Name: Pete Holmes (with Justin Long) - Dreams, Fun Dad, Filthy Morgan Freeman (NSFW)
Uploaded: 2009-02-11T18:29:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes (with Justin Long) - Dreams, Fun Dad, Filthy Morgan Freeman (NSFW)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2009-02-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes (with Justin Long) - Dreams, Fun Dad, Filthy Morgan Freeman (NSFW)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2009-02-11. Transcript available.

How postmodern is this, 2008? I've been having a lot of dreams lately that are
narrated by Morgan Freeman.
That's just true. Delivery. What? It's me. It's so weird. He's not even in the
dream. It's just his voice.
I had a dream. I'm not making this up. I'm running through a graveyard from a
vampire, just sprinting.
It's foggy and misty, just out of nowhere, booming. Just like, suffice it to
say, Peter wasn't sure what he was talking about, but he would get away from
the vampire.
He wasn't wearing the right shoes. How long have you noticed some of those
shoes? Just real.
I know Mr. Wayne, when they ask me, I don't have to lie. Those are just lines
from other movies. It doesn't even relate to the joke.
Don't think I didn't notice your Matthew McConaughey.
Redemption. It got me to thinking, I don't know.
You're not even honey. We're good.
That's right. You've got to relax the bottom jack.
It's a great morning. Sorry.
No, no, no. It's all fun in the pit. I'll tell you this, though.
In the pit.
I'm playing mayonnaise on Wonder Bread, man. I can't.
In the hizzy.
In the hizzy, everybody.
You guys like the Snoop Doggers?
I am that guy. I have the barbecue. I'm 29, but I'm already that guy that's
embarrassing the people.
I'm always like, yeah, I like the T-I. T-M-I. You can have whatever you need.
I'm already that person. I can't. I'm a fun dad, everybody. I'm a fun,
embarrassing dad.
And I can't. I'm embracing it now. I was at a hotel. I was checking in with
some friends, all in our 20s.
And the guy and the person behind the counter goes, uh, okay, well, some of the
rooms we have, one of the rooms we have is a, uh, non-smoking queen.
I go, that's me!
Fucking what?
Who makes that joke?
I'm a 29-year-old guy living in Big Apple.
I call it the Big Apple.
I call it the Big Apple. I call it the pot.
I can't help this!
I'm fun dad!
I can't fight it! I don't do it for your humor!
It's not a persona!
I embrace it, though.
On the holidays, I shake kids' hands and give them 20s.
Like, fun dad, happy holidays!
On a fishing trip, I'll let a 10-year-old try beer.
Why not?
I'm fun dad.
You gotta be careful, though.
There's a thin line between fun dad and creepy uncle.
It's really thin.
It's not even a line as much as it's a blonde mustache.
When did they decide that that was the uniform?
Fucking fucked up people.
They were just like, you like something really gross?
Really, really gross?
Yeah.
Like, you need a van with real blinds?
Like, real house blinds in your car?
That's out, like, wooden?
Like, you bought them at Pier 1?
And they were like, this is nice for your living room.
Yeah, my living room.
You be my fucking van?
If that's how evil it is, stop shaving here, you fair-haired monster.
Let the world know.
If you see, if you have a friend, I don't want to make the rules.
If he has a blonde mustache, he wants to molest you.
He might not even know.
If I see someone coming at me with a blonde mustache, I'm like, he better have
been drinking
Viscous Lemonade, but I'm running the hell out of here.
Viscous Lemonade is my band.
Not really, but I was talking about dreams in Morgan Freeman, and I'm not cool
in general,
but I'm not cool in my dreams, and isn't that where I'm supposed to be cool?
Isn't that my fantasy land where, yay, whatever I need, I'm fine.
No, it's not.
Even with women, I'm not good with women in my dreams, which doesn't make sense.
That's where it's supposed to be good, because in reality, I'll be like, hey,
ladies, in
your dreams, no, not even there.
It's not happening.
I could be somebody else.
I had a dream that I was like a svelte-oiled-up, like, Puerto Rican dancer.
It was beautiful.
I was like, yeah, just shimmering in the sun.
There were sheets of white linen crying in the breeze.
There was this lovely woman that was like, yeah, let's have sex on the mesa,
and I was
like, see, unlimited Spanish.
And then, like, right when she got close, I was like, I'm just kidding.
It's Pete.
Ha, ha, ha, I'm vaguely hairy.
You know, like, I didn't seal the deal.
I don't know what I'm doing even there on that landscape.
I had a dream that I was, I just saw a group of young girls dancing in their
underwear.
And I don't know what most people in that situation, yeah, it's a sex dream.
The next thing you know, you're having sex.
Not in my dream.
In my dream, they were dancing like that, like the crucible, but hotter, you
know what I mean?
Just brancing slowly.
And in my dream, instead of sexing them, that's what I call it, I took out my
phone and started
taking pictures of them.
In my dream.
Like, these'll be hot later.
I can't wait till I'm dreaming that they leave.
That I can then dream that I'm looking at these.
And then have a sweet dream that I'm masturbating.
That's the dream.
And Morgan Freeman's like, that is really nasty.
Seriously, man, fuck those bitches.
I don't know how to end that joke either.
Do you?
I don't know.
Do you?
Get mad at you?
Do you guys?
I'm kidding.
I don't know if you like it rough yet.
I wish Morgan Freeman were here, he'd be like, I know how to end that joke.
Like an SNL walk-on, he's like, hello, Peter.
Perhaps I could be of some service.
Thanks for my being fucking destroyed with the filthiest shit everything.
You know when your dick is in a bitch.
You know what I'm talking about.
You're dipping it real deep into your guts.
And you're pointing it straight down.
It's not even pleasant to you anymore.
One foot up on a kitchen counter.
I don't even sound like Morgan Freeman anymore.
But you know what I mean.
You're pointing it towards the earth to punish yourself.
Because you grew up Jehovah's Witness.
So you're defecating in a woman's mouth, right?
You guys ever take two girls' one cup home?
You're just watching it spread eagle and in walks Jack Nicholson.
The most unrelatable shit ever.
But then the punchline is like, well, that actually happened.
Oh, God, my freckles are endearing.
They are endearing, right?
Yeah.