Name: TJ Miller and Pete Holmes Live
Uploaded: 2007-01-09T19:53:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'TJ Miller and Pete Holmes Live' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2007-01-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'TJ Miller and Pete Holmes Live' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2007-01-09. Transcript available.

Give it up for Pete Holmes, TJ Miller.
I made a couple New Year's resolutions, even though I don't like the holiday, I
made a couple.
I'd like to summon some Grecian warriors to battle by blowing into an enormous
horn of
some type.
And you're lying to yourself if you don't think you want to do that too.
And there's no follow-up, so lower your expectations right now.
If you think that's stupid, you're practicing self-deception.
No, no.
I'd also like to befriend a Yeti, which I know is ridiculous.
Bigfoot, that's Bigfoot.
A Bigfoot, yeah.
If he's in the snow, he's a...
I was picturing not in the snow, though, which is weird that you knew that.
And it is a Bigfoot then, or a Sasquatch.
But I'd like to befriend him, which I know is a strange concept, but I think it'd
be very
rewarding because the first three weeks are just trying to teach it to not maul
you, you
know?
You know, you're like, ah, have berries, and you're grooming it, then running,
you know?
I mean, but you can see it on his big, stupid Sasquatch face that he's learning,
you know?
He's like, mm, he's not like the others.
There are no torches, no, like, get out of here.
They don't do that to Yetis, but go with it.
And then, like, uh, I think there would be a very nice crowning moment, a very
fulfilling
life moment where you know you've connected when the Yeti just looks at you and
goes,
FRIEND?
I want that so much more than anything, to have a Yeti look at me very
sincerely.
A couple things that I like about what he was just saying.
First of all, uh, and whenever I say I like things about what he just said, it
means that
I find them strange.
Uh, I like that he's grooming and then running.
Well, during the stage where you're teaching the Bigfoot not to kill you, Pete's
like,
but it's still gotta look good, you know?
If I got company, my Yeti needs to be, uh, uh, groomed.
He's just like, he's like, all right, don't kill me.
Ah!
You know, and then you run, feed it berries quickly, give it a conditioner, do
it yourself!
Don't, don't kill me, please, but have you seen him?
His coat is shiny, and he's, and then he can tell on his big stupid face that
he's learning.
First of all, if you talk about him in that language, he's never gonna learn
self-confidence.
Let me, let me make that very clear to everybody in here.
Let that be a lesson to those of you raising Yetis and children.
And then finally, let's go back to the beginning, when you berated me for
saying that a Sasquatch
is something, he's like, oh, that's been there in the snow.
What?
What kind of nerdy, mythological crap is that?
Then I'm like, yeah, Bigfoot, he's like, pfft, if it was in the snow.
Who's this loser?
I don't even know what Yeti is.
I read Tintin.
That's where you got most of your knowledge of Bigfoot.
I think the guy that wrote Tintin was a Nazi.
Is that true?
So, I like one person over here confirmed it and knew it and knew it before he
walked
in here.
He'd been walking around today.
That Tintin guy was a Nazi.
I know that.
It came up.
Was he racist?
What did he do?
What kind of stuff?
He did a Tintin O'Connor, which was very racist, and they happened to use it in
the U.S.
I think I've seen that.
Where did you come across that?
France.
In France?
France, it's all over.
It's just racist comics.
I like to go up to French people and go, oh, is that just me?
You haven't tried it, if you don't know how great that is.
You're again practicing self-deception.
Oh, again, you're lying to yourself.
Because it's very satisfying to just find somebody with a beret, long, plastic,
filtered,
cigarette, whatever, turtleneck.
It's just cleansing, and he gets it.
He knows what you're doing.
They love it.
Because, you know, it's an even playing field today.
It's an even playing field.
They don't like it.
They are over there doing us.
They are in France going, oh, the Americans.
Hey, hey, hey, they're doing us.
I'm not sure that's their impersonation.
I have a feeling that, like, that's what Pete thinks.
We're really over there, like, this foreign policy is ruining the global
economy.
It would be great if I'm talking about that, but instead, they're just like,
as soon as people leave, they're like, hey, hey, hey,
I'll have a hot dog.
These fucking idiots, they walk around like fools.
I've never had a French person come up to me and be like, excuse me.
He's, like, laughing his other French buddy.
He's like, do it, do it.
Do it.
Go on, do it.
Do it to him.
Show him what do we think of him.
And it's like, excuse me.
I'm like, what?
He's like, hey, hey, hey.
And they run into, like, bag ads and push each other over.
It was a successful trip.
That's what they believe at the end of that.
Where would we be without each other?
A lot farther apart, actually.