like by the
door and without saying anything to anyone
I just get up and I go outside
I just beeline it for the exit and i'm like and security
I can hear them trying to keep up with me and i'm like kicking doors open i'm
fucking pissed now
Because now i'm like he did it on purpose and he's a fan and he knows my name
and like now it's a problem for me
you know
and then I don't even know if I should say the next part but
I found him outside. Should you not say this part? I found him outside. She
She found him outside. I found him outside
And then they were like do you want to call the cops? I was like no
She took care of it herself. That's yeah
One thing about mommy she gonna do it herself
um
Yeah, like no one would be mad at you for doing that. No, especially it's a guy
you started with a bitch slip
That's all i'll say
Started with that yeah
Yeah, I started like was he recognizing how bad he fucked up like was what was
he thinking?
Well, he said that on his way out. So he was proud of it. That's the thing that
pissed me off. I would have let it almost go
Because I was like he's drunk
But the fact that he said that he had like nerves still, you know, I mean he
was sober enough to be a fucking dick
So you're sober enough to get your ass kicked the whole night went different
because I was like my friend got touched
We're getting Chinese
Also, it was horrible because when I when I kicked open the door
There was a bunch of fans outside because joey just ended so they're all
waiting to say hi
Like and I just had a great set
Yeah, and I just had a great set so they immediately remember my name and I
have all these fans
They're going kim and I say nothing past them all I see is me kick open the
door go past them
I mean absolutely from the hook from the hip like i'm throwing a hook
open hand drop someone
Dropped him with an open hand and then and then yeah, but then there was a
variety article about it
And that's how this bitch got verified
She used that article to get her check mark. That was the check mark. That's
how I got my verified check mark
check mark and honestly worth it. I was like, oh
That's all it took
I wish a blind man would come touch my vagina
Be careful what you wish for us. Don't wish for that out loud
Yeah, she's joking everyone if there's a blind man in there that's like i've
been waiting for my time
That's a dude he gets his strategies from like a scooby-doo episode
Just pretend you're blind
Well, I'm a dumbass. I fell for it. I was like, oh, he was blind that poor boy.
Did he have a cane?
Uh, no
Who the fuck is blind just walks out without a cane? I didn't have time to
think about it
I don't think about the habits of the blind post-show like
Show post-touch right post-touch and then chaos yeah
Afterward we saw you know those like led balloons that light up clear ones that
disney sells
Sarah was trying to make me feel better in any way. She's like i'll get you
chinese. Do you want an egg roll?
I'll buy it you got touched she kept saying that she kept saying you got touch
and everybody gets touched mama eats chinese, too
And then she and then she tried to buy me the balloon and I was like, I don't
want a balloon
She's like you love those balloons. She remembered. I mentioned them before
She was like you love those balloons. I'll get that balloon for you got touch
So she literally i'm like say, I know she's like no
I'm getting it and she opens the door and she goes to get the balloon and they
like literally like drive off as she's like walking
And she has to come back. I'm sorry, you're not getting the balloon and you got
touched
And so now every time I see that balloon
I know and I was gonna get you one of them for your birthday
I was like no, I know she likes those balloons, but it's gonna remind her of
getting touched
Jesus, but now we just bring it up every time we want to tell the story
I got verified anyways
That's the most hilarious way to get verified
That's so crazy