Name: Pete Holmes - Sweet - 2/8/07
Uploaded: 2007-02-10T00:13:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes - Sweet - 2/8/07' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2007-02-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes - Sweet - 2/8/07' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2007-02-10. Transcript available.

First up, we have a very special, unannounced performance by one of your
favorites and mine.
Give it up, Pete.
Hello. I'm so cold. I'm wearing this jacket, and I bought this jacket.
I'm not a manly guy, and yeah, but this jacket wants you to think I am.
It's like, you got some dusty logs you want to throw in the back of a pickup?
Like, look at this jacket! I'm ready to help! I'll cut you!
Do you have what men say? I don't even know!
Let's fuck ladies! I am not a manly guy. This is me.
Let's have lemonade! That's what I want to say.
I want to look like I have chains, and I know how to hook them up to things.
This is what I'm thinking. That's my example. I have chains, and that's what
men are doing.
It's greasy, and the chains! Let's hook them up to stuff! Look at that guy!
There's no way to hook up the chains!
I'm like, this jacket will camouflage that fact, and it does.
Was that something? Did you hear, like, a boom? Because I did.
See how easily I scare this jacket? This jacket wants me to be like, "Be cool,
bitch." You know, that's what the jacket is saying to me.
And I'm like, "Easy jacket, that's derogatory." And the jacket's like, "I'm
made in Taiwan!"
Other things a jacket would say, "You're too easy, that can't entertain you."
But it does, and we're having a good time.
Good time. I love when people wear scarves, you know, "I'm fucking, welcome
back! I'm fucking mad at you, sir! I'm not!"
"Fuck you, asshole!" I'd love to be that. Like, I'm a friendly butterfly of a
man, you know what I mean?
But I'd really love to just come up on it, "Fuck you, you piece of shit!"
Uh, it doesn't even feel right when I'm joking. Like, I really, instantly my
impulse is to apologize to you, and I truly am sorry.
You just have to be true to who you are, you know what I'm saying?
You ever see someone yawn when they're wearing a scarf over their mouths like
this? It looks like they're putting a curse on you.
It's very, if you're on the subway and somebody's wearing a scarf, and they're
just, "Ahhh!"
You know, and the jacket's like, "Relax! Voodoo is fake!"
"I'm from Taiwan! I would know!" That's not where they do voodoo, but, but it's
a foreign land that I don't understand!
So I say things, "There are dragons there!" I'll say whatever I want about
Vietnam. Was that even the country I picked?
I'm not even listening to me! Okay. Good. It's so cold, I'm so angry.
It's so cold people are... I'm cold now! That's why I'm wearing a manly jacket!
And, uh, it's so cold people are quitting smoking. That's how cold it is.
People are, like, really, "I don't know about this, fuck, it's not worth, like,
just watching your hand..."
Like, cell phone conversations, too? All my cell phone conversations these days
end with, uh, "I can't feel my fingers!"
"I don't even say goodbye." It's just like, "It's not worth talking to you!"
"This isn't worth it! There are no gloves thick enough to make it worth
discussing this outdoors!"
"Why do I have a cell phone? Let's just go back to this."
What does that mean? Rotary? Couldn't think of that word.
I went in for it. I went in for it, and this came, my brain went, "Do this!
They'll know!"
Rotary. Analog would be a... would be a clog that's not digital. You call that
analog.
Is it just me, or does prohibited sound like it's allowed? Pro-hibited! Swimming
pro-hibited!
Doesn't that make you want to go for a dip? It's pro-hibited!
Non-fiction is also confusing. Don't interact. Are you talking to me?
I'm laughing at you. Is that okay?
No, make you laugh. I'm 27. Recently, I said to somebody, "I'm getting really
good at my lefts and rights."
I was bragging about my proficiency. I know the word proficiency, but I
recently acquired the skill set that I called lefts and rights.
And then I saw someone take what I thought was a left, so you see where this is
going.
And I said, "He's taking a left," and it was a right. I was wrong.
And then I just said, "I shouldn't be allowed to drive."
I recently heard someone say, very casually speaking of cell phone, they were
in Target, which is where I hang.
Because that's who wears this jacket. And this girl is on the phone, and she's
very -- I don't know how to convey this to you, but she was very serious.
She was serious, and she went from zero to "how dare you" too quickly. You know
what I mean?
You know the expression, "how dare you?" It's like, "how dare you?" That is
like the king of bad -- you've got to say that! How dare you?
This girl is on the phone, and she's like, "Oh, you're not meeting me for lunch?"
"How dare you?" Right?
Like, just something so trivial. She just went right to "how dare you?" You've
got to say -- that is what you use when you walk in.
Your wife is like surrounded by 3,000 men, like guys who really would wear this
jacket.
They're all having intercourse, or whatever men are trying to do. I'm not sure.
But my wife's like, "I'm being unfaithful!" And there's just pornographic
things.
And she looks at me, and she's just like, "Everything I thought was our love is
now gone."
That's when -- that's when you fucking -- "How dare you?" That's when -- not
when -- like, 'cause then if you're using it for little things,
what do you do in that? You just have to be like, "Oh, shittles!" If that's all
you have.
And you're just like, "Shittles, shittles, bite-sized candies!" And then turn
into a rainbow.
That's all you have, 'cause you can't say, "How dare you?" 'cause you tipped
that bit.
How dare you? If you're Harrison Ford and they're suggesting that you murdered
your wife, that you crushed her skull,
"How dare you?" That's from The Fugitive.
You ever just been doing comedy for like five, six minutes, and then you quote
The Fugitive just 'cause you know it'll give you pleasure?
That's the kind of life I'm living every day! Fuck you! I'm kidding.
Oh, God. So I should wrap it up.
How dare you.
Can I say this? Speaking of me being friendly, I'm a waver. Can I say I'm a waver?
Not like you don't sign me when they're like, "Atomic wings! Sign Pete!"
I'm a waver in that I like waving. I really do. In New York City, you don't get
to do it, so when I travel, I really love to look for waves, you know?
'Cause you wave at somebody here, they're like, "I think I just joined a gang."
If you wave back, you're like, "I'm in the Rigmas now!"
That's the gang Zack Morris joined, if you watched the early.
But he got the red jacket, the Rigmas, and he blew a screenshot for it.
Life lesson learned! Okay. That was TJ, my friend. I just invoked him for it.
I just invoked him for a second. Life lesson! I'm TJ, no. Okay.
So, a gang, you don't wanna--and I'm waving, and I'm upstate, and I pull up to
the corner.
The best kind of wave you can get is when you don't wave, when you just
transmit with your friendly face, this one, that you want to wave.
You know what I mean? So I'll pull up, and I saw this jogger, and I made this
face.
And I held it, and I--yes, I'm looking at you. You know what I mean?
He's going at a very slow clip, and I'm--
And he saw me, and my face was saying, "Wave Guy, let's do this."
And he said, "Hello, neighbor."
And I said, "Hell yeah."
And planets aligned, and Norman Rockwell's ghost came up and started sketching
us.
I'm gonna go.
Pete Holmes, everybody. Thank you so much for having me.
Thank you so much for having me, baby.