Name: Joe Rogan Experience #2196 - Greg Fitzsimmons
Uploaded: 2024-08-28T17:00:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2196 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2196 - Greg Fitzsimmons' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-28. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #2196 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
Let's do it.
Headphones?
Why not?
Locks the end.
I can't live without the headphones.
Every time someone doesn't want to wear headphones, I'm like, okay, we don't
have to.
You know, some people don't want to mess their hair up.
We don't have that problem.
Yeah, that's my hat look.
It looks good.
I like it.
I like them paperboy hats.
Yeah.
I love those.
My favorite hats.
Yeah.
Well, the reason I do it is because I started wearing hats because after the
show, people
would take photos with me with my shaved head, and the light would just bounce
off my chrome,
and you couldn't see me in the photo.
So, I realized that I wore baseball caps, but then when you're on stage, it
puts a shadow
over your face.
Right.
You can't see your face, so I started wearing these.
Yeah, I love those.
I like shaving the head, though.
I started during the pandemic.
Yeah, you should have done that a long time ago.
What's that side hair bullshit?
I know.
I know.
It's nonsense.
I feel so much better like this.
Also, you have to go to a barber?
What?
Right.
And listen to some stupid stories?
Oh, fuck off.
Dude, when I was a teenager, there was a place in New York called the Stag
Brothers, and it
was these two Italian brothers, and they cut hair, and you go in there, and the
reason
we all went, like, our moms would drop us off out front, we'd go inside, and
then they had
penthouse magazines while you waited.
So, you hoped that you got to wait for a while, and then they'd call you, and
like, you got
your little 15-year-old erection, and you're trying to hide.
Put the cape over me.
Cover me.
I always felt like barbershops where guys hung out, that's all just for people
who don't
play pool.
That was always my thought.
Like, I see what you're doing.
Like, you're getting a guy's place where guys can hang out and just talk.
Right.
But this is not the way to do it, because people come in, people you don't know
come in, you
can't tell some dirty story.
Right.
You know, you can't, you can't, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's like, that seems to be big in the black culture.
I mean, obviously there's those movies, barbershop, but I mean, it really is a
place that people
hang out.
But now you got cigar, do you like hanging out in cigar shops?
Yeah, cigar bars are good.
Yeah.
I like it.
Because it's one, it's one of the rare places where you go to a cigar.
I used to love that place, the Grand Havana Room in Beverly Hills.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's a great room.
People had their own humidors in there?
Yeah, I had a humidor for a long time.
And you could eat, like, nice meals and smoke cigar.
Yeah.
Because it's a private club.
So you could have a steak, some pasta, and you're smoking a cigar at the table
and everybody's
doing it.
That's awesome.
Yeah, it was cool.
Yeah.
And it was a cool place.
You're like, oh, look at that guy.
Because it was in Beverly Hills.
Oh, it was a power spot.
I remember, like, Michael Rotenberg, remember from Three Arts?
Yeah.
And Dave Becky?
He brought me there once and he had the humidor and he was just pointing up.
He was like, yeah, that guy owns Warner Brothers.
Yeah.
That dude is an eight-picture deal over at Columbia.
Yeah.
You know who I saw there once?
I was kind of a little starstruck.
Remember that dude from, uh, what is the New York Blues?
What was it?
That NYPD Blue.
Yeah.
Remember NYPD Blue?
Yeah, yeah.
What's the dude's name?
Jimmy Smits?
No, no, no, no.
The first guy.
Jerry Orbach?
The first guy.
Oh, yeah.
The guy.
Dennis Franz?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The red-headed guy.
Oh, yeah.
He ended up quitting to get a movie career that never happened.
Fuck, man.
They, I think they tanked that guy.
Yes.
What the fuck's his name?
The guy was good, man.
No, he quit because he thought he had a big movie career.
But this is the thing.
It didn't happen.
But you can't do that.
What's, what's the guy's name, though?
No, not, not that guy.
That's Andy Sipowicz.
Or that's the character he played, right?
But the other guy.
Jesus Christ.
This is-
David Caruso?
Is that his name?
No.
That's the guy who produced the show, right?
Oh, I don't know.
The next one might be right.
Is that his name?
David Caruso.
It is his name, right?
Maybe.
What, doesn't it say the cast down there?
He's not one of the people show up against him.
Yep.
That's-
Wow, that's what he looks like.
Oh, yeah, David Caruso.
Oh, it came down hard on him.
Oh.
It came down hard on him.
It came down-
That guy should have been a giant movie star.
Yeah.
Dude, he was really good on that show.
But if you have that thing where you're like, fuck this, I'm quitting, I'm
going to be a star.
Bro, they want you to fucking fall flat on your face.
They're like, fuck this guy.
Yeah.
There's like 15 more guys like you in theater school right now.
15 more troubled guys from the inner city.
Uh-huh.
You know, that have a gritty past and scars on their face.
Mm-hmm.
Go fuck yourself.
And that's what they did to that guy.
Yeah.
Also, he's a redhead.
Name a lot of redheaded leading men.
But he could have been the guy.
He could have been the first one.
All the redheads are like, one guy gets cocky.
We had our guy.
We had our major league.
We had a shot.
We had our fucking guy, man.
And instead, they started the phrase, the word ginger, and took them all down.
That was brutal.
Isn't that crazy?
They were just redheads before then.
It was normal to be a redhead.
You weren't a freak.
No.
You were just a person with red hair.
No one cared.
Now they beat you up.
There's literally like bullying if you're a redhead.
I was a redhead.
Were you really?
I was a fucking copper top until I was probably about 11.
That's so bizarre.
Your hair changed color?
Yep.
How weird is that?
It happened to my kids, too.
Both my kids were redheads, and their hair changed when they got older.
It's God letting you know I could have fucked you.
But I'm going to let you slide.
It's like he got me in a headlock.
Yeah.
I'm going to let you go.
Yeah, right.
Ooh.
He gave me a little dick, and then it grew bigger.
Oh.
I remember having a little dick.
Oh, no.
Oh, that was the worst feeling when you were a little kid, and, you know, you're
just like.
Well, you see your dad's dick.
Yeah.
You're like, what the fuck?
I know.
What is that thing?
What the fuck?
And why is it always hard?
Men's dicks?
Like, when you're a boy, they're terrifying.
Like, oh.
Like, see some guy pull out his fucking sausage roll when he's pissing right
next to you,
and you're a little kid.
You're like, what the fuck does he do with that thing?
Yeah, and his balls are hanging like six inches down.
Like Ari's balls, or Joey Diaz's balls.
Yeah.
Joey Diaz's balls are like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose.
Like, what the fuck am I looking at?
Those are your balls?
His balls look like him.
Yeah.
Just like cartoonish.
Just saggy.
Just fucking hilarious.
Yeah.
His balls are hilarious.
Oh, my God.
Balls are hilarious.
Joey's balls are hilarious.
It's amazing that a woman, why would they have sex with us?
Our penis is awful.
Everything about us is gross.
Yeah.
We're not soft.
No.
We're not squeezable and lovable.
We're not comforting.
We're grunting.
We have an agenda.
Thick, dense, heavy thing on top of you that can kill you, and you want it to
fuck you.
What?
Right.
Why do they trust us?
Trusting us to not kill you?
Yeah, I know.
Imagine, like, if every woman could kill you.
Yeah.
All of them.
Every woman that you ever date can literally just strangle you to death, and
not a damn thing
you could do about it.
That's what it's like being a woman.
Well, or a gay guy.
Well, gay guys can be strong.
No, and I'm just saying it's weird that there is this accepted power dynamic
between a man and
a woman when they make love, because, well, like you said, the woman trusts,
but we have
two guys.
It's kind of like, I don't know what it's like, but I think it might-
Tell me what it's like.
You know what it's like, son of a bitch.
You were just about to tell me what it was like.
You were about to break.
You know I almost did once, right?
How close did you get?
I've told this story on my podcast, but I'll give a brief version of it.
I went, when I was in college, I was an English major, and I studied like Allen
Ginsberg and
Kerouac and all these guys that were into homoerotic stuff.
A lot of them were gay, and even Emerson and Whitman, like all that old stuff.
It was all gay imagery.
And then there was David Bowie.
I loved David Bowie.
I loved Iggy Pop, Mick Jagger, and these guys were all fucking around with each
other.
Yeah.
And so I was like, all right, this must be kind of something you do.
You experiment with this.
That's how they get you.
That's how they get you.
They get a couple mascots.
They get the coolest guy in rock and roll, right?
The three coolest guys in rock.
Ziggy Stardust.
Yeah.
And so I was not attracted to men.
I never have been.
I can appreciate a handsome man.
I think you're not hard on the eyes.
Thank you.
And then I was like, all right, so I guess I'm not going to take it up the ass,
but, you
know.
Maybe kiss a little bit.
No, I didn't even want to do that.
Suck a cock?
Suck a cock.
And then I realized, like, I'm going to do it.
And when I do it, it's either going to be like, ugh, or it's going to be like,
oh, my
God, this is fucking amazing.
This is incredible.
This is what I've been missing.
And so I was drunk one night.
I was like a junior in college.
And my apartment, remember the Fenway in Boston?
Yeah, yeah.
The Fenway was like a wooded area.
Like, every city has a small wooded area where they grow trees for the reason
for anonymous
gay sex.
The Brambles in Manhattan.
You got Griffith Park in L.A.
There's always, like, a little gay area.
So my apartment happened to be, it was on Boyleson Street.
It was across the street from the Fenway.
So I'm stumbling home one night.
It's like three in the morning.
And I look at the woods and I go, fuck it.
I'm going to do it.
Wow.
So I walk in.
And I'm looking around.
I'm like, I don't know the protocol.
I don't know how it works.
Like, I'm just waiting.
And then all of a sudden, it's like fucking leaves are blowing and there's
shadows.
And then this guy just pops out from behind a tree like a little gay leprechaun.
He's like, I'm the guy.
I was like, all right, I guess he's the guy.
Wow.
And he walks over and we look at each other and then he unzips his pants.
He pulls out his cock.
And I'm just looking at it.
And then he pulls his balls out.
And I look at the balls and I was like, nope.
No interest.
I'm fucking out.
That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life.
And so I got scared because now I'm alone in the woods with a guy with his dick
out.
And so I just pushed him away from me.
Oh, Jesus.
And he fell down and then he jumped up and he just sprinted back into the woods
with his dick flopping around.
And I just, I just stumbled out and I was like, well, I guess I can't do that.
Ow.
Ow.
That's employs an ivy the next day.
What did people used to do when they didn't have covers over their dick and
they had to run through the woods?
Right.
Like that was a, that's a real problem, man.
Yeah.
Wow.
Ow.
Ow.
Like how many, if you have pants on and you run through the woods, your dick
gets whacked by twigs and shit, but it's kind of okay.
And the vagina's got protection.
It's got curtains and walls and blinds and.
A girl got kicked in the pussy the other day in a UFC fight.
And, uh, sorry for using the term pussy.
Um, ladies, uh, in this term, it's really not a pussy.
It's a woman's vagina.
Right?
Yes.
Cage fighter.
Yes.
And, uh, they went down and, you know, they stopped the fight and give the
person time to recover.
And I thought about it.
I was like, that's interesting because I guess it's just, you can't hit genitals,
but there's a giant difference between balls and put good.
Girls can take a pretty good shot to the pussy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unfortunat