Name: Joe Rogan Experience #2158 - Harland Williams
Uploaded: 2024-05-30T17:00:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2158 - Harland Williams' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2158 - Harland Williams' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-30. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #2158 - Harland Williams

I think I've known you for 30 years.
You know how crazy that is?
31.
Is it really?
Yeah.
Wow.
I remember the day we met.
Really?
Baskin Robbins on Melrose.
Really?
Yeah.
Did we meet at Baskin Robbins?
Baskin Robbins.
I got one of those memories, like the girl from Taxi.
Oh, do you really?
We got a mint chocolate chip, double scoop, and I had peanut butter and
chocolate.
I think you're making this up.
Well.
I think you're making this up.
He's making this up.
I was like, hold on, let's see how this goes.
Yeah, as soon as he was saying he's got a memory like the lady from Taxi, I was
like.
And I couldn't even remember her name.
That lady's got a crazy memory.
She does.
She can tell you, like, dates in 1972, what day it was.
Dude, I bumped into her at a sushi joint once, and she reenacted the day I lost
my virginity.
It's unbelievable.
Wow.
She remembered it.
How does she know?
Because it was her.
Do you think she's an alien?
No, it was her.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
She popped my cherry.
She was hot back in the day.
She drove my taxi.
Ooh.
Yeah.
She acted as your depot.
Wait, what's her name?
Mary Lou Retina?
No.
What is it?
It's close.
Mary Lou Iris?
No.
Cornea.
Cornea.
Mary Lou Cornea.
Where was her name?
Retina.
Retina?
No, that's the gymnast.
She's the gymnast.
That's the gymnast.
What was her name?
Is it Marlee Matlin?
That's the deaf chick.
Yeah.
That's the one that everybody had to pretend was really good at acting.
But she did win an Oscar, didn't she?
Mary Lou Henner.
Oh, she did the tampon commercials.
Did she?
Yeah.
And who better to do them than a tumbler?
They get guys to do them now.
Yeah.
It's a new world.
Yeah.
Yeah, there she is.
Back in the day when she was on Taxi, she was hot.
But you can't ever lie to her.
Yeah, she knows everything.
You didn't, you're like, I didn't say that.
Like, not only did you say that, you were wearing this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, she just knows it all.
Yeah.
Unbelievable.
That's probably a real issue in relationships.
Yeah.
You can never argue with her about who was right.
She remembers it.
Yeah.
100%.
You got a foggy-ass, bullshit, normal human.
Like, how good's your memory?
My memory's not that good.
Maybe she's an elephant.
I don't think their memory's that good.
They say they are.
Yeah, but, like, shit that you would remember, too.
Right.
Like, how often do you watch one of those nature shows and you see, like,
elephants wandering
around aimlessly and you know they're looking for their car?
Because they can't remember where they parked, idiots.
Imagine if elephants could drive.
That would be a real problem.
Oh, God.
How big would their fucking car be?
How big would their roads have to be?
Wow.
If anybody else, any other animals, started developing electronics, I think we'd
just kill them.
Yeah.
Be like, what the fuck are you doing over there?
Like, we wouldn't be cool with chimps fastening their own weapons if they
started making guns.
Yeah.
If chimps start smelting iron.
Yeah.
Like, figuring out ballistics, you see chimps on the range.
Yeah.
You're like, hey, hey, hey, only us.
Yeah.
Well, isn't that what Planet of the Apes is all about?
Like, similar.
They evolved to the point where...
Wasn't the new one, like, experiments?
Wasn't it, like, some kind of experiments?
On how it's, like, kicked off?
Like, they would do, like, back in the day, it was like a time machine thing.
Like, they went, right?
Like, the really old ones.
Yeah, the first one.
There's a time machine, and you go forward in time, and you realize, like, oh,
my God,
the apes are now humans.
Yeah, they landed so far in the future on Earth.
You know who wrote that one?
Rod Serling.
Oh, did he really?
Yeah, from Twilight Zone.
He was the fucking man.
He was the fucking man.
He was way ahead of his time.
With everything.
Genius.
So many good episodes.
You go back and watch the Twilight Zone, it's like, no production value, no
money for special
effects.
Incredible show.
And that's what was part of their charm, but the music, everything worked, and
if you look
at a lot of modern-day movies, they were predicated on those old shows, like Chucky.
There's an old episode with Telly Savalas, Talky Tina.
Hi, I'm Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you.
This was a doll, remember?
Oh, yeah.
Fast forward to Chucky, that demented, red-headed, freckle-faced freak.
Look at that.
There she is, Talky Tina.
You know what my favorite one was?
To Serve Man.
Oh, yeah.
It's a cookbook.
Yeah.
And then Juliet Childs walks out of the UFO.
Yeah.
Hello, everybody.
We're going to serve your children.
What did the aliens look like on To Serve Man?
It was very bizarre.
Yeah, they had giant, bulbous heads.
Yeah, there it is.
There it is.
They look like Herman Munster without the hair.
Look at how bad this fucking makeup is.
You can see where it's glued to his cheek.
You can see everything.
It's so shitty.
You can do better than that in a high school musical.
Speaking of human cookbooks, I have a buddy who just had a kid, and he told me
him and his
wife made placenta smoothies.
And I'm sitting here going, what if you love them?
What if you love the taste of your own kid?
And one day you're with Billy at the park, and you're just looking at him, and
you're like,
you know, you start licking your lips like, he sure did taste good.
And then cannibalism, and you eat your own kid.
I don't think it's actually eating your own kid.
I think it's eating the nutrients that provide nourishment to the kid while it's
in the womb.
It's not, you're not eating the kid.
The kid is separate from the placenta.
It is?
Yeah, the kid is an actual.
Oh, I thought it was covered.
Like, you know when a gazelle drops its baby on the Kalahari, and it like licks
all that
film off it?
Isn't that placenta?
Or is that just like a pasta sauce?
It's like carbonara.
I think that is placenta, right?
I mean, it probably must be.
So isn't that what human kids have?
Don't they have that like gazelles?
But it's not the kid itself.
It's the nutrients that the kid was consuming while they were in the womb.
I believe, obviously I'm not a doctor.
Yeah, look at this.
Is this one going to drop it?
They eat that.
Is she about to drop?
Boy, how vulnerable are they when they're giving birth?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah.
And half of those kids get snatched up immediately by a cat.
Yeah.
Some cats or wild dogs or something come run over and steal your baby, and that's
it.
You carry that thing around inside of you for months.
You love it more than anything in life.
They'll protect it.
Yeah.
Obviously, they have this insane connection with that baby, and then it gets snatched
away
by a cat.
It literally doesn't get its first bleat out.
Yeah.
Like, it lifts its head, and then, bong, it's gone.
Well, that's one of the things that people have to be very aware about in North
America.
What?
Bears.
What bears are doing to deer and moose, the same thing.
Like, if you really love deer and moose and elk and stuff like that.
I love them.
Half of those animals, babies got eaten by bears.
Yeah.
They eat like half of the babies that come out.
Half?
Half.
Yeah, like, you know, it's a good thing in a good ecosystem.
To cull the herd.
Yeah.
Well, it's not even just to cull the herd.
It's just to, that's how, that's what they're there for.
Like, it's a system.
Yeah.
We look at it like it's this beautiful thing, because it is beautiful.
You see these animals and the wild and nature, but what it is, it's a system.
It's like a mathematical system.
You have numbers, and the amount of predators is based on the amount of prey
and the amount
of babies they have and the amount of babies that survive.
And, you know, animals that have less babies don't survive as well.
Animals that are bigger fight off the wolves better.
It's like, there's a whole system.
It's a whole system.
And it trickles down right to the vegetation and the ecosystem.
You know this, like, if they remove the wolves, then the elk and caribou herds
expand, and
they start eating all the growth on the riverbanks, causing erosion.
The river is flat now.
It just, so you have to have those predators.
So I'm glad they're eating half.
And I'm going to, if they're listening, eat three quarters.
If they weren't eating half, we would be overrun by deer and elk.
Like, you'd have a situation where you have, like, in New Zealand, where they
have to fly
over the hills and just gun them down.
Moose in New Zealand?
New Zealand's a wild place.
Yeah.
Literally.
There's gnomes.
It's beautiful.
So beautiful.
Elves.
They got there in, I guess, the 1700s or something like that.
Maybe the 1800s.
And these European settlers, these European explorers, like, this place is so
beautiful,
but it doesn't have any things for us to kill.
Why don't we bring in a bunch of wild animals from Europe that we like to kill?
And so they turned it into, like, a wild game safari park for hunting.
Jeezu.
Yeah.
So there's all these animals, like, stags and all these different kinds of deer,
all
these animals that are not supposed to be in New Zealand.
Yeah.
And they're everywhere.
It's overwhelming.
Like, if you buy elk, like, if you go to a restaurant and you buy elk tenderloin,
most likely that elk is coming from New Zealand.
No.
Yeah.
There's elk in New Zealand?
A lot of elk in New Zealand.
And they probably are allowed to consider stag elk, too.
I don't think they...
That's a good question.
I don't know.
They're so similar.
They're such a similar animal.
They probably taste exactly the same.
Elk have a cool sound, but stags have a really cool...
Stags sound like a lion.
You ever heard a stag roar?
Yeah.
It's really fucking cool.
And when they mate, the male elks do that whistle.
The whoo!
You know, that sounds like they're playing a piccolo.
Listen to this.
What a weird noise.
Yeah.
Look at his penis going up and down.
Oh, yeah.
They jizz all over themselves.
Wow.
I've seen elk do it where they just piss all over themselves while they're
screaming.
They're screaming.
Elks are even cooler.
Give me an elk bugle.
Elk bugle, I think, is the coolest sound in the world.
Oh, me?
Bro, if you didn't know, if you were in the dark and you were in camping and
you had an elk bugle
and you didn't know what that was, you'd think, oh, my God, there's monsters
out here.
Yeah.
Yeah, there it is.
Couldn't you imagine that being a monster?
Yeah.
It's sort of like an instrument.
Imagine if it's dark out, you hear that.
You're like, fuck!
Yeah.
It's demons!
Yeah, that's kind of haunting and scary.
That's the greatest animal.
And then they go into the big cats go into a flemin.
You know this?
Flemin?
I ran into problems with girlfriends because of this.
It's like when the female lions or the leopards, they get ripe.
You know what I mean?
Ready to party.
Let's go.
The lions and the cheetahs, they do this thing where they smell the female
scent and they go, you know, they do this thing where they curl their lip up.
Yeah.
And it's like a sexual thing.
And for some reason, I don't know why, but I do that when I'm about to get into
some lovemaking.
You do a little bit of that?
Yeah.
Do you, like, embody the lion?
I don't know.
I just have the thing where they never stick around.
Yeah.
Flemin response takes place when one lion of either sex sniffs or smells the
urine of another.
Chemicals and hormones contained in the urine elicit the flemin response.
Usually after smelling the urine patch on the ground or vegetation, the cat is
doing the smelling, will lift his or her head and hold their lips back in a
strong grimace.
Let me see it.
Yeah.
You know, and I got to...
That's just like him, look.
I got to start dating girls that wipe, I guess.
Look at that face.
That urine.
Imagine looking at that right before it fucking closes down on your neck and go,
oh, yeah, I'm not getting out of this.
There's fucking no escape.
There's no hip escape.
There's no jujitsu move.
There's no poking in the eye.
That's a wrap.
It's a wrap.
Look at that mouth.
That is a wrap.
A wrappity wrap.
I had a moment when I was on safa