Name: Joe Rogan Experience #2257 - Bryan Callen
Uploaded: 2025-01-15T18:00:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2257 - Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2257 - Bryan Callen' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-15. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #2257 - Bryan Callen

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
My wife, I smoked one of these and I didn't brush my teeth.
I woke up the next morning and my wife said,
your breath is four-dimensional.
You didn't brush your teeth before you went to bed
and you smoked a cigar?
Of course I didn't brush my teeth before I went to bed.
Give a fuck.
You know what I mean?
You're married, you're married.
She was like, I love you so much.
Your breath is four-dimensional.
You know, these fires, I have two small children now
because what I want to do is,
what you want to do is you want to get divorced
and then you want to get married again
to a woman who's 23 years younger
and then have two more kids because that's good.
Definitely takes a lot of financial stress off your back.
Oh, dude, there's no financial stress at all.
It's great.
You know what?
If I hustle until I'm 80, I'll be fine.
Anyway, it's going to be really awkward
when I call you at 75.
I just need help this month.
But anyway, so I look at her and I go,
she's like a girl from Jersey,
like an Irish-Italian chick, no nonsense, you know?
Been working since she was 16.
And I go, you know, we had an evacuation order
that they sent out by accident to people even down where I'm at.
Yeah, what was that?
It was some guy who fucked up because, I don't know if you know,
this is going to be shocking.
Grab the table.
Wait a minute.
LA's not run very well.
Hold on.
I know.
Hold on.
What the fuck are you saying?
Because, see, here's the thing.
We have to worry about-
Wait a minute.
I know.
Isn't the chief of fire department a lesbian?
Now, hold on.
Let's not turn this into-
Listen, here's the bottom line.
It's run amazingly.
It's not about infrastructure.
Infrastructure's got to take-
I won't sit here while you disparage the great people
that are running Los Angeles.
Sir, infrastructure's got to take a backseat
to climate change and social justice
and homeless abatement, which hasn't worked.
See, the lady who's responsible for filling the fire hydrants
gets paid $750,000 a year.
Hey, your tax dollars going to good work there, everybody.
That's a lot of money.
You think?
That's sitcom money.
You think?
That's like, I'm the star of a sitcom.
Oh, dude.
It's star.
But like, you're the third person.
No, that's a high wage, sir.
$750,000 for a city employer?
For someone just like, fill that one.
Get the waters.
How the aquifers today.
Get the water in that one.
You know what?
We've got to protect the delta smelt.
Yeah.
Whatever the fuck that is.
So we've got to-
Trump was talking about that on the podcast.
On the podcast I did with him,
Trump was going on this long rampage
about Los Angeles and the fires
and how it all can be prevented
and that it can have plenty of water.
He explained the whole thing and he's right.
Here's my whole philosophy.
You guys know,
you know that we have a tinderbox.
And you can say that there are a lot of people
that live there.
The fires are,
it's always a potential.
If that's the case,
then please make sure the fire hydrants,
we've got to be able to figure it out.
You guys in LA,
California came up with AI.
I mean,
the Silicon Valley,
it was pretty innovative people.
Let's figure out a way
to keep the fucking-
Very different people.
They are very different people, sir.
That's like saying people in America
are homeless
and also Elon Musk.
Right, right.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, get some people down in government
who are innovative like that.
What the fuck are we doing?
We don't want to do that job.
Do you know the City Council of Los Angeles?
Four of the members of the City Council
are far-left social Democrats.
How about that?
There's zero pushback on ideas.
It's just all ideology.
Yeah, it's all an echo chamber.
Well, I'm hoping now
that this is a giant wake-up call
for these people.
I mean-
Good luck.
There's no positivity
that's going to come out
of a horrific fire like that.
But at least it'll wake-
Because look,
that area,
you know,
Adam Carolla was on someone's show
talking about this
and he said something
that's like very-
I think he was actually
doing it himself.
Yeah, about permits?
Yeah.
Well, he was just saying
that there's 80% of the people
that live there
are far-left.
80% of the people
that got their houses burned down
from complete total incompetence
and a lack of management.
That's right.
Total incompetence.
Yeah.
80% of those people
are far-left people
and that's a giant wake-up call
when you realize,
like, no,
these fucking people,
this is not the way to do it.
Did you see that lady,
the fire lady,
who's a part of this
whole diversity thing?
They said,
you're a woman firefighter.
Can you carry my husband
out of a burning building?
She was like,
well,
if your husband's
in a burning building,
he already made a mistake.
Is that what she said?
She's a big old sassy
fat black lady.
my favorite was that
one of the women said,
you want people to look like you.
Same lady.
And I'm like,
hey, listen,
hey, lady,
when my house is on fire
and I'm trying to get my kids out,
I'm not going to be like,
hey,
can I get some people
that look like me?
Because this doesn't make me feel safe.
I want them to look like Brian Shaw.
So do I.
I want them to be coming through the fucking wall
looking like Juggernaut.
They can be white as the driven snow.
If they look like a white walker
and they can get me out of that fucking fire,
I'm in.
I want Brian Shaw.
I want them to be a giant dude
who can carry people.
With a mustache that goes like this.
Yeah.
Right?
Fucking handlebar.
I love firemen.
I'm so gay
that when I saw
they came by,
I saw some firemen
and I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to say something like,
go get them guys
or something like that.
And I literally went like this.
I went,
I saluted them.
I went.
That's good.
It's a little embarrassing.
It's an acknowledgement.
Yeah,
but my wife,
my wife is so funny
because my wife is very handy
and I said,
and we had an evacuation order.
I looked at her
and I go,
I got to go do Joe's podcast
and then shoot my special
at the mothership
but I feel guilty
about leaving you here.
And she goes,
what are you going to do?
You can't change a tire.
I got this.
I was like,
all right.
See you later.
So.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I would have felt weird
about leaving them too.
Even though you're in a safe space.
I'm in an area where I'm good.
Yeah,
you're good for now.
This is the thing about LA
that,
you know,
there's a viral clip
that's going around now
of a conversation
that I had
with Sam Morrell
a while back
and we were talking about
when I was on Fear Factor
how this fireman told me
that this was going to happen one day.
He said,
it's just a matter of time.
Yeah.
With the right wind,
he's like,
we won't be able to stop it.
Now that's gone viral.
And then the Trump thing
went viral too
because Trump was saying
that they need to do something
to change this.
They need to clean up the forest,
get rid of all the dead wood.
Yeah.
All these things could be done.
Get rid of all the brush,
get rid of all the dead wood,
open up that fucking water
from the north
to come down.
This idea that,
do you know
that the whole center
of California
used to be a lake?
No.
A giant lake?
No.
Bro,
I found out about it
about a year ago.
Really?
It's crazy.
Young Jamie,
wait till you see
how big this fucking lake was.
And all of it,
all of the,
is all meddling
and fucking around
by humans.
Did I ever tell you
the conversation I had
with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
I was with John Legosano.
Did he say,
screw your freedom?
No, he didn't say,
screw your freedom.
This is before that.
I was doing that movie.
Screw your freedom.
Screw your freedom.
He said,
this is a paid advertisement
for BetterHelp.
Life is kind of like a book
and every new year
is the start of a new chapter.
Except in this case,
the pages are blank
and you can write
whatever the fuck you want.
Maybe you're working
towards buying a new home.
Maybe you want to learn
how to garden
or pick up hunting.
Or maybe you want to work
on your relationships.
However you want
your story to play out,
it's going to take work,
dedication and a little bit of help.
Even the greatest authors
have an editorial partner
to bounce ideas off
and that's nothing
to be ashamed about.
If you need some help
living the life you want,
therapy is always
a great place to start.
Therapy is for everyone,
not just people
who've gone through
a major trauma.
It can teach you
valuable skills
like how to cope with stress,
how to communicate better,
how to set boundaries
and more.
One of the best ways
to get into therapy
is BetterHelp.
It's entirely online
so it's easy to get started
and more affordable too.
And as the largest
online therapy provider
in the world,
BetterHelp can provide
access to mental health
professionals
with a diverse variety
of expertise.
Write your story
with BetterHelp.
Our listeners get 10%
off their first month
at betterhelp.com
slash J-R-E.
That's better
H-E-L-P
dot com
slash J-R-E.
So I'm with John
and we were doing
that movie Ride Along
and John goes,
hey, stick around.
We'll have some dinner
with a friend of mine
that's coming by.
I didn't know who it was.
Arnold shows up
with his assistant.
It's kind of cool
and I'm a fan.
So we're sitting there
and I had just read
a book on California politics
by Michael Lewis
called Boomerang
about sort of like
how a lot of the towns
like Stockton went broke
because of the pension plans
and all that shit.
Blah, blah, blah.
I thought it was
the Diaz brothers
running around
slapping people.
It is that, dude.
It is that, dude.
It's that, dude.
Did you find a lake?
Yeah, yeah.
I was waiting for it.
Check this out.
Look at the size of this lake.
Tulare Lake.
What?
Largest freshwater lake
west of the Mississippi.
Largest freshwater lake
west of the Mississippi.
What?
It used to be fucking huge.
Show a photo
of what it used to look like.
So it was all agriculture.
They fucked it up.
Oh, because they drained it, right?
Look at the size of it.
What the fuck?
Look how big it was.
What in the world?
Look how fucking big that is.
And now it's just gone.
Gone.
Apparently it's refilling.
Well, I guess we needed it
for it to grow all the oranges, right?
Shut the fuck up.
I mean, you know.
It became...
We needed it for almonds.
For the Owens Valley?
So I need the almond milk.
There's one amazing photograph
of this guy
who was squirting almond milk
on the fire outside of his house
because that's all he had.
Is that true?
He had two quarts
of almond milk.
It was like this soy man.
This literal human water balloon.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah.
God bless him.
God bless him.
Dude, that's when you're really trying.
That's when you're trying.
What is COVID mask on?
That's just a last stand, bro.
That's a last stand.
No, you should have been out.
You got to get out of there.
You got to accept it.
I've been evacuated three times.
Have you really?
Yeah, when I lived in Belle Canyon.
Yeah, I remember that.
I got evacuated three times.
You know, it burnt two houses in front in 2018.
Two houses in front of my old house
were burnt to the ground.
Well, that video I showed you
of my friend's house
that just disappeared.
And then you remember I said
that video of him driving down the PCH?
Those guys are coming to my house
because where I'm at
is the only place
where the air is breathable
and all that.
Well, we have a barrier
between the 405
and also the airport.
So it's really,
we're pretty safe.
Yeah, pretty safe.
The thing about,
I mean, this is from someone
who's been through it a few times.
You don't understand.
You think it's just a fire.
It's not.
It's a storm.
Yeah.
So I saw fire tornadoes.
You did?
Yeah, I saw fire tornadoes.
When we were filming,
we were filming on Fear Factor
and ironically,
this was the same time
where this fireman
was explaining to me
what's going to happen in LA.
We were filming Fear Factor
and when we were driving back,
the entire,
I watched the guy die.
What?
I watched the g