Name: Poker in the Rear
Uploaded: 2006-09-26T16:36:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Poker in the Rear' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Poker in the Rear' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-09-26. Transcript available.

I guess I've always wanted to ask this about comedy: do you think it's better
to be smart or charming in comedy?
It's weird. You have to be smart but not be too ostentatious about it, like
saying the word ostentatious for example.
It's a great Woody Allen quote where he says, "Smart comedians always downplay
their intelligence and dumb ones are the worst."
Any comedian who's successful is probably really smart.
I'm not saying one way or the other, but is Buddy Hackett smart?
I bet he's street smart.
Now we're talking, but you know, that would be the opposite is retarded.
Okay, this is what I mean.
I'm going to go on a limb and say there are no successful retarded comedians.
All right, everybody's in. Family pot. Let's go. Deal it up.
Family pot is the lingo. Family pot means everybody's in.
Got it.
I'm going to bet. I'll bet. $1.25.
All right, let's go. Ooh, upping the ante.
Too much.
I don't think that's upping the ante.
See, the thing is, he's using just the sort of expression upping the ante, but
when you actually use it at a table, it sort of has meaning.
Right. Like when you make a par five and you're like, "Well, that's perfectly
cool."
One of the most awful things I've ever seen people that dip Doritos into nacho
cheese.
It's already nacho cheese flavored.
Oh, you.
I love that.
We need to get this out in the open.
Chris has really weird, like, food cues.
First of all, he barely eats anything. He won't touch anything that's a
vegetable.
What?
He's scared of soup.
That's not true.
Didn't you say on stage that the closest thing you'll eat to soup is cereal?
It's just nothing like soup.
I think it's a lot like soup.
What don't you like soup?
I don't like soup.
Queens. Oh, you have two pair.
He never knows what he has.
He doesn't know what he has!
To be fair, when that king came out, I don't think he realized this, but it
meant three hearts, there's flush, there's a straight.
There are all kinds of things.
Yeah, he was not considering that.
You made me sick!
You're wearing glasses, but you're the stupidest person here.
What?
This is really fun.
I didn't think it would be this fun.
People said that.
Have you guys ever accidentally stole someone's joke?
Not even many?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
And you know what?
I did it better than them.
A lot better.
You know what the thing is I realized is that there's really only, like, four
or five funny ideas floating around in the universe.
So, chances of you, like, doing the same joke as somebody else are going to be,
like, pretty high.
Pretty high.
I mean, somewhat similar.
Wait, hold on.
Are you kidding?
No, I'm serious.
I really think, I would say there's a good chance that, like, each of us
probably has, like, some jokes in our act that somebody else somewhere does.
And just because nobody's ever seen it, we don't know about it.
There's a couple pillars.
There's wealth.
Yeah.
Health.
What else?
Race.
I've heard that.
I've heard there's seven jokes.
You know, there's only seven jokes out there.
You're saying that my, my, what I thought was an original idea, that there are
no original ideas.
You're saying even that is not an original idea.
Oh, my God.
My face is going to swallow itself.
But a lot of your face has to do with how you are as a comic all the time.
Look at Laurel and Hardy.
You know which one is which.
If you've only heard a record of them, then you saw a photo of them, you'd know
which was which.
I wonder if Jordan's going to talk about being, like, kind of a preppy black
guy.
You know what I mean?
You can tell that Matt Goldich is going to do kind of low-key, snide, observational
humor.
I thought he was going to do all poop stuff.
That's 50 cents.
He made it 50.
I'm sorry.
It's 50 at this table.
Food.
The numbers 15 and 50 sound so similar.
Sure.
I think we should call it 50.
Because how many times will you be like, what time do we meet?
10:15.
10:50?
No, 10:15.
Who ranges to meet at 10:50?
A lot of people in comedy where you're like, it's an open mic.
When do you sign up?
7:50.
Yeah.
7:15?
You know what?
How much time have we lost?
Clarifying.
We should just go to 50.
We've lost no time.
And I'll tell you about 50.
But then also people will be like, did you just say 50?
When do you need 50 cc's of something and they give you 15 and you die.
Yeah.
Your last thoughts are going to be me going, we should have said 50.
Great example of another thing that will never happen.
Okay.
That's you.
Oh, the atmosphere.
I was on a plane.
I was on a plane flying to Georgia.
And the guy next to me goes like, what do they give us like five peanuts now?
I'm like, this is a hack conversation.
Wow.
I had to be like, I'm giving you the light.
Yeah.
Do you guys see the similarity between the comedy boom and the current poker
boom?
Yeah.
Neither of them are very funny.