Name: Poker in the Rear Part Two
Uploaded: 2006-10-06T04:45:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Poker in the Rear Part Two' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Poker in the Rear Part Two' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-10-06. Transcript available.

*Music*
Did I tell you that that Robin Williams did after me when I did Stand Up New
York?
What was it like?
I mean all of his material is still about like John Wayne Bobbitt and like
things that happened like 15 years ago
But when he's like improvising with the audience he's really brilliant
*Music*
I'll see comics or pictures of comics like in the cellar where they're like
jumping on the raptors like
"Hey, hey, hey!"
Colleen Mandel in Comic Relief 4 comes out in a shower on stage and just yells
at the audience from behind the shower curtain
and then is like pushed away in the tub of the car and that's his act, you know?
Yeah
You know what I mean? Like just being the wild and crazy guy doesn't cut it
anymore
But now it's this very state
Style has changed
People just don't get up in the raptors as much as they used to and that's too
bad
You know why? It's because Americans are fatter
*Music*
I guess I'm raising
I thought I already did that
I see it
*Music*
Deserted Island
Keira Knightley or Pamela Anderson
I'm not attracted to celebrities
Like I've seen Courtney Cox in person and honestly the person she reminded me
most of was like Manute Bull
That's how skinny she was
Like remember like Manute Bull would be running down
Literally Manute Bull would be running down the court when I was a kid
And I would worry that he was going to collapse into a pile of bones and skin
And that was how I felt when I saw Courtney Cox
Like she literally needed to be propped up by someone while she was walking
If any of these girls, if any of these "it" girls came up to you guys and were
like
What's the deal? What's going on? How you doing tonight?
Yes
What would you do? Would you turn and scream?
No, I would totally be into it but that's true of any good looking girl
An attractive cashier and Jessica Simpson have both been shot with a crossbow
Extra, extra!
Who do you go to first?
They both got it in the fleshy part of the talk
Interesting
See that's the thing, celebrities don't have them
That's what I try to tell you
Flip them over, what do you guys got?
You know what I was going to ask?
Who here has written a script?
And then I remembered you guys both like almost sold a script together
Yeah, we optioned it to a madman
Yeah, to a crazy guy who has a weird accent and a shifty limp
Comics are always wanting to write a screenplay
It helps to have another person doing it with you
To like motivate you along
That's what I found because I wrote a screenplay with my friend
What's it about?
My screenplay?
Yeah
Senior citizen police volunteers
Sounds like a comedy
$1.75 to you
So $1.75 to me
Yeah
You ever notice that it costs the most for the black man?
What about LA comics?
Do you think that they're cheesy?
There's such a big difference between New York comics and LA comics right now
In New York you're like that guy's a writer
And you can tell he's used to performing on a stage that's the size of his
table
And he's used to performing at 2am for people who don't give a f*ck
It's tough
It's a tough pack to roll with
LA's you're ready
They're just ready
In LA the stages are huge
And they're doing cartwheels
And they're closers
They bring out a guitar and they go
Marijuana
And then they put on a wig
I don't mean to give them a hard time because they're probably doing great
Definitely
What's he?
Ahhhh
We have in the back of our online magazine there's this thing called the
classes
You know people come right in on what's going on with them and it says on your
class
So about 2 months before my premium blend I was like alright I'll tell them
about my premium blend
So they finally printed like 2 months after the premium blend already airs
And they changed the tense of it
So whereas I wrote I'm gonna be on premium blend to keep your eye out for it
It says it Matt Goldish writes I was on Comedy Central
I don't know for me I start most if I'm doing an hour the first 20-15-20
minutes is going to be improvised
Probably
You don't think you don't go with gold and silver?
I've heard sh*t sandwich where you open strong and then strong and then the
bell
I do that too but if you're doing a college you open with 10-15 minutes about
the college
You just go out and if it doesn't work you just improvise about the college
Plus you know I got my 45 sitting there
Right and then you can merge right into your act
Have you ever closed to no laugh like you're just eating sh*t for like 30
minutes
I close it was my big joke my big flourish nothing and I just go well that's it
Yeah because you've done all your jokes you don't have anything better
Right what you can do there is you go so what do you guys all do that's so
great
And then you storm all the stuff that works
*laughter*
*laughter*
*Sonic music*
Jerk does anybody ever call you jerk?
*laughter*
And see