Name: Pete Holmes isn't Manly
Uploaded: 2006-09-06T16:38:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes isn't Manly' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes isn't Manly' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-09-06. Transcript available.

I'm not manly. You know what's funny about mustaches? They're so deliberate.
You have
a beard. Maybe he's a drifter. Maybe he's just about to shave. He's been
outdoors killing
animals. He's awesome. Here he comes. Mustache, that's a choice you wear on
your face. He was
shaving. He's like, no, I'm going to leave this. This looks good. Are you a cop?
No, okay.
Let's go bowling. I can't grow a beard. Besides, I'd love to be a more manly
guy. I take this.
I stay on this no problem now because I'm adjusted. I'd love to be a little
more manly in certain
things. For example, I'd like to be the kind of guy when the phone rings, I
could answer
it. Go. I'm not a go guy. I'm like, hello. That's pretty awesome. Hello, it's
me. Everybody's
favorite. I want to be, I want to go that guy. I'm like, I'm carrying a tank
top cigarette
out of my mouth. I'm in my living room. I'm working on a carburetor. Why? In my
living
room. Go. Go. That. Oh, go. Scick rat thrown in a baby. Yeah. Oh, so manly.
Poor job. Poor job.
Damn. That. I want to be that guy. I'm not that guy. Also, if someone knocks on
the door, I want to be,
she's open. I want that. I'm not that. I'm not. Come on in. It's not even for
me. It's my
neighbor, FedEx. Come in. I'll make you cookies. Jehovah's Witnesses. That's me.
I'm not. Come in.
I want to be, she's open. I'm on the phone. Go. Sorry. Carburetor. Pork chops.
And I kill
a baby lamb. And I just, yeah. What is wrong with me? This is what I think it
means to be a male.
This is what I think I'm liking. Baby lamb. Ah! I can't grow a beard. That's
the problem. I'd love
to be able to grow a beard. I don't want a beard. I don't want one. But I want
the option of having
a beard. All men do. Because if I'm ever on a plane crash, if any of us men are
on a plane
crash, you have to live on, like, a deserted island for, like, six years, it's
a rite of man passage
when that rescue chopper comes to emerge from the brush with huge effing Moses
beard. With, like,
coconut milk and crab meat in it. Ah! Animals don't even fear you anymore. Anaconda
up your leg.
Loin cloth. That's awesome! Ah! I own this island! That's what I want. Not me.
I'm their
six years rescue chopper comes. I come out in a loincloth baby face. I look
like a guy
who's been there two days, couldn't wait to wear a loincloth. No one wants to
get that
guy a ride home.