Name: Pete Holmes - Imrovising - South Beach, Reading Rainbow
Uploaded: 2006-10-24T01:31:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes - Imrovising - South Beach, Reading Rainbow' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-10-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes - Imrovising - South Beach, Reading Rainbow' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2006-10-24. Transcript available.

Put your hands together. Mr. Peepholes, everybody.
Irritable bowel syndrome. Can I just say that's funny?
Because it sounds like your bowels are grumpy.
They're like, hey, bowels, leave me alone. Take a nap.
Your bowels need to take a nap.
That's the moment I'm looking for, right?
It's a pure life moment.
If something is terrible on television, you just change the channel.
Here, we have to work it out together.
This is life. This is real life. I'm really here.
It's not Obi-Wan Kenobi. I'm really here.
Feel the tension. Feel life. Feel alive.
This is all you have. This is all you have.
I'm sorry. I'll talk about IBS and dwarves making shrimps.
Shrimps?
Cockroaches.
Good times.
That's one of the most awkward sounds.
Like, let's tell a terrible joke.
Two Peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
Isn't that just the sound of
inside?
One was assaulted.
That's living.
Why you? I don't know.
Why not you?
I'm in a weird place.
I am in a weird place.
I started doing South Beach because, yeah, why not?
Anyone doing it?
Good answer.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Life is short.
Eat pizza pies.
I knew I couldn't keep doing it.
But you have to do no carbs and stuff and, like, no fun and whatsoever.
It was awful.
And I had a dream.
I did it one day.
One day.
One day.
One day.
And I had a dream that I was eating muffins.
I had a dream.
Freud says those are secret desires.
My secret desire is to eat a muffin.
My subconscious is like, oh, to eat a muffin.
I can't eat a muffin.
I need to get that one out of the way so I can dream about flying and saving
the world again.
I'm dreaming of muffins.
That's why I said, this isn't for me.
Ate a muffin.
And it was, it wasn't actually, I didn't have any muffins.
I ate Cheerios.
And it was almost worth having done a day and a half of horrible, just like, I
was sweating,
like, detox of, like, all goodness edibles.
And then I just ate the Cheerios.
Like, like, the doctor cares.
I'm like, go f*** yourself.
Like, I'm eating it.
It was so delicious going down.
And I was like, yeah, and there's whole milk on it.
I shouldn't have fat either.
Don't do the South Beach.
I want to dream I'm a wizard.
A poppy seed.
Oh, a life fulfilled.
I want to be like, hmm, Tim and Archimedes.
Who's that?
Is that the owl?
Is it my nerd council here?
What is it?
It's the what?
He's an appetitian.
It's sort of the stone.
It's the owl.
Right.
It's our appetitian in, like, the adult version.
I'm watching cartoons.
I can't, I can't, I am not an intellectual person.
Look at me.
It's just, I'm a gentle man.
You want to prance on the beach with me?
Some of you do.
It's not sexual.
It's just sand between our toes.
I'm not intellectual.
One time I was talking to my wife and there were a bunch of mosquitoes by her
ears and I tried
to look, I tried to look smart.
That's the mistake.
I tried to look smart.
I said, you know, I read a book that there's an African proverb that says,
mosquitoes buzz
by your ears because they're trying to whisper to you.
Right.
I thought that was smart, our comedies and appetitian.
That's what I was thinking.
There's a pause.
She looks at me and goes, Pete, did you see that on Reading Rainbow?
Turns out she had seen that episode.
Can I just tell you, that is a new kind of humility.
When you realize your source of impressive intellectual material doesn't come
from something you read,
but something LeVar Burton read for you.
And I'm going around like I know something.
Like, yeah, if you like books about mosquitoes.
It's floating over my shoulder.
If you want to learn more about them, it might be the book for you.
But don't take my word for it.
Butterfly in the sky.
This guy just embraced his life and said, I'm going to enjoy that joke.
It was worth it.
It was worth it.
How much is it to get in?
Five.
Five?
Worth it.
Butterfly in the sky.
I can go twice as high.
Take a look.
It's in a book.
A reading rainbow.