Name: Matt & Shane Talk About Having "Accidents"
Uploaded: 2024-02-06T18:55:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt & Shane Talk About Having "Accidents"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt & Shane Talk About Having "Accidents"' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-06. Transcript available.

The Joe Rogan Experience
Everybody's shit their pants and everybody's falling. Exactly. Yeah, I shit my
pants just last week. Really?
Thought I was gonna fart in my house. I felt it come out wet. I was like you
son of a bitch.
You know what? Sometimes that's kind of nice though. You can get a midday
shower. I was on my way out the door.
Oh, that's not good. I was on my way to do a podcast.
Shit my pants. Shit your fucking pants. God damn it.
Rinse them off in the sink. Yeah, I'm usually good about shards. Yeah, I guess
you have to. Yeah. Yeah, true.
I usually can like sometimes I surprise myself. I'm like I definitely shit
myself and I'm like no I didn't.
Bro one time I was coming home from Fear Factor. I just have a sweaty ass and I
farted.
One time I was coming home from Fear Factor and I just I was fighting it. I was
fighting it.
You let it go? There was a battle. There was a battle. It was like oh god it
was cramp.
You went into the lights. And I just filled my pants.
Oh my god. I mean filled. I mean filled. Like where I immediately felt it in my
socks.
Right away. I was like oh good lord. I mean it rocketed out of my asshole.
The underwear was about as effective as our border wall. It went down my legs.
I fell through the back of my legs instantly. I was like oh Christ. It was an
explosion.
I was holding it. I was holding back as long as I could. And you released it.
It was like hanging off of a bridge and you realize you can't just pull
yourself up.
You just let go. You go that's it man. Where were you?
I was in my car. I do not remember. I just remember being in my car and just
unloading on my SUV seats.
I had a Lexus SUV. I just filled that front seat up with shit.
How did you clean that out? What was the process?
I took it to the car wash bro.
Oh my god. I cleaned it out myself and then I brought it to the car wash to get
it detailed.
I didn't tell them I shit myself.
No they knew. They got in the car like holy.
What the fuck dude? What the fuck?
The Fairfactor guy just gave us a shitty truck.
Hopefully had leather seats man. Leather seats. Oh yeah they were leather.
Good thank you. That's good for dumps.
Cloth. Cloth better than cloth bro. It gets in that foam.
That's what I'm saying. It never comes out.
It's over. Do-do in your foam. It's over.
You got to cut that foam out.
Dude if someone throws up in your car it smells forever. It's over.
You got to burn it and say oh it caught on fire and bring it to the dealership.
I did not shit myself.
I definitely didn't shit myself but I caught my front seat on fire.
Fuck yeah.
My friend shit himself at work when we worked together and he drove home like
sneakily to like change his pants.
We were like younger too. We were in high school.
And his mom was outside and she was like what are you doing?
He's like I shit my pants and she made him get undressed and hosed them off
outside.
Oh my god.
He was like it's so fucking embarrassing.
Yeah it's as embarrassing as it gets dude.
Getting hosed by your mom because you shit your pants.
Your mom's cleaning off your hat.
Oh my god.
And he said it was like.
Garden hose.
He was pouring into the driveway.
She's getting a thumb on it to make it blast.
She's getting a thumb on it.
She's getting a thumb on it.
You're just really focusing.
You're just cleaning on the.
You gotta just.
You gotta just stand there.
I know mom.
Hose water's fucking freezing.
It's cold.
He said he was in his driveway.
Saw his house and it just lost.
He's like I lost it dude.
At the goal line.
At the goal line.
Breaks his leg under Clydesdale.
At the goal line.
I mean that is where it gets you.
The second you.
I wasn't even.
I wasn't even close to my house.
I drove.
I drove with the windows down.
Smelling my own shit for a solid 25 minutes.
Oh my god dude.
What was going through your head though?
Like did you accept it?
Were you like this is unacceptable?
Yeah.
I shit myself.
I'm like what are you going to do?
I had ruthless diarrhea.
Whatever the hell was going on.
Yeah you sick?
Yeah it must have been.
I don't remember.
I just.
All I remember is that feeling.
The feeling of like knowing you're going to lose.
Yeah.
I'm going to have to tap out.
Yeah.
I don't want to have them black and hot.
I'm feeling.
It feels so good though dude.
It was horrible.
Just give in and be like fuck.
If I had made it to the toilet it would have been amazing.
Dude.
It would have been one of the greatest victories of my career.
Matt gave me a bunch of like micro dose mushrooms.
Oh yeah.
Took more than I should and I was just on a walk.
I was like I'll just have a nice walk around New York.
Dude I got like two blocks away and I was like my stomach just went brrrr.
And I was like.
Oh no.
Dude I sprinted home.
I sprinted home.
Tommy was downstairs and heard me run up the steps and he was like what the
fuck was that?
I've got some great victories in my shitting career too.
Yeah that was one of the biggest victories I've ever had.
When you get to the bowl you're like ohhh.
The key works at the front door.
Yes.
Yes yes.
You keep those muscles tight.
Yeah.
Till you get to the bowl and you're wondering.
You're quivering when you're pulling your pants down.
Oh god.
You know those when you're like I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
Your teeth get all weird.
At the buzzer.
I got jammed in an Uber on the way to the airport.
It was like six in the morning and it just all of a sudden on the way I was
like oh fuck.
And I had like 20 minutes and I was in the lady's car like sitting on one ass
cheek.
It was so bad.
I had to look my ass up.
And I was just letting out these like any fart could have presented it.
And I was like I wanted to tell like I'm sorry.
Because I was shitting.
I was farting in the back of her car.
I couldn't not do it.
I had to release pressure.
And you're sitting sideways and she looks back.
Did you say sorry?
No.
She looks back and you're launching.
I was at Terminal C.
You're in the sideways launch position.
I was at Terminal C and I'm like Terminal A's fine.
Because I was like where are you going to?
I was like Terminal C and I got there.
I'm like Terminal A's fine.
Damn you jumped at the airport at the.
At the entrance where all the homeless people go in because anyone could get in.
I made it and I sat down.
I saw there was no toilet paper and I went fuck it.
And I had to just let it out.
What'd you do?
Luckily dude I went in my school bag and my wife gave me a packet of Kleenex.
I saw them put it in my bag like weeks ago.
I'm like dude I don't leave that fucking shit in my bag.
She threw it in my bag and I went what an angel.
Pulled the Kleenex out wiped my ass.
Woman's intuition.
It was a shit tuition.
It's a woman's touch.
Bro after using these robot toilets to clean your butt.
Bro.
I get sad when I have to just wipe it.
Because I know it's gross.
It sucks dude.
Wiping your ass away.
You're just smearing shit all over yourself.
All the way up there.
You're like rubbing it to the point where you look at the tissue and it's
reasonable.
That's reasonable.
There you go.
I'll have it.
Oh, fuck my ass itches.
Yeah.
It's like ugh.
The bidets are so nice.
I gotta put one on.
So nice.
I bought one from my old house and I tried to connect it and the fucking water
sprayed everywhere.
So I gotta hire a professional.
Yeah, hire somebody.
Yeah, I gotta get a bidet.
It's so nice.
Dude, in the fucking bathroom in the comedy club.
Oh yeah, it's nice.
Dude, we didn't have one for a while.
You been shitting in there, dude?
Yes.
You been shitting in the one bathroom?
I shit every time I do stand.
I can't help it.
There's a button that says defecate.
You ever hit that button?
Yes, brother.
I've hit all the buttons.
Really?
That's a pipe cleaner.
I haven't dumped there.
I don't think.
Bro.
Dude, it's-
Um, what does it say?
North America through the 1700s, people were still wiping whatever they had on
hand.
Oh yeah.
Most common things were corn cobs and sea shells.
Pause on the corn cobs, dude.
They scraped their asshole with sea shells.
Sea shells?
But by the 1800s, paper was becoming more widely available.
Yeah, magazines.
And finally, in 1857, a New Yorker named Joseph Gaiety introduced the first patented
toilet paper.
Boss.
Wow.
Hero.
1857.
So until 1857, everyone was just-
The Romans cleaned up behind sea sponges.
That's nice.
That seems like a good move.
That beats the fuck out of a sea shell.
Attached to a stick.
Yeah.
Yeah, a lot of places in the world keep like a dish of water.
In the Middle East, you keep a dish of water above your toilet and use one hand
to like,
splash water on your ass.
Huh.
A wiping-
Interesting.
I think that's the move.
The move is the sponge.
I like that.
Because if you use the sponge, then you can clean the sponge off.
Yeah.
You can reuse it.
It's green.
Yeah.
Oh, you throw the sponge away, Jamie?
Yeah, there's just like a pile of sponges in the public toilet.
No, no, no, you clean your sponge, you piece of shit.
Share your sponge with you.
Everybody gets one sponge.
You get one.
It goes with your voter ID.
It's on the end of a spear.
It's a sea sponge.
Go get another one.
You don't have to put it on the end of a spear.
You hold it in your hand like a gentleman.
They would get old though.
Just test the stick.
It's like you're buffing.
Like when you're buffing your hood, you just buff your asshole with a sea
sponge.
A sponge actually, that is nice.
That seems like a good move.
A thing for your car would feel great on your ass.
I might get a test of sponge.
I might break out of the toilet and right next to the toilet, you got like a
basin and the
water's flowing.
You dunk your sponge in there, clean it out.
It's a nice sound too.
It's not bad.
It's just water dripping in.
It'll be awesome.
Unless you just got a mess, chunky, thick, frozen yogurt, you never get it out
of sponge.
It's deep.
It's all over your ass cheeks.
You're wiping your legs.
It's all the way up your back.
It's dripping down your legs now.
What the fuck did I do?
They were used and shared by fellow butt wipers.
Oh, they were used and shared.
You don't have your own.
Of course.
Why would you have your own, Jamie?
Yeah, it's fucking Rome, dude.
The visitor, okay.
So if one of the Farika visitors had intestinal worms, all the others would
carry them home too.
Without any knowledge of how diseases spread, the overall Roman toilet setup
could
hardly be called hygienic by modern standards yet.
You know how they told me to test kids for worms?
They said put a piece of scotch tape on your kid's butthole while sleeping,
and the worms come out of the butthole at night, and they'll get stuck to the
scotch tape.
What?
Yeah, I had a doctor tell my wife this today.
Don't you have to like shine a light on your kid's asshole to see the worms
coming out at night?
Hopefully, well, they want us to put-
I heard that story.
Yeah, they want us to put scotch tape on the b-hole.
Mayo Clinic says to do that too.
Press the adhesive side of a piece of transparent tape to the skin around the
anus
of the person you suspect as pinworms.
As soon as the person awakens, the eggs stick to the tape.
When you take the tape to your appointment so the doctor could look at pinworms
or eggs under a microscope.
Interesting.
Isn't that fucking crazy?